I am struggling with whether I'll ever be able to forgive or trust my H for starting it up with OW 8 years after recovery from an EA with her. This time it lasted 18 months (10 of them sexual) and did not end or stop progressing until I found a love letter. The day after I found out it ended with no resumption of contact, but that's also how it ended before. I'd just recovered from breast cancer and thought we had a great marriage! When he had his 1st affair, I sensed the involvement with OW immediately even though it didn't stop til I found her love letters. This time he showed no signs. I don't know how or if I can forgive this ever. Also, I find it hard to believe we'll EVER have sex free of her taint! I would like to know how others have salvaged their sex life after discovery of a long romantic affair!

That's a tough one. Sorry you are here. I'm going though my own troubles so don't feel like I'm qualified to help you other than to say I'm sorry.

I told my WW the other night if we do make our M work I will never go through this again. I could never deal with this pain again.

I know that doesn't help you any, but know that I'm thinking and praying for you. Hopefully some of the vets here will be able to give you some good advise.

Thanks for the kind words. I do hope some of the vets will respond!

The first time was horrible. The 2d time was/ is ******.

IMHO, a spouse that has gone through this horror once and forgave a person for the terrible harm inflicted, should NEVER tolerate infidelity again. Personally, it would be time to consult a divorce attorney. I am also wondering if in fact you really know the truth or if this has continued all along.

I would suggest that IF you are wanting to try again, that you insist on a polygraph. Insist. Not once...not one single time that I have made this suggestion to someone and they have followed through has it failed to reveal additional and substantial deception. WS are by their very nature, liars....and every single word that escapes their mouth should be considered suspect, at best.

I am sorry you are going through this again. I wish you peace.

Hi

Your scenario is the nightmare scenario for most BS, and I am so sorry it is reality for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

There are afew BS on here who are recovering from long term affairs. I'll see if I can't point a couple at your thread to help you out.

Don't make any permanent decisions regarding you rM while you're temporarily so hurt.

How long since D-Day? Has the OW's H, if any, been informed of the affair? If not, you would definitely want to do that. Have the conditions that led to the affair been REMOVED? Such as, has all contact ended? Do they work together? If so, he would need to change jobs. Dr.Harley recommends moving to another state if need be.

I don't know if I would view this as a 2nd affair, but maybe as a continuation of an affair. It is possible to recover. It normally takes about 2 years to get over the triggers, if the conditions are RIGHT. However, that applies to 1st time affairs. Sometimes the resentment associated with repeats is impossible to get over for some people.

I would get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Bill Harley and read these articles as a start.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

((((((((((OWBack))))))))))

I'm so sorry. May God give you real comfort and a sense of His presence today.

I have read the articles you referenced and, thanks, they were helpful.

Answering your questions, DDay was early in November. Early in October, H & I had a big row lasting 3 days after I'd stumbled on porn that he'd been looking at online. On the 3d day of his sullen silence, I threatened to call OW in our church saying she understood what I'd been through with him 8 years earlier. Less than 5 minutes after that remark, H told me he'd decided to leave me and that he didn't love me and hadn't for a long time etc.

H moved out to our 2d home located 17 miles away on a lake. We work together in a professional practice. After a month during which he withdrew further and further each day after my daily efforts to reach him, I discovered a love letter in his briefcase. I took it to him next door, I interrupted a meeting that he was, I publicly in named OW and called him a lying dog in front of some of our town's finest folks!

I then went to our pastor and telephoned OW from the pastor's office. She responded arrogantly refusing to meet with me and the pastor (her boss), she refused to come with pure contempt and disdain and then she hung up on me. She then told her H, her aging mother and her grown children that she was leaving her H for my H.

That night H confessed much about the affair but I didn't know about the sex and thought they'd resumed just the EA of 8 years earlier. He showed no remorse and indicated disgust at the idea of returning to a marrige that til 1 month earlier had seemed to make him very happy. Til 1 month earlier he wanted me with him all the time except during work when he was out of the office (the affair all took place during work hours)

He spent that night at his mother's. The next morning I set out conditions under which I would continue the marriage and showed him letters he'd written to me during our earlier recovery. In those letters he'd written of the wonderful feelings he had for me and our marriage, of the realization that OW is not a very good person, and that they'd been indulging in a selfish fantasy game. When he read them he cried and said he wanted to come home - that he'd made a terrible mistake in getting involve with her again. His attitude had completely changed from the night and month before.

That same day OW's devastated H came to see me and I talked to him and bolstered him for about 2 hours. OW's H was surprised that I was not the b**ch that OW said I was. My H was very impressed that I could help her H. H realized what a skunk he was and how OW had lied about her H (Of course I know he'd lied about me to her as well either directly or by implication). H recently made a heartfelt apology to her H by a telephone call made in my presence.

H has now told me many nitty gritty details of the affair. They met at hotels in a nearby town for sex 2 - 3 times per month; met at a nearby welcome center 2-3 times per month; wrote daily letters and H made 1-2 daily telephone calls to her during the work week. They destroyed their letters on reading, never used his cell phone, and basically left nothing tracable except the letter I found in his briefcase that he'd written to her but had not mailed before he'd been called next door on unexpected business... a fluke.

I'd totally trusted him for several years. Ironically, I'd thrown away all Dr. Harley's books about 6 months after they'd started this 2d affair thinking how wonderful it was not to be there any more!

I showed up unexpectedly and in front of OW exposed to a few church leaders the specifics of what H & OW had been doing at the hotels. Thus, OW lost her job at our church. She & her H are going elsewhere so we rarely see them unless we happen to meet them on the street. H drives out of his way to avoid her . His secretary and I go the the PO now. Of course, he could easily call her cell or send her another letter any time he wants to but I dont think he has..... BUT HE DIDN'T RESUME CONTACT FOR 8 YEARS AFTER HE WAS CAUGHT LAST TIME EITHER... except for seeing her at choir practice and church when I was always with him.

I can't believe in my heart that he could be so cruel and heartless especially b/c it took a good 2 years to get over his 1st affair. He has been a very good man and this is really not in character!

There are so many aggravating factors to this recurrence that I just can't seem to begin to put it behind me! She is in bed with us every time we have sex! For example, H says her sexiest feature was ! He also says the fact that I am missing a breast - lost to cancer 6 months before 2d affair started - is not something that makes me any less lovable. Did I mention that she is gorgeous? He says that I am better in bed but clearly she was very good - he kept going back for more (with my paying 1/2 the hotel bills H paid with cash withdrawn from our joint bank account!)

How will I ever get over the hurt and anger?

{{{{{{{OW}}}}}}}}}

OH MY G-D. I am SO SORRY you are going through this. I can't even imagine what this must be like for you. It is probably the WORST possible nightmare imaginable.

I don't know you an so I don't know how you walked through this the first time. If you made it through that, you are strong enough to make it now. You have the strength deep inside and G-d with you and everyone else on here wanting to support you any way we can.

You are so in my prayers and thoughts right now

What is his attitude like now? It will be extremely difficult to get over a second affair. I hope that he is on board for helping you heal.

His attitude is that he is glad to be free of the affair and very glad I took him back. BUT that was his attitude last time too after an affair with this same OW!

It's like he has this inner switch that he switches when he gets caught. Problem is he flipped that switch on me when he wrote her a letter one day - after 8 years of recovery - and they were off and running again.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

ow, You are LIVING a nightmare we ALL dread. My wife told me that once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater-- SHE was cheating, and had been for 5 years. at the time she made this statement! after we stopped her a , she never acted happy.. Now all of a sudden she is acting Happy again.( I smell a rat) Brings me to ask you, how is your hubby acting? happy?Have you seen ANY CHANGES? I hope you ALL THE BEST , But I suspect these cheaters are not worth spit!

He's happy when I am happy and overwhelmed with guilt when I'm sad or angry.... then he avoids talking if he can but will talk if I insist. It seems his mood mirrors mine...

He's back and... for now - perhaps 8 more years - has flipped the switch off on OW and on for me - the old love the one you're with?

He says he will NEVER do this again, but how do I trust - he did it twice with the same OW knowing what she is, how they hurt me, etc. He just chose to forget it all and start it up again! How do we ever know what is really going on in their heads.... I'd have thought that cheating on me was the fartherest thing from his mind when all along he was bedding her down and getting it on physically and emotionally (they talked nonstop of how wonderful it would be to be married to each other and do the affair things every day/ night... He seemed to be the world's most satisfied H... Perhaps he was... it just took 2 women to do it!

Well, I think I would do what the Harley's say and MOVE - far enough away where he can't slip again. Then he needs to be an open book with you having access to his email, phone, etc.

Otherwise you will always be wondering.

You know, I'd love to move... thanks to H we've been through 2 BIG scandals in our town in the past 10 years... OW, H, and I are all pretty well known in our town and were believed to be salt of the earth people!

Our professions are such that moving is not really an option. We've spent 30 years building our professional practice and it's not at all transferable.

OW,
Please keep us posted! Good luck

If you were still going to the same church, it was never a full recovery. He might have truly been in remission for 8 years, maybe, but the cancer was still there.

It was inevitable that it would grow again. Very hard to forgive, but not surprising that it would happen.

If you decide to reconcile, moving would truly be the only way you could ever feel safe. If moving is not an option, recovery is unlikely. It all comes down to what you want.

OW,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is everyone's worst nightmare.

Personally, I don't think I could ever do the recovery thing again. I am assuming your H saw your pain for at least two years after your recovery and then did it again? I don't think so.

However, I do believe that this was an affair that never stopped. I get the impression you have been familiar with MB during his first affair? If so, you did know that the affair partners had to have asbosultely no contact for life, right?

I think I may have posted to your husband this evening. If I'd known your story, I would have said a lot more to him than I did. But I'm not totally sure it's your husband anyway.

Give yourself time to think. You don't have to make any rash decisions right now.

Hi, how sad that you are back. Cannot answer your question because I divorced my husband due to his years long EA. All I can offer is sympathy.