Hi,

I've posted a number of times and to put everyone in the picture I'm separated from my WW, but no legal separation is in place at the moment. My WW has told me her solicitor is drafting a LS, but its not forthcoming and my solicitor has told me that all our finances have to be shown before this can take place. We did say what our out goings were while at mediation but we didn't have to prove anything. I'm still in Plan A as I'm waiting on the sale of our house and feel I can't move fully into Plan B until its sold as my WW has access to the house. This has been a slow process due mainly to my WW. I'm currently living with my boys part of the week and the rest of the time they are with their mother. This is causing arguments when we do talk and she has still be unable to tell me what was wrong with our marriage.

We haven't lived in the same house since July and my WW wants a SA to state we were separated from March and when I say I can't agree to that she tells me she'll take me to court. My WW moved out in November to her mothers and has now found a house to rent. I have asked that we sort things out regarding who keeps what but she just never replies. I came home last Friday to find she has taken 2 halves of 2 dinner sets we have and taken some stuff that was ours after telling me she would only take what was hers when we moved in together.

I know deep down I still love my WW, but I'm starting to resent her more and more and I'm not sure if I want to recover because of the resentment I feel. I feel move resentment now than I have at any time. Her A has been going on for over 10 months now and she is cutting me out of her life more and more as if I was the one having the A but she slows everything up when I want to move things along. Its me that needs to cut her out of my life, but I feel she won't let me.

I know I would recover my marriage if only for my children's sake because like me they weren't given any chance and just been told you will be ok. No child deserves that, not when they like me believed we were happy.

I wanted to know how many of you have recovered after the sale of your house. The emotional cost is one thing but there is also the financial cost that worries me. When the house is sold my WW will have a greater share and if she spend this on OM and we try to recover I'm the one who'll have to put in all the extra hours to cover the cost and working long hours is what helped cause her A in the beginning. OM losses nothing as he lives with his parents and my WW only works part-time because of our children. When I try to tell my WW that her A is costing me money I can't afford she just disregards what I say.

Am I worrying about things too much?

Will I ever get my marriage back or should I just call it a day and give her the D she keeps asking for.

HAF

Hello HAF,

Short answers? Yes and No.

I haven't read any of your previous threads (could you include links to them in your sig?).

From this one it looks like you've been in Plan A for 11 months. I don't know how you've managed to do that successfully. You deserve a medal for that but you can't sustain it any longer IMHO.

I think you need to start doing Plan B to prevent that resentment from developing any further. That's the whole point of it.

That resentment will also rapidly decrease your ability to sustain Plan A.

Believe me, Plan B is no picnic. People here talk about it being a welcome relief. That is true to some extent but it brings it's own emotional twists with it. IMHO, it's at least as difficult as Plan A but for different reasons.

If you don't want a divorce, why facilitate it and co-operate with your WW? Particularly if you think she'll blow her half of the proceeds on the OM.

I also don't see how the sale of the house is a necessary pre-requisite for Plan B. Why sell it at all?

Going Plan B is not a decision to be taken lightly but if you do decide to do it, here are the things I've learned (FWIW):

1. Establishing and insisting on an intermediary is absolutely vital. It took me two months to achieve this and I could have been a whole lot smarter about making it happen sooner. Here's how.

Once you've sent the PBL, do not respond to any attempt she makes to communicate with you unless it is via your intermediary and on a topic that you have stated you will respond to. WW will try to contact you directly, she will try to do so via the kids (this makes them suffer) and anyone else she thinks you might listen to. Be strong and resist the temptation to respond.

2. Be crystal clear in your own mind and in your PBL on the conditions she must fulfil for you to work on recovery. There has to be a clear path for her to come back that is spelled out from day one.

3. I don't know what your situation is but you must cut yourself off from her in every way possible. There must be no reason why you need to communicate except for an emergency to do with the kids. In particular your finances must be completely separated. I'm assuming you have done that but if you haven't do it now.

4. Get your friends and family around you. Explain what you are doing and ask for their support instead of the Plan D advice they will prefer to liberally dispense.

5. Remember you can start Plan D any time you like.

Sounds to me like your WW wants Plan D and you don't. Plan B will give you the chance to strengthen yourself to prepare for whatever the outcome. If you choose to divorce after a few months of healing then at least you will be ready for it. Right now it seems that you aren't.

Even though Plan B is primarily for you the BS, it also seems to me that your WW has suffered no consequences from her choices. Plan B will bring home the reality of what a divorce will be like. She may not like it.

As with everything in life, there are no guarantees. Plan B may fail for you in the sense that it does not result in an opportunity for you both to invest in recovery of your marriage. But you will have given it your best shot. If the worst comes to the worst and divorce is the outcome, at least you will be at peace with yourself and have the fortitude to endure it. Even after Plan D, marriages do recover.

On the other hand, if Plan B works and you do get a shot at recovery, you will be strong enough for the hard work that you will have ahead of you.

Click here for some inspiring Plan B stories.

I couldn't have written this response a couple of months ago when I went into Plan B. I just didn't have the right sense of perspective because I was so wrapped up in the drama of the affair. I've surprised myself by how quickly I came to terms with Plan B and managed to put things into perspective. Yes I would like my marriage back but I am no longer desperate for it and have a much healthier self-respect now. I hope you can take advantage of what I learned to accelerate that process for yourself.

Good luck to you!

Ok Principled,

In response to some of your questions.

Plan A hasn't been a full Plan A as you can't if you don't live together. We have been living separate since July. Steve Harley said then and later in October when I spoke I should whenever I get the opportunity try to plant the seed that she could have a great marriage but to avoid the big D, which is what I've done. Not seeing her everyday makes it a little easier, but not being able to get away all together makes it hard. This would be my Plan B.

I can't move to Plan B until the house is sold as my WW just comes to the house to drop the boys off, or collect them or to pick stuff up she wants from the house. As she is a joint owner I can't stop that or change the locks. This is where if I were in Plan B it would fall flat on its face.

I don't want a divorce which is why I'm not facilitating it in any way. The closest she'll get is a LS, which she has to sort out, but because she would have to put all her income on the table including any bank transfers she's been reluctant. Please remember it isn't in my interests to show her mine as she could ask for more money if I earn more, but I can't claim from her as she is the main carer and the courts in the UK favour the main carer.

The reason for the sale is because I can't afford to pay for this home and rent elsewhere and she won't accept a buyout and I won't accept a buyout from her so OM can walk straight in. So the house must be sold. This also enables me to make some use of the money to do some extra training to help change my career. Plan B is about you remember.

Once the house is sold PBL will be sent, intermediates are ready and I will be nowhere to be seen or spoken to by my WW.

Finances are almost sorted, again the final outcome will be done on the sale of the house. She has no way to access my accounts and I will tie up every penny I have in a bill of some sort so she can't ask for anything, even via a court.

I have friends around me and they have seen me change over the months and want to see me come out of this, head held high, proving I'm better than her and her life will be crap.

I know Plan B isn't about finding someone else, but the way I feel, if it happens then so be it. I'll deal with whatever comes my way, good or bad.

I just hope that now I've got this far she doesn't turn around before the sale of the house as I need a new start and I see that as the beginning of a new start, new home, new job, better prospects.

All in All

I would like to thank you Principled, for posting here as I was feeling very down and just having someone to kick back at makes a whole lot of difference.

You take care now and stay dark.
HAF
P.S. Maybe I could return the favour one day

HAF

Sorry if my reply seemed out of context - I don't have all your story. I inferred that she wanted the house sold but you didn't. It seems though that you want the sale as much as her. I hope the cash gives you the new start you are looking for and that Plan B gets you what you want.

Feel free to chime in on my thread anytime. I also value any input I can get.

All the best,

P