no SMB, it was not a calculated wait. i was not thinking "if i wait he will see i've already started to change. better for me!!!"

i was honestly learning, i was honestly growing.

i'm not saying i recommend waiting 4 months to anyone, but i will absolutely not recommend rushing to confess.

I would rather think that the TRUTH would be the "meaningful gift." I would not give a RATS [censored] about your "healing." Heck, you are the PERP. I would care about the "healing" of the wounded victim bleeding on the floor.

I don't see HOW it was in your husbands best interest to be lied to for 4 more months. I would not see it that way at all and i wonder how your H feels about that?

But do you see the risk you took by waiting?

Do you really understand how much more painful it is to find out rather than be confessed to?

Everyday of those 4 months, your BH could have put the pieces together and you'd have a whole different perspective on your waiting.

i know my DH is glad we are still married. he has told me that many times since i confessed all those years ago.

i know my DH has also said, he would not have been able to deal with knowing while the A was occuring, the marriage would not have survived.

so, if you believe his two stmts, then you can see that the way things unfolded for us was to his benefit too.

yes SMB, i do see that risk. which is why i would not advocate 4 months.

do you see the benefit of getting your self a bit picked up before confessing?

But that is not his problem, this is all stuff ABOUT YOU. Nothing about what was in HIS best interest. What was in his best interest was to be told the TRUTH about his own life so he could protect himself from you.

You were not qualified to to discern his best interest, FLTH.


But you have no rational to recommend a DELAY. Justice delayed is justice DENIED. Every day that the BS is not told is another LIE, another INDIGNITY, another blatant act of DISRESPECT piled onto the victim.

It seems like your only interest is yourself, FLTH, and not your H.

This is my first post. I wish my husband had taken some time to withdraw and collect his thoughts before telling me. I think then he wouldn't have said so many hurtful things that I still can't forget. We have been in recovery for almost a year now and he has been a wonderful husband during that time. But I still can't forget the things he said in the first few weeks when he was confused about what he wanted. I wish I had been lied to just a little bit longer if it would have meant I didn't have to hear his messed up thoughts.

I don't find it strange that multi time FWS, a man that would tolerate his wife keeping a picture of the OM in their home and a man that has lived for 12 years without having SF with his wife would be okay with delaying exposure.

To me this speaks to the ability to stand up for what is right. I think people that would do the above things are willing to accept and tolerate a level of things that most people would find objectionable. I mean if you can tolerate certain things for years in your own life, what could possibly move you to take a stand against an injustice done to others? Most people would think that the truth delayed is an injustice....that lying is a horrible act and that it should cease immediately. It IS a bullet to the brain...despite what another poster here might have you believe. Infidelity is that bad.

SMB...you hit the nail on the head about what is important at the end of the day.

Waywards are often victims of THEMSELVES and of the OP. What about the children that are victims? Is it better to immediately confess and have BOTH mom and dad in an unstable mental state or is it better for at least one of them to be able to act calmly and rationally - even if it takes a little time to get there?

I have seen many times here that a person can only control themselves - so if that person believes it is wiser to gain knowledge and make themselves a better spouse - then confess, why is that so horrible?

When the confession is done with TRUE remorse and the confessor has ALREADY taken action to prove themselves, why is that not acceptable?

I would prefer that if my H was going to confess, that he wait until he is prepared to FULLY care for me and the deep hurt it will cause. I believe that WOULD be putting me first. If both parties are wounded, confused, and uneducated on the subject, what will be gained?

Fox

Victoria. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT!!!! it means a lot to me personally. like i said, i have long beat myself up about how long it took me. thanks again.

a married couple becomes one ML. there is no way to really say "this" is about me, "that" is about him.

but that does not tell me if he is happy that you lied to him for 4 more months. Have you asked him that EXACT question?

Even so, as a BS, I would have resented any delay and I suspect most betrayed spouses WOULD. I don't give a CRAP about my h's personal mood du jour, I only care that I am told the truth when I am being harmed behind my back.

And lastly, a WS is the LAST PERSON qualified to determine what is in the BS's best interest. So, the only right thing to do is tell them as soon as possible so they can PROTECT themselves from the WS.

medc, what a piece of... ...work!

I can't even tell how much of that is supposed 2 apply 2 me. Not that I care. I won't concern myself with angry, small minds.

Infidelity IS that bad. Given time, though, it's just a lesson learned.

-ol' 2long

NOTHING changes the assault to "just a lesson learned."

i don't know what you are talking about here, you are combining me with other people. yes i am a multi time FWS as my own signature says, you don't need to point that out, (unless of course it gives you pleasure.)

ok, so i see what you are doing... you are combining me at least in part with 2long.

i don't know who the 12yrs with no SF is.

When one is only thinking of HER own selfish interests and lying to her spouse, they are not "one." When one victimizes her spouse and ignores his best interest they are not "one."

ML, you can only state your opinion/desire. guessing what "most" others would say is ummm, what's the word you like to use?? arrogant.

FLTH..what I am "doing" is just pointing out that some people are willing to tolerate a lot more of an assault than others...this is evidenced by things that have gone on in their own lives.

Incorrect.

Time and healing do.

during those 4 months i was NOT thinking only of myself anymore. that's the point, i was turning my life around which greatly impacted, for the better, my DH.