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That's an opinion that we will not share. Rape victims will always carry the scar of the rape...no matter what healing they have done. It is more than a lesson learned. A 'lesson learned" is a good thing 2LONG...so, when does infidelity become a good thing?
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This is my first post. I wish my husband had taken some time to withdraw and collect his thoughts before telling me. I think then he wouldn't have said so many hurtful things that I still can't forget. We have been in recovery for almost a year now and he has been a wonderful husband during that time. But I still can't forget the things he said in the first few weeks when he was confused about what he wanted. I wish I had been lied to just a little bit longer if it would have meant I didn't have to hear his messed up thoughts. That doesn't make any sense at all. The news of adultery will ALWAYS be "hurtful." How in the world could the passage of weeks make such devastating news less "hurtful?" Adultery is as painful as the death of a child or a RAPE, so how could it ever be not "hurtful?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> How odd that you should register JUST TODAY in order proclaim that you "wish you would have been lied to" some more! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Fox, thank you for your post too. i almost didn't see it, posts are being added so fast!!!
it is taking me so long to forgive myself and i still have more to do, but this has actually helped me very much today. i so very much hate all the hurt i caused.
so posts like yours and victoria have helped me today get a little farther down that path.
so again i say... thanks.
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medc:
Infidelity never becomes a good thing. The lesson, once learned, is the good thing.
"I wouldn't take a million dollars for what I've learned, but I wouldn't give you a dime to repeat the experience." paraphrased from Dr. Phil.
-ol' 2long
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ML, you can only state your opinion/desire. guessing what "most" others would say is ummm, what's the word you like to use?? arrogant. Well silly, arrogant me for asserting that most folks don't DESIRE to be lied to! MY BAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Beam me up, Scotty! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What is that sound <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I hear?? I think instead of debating about why its NOT GOOD TO LIE to folks,[who woulda ever thunk??] I will make better use of my time and go clean out the lint in my belly button. Beam me up, Scotty! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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we are discussing the trade off here ML.
fast vrs slower.
not just lied to or not lied to.
you are trying to change what is being discussed.
not that i'm trying to stop you from letting Scotty beam you out of here.
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What's next?
We start debating what "is" means?
None of us should presume to know what is absolutely right for anyone other than ourselves.
We are all bound by an incredibly painful debilitating life experience, and must all do what we feel is in our (families) best interest.
I feel a bit John Cleesian when I say "This discussion has become quite silly".
Clearly not having an F-ing affair is the best course for everyone. Debating which phase of the moon to reveal that action in is somewhat arbitrary.
Can we all agree at least that in general it's better to confess rather than be found out?
Better still is to honor our vows to the one we chose.
2L - sorry to hear about your recent turn of events, buddy. I personally find it despicable that someone would kick anyone when they're down. I'd like to give you a "virtual" hand up...
BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs
??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries
She finally quit on...
1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on
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anyway, i'm out of here for now folks. time to go home and be with my family. bbl
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FL,
In those four months, can you HONESTLY say that you no longer were trolling for men on the internet.
If I remember correctly, you posted once about falling off the wagon so to speak.
Or, was this AFTER you told him?
Editing...confession while still engaging in the activity is not medal bound to me.
committed
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In the end, what's important?
-ol' 2long Being a person of integrity. >DING!!< RIGHT ANSWER! New question: Is there any specific timeline or method by which someone accomplishes that worthy goal? 'Nother one: Is infidelity 2 severe 2 ever allow a wayward the title of "good person", if they recover "their own way?" -ol' 2long
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I don't find it strange that multi time FWS, a man that would tolerate his wife keeping a picture of the OM in their home and a man that has lived for 12 years without having SF with his wife would be okay with delaying exposure. You absolutely have some wrong info here MEDC. Get your insults right before you toss them out. After seeing that post, I just think I'll start using ignore. How sad, and yes that is my opinion. Love in Christ, Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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The title needs to be changed to: Is lying about adultery acceptable under the guise of "personal growth?" or The FOGHORN EXPRESS! jes' can't decide which one fits better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i'm not saying i recommend waiting 4 months to anyone, but i will absolutely not recommend rushing to confess. Then IMHO, you are still foggy. And give us a break with the "Victoria" nonsense...none of us are falling for that ruse! FLTH- please do some introspective work. There are people here who are truly hurting, who need a plan and SOLID advice from people who "get it." I can assure you that when I came here I was not handled with kid gloves, but I was woman enough to take it and turn my life and my thinking around. Stop causing trouble on the board and trying to convince people you are right, because you aren't. Not according to the principles of Dr. Harley OR his forum. There ARE forums who support your particular brand of "healing." Maybe your "advice" would be better accepted elsewhere.
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Victoria38,
How safe do you feel right now posting on MB?
LA
(Edited because I couldn't tell a 2 from a 3.)
Last edited by LovingAnyway; 02/27/08 06:35 PM.
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FLTH:
Interesting thread you started here.
I'm sure JustUss has her finger close to the edit button.
When is it the right time for the WS to reveal the Affair to the Betrayed Spouse?
The only correct answer is "As SOON as POSSIBLE"
Everything else is just......whatever.
Is the BS wronged? Yes.
Is the WS afraid? Yes.
Can the BS find out First? Yes.
The principle is Recovery. Recovery can not occur until all the secrets are out.
DDay WILL be an ugly day, whether the WS reveals or the BS finds out first.
Bad people do not reveal thier crimes, and until the WS moves to a place that they are not "Bad People" they will NOT reveal thier crimes. Simple fact of life. We can thunder from the mountain tops for that to be different, but its not going to work.
If you can not respect the fact that a WS informed the BS of the secrets in thier life, FINALLY, then NO WS can ever be helped here, because that litmus test CAN NEVER be met. Because you only have to say that they did it ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, whatever, too late.
LG
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Or...
Don't confess if you still want to do it, cause you will be watched like a hawk and you won't be able to.
NOT confessing just leaves the door cracked..if not WIDE
open..to continue doing it.
committed
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Mel: I think I've decided that Texans must be a lot like the Italians I met while on a wild cab ride from Naples to Pozzuoli in 2004. Lots of rolling down of windows, screaming, and hand ges2res, but none of it was personal... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> -ol' 2long
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Victoria38,
How safe do you feel right now posting on MB? Good question, LA! I don't feel "safe" posting around all this FOG on the forum today. The thick FOG is very, very scary... I am very SCARED, LA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel: I think I've decided that Texans must be a lot like the Italians I met while on a wild cab ride from Naples to Pozzuoli in 2004. Lots of rolling down of windows, screaming, and hand ges2res, but none of it was personal... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> -ol' 2long I'm part Irish too, 2long! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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