LOL! THat explains a lot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

This thread gives perfect cover to every fogged out wayward who comes here who is not really sincere. I can just hear the bullcrap now:

"I can't tell my H about my affair now because I am working on my personal growth." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That could be milked by your standard wayward for YEARS!

Here's the thing...this whole discussion started when Brook CAME TO THIS SITE TO ASK WHAT SHE SHOULD DO!!! That does not happen very often, from what I've seen. Usually it is the BS who arrives here first and is frantically trying to pick themselves back up after being floored. Whether their WS told them or whether they found on their own, they are devastated.

SOOOOO, the point here is that when a WS comes to this board and asks whether she should tell the truth, anyone who PROMOTES Dr. Harley's teachings is going to say "TELL THE BS NOW!!!" They aren't going to say, "well, dear, let's help you feel better about yourself so that you can do the right thing when you decide the time is right." It just AIN'T gonna happen...until you add in people who aren't really on board with the Harley method, and should clearly find another board more suited to that type of thinking.

1. That is true, but if the WS is inclined 2 take advantage of... ...whatever... then they will. Every time.

2. At least here, they have a pretty darn good chance at being called out on the carpet for that.

3. And the trick is 2 call them on it without chasing them away, because: (see item 1).

-ol' 2long

Yep, and every WS who really wants help could not be run off by wild horses.


Darn, darn, darn good chance. Saying one can't expose because they are working on "personal growth" is a stunt that will quickly FAIL.


Something we have no control over.

But its not all bad, 2long, I am also part DUTCH and SWISS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane, I have been reading on here for months now. You asked why is it so odd that today I decide to register and post. The answer is because I feel so passionate about this issue that I finally decided to post. My husband said some very hurtful things to me because he was in a hurry to come clean and tell me the whole truth and he was still very confused at that time. He has apologized many times for the things he said, but I can't forget them. I can forgive the affair, but I am having a hard time forgetting the words he said about me and our marriage, which he would never have said if he had taken some time to get his s**t together. Coming clean made him feel better, but hurt me immensely. I didn't say I wanted him to continue to see the OW and to lie to me about. I think that is the part you missed.

2Long:

I have to agree with this:


The LONGER we get to work'em over here, the better we have a chance of getting them to DO THE RIGHT THING.

LG

In all honesty....what can you expect when someone uses the minimalist phase of "a few" times when the more appropriate phrase would be MULTIPLE TIMES...

But hey...it could just be me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

committed

That explains the stopwatch and the clipboard, then! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Oh let me guess? "longtime lurker, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Your story does not make a lick of sense. Nor does it ring true. sorry.

I'm willing 2 give her the benefit of a handful more posts.

Wow I can't believe that because my opinion and thinking is different from yours that you don't believe I am real. I will start a thread and post my story, as I have had a few questions lately that I have not seen already answered. I am surprised that you would attack me like this. Wow!

Not me. We have too many AKAs here who register new names ONLY to engage in debates and incite trouble. Its usually some other poster who is too cowardly to post under their usual name.

Someone who registers for the sole purpose of defending LYING to the spouse, while working on "personal growth" has no credibility.

Guess what - that would have likely happened no matter how long he took to confess his adultery.

We have examples here of BS's experience severe hurt when the WS has waited years after the A to confess. YEARS, Victoria. Because, here's the thing - while he might have used better words and "gotten his act together" if he waited longer, the main thing that would be running through your mind during D-Day is that, for all the time that passed between his A and his confession, you would have been living with and trusting someone who was choosing to be dishonest with you in the worst possible way.

And I am surprised that you would register to DEFEND LYING with a story that makes no sense, and then expect folks to believe you are a betrayed spouse! That just does not add to my feeling of "safety" around here somehow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I am just SHOCKED that you were "hurt" by his confession of adultery! I bet if he had just worked on his "personal growth" for a few more years, he could have told you in a NON-HURTFUL way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Enlighten me, then. How does this differ from long time members who post only 2 engage in debates and incite trouble? Like on a 2ple of threads 2day (this one being one of them?)


Maybe not. But maybe they'll learn something. Now that V is planning 2 start her own thread, I'll give her the benefit of a bunch more posts.

-ol' 2long

Mel:

This is not necessarily true:


WS shows up here, get blasted, disappears.

Happens alot.

Some, like Lala, take it and hang on, and grow from it.

Because they were ready to. (Not calling you out LaLa, just your the most recent example. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The ACT of coming here, searching to find a way OUT of the pig pen, IS a first step.

The rest of the steps ARE up to the wayward. But if we help them get thier footing and get them climbing out, then that will allow the next steps to occur.

1. Revealing the Affair.
2. Working for recovery
3. Recovered Marriage.

That's a short list, it should be about 20 steps, but you get the drift.

The first step is climbing out of the pig pen. And maybe IF they have done that, and then they come here, the advice to reveal to thier BS WILL be given. And have that step NOT be delayed any longer.

But it takes alot of strengh to do that. And it doesn't take wild horses to chase them away.

This THREAD could have helped many WS in the future who read it, if it was about the consequenses of delaying, the ways to tell, how to handle some of the possible direct fall out, what to expect the next day, and explore some of the WS fears: "I might get killed" "I might lose everything" "I might be homeless" And how in many cases THAT doesn't happen. The WS is wrapped up in the "I". But if they read this thread, and the experiences of other WS, it COULD have helped them gain the strengh they need to continue the climb.

But the thread went elsewhere.

Just my 02.

LG

I don't know of any long time members who just come here to incite trouble, [who haven't been banned, that is] so you would have to be more specific.



Why would she learn something if she doesn't come here for help but to defend lying and take a side in a debate? you are free to give such a person the benefit of the doubt, I can't imagine why, but to each his own.

WOW!!!!