Very true cipher.

Could you imagine a "do-over" going back to D-Day knowing what you know today?

I don't know how many times I've imagined that very thing. It woulda been a whole different ballgame.

I actually love that post of ark's. The people I send to read it are newly betrayed spouses who are in a panic. Many betrayed spouses go through a kind of "manic" phase where they are trying everything all at once....hoping that one of them will make a difference. They are all over the place, acting irratically and inconsistently. One minute they are in Plan A and the next they're filing for divorce. "Be still" is the right message for that stage of betrayal. It's about "acting" instead of "reacting". The opposite of "be still" during a panic attack....is "thrashing about aimlessly in fear". It's about all the things other people said about being grounded and rational. Righteous anger and indignation are okay, but rage and chaos isn't.

When you go to fast on a merry-go-round, it's putting a foot down and getting "grounded" so the spinning stops.

But you're right medc, once folks get past the chaos and confusion of the early betrayal...."be still"....can be interpreted as "be quiet" or be meek....and in the context of this thread the opposite of "be still" is "you don't have to take it anymore".

It isn't just the interpretation that gets me...it is the support that no action gets from some of the MB regulars.

Rage has its place and usefulness...but only very short term. Righteous anger which drives action is a valuable tool. The biggest enemy of the BS that I see is being too passive. That does more damage than anything else that I see on these boards.

When an A occurs it is the worst event of your life.

Being still for awhile after an A makes sense. The key word being awhile.

An A is an attack on you, your family and everything you stand for. Being still and generating a plan is an important step but it can't take too long. Consistent action of your plan is your key weapon on this attack.

It is a message that more need to hear. Because it is such an attack and is so painful, often BS's only want to hear things that make them feel good to lessen the pain and they get stuck being still. Action and continuing refinement of their plan is what they need.

agreed...awhile.

Yep, what Star*Fish said. I was manic. I was out of control. I was traumatized. Heck, I got 5150'd and put in the psych ward for 72hrs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I was a mess! Being still and reading that post at that time really helped.

Now I'm better and I am planning my strategy and the rest of my life intelligently and rationally.

the anatomy of an affair...brought to you by ark^^
:eek: eek
crazy
confused
mad
sick
shocked
tired

in any order of your choice....

hope all are fabulous

arkie^^^^^^^^^

trying to play devil's advocate here... what's wrong with being still and waiting out the affair? Because 1) we've been told time and time again the affair DOES end, 2) we can't MAKE WS do anything anyway, so why not sit back and let the whole nasty situation play out?

I wondered that too Serenity. But they don't have any reason to stop cheating if they know we are sitting back waiting on them. I think that's why I have been advised to go through with Plan B and the legaal separation because they think we are not going to do anything about it. I don't know, I have heard all affairs end too, but some of them dont end, especially if we let them have their cake and eat it too. It will just stay that way forever. We have to take ourselves out of their lives so that they can see what they are losing and then maybe they will show us what they are going to do to change and become better. I don't think they will ever do that if they know we are just going to sit it out and wait it out until they are done playing with their OW's. Then they have no respect for us and we probably will not even want them either after seeing so much disrespect and having so much pain because of their A's. Maybe that's why we have to go to Plan B and protect ourselves.

I am just learning and reading and I have some good people in my life like my sister and the advice I am getting here is helping me to see that what I have been doing hasn't been working.

while you can't MAKE WS do anything, you CAN make the affair uncomfortable by taking action. YOU CAN take care of yourself and set some reasonable boundaries that allow YOU to protect yourself and become whole. No one needs their spouse to end the affair...life will certainly go on if they don't come home..or if you decide that you don't want them home.

My whole point of this thread is that people should be doing something, other than sitting back...hoping that the affair might end, to improve their lot in life. Why not sit back and let the nasty little situation play out??? Because life is slipping by.