I am only 23 years old and i am about to get a divorce. My H had an affair last year a few months after i gave birth to our D. It lasted for about 8 months. I wont go into the pain and hurt i felt, but we did try to rebuild using the concepts found on this website.
I only recently found out that he has still been lying to me and that he has also contacted the other woman. I am leaving him. I do not deserve to be lied to and cheated on when i am giving my self to him so willingly. I will not take it.
I feel like i am too young to have gone through this type of heartbreak... Our family said it was too early, but he and i thought they were wrong...
I am scared but I know that this is something that needs to be done. He has taken and taken from me... I have drowned and I dont know who i am anymore.

Somone has experienced this before
help...


sorry, i dont know the short hand

I guess i should mention that there was sexual relationships with 2 diff women, then a repeat with one of the women that lasted 8 months. He also was emotionally involved with a 3rd woman for about 3-4 months before our D was born.

So there has been multiple acts of infidelity

you shoulld leave no one should live like that

((((HUGS))))

You certainly don't have to stay in that marriage but if you want to try to recover it, the information is here. Even if you don't, the concepts of Plan A and Plan B really help you to recover as a person. Infidelity is so painful and damaging no matter what your age. Also, find a support group through your church or a community center. Sometimes the women's shelter is a good place to look. You need friends and family now more than anything.

Hi H@23,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too suffered multiple D-Days and was adamant after the 4th to start over.

Your situation is a little different than mine but the results could be the same.

My story is below in the Romantic Experiences section:

Mr. romAnCE Saga My Strange Story

After the 3rd D-Day we both nearly committed suicide separately because the pain was so great.

He seemed to change and I trusted him again but caught him lying a few months later. That's when I gave up but agreed (for reasons you'll see in my story) to give him a stike 5.

I don't blame you for giving up, H@23. You are young and deserve better in life. However, if you want to give him another chance, if he follows through on posting and seeking help on GQII, and if he gets right with God and is remorseful, repentive and truly sincere, there is a slim chance that you could experience a miracle like my husband and I have.

Do not forgive him without just compensation. He needs to earn it....that was my triple mistake. There is a really good article about that on this web site.

If you decide to try again, you might consider starting (or reposting) a thread on General Questions II. It has more traffic than this forum and will give you a wealth of support if you do decide to try again.

I would suggest you get professional help by calling the Harleys for phone counseling.

When I was trying to decide, I wrote a list of "go/stay" reasons. Actually the list would have been for him to go or stay.....you should stay in your home with your baby.

Fortunately, the 4th D-Day happened just before we left on a 10-day vacation....away from the computer so he had to quit cold turkey. We had found MB books but not this discussion forum.

My FWH still does not post on this forum, so the fact that your WH has posted could be helpful....if he is sincerely sorry for his actions, not just that he got caught.

Best wishes,

Ace

P.S. There is a list of the MB acronyms pinned atop the "Just Found Out" section...hopefully they're still there, not sure after the board upgrades.

Hurting

I am so sorry that you are here.

Your situation is very troubling. Being so young and having to deal with so much infidelity...well it is devastating as you well know. ((((hugs)))

I can't say that your WH can change into a man worth holding onto. I've read his post and there is alot of self renovation that needs to be done. I encourage you to read this forum and learn. Recover yourself. Protect your child.

There may be a time in the future for some kind of reconciliation, but there are many, many "ifs" attached. And I say "may" only because I rarely say "never".

You stick to your boundaries Hon, they've been crossed too many times and in the worst ways. Try to keep your heart open for what God has in store for you. Don't let this heartache keep you from being vulnerable again.

You have time. Take things slowly.

After reading your H's shallow post on GQ, I would strongly suggest that you continue with your plans to divorce this man. He is, IMO, no good.

I am sorry for your hurt and pain. You can and will do better than him.

Hi Mk

This isn't to challenge your view, but to try and figure out what I am missing. Why did you, and others (so SOMETHING must be clueing your guys in)rip that guy? What should I be looking for in his post that gives his true feelings away.

One poster said he was not deserving of grace. But according to God, NONE of us is DESERVING, but we get it because of His love.

So, I'm missing something, can you tell me? THanks

Hurting,

I am so sorry that you are having to experience this, one of lifes most painful experiences at such a young age and with a new baby in your life as well.

There was a time when I would have said, kick the creep to the curb, the pain of getting over him couldn't possibly be worse than having this happen to you again.

However, you do have a child with him and it is not impossible for him to change. Right now, it is his job to figure out what within him is wrong that allows him to think that his actions are in any way acceptable for a married man.

While we are all vulnerable to have affairs, I do believe that some folks have real problems with boundaries and need to protect themself from ever being in a position to act inappropriately. Your WH sounds like one of them. My FWH is also someone who has a long history of problems maintaining appropriate boundaries with women.

My FWH dabbled in inappropriate relationships with women for our entire relationship both before and after we married. Even after d-day and all the pain that came with it, after 3 1/2 years of recovery progress, he once again started to repeat his old behavior.

For me that was the line in the sand that I believe your husband has also crossed. I do not suspect that you want to be the fidelity police and neither did I. I didn't then and don't now want to think that it is only my vigilence that is preventing another affair. I don't want him to want to have another affair.

What it really comes down to is what is your WH willing to do, NOT SAY, to protect you and your child from his poor self control, weak or non existant boundaries, and bad judgement.

Maybe I am a fool, but I believe that my FWH finally does get it. You see, in spite of everything he has done, I do know that he never wanted, and still doesn't want a life without me. What he needed and what I think your WH also needs is to completely understand that having you in his life will be impossible unless he changes his behavior.

Can your WH change? Yes he can, if he wants to bad enough. Can he become the kind of husband that you deserve? Maybe. But the road to recovery is long and often very difficult.

Should you give him another chance? That is your CHOICE. He has made all sort of decisions and choices without considering you. At this point, no one here would question a choice to end your marriage. But no one will call you a fool for giving him one last chance to try and fix himself.

Who

Gab
A couple of things. First off, this girl is young and has repeatedly taken him back. By his own account, he begged his way back in a dozen times without changing.

Next, his post is all about him. I don't think he deserves anything until he earns it. He won't IMHO. I think his post was self serving.

Next, this woman has decided to divorce and in this case, that is a VERY healthy thing for her to do. Even Dr. Harley has clearly stated that when someone comes to him and says they want to divorce that he is "right there with them."

I do not think it is the purpose of these boards or even respectful to try and talk someone out of their desire to divorce an unfaithful spouse. We can help them should THEY decide to give their marriage a try. But, not everyone does that and they deserve our support as well. Not every marriage can or should be saved. Some spouses are nothing more than baggage and should be dropped so that a new and more healthy life can begin.

His post on GQ seems to be another attempt at trying to guilt or con you into giving him yet another chance at breaking your heart.

You have to decide whether his words or actions have any meaning at this point. It sounds like he's got very little respect for you or your marriage at this point. He is still concerned with his wants and needs and not your needs or the needs of the marriage.

Dead on balls accurate!


HA23...if you EVER decide to give this "man" another chance...do yourself a HUGE favor...hook him up to a polygraph machine. Only then will you truly see all the horrible truths of what he has done. Do not count on him to be honest with you...he won't. When you are armed with the truth, you can then make decisions about your life.

Mike
I get what you mean about not every spouse deserving forgiveness. I was reading another thread about "the feelings of WS towards the OP after the affair is over". One poster listed something like the following.

OP1- hates
OP2- ambivalent
0p3- cant stand
OP4- still has feelings

There may have been OP5, I cant remember. Does someone BESIDES me seen the ridiculousness of thinking there wont be a 5 or 6 etc.

Now, I FULLY realize how much LOVE plays a role in wanting to keep your marriage together IN SPITE of multiple betrayals, so I am NOT making fun right here, its just amazing how LUCKY some people are to have such wonderfully forgiving spouses.

Thanks MK.

Hello. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Truly I am.

I think you are best leaving your husband (actually, I think he should be removed from the home) at this time. I suggest the strongest Plan B that you can muster (not as an attempt to save your marriage, but as a protection measure for yourself).

I have experienced infidelity, lies/manipulation, and much more before. While you stay with him, he is only learning that he is getting away with the behavior. It is unfortunate and quite beyond my understanding, but people like this do not often think "wow, I'd better not blow it this time" consistently after getting another chance. They may in the short term. They certainly say they do. Long term, however, what they take away is that they've gotten away with their behavior, and that you will tolerate it. You will protest, but you will tolerate it.

Forgiveness isn't something freely given, it is something earned. Acceptance you can do on your own, but forgiveness is a transaction between the parties. Genuine forgiveness requires a lot of things that aren't evident in your husband. For more information, see Dr. Janis Spring's book, "How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To". I attended one of her talks and spoke with her at length at the Smart Marriages Conference in 2004. She has some really good stuff.

I've posted to your husband. Since he doesn't seem to have returned on his own to his own thread, I'd appreciate it if you'd let him know about it. I'd like you to read it, as well.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2037974#Post2037974

His post here is more of the same...for any real change you need to separate. For you to even decide how you want to proceed forward with a clear head, you need to separate.

I know hugs and sympathy won't make the pain better or easier to bear, but I give you both anyway.

{{{Hurting_at_23}}}

Don't give an inch to your WH.

HE has to bend over backwards and contort at this point to prove to you he's even worthy a second glance. He's being told what he needs to do, he's got all the same info as the rest of us at his disposal. He knows what he needs to start doing all on his own, so you need not worry about that. If he doesn't do it, you will know he's unworthy.

I don't even think Plan A is anything you should be thinking about right now. Plan B is what I would suggest. This man? has a lot of work to do.

Maybe I'm not the right girl to be posting to you right now, as I have suffered thru 3 affairs that I know of, Plan A, Plan B, false recoverieS, and am now separating again. I worked very hard to save a marriage that probably should not have gotten so much attention; not without my WH having done ALL the hard lifting for some time.

I say none of this in malice, just to protect your interests here.

Skedaddle !! Don't look back !! Time to put some serious distance behind you.

Hurting:

This is what I posted to your H on the GQ board. I have dealt with multiple affairs so please read:

Words from you are meaningless at this point. You will be judged by your actions...and that is how it should be.

I could not agree more.
I am a BS who's now exh had multiple affairs. You want to know how I feel? I do believe now he also had several EAs before anything turned into a PA. Each time I found out I lost another part of ME. Each time I would go on the computer and see he had found some anonymous woman in a game chat room or something to discuss OUR marriage problems with (or what HE felt was wrong)I died a little more. Then there was the ONS, i was physically ill. After that it was all down hill. There was another with one of my kids school mate's mothers. Then the screwing around he did in Texas at military training where I got the hotel charges on the debit card for. The women he went home with from the local bar. The times he just didn't come home at all. And this last one, where he broke up someone else's marriage! He is still with that ow.

Each time, I lost more of myself. My self esteem was in the toilet by the end. I didn't care about anything anymore. Each time he got caught he promised to behave himself. Each time he did not. It was wayyy too easy for him to cheat! I finally threw him out. And he has the nerve to be mad at me that I did! Every chance I gave, he ruined. It has been 3 years now, and I made the right choice. My life could not be better without him. I deserve better than that and so does your wife. Good Lord, you two are so young and you are doing this already? How can she possibly trust that you will NEVER do this again? I wouldn't to be honest. I have been there done that and have the tshirt.

Actions will speak way louder than words and if I were her, I'd be making you prove those actions from different living quarters. I'd not want you anywhere near me. Like SL said, don't talk, don't justify, nothing. Just do. IF she is smart, she will not take you back for at least 6 months or a year of continued progress on your part. Get into counseling to see why you did this. And to make sure it doesn't happen again. And she will need it too. On her own. Do you see that you have probably just sucked the life right out of her doing this over and over again? I will never understand why people don't just leave a marriage instead of cheat. I would have had a lot more respect for my exh if he had done that. When and IF she does take you back, you will need to be an open book. No more secrets, no more lies. Period. Ever.

Being that it is so early on in the marriage, if I were giving her advice, I'd tell her to cut her losses. From my experience with a serial cheater, I sure wish I had cut mine sooner.

I really don't know if your marriage can be saved or if it should. If you are willing to do whatever it takes for your WIFE than maybe. And if you can, I hope you thank your lucky stars because in my opinion, a serial cheater doesn't deserve being in the marriage.

You asked for input from someone who has been through this with a spouse. There is my 2 cents.

Take it for what it is worth.

mlhb

Hurting,

Welcome to MB. You will find support and help here from those who have lived through their own dark days and come out on the other side.

I have been posting to your WS and am sad to say that I find his mindset to still be one of entitlement and self-centeredness. I have asked him if he is willing to do whatever it takes to helkp you heal. He has not answered that question or any other question from other posters, but instead, has pretty much ignored most of what has been posted to him.

I wish I could tell you that I see some hopeful signs. But I do not. Because of the pattern of betrayal and the lack of willingness to do whatever you need to heal, I suggest you run. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and make your life safer.

Continue to post and receive support from others. Be strong and courageous.

As you all have seen somehow WH figured out that I joined MBforums. I must admit I feel really ackward knowing that everythin i post will be read and possibly thrown in my face...
But i need someone to vent to.
I am literally drowning, have been for the last two years. I cannot remain in this destructive situation. I come from a line of very strong minded women who dont take any crap, which also means i come from a line of divorced single mothers. I took it upon myself to break that cycle of divorce and opened myself to WH. I was still recovering from delivering my DD-12mon when i fould out about the PA. It ripped me, and I have been running on just enough to take care of my DD. I will graduate in May but im scared... I have no money job, i am between a rock and hard place.

WH has for so long gotten his way, grandmas, aunts, mother, and female friends never tell him no. I found out i have become one of those women. But I cant do it anymore... my baby.. thats who i think of... my sweetheart. What can I do?

I cant breath here



Thank you all for replying to me.

Hurting, the thing that will help you the most will be to network. There is SO much help out there, but we Americans are frightfully ignorant on how to get it. Please call United Way and tell them of your situation. Ask them to hook you up with job search help, living situation, donated food/furniture/baby stuff/whatever, and anything else. Please let them help you get started on your own - for your baby's sake.

Also, go to your local Chamber of Commerce. Tell them your situation and ask them to hook you up with some local organizations that will be good for you. Things like babysitting co-ops, women's clubs, young professional organizations, they can help you get a new life started.