Thank you! This story mirrors in so many ways what I feel when I look at my FWH. I don't feel the anger anymore. Now I look at him and just wonder who he is. Where did he go and why? Do I love him? I'm not sure anymore. I feel now that he is my friend, but not my husband. I am hoping that this, too, will pass. That someday in the not-so-distant future, I will feel
passion again--like we had before. But how to get to that place? It is so far away . . .
Is this where you "fake it 'till you make it?" Do you try wild, passionate SF even when the thought of SF with someone who did this is revolting to you? [/quote]
CSJ,
I know what you mean...I don't really feel anger or hatred toward my H, but I wonder what happened to him...Shortly after DDay, when he had told me that he was afraid of losing me as his wife and also his friend, and he said that I was always his friend, I asked him, "where was my friend when you were having your A?" He answered, "Off being stupid"...
In my case, Intellectually, I can understand how and why this happened, thanks to the books SAA and HNHN...Emotionally, however, I cannot understand it...why did he do this? How could he not think of me and my feelings? I love him, but I am not sure if I am in love with him anymore...I feel love for him at times, and other times, I just feel like we are just good friends...who have SF, much more than before the A, but it is different in a lot of ways....The SF has been exciting and passionate and my H says it is better than it has been in years. He has told me that the major reason for his PA, was due to the lack of SF we were having and that he felt rejected by me as I put the kids' needs ahead of his. This is true, and I have worked hard to meet his top EN of SF since...It has taken me a while to get the OW out of my head during SF, and when he does something a bit differently or new, of course I know where he learned it, and it hurts.
As for faking it until you make it, I guess that is what I'm doing in a way...You do need to try to meet the SF need, and in my case, it is a way for me to feel close to my H...When he gets his SF need met, he meets mine, and then meets my needs for affection and attention...We are turning around our pattern pre-A, which was like a vicious cycle - he was not communicating with me, so I withdrew from him sexually and the less he communicated with me, the more I withdrew...he felt rejected, and stopped approaching me...then I withdrew further...
The SF will not be the same as it was "before", but it can be better...You need to show your H that sex and love are intertwined and that if you have both, the SF can be unbelievable... [/quote]
Oh, Mamafish, I could have written exactly what you wrote, word for word. How many of us are there with the same story?
But I am feeling more like CSJ at the moment - loving but not "in love". Not feeling the desperate, passionate, heart-thumping, spine-tingling love that H probably felt with OW. Is that the "real thing" or is it the steady, day to day, kiss before heading off to work, snuggling at bed time, discussing the morning news over coffee, dealing with the kids or the aging parents, kind of love? I don't know if I'll ever feel the former again, but I know I CAN feel the latter.
We had amazing, mind-blowing, thigh-trembling SF up until about 2 weeks ago - even in the week following D-day. But it has cooled off a bit. H says his age prevents him from daily SF. Although the only person he ever had SF with 6 days in a row (sometimes twice a day) WAS NOT WITH ME, and I totally resent that. Do I sound a bit pissed-off?
