I wrote this on a thread today because this is how i have been feeling lately.


When your FWS is remorseful and doing everything possible to help you and you still can not "get over it" what do you do?

If you find the answer, let me know.

I thought about a revenge A, then realized that not only is that beneath me, but so are all of the potential partners that would sleep with me. I wouldn't lower myself to the level of some dishrag skank, nor would I be that guy who will lie his way into a woman's pants.


I've felt the way you do many, many times. It's like a little voice in the back of my head, applying constant, steady pressure.

It says, "You'll never get over it. You'll never trust her again. You're wasting your time. You can be happier elsewhere."

That's on a good day.

Give it time. talk to someone. BUT, remember...not everyone can get over an affair. Harley mentions this in a few places. I think it all depends on how you are wired. If you are a big detail person and have a mind that just runs (I do), it will be harder for you to get over. If you are a big picture person...just looking at this issue in the scope of a lifetime, it might be easier.

For some, sadly, the only answers are to either live with unhappiness or move on.

I am sorry you are in such pain.

SC, we don't just "get over it," we have to go through recovery. And recovery takes time. When you have a knife wound, it does not heal in one day, it takes a long time.

When was D-Day?

And who is a hypocrite as per the thread title? I don't see any hypocrisy here.

I agree with MEDC, Still. Give it more time. Consider finding someone to talk to about your issues, even those not marriage related.

I AM more of a big picture kinda gal, and could envision a happy future, as long as both of us chugged away and built a safer marriage; probably why I endured as long as I did--eye on the PRIZE, I suppose. That was MY vision, though, and I'm only half of the picture. PWC lives in the details, and considering what MEDC states, I would have to think PWC couldn't get over his affairs (the fantasy), or deal with the damage.

I was also not willing to live in unhappiness, so movin on was what I had to do. Movin on may be what you end up choosing; I would hope that your were sure before you did that, though.

Still, if there are any lingering issues, unrelated to the A, that are causing resentment, they could inhibit your ability to 'get over it'.

Melody I am calling myself a hypocrite because i am posting on a marriage building site when right at the moment that is the least thing on my mind.

I am 43, my FWH is 50 we have been married for 23 years together 25 years, we have 3 kids, DD20, DD18, DS16 and his A was Dec 2006-Feb 2007, he got DEATHLY ill approx 2 weeks after D-Day (Jan 19 2007) and our M recovery kind of got put on the back burner for health recovery. He was off work until June 2007 (OW was a co-worker), OW left company July 2007, called him Aug 2007, NC since then. So in comparison to a lot that i have read on here it was not that bad but it still HURTS like h@ll.

Well i am not sure which i am, i would like to think i am a big picture kind of person but my mind runs constantly (it causes sleeping issues with me and always has it has just been worse since the A). And i am ALMOST to the point of agreeing with you about either being unhappy or moving on. Notice i said ALMOST, i haven't quite given up just yet but am very close.

And it is not even that i am unhappy because that would be wrong to say too. I guess i just don't want to feel like i settled maybe. I don't even really know my own d@mn feelings so how is my FWH supposed to help me get over them.

I think there are always issues in any M, i guess how i am handling them is just probably different than it was pre-A.

You are not a hypocrite at all, you are a person who is recovering from a devastating and traumatic shock. There is nothing hypocritical about that. You have to recover in order to have a marriage, SC. You are doing EXACTLY what you are supposed to do in the aftermath of an affair: GRIEVING.


Not as bad? Your husbands affair was as a traumatic as being RAPED or the death of a child. That is pretty bad, SC. Please give yourself a BREAK. You are SUPPOSED to be grieving; this is part of recovery. You are not a HYPOCRITE, you are a woman who has been badly HARMED who is trying to recover from her wounds.

Is he doing the things that will ensure you are not constantly triggered? ie: accounting for his time, avoiding all contact with OW, being honest?

He does a lot of things for me, he is transparent with his time, he gives me his cell phone as soon as he walks in the door, he has been NC since her call in Aug of last year (which he told me about the call or else i would have never known). He really is trying hard.

Then you have me who even though he calls to tell me his schedule is changing (and this happened pre-A as well) can only think "yeah right again" even as i am telling him "thank you for letting me know".

Why do i do this to myself? And i have a ridiculous trigger that even i feel he should not have to give up which is his man cave in our garage. I am the one who is doing most of this to myself d@mn it, i just do not know how to stop. I do not know how to put it behind me so i have about come to the conclusion that maybe i am one of those people who can't put it behind them even though that is what i want to do more than anything in this world.

SC, you put it behind you by GRIEVING. And going through recovery. JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW. You are not going to be able to just magically put this behind you and make it go away. That is not how it works.

It took me about 2 years to be able to put it behind me and that is the average. You aren't even at a year from the last contact, SC. Recovery begins when contact ends.

SC, listen to Melody, she really knows what she's talking about.

ML - Welcome Back, it's been a little while. :-)

SC, please stop fighting the fact that you are GRIEF STRICKEN. You have been badly harmed and are making it worse by kicking yourself because you are on the floor bleeding. You need SELF SOOTHING, not kicks in the side. Give yourself FIRST AID, not castigation. There is nothing wrong with you. You cannot cure NORMAL. You are being way too hard on yourself. {{{{{{{{{SC}}}}}}}}

I keep trying to remember this Melody, I guess i just also worry that my not "getting over it" is hurting our recovery somehow.

Maybe i do still just need time to sort it all out in my head.

hey, NRO!

We must have posted at the same time. Ok i will try to take it a little easier on myself. I told my H i was trying to be more POSITIVE about everything and here i am beating myself up again.

I just really do not want to keep beating him up as he really does feel guilty about all the pain he caused me and the kids (not that i have been but i sometimes hate to even talk about things because i don't want him to feel like i am beating him up).

You have this backwards. You must RECOVER in order to "get over it." That means allowing yourself to grieve, not kicking yourself for feeling pain.

Don't be dredging up the affair again and again after you have all the facts. Just let him know you are feeling down again. Then, COME HERE and vent your grief TO US.

Also, you are NOT a hypocrite and I would appreciate it if you would change your title to something TRUTHFUL, like: Having a Hard Day. There is nothing wrong with you, SC. You are not weak or bad or hypocritical. You are wounded and you are trying to heal, that is all.

I don't, it is usually him. I think because his illness was so serious and so close to the end of the A that in his head they are kind of both the same thing in a way (i know that doesn't make any sense but it is hard to explain).

He will say things like "he is feeling so much better now" and i will ask him what he means and he will say "you know after what happened and me being sick".