Believer said...

This is from my wonderful husband, Want2Stay, after reading your last post...


Sorry, Amazin, but I must agree....W-O-W!!!!!!

I know... I know...

But like I said...for some unknown reason I feel compelled to try and make things work with her. She doesn't deserve someone as good as me and I definitely deserve much better.

I called her oldest brother this morning. I told him everything. He seems very sympathetic. I told him that I’m very disgusted that she’s letting him drive the car that I’m making payments on. My BIL said that would have put him over the edge.

I’m going to call her other brother and sister tonight.

Well I exposed to everyone in her family except one sister that I don't really know.

All of them said they were amazed that I stayed with her this long and that they wouldn't blame me if I kicked her to the curb.

Good job, Amazin. Exposure sometimes wakes them up - it takes a bit of glitter away from the affair.

Thanks Believer,

I hope this wakes her up... but I don't think it will. But you never know.

I'm going to find out exactly who her lover is. A name, and if he's married. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is hiding this affair from someone else besides me. That's why he's not driving his car over to her apartment.

My SIL's husband called me. We talked for a while. He said that he knew her plan was to wait for my SD to have her foot surgury in July and then leave me for good. Of course I pretty much knew that. For some reason she thinks I would take her off the insurance and keep my SD from getting the surgury that she needs.

I asked my WW about this yesterday. Of course she is the drama queen and said that she fully expects me to cut her throat and my SD's throat the first chance I have. If I wanted to do that I would have done it already.

I haven't heard from WW all day. I don't know if she's had any contact from any of her family. I'm pretty sure she hasn't heard from her mother because she was taking a trip and said she wouldn't have phone reception for a couple of days.

Maybe they didn't say anything to her.

But then again maybe they did and she's ignoring me.

Hey Amazin,

Realize that exposure doesn't work overnight...and sometimes exposure to the WS's family just doesn't work at all, depending on how disfunctional the family might be.

Her family is all on "your side", because you are a good guy, responsible, faithful and honorable. You have provided for her, your children and your SD and have no obvious flaws.

They may not ever speak to her about it, but her knowing that they know can be a very powerful anti-A drug.

Patience...

When do you next deploy??

I'm thinking it's not going to affect her. She doesn't care.

Hopefully I wont deploy again before I retire. But you never know.

Amazin,

Didn't someone suggest exposure back on page 1? Exposure is your best tool to pressure an affair. I know I haven't been involved in your sitch from the start, but exposure should have happened right away so that you could Plan A her a while and be ready for Plan B if it came to that. By meeting her ENs and being nice to her including changing yourself in regard to those things she said she had a problem with and not exposing right up front, you have not been in Plan A but plan doormat since you have shielded her from the consequences of her affair while doing everything you can to make her happy. Why on earth would she give up the affair if it was making you bow to her every whim?

You got the carrot part right but by avoiding exposure so long the stick is now going to be perceived as a club of punishment rather than a tool of healing.


Expose. Expose! EXPOSE! Then Plan A your butt off for a month or so and have everything in place for Plan B so you can just go dark one morning without a lot of discussion.

Mark

Yes they did Mark. And the reason I didn't immediately was because I didn't want to tip her off that I knew before the P.I. could get proof. That was also on page 1.

The first time I counseled with Jennifer she recommended against exposure. The next time I counseled with Jennifer I asked why. She said that exposure was up to me. However, her reasoning for not exposing right away was because it has a “Wow” effect on the WS when you do finally expose and go to plan B.

Why would Jenifer steer me in the direction of Plan Doormat? Sorry you don't approve but I was following the advice of the expert.


That's my plan.

My wife called spewing venom. We talked for about 30 minutes. Over all I was pretty calm. But I’ve had enough of her lying bullchit and there were times during the conversation that I became passionate.

Here are some bits and pieces from our conversation. (The parts I can remember anyway)



WW: Do you think that calling my family is going to make me want to come back to you?

Me: No, But they have a right to know what’s going on.

WW: Are you planning on calling all of them.

Me: I already did. I called all of them before I called you the other day.

WW: I know what game you’re trying to play and it isn’t going to work.

Me: I’m not playing a game.

WW: Well you called my mom. And she didn’t give you the time of day. (I talked to her mom on Saturday. She said she wouldn’t have any cell service until Thursday so I doubt my WW talked to her)

Me: No... You’re mom called me... And she was very nice and polite to me. She said she’s disgusted with you and so is the rest of your family

WW: She called you to talk to you about Step Son’s Insurance. It’s over... I’m never coming back to you. You’ve cut my throat too many times and...

Me: Look, I’m tired of the “You cut my throat” routine. You’re the one screwing other men. I’m the one that’s been stabbed in the back not you. You’ve hurt me very deeply.... And the fact that you were trying to use me the whole time you were having an affair is especially hurtful.

WW: Well... now you know how I felt the whole time we were married. I can’t trust you.

Me: That’s the pot calling the kettle black. You’re the one having the affair not me. What exactly is it that you can’t trust about me? You’re the one who can’t be trusted. You’re the one who’s been lying and deceiving everyone since December.

WW: I’m not hiding anything..

Me: You’re not hiding anything??? That’s why you lied to me in December when I asked if you were having an affair. I already knew about it then. If you’re not hiding anything why isn’t your boyfriend driving his own car and parking it at your house instead of my car?

WW: It’s over, I'n done. I’m never coming back so you need to go file for divorce.

Me: I’m not done so if you want a divorce then you need to go file. But I’m not going to.... Look ...I’m not trying to manipulate you into coming back to the marriage. I told you this before, I’m not going back to the way things were. I don’t want either one of us to be miserable. I want a new marriage with you. I still have hope for us.

WW: Well I don’t. I don’t think I can forgive you for what you’ve done. It’s like my ex husband and the toast. (That was the straw that broke the camels back in her last marriage) I’m done and I can’t forgive you.

Me: What exactly is it that you can’t forgive me for? Because I don’t know... I’d like to know what I did that was so terrible that you can’t forgive me.

WW: If you don’t know then I’m not telling you.



Yada yada yada.... Just a bunch of C-R-A-P


I did get a somewhat passionate... I tried not to LB. But it was hard.

And you thought she wouldn't even care! I think you did very well, all things considered, Amazin! Especially when you had that kind of venom spewed at you. I love the part where you cut her off and threw her crap back in her face.

She will be reeling from this. She thought for sure you were going to take this lying down. No matter what the outcome, once the worst of her anger passes, she WILL respect you more. She may still be mad, but she will know that you mean business now.

How are YOU doing? Do you feel empowered at all...?

Amazin...you did GREAT!


You SHOULD...because no matter what happens now, you have showed her the "stick" of plan A, and even though she spewed back, part of her heard you loud and clear!

Well done.

Now, sit back and Plan A.

I feel much better. I just happened to have a session with my counselor scheduled after my phone conversation with her.

I’m wondering how I expose to her AA group? And how do I find out information on her boyfriend? Since the cat is out of the bag there should be no reason for her to hide anything from me. I’m thinking that he’s still driving my car from his apartment to hers for a reason... He’s hiding it from someone... I’d love to find out who and expose.

Do tell about her ex and the toast..............

I’m not positive… but this is what I believe the deal is with the toast. In retrospect it’s probably a lie or an excuse for her to justify leaving him and having an affair.

When I was dating my wife she wouldn't use a toaster. I asked her why and she said it was because of her Ex. I asked her to explain. She said that she had gotten foot surgery and was in a cast. She asked her ex for some toast and he basically told her to get it herself… She says that was the straw that broke the camels back in her relationship with him.

Unbelievable!!!

She just sent me an email…. Here it is….

I need you to fax me a insurance card or give me all the information so I can call the insurance company with passwords and username so I can get it myself.

I can’t believe she’s got the balls to ask me for an insurance card…. So her boyfriend can drive the car…

The real reason she wants me to give her the insurance is so she can get a drivers license from this state and so she doesn’t have to pay a ridicules amount of money for insurance. (She got a DWI a year ago) Then she can go to the local court and request that they take jurisdiction over the custody settlement she got in Texas. In that settlement it states that for the benefit of her daughter she has to move back to Texas as soon as I’m no longer in the military or if we divorce. She’s trying to change what state has jurisdiction so she can stay here and not move back to Texas.

Maybe I need to call her ex and make sure he knows what she’s up to. Of course he’s way behind in his child support payments… But visitation isn’t tied to child support payments… they’re separate issues. If I were him I’d take her back to court for not letting me see my child. SD hasn’t seen her dad since last summer and she’s supposed to go once a month. WW is supposed to pay for the plane tickets.

I think you're doing really well.


Count me among those who think you should drop her like a hot rock and find someone worthy of you.

If you want to keep trying, it would be great if you could Plan A for a week or two, but I'm not sure how you can pull that off.

Given that, your Plan B letter needs to be the best love letter you can write. I would go through your last version and try to pull out anything that comes from the "I didn't deserve this--this is your fault" part of you.

Don't get me wrong--you are totally entitled to that part of you. You have earned it, especially since she is spewing lots of venom at you. For this letter, though, you need to write it from the part of you that still loves her. Think back to how great it was when you first met. Fill your mind with those memories when you're working on the letter.

Then go dark.

Plan B is the way to go. As betrayed spouses get into plan B, they begin to withdraw from their spouse (and all the accompanying insanity). They clear their own Fog as the peace begins to set in, and many BS's realize that they really don't want that person back in their life.

If you are wondering about whether you want her back, do plan B. Start the plan B with the intent of saving your marriage and see what happens. Something will happen, and it will at least lead you to a better place than you are right now.

You just need to protect yourself financially. Stop worrying about trying to woo this woman back. It's only going to wind up costing you more in the long run. This woman is an alcoholic, a serial cheater, and has serious psychiatric issues. YOU CANNOT SAVE HER FROM HERSELF. Save yourself the agony and stop trying. These types of people can only change once they've hit rock bottom. As long as she has you footing her bill, she's not going to hit rock bottom. And even then, it's probably going to take YEARS for her to straighten things out IF she ever does, WHICH I SERIOUSLY DOUBT! Your WW is destined to be one of those people who starts drinking again and becomes a non-stop drunk, gets married about 5 times before finally swears of marriage and just cohabitates with different men for several months at a time, develops health problems because of her drinking (and probably presciption drug abuse as well by that time), and dies relatively young, penniless and alone. There are certain people that are just destined to go down that path, and don't let this woman drag you down along with her.

I think you need to start sitting down and examining your past choices for a life partner. Marriage can be a whole lot better than what you are used to. Pick the right person next time.

I wouldn't send her anything... or respond. You REALLY need to get to Plan B. Do you have everything organized for that? Intermediary? Separation of finances? (can you remove her from your insurance coverage?) Have you thought about a LSA? If her BF is driving YOUR car, you know that makes you liable if he drives drunk or gets in an accident and kills someone? YOU can be sued because it's YOUR car. In a LSA you can either assign the title to her completely or take possession of the car. Even if you have insurance, a person can still sue the insurance company and you INDIVIDUALLY.

As for calling her ex... where does that fit in Plan A or Plan B? Have you ever talked to him before? Maybe he could give you some insight. I wouldn't do it for revenge though.