On Friday night things got really ugly at my house, there were DJs and AOs GALORE.

My H and I were having a discussion about him taking a new job that he has been offered. He wanted to know my opinion on whether he should take it or not. I have never been one to really even suggest where my husband works, I figure he is the one who has to be there every day not me he needs to be happy going to work (as happy as you can be going to work anyway LOL).

Well I kind of have an issue with a person at this new place where he has been offered a position. I have mentioned him in posts before. My H and I used to go out with this guy a lot. He seems get free tickets to things every week and would offer some to my H and I. The last time we went it was to a movie premier and we met him before the movie to have a drink (this was the first time we had met him prior to an event we usually just met him there). Well when we got to the bar he was with a woman that was NOT his wife, she was introduced as a co-worker/friend. Well it only took about 10 minutes or so before it was quite obvious these two were more than just co-workers/friends. So that night I told my H that this person, to me, was no longer a friend of our M. So my H has quit excepting invitations with this guy but he still talks to him quite frequently (both business and non-business things) and he has never really told him why we quit accepting his invitations he just always tells him we are busy.

So when my H asked about this new job he has been offered I did mention that I would feel very uncomfortable with him working at the same place as this guy since my H and I have hung out with him a lot. I told him that I would not like it if he and this guy went out to lunch and things like that. My H just kept saying that “we do not know for sure” and he is correct about that. So then when I said something about I know we do not know for sure, but trust me “I know” (because it was OBVIOUS that night and even my H said on that night that it sure did seem like they were more than friends). He then got upset and said something about me “getting over it and that I had to COMMIT to our relationship”. My goodness gracious when he said they words to me I WENT OFF ON HIM.

Things have settled down but some pretty ugly things were said on both sides and I am more confused than ever about our M and his “getting it” when it comes to the hurt he has caused me. I do not want my H to suffer but it seems as though life has just gone back to normal for him and I am left with having to deal with the backlash of his A.

Sorry about the vent just goes along with my bad month or so…..

I believe your questioning this guys character IS in line with being committed to your marriage, because you are trying to PROTECT it. Being around this guy could bring about an atmosphere that is not condusive to fidelity, IMO.

Approaching your FWH with your concerns, and voicing how much you are trying to be honest and do your part in protecting the M, without the LB's and AO's could go a long way to understanding.

Then again, if your WH is trying to dodge the consequences of his A, this needs to be brought up, too. PROTECTION is of vital importance. Keeping out of situations that have the potential to cause problems is imperative. This guy is a bad nut.

Remind him that you will get over it when you get over it, not a moment sooner, and not by any outside source; it will come from within, and it takes you healing IN TIME. His demand is selfish.

I was really trying to just get my point across without DJs and AOs until he said that "I" needed to "commit" to our M. Those words coming out of his mouth were just too much for me and like i said I WENT OFF.

I am not saying it was a good thing but it happened none the less. And it was not a pretty site that is for sure. I said lots of hurtful things about the A and how it has affected me and that it was his fault, i mean it was UGLY for sure.

Bump.... Just wondering if i should not be so upset about this guy where my H is going to be working.

You can't NOT be upset by something you are upset by. There is a reason for it. You need to ask yourself WHY you are upset and take that to your conversation. HONESTY.

I know you've already heard from me, but IMO, it's important that you BOTH agree to job changes (POJA).

If you think this guy is shady, I don't think you should hold that back (and you didn't, as we can see). The AO's and LB's need to be contained, though, SC. Not easy, I know, but necessary. Now all he heard was that SC is angry with me; he didn't hear your point, which was that you are EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this situation. YOu must readdress this issue, when things are calm.

I also hear your WH sweeping away, from what you told us. It seems that he wants recovery to be easier; it's not going to be, especially if you really start implementing these necessary changes to protect your marriage. Be honest with him, and ask for what you need. Does he HAVE To change jobs right now? If so, what other positions are available in the area? Is this shift work, and can he avoid this guy with another shift? Troubleshoot this together. CALM down and talk to each other, POJA.

No it is not necessary for him to change jobs, in fact he will be taking a $3.00 on the hour pay cut to take this other job. He has already accepted the other job and is waiting for all of his back ground check information to make it back to the new company before he gives his two week notice to his current company.

And we have discussed this guy and my feelings about the situation CALMLY before but my H just still thinks that i should not feel the way i feel. Even after Friday's big blow up when he took me to lunch yesterday (he only worked half a day so he could take care of tests for the new job) who was he on the phone with when he picked me up. Yep the same guy in question. You would think that even if he does not feel the same way i feel about the situation, just because it upsets me he would think a little more about my feelings instaed of just acting like they are no big deal. Maybe i am asking too much

Ok, wait a minute! He took the job without discussing it with you first? Now I have a better idea why you are angry.

SC, honestly I don't know what to say. I would be angry, too. This is a real problem, in terms of recovery. You guys aren't discussing IMPORTANT stuff BEFORE decisions are made. This is independent behavior at it's worst.

Well to give him the benefit of the doubt when he asked me about accepting the job when it was offered this particular guy was the ONLY reason i did not want him to accept this position.

I know my H and because he feels that we "do not know for sure" he will think nothing about being social with this guy i just know how my H is and i know that is what he will do and probably just not tell me about it because he does not want to listen to me b@tch about it.

I put my post on the Recovery section as well and this is in reply to something CV55 said to me about my Hs actions.

Whatever happened to the POJA? I think I would be even more angry than you if my FWW went to work with someone who we thought was having an affair and who had been a good friend previously. I would be upset if she worked with the person who new about and condoned her affair. What sort of influence does he expect the guy will have? I think that your husband needs to start taking your opinion and feelings a little more seriously. It sounds like he doesn't get how he is the really guilty party and needs to do whatever is required of him to reconcile. Well, that's my opinion, and It is probably worth about what you paid for it.

Well Marc the sad part is that i agree with you wholeheartedly. I just am not sure what to do about it. Like i said i don't know if this should be a "deal breaker" for me.

I really do not believe his was a good job move for lots of other reasons but my H believes that it is a good move. I just know how he is though and i know that he will socialize with this guy and i DO NOT like it. I also am guessing that he will hide it from me because he knows i do not like it. I know these are DJs but i KNOW my H.

This A crap is a pain in the [censored] to say the least.

Here's the thing about POJA, it takes TWO willing parties. You can't use POJA alone.

I am concerned about SC's FWH's independent behavior. It sounds like the relationship is headed back to how it was Pre-A. Now, if this is okay with SC, then I have absolutely no problem with it either. It doesn't sound like this behavior is OK with her.

You cannot force somebody else to follow MB. You can ask. You can also try to POJA WHAT PLAN YOU ARE GOING TO FOLLOW. Maybe a MC; maybe a BOOK, maybe you come up with your own plan, using tools you've gained over the years. I dunno the answer, I can only say that his current method is NOT the answer, and SC's response to his method (AOs, DJs, and the like) is not the answer.

None of this behavior was ok with me, and I never felt protected. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop (either an A, or he would just leave, or delve deeper into the alcohol to avoid, or that good ole loveless marriage).

Oh SL you are so right. You definitely CAN NOT POJA by yourself. I give my reasoning and he just casts it aside saying that i am making things up in my head that are not there. He uses the "we don't know about this guy" and also even if he is "what does that have to do with me and you". I can not get him to see that just being friends with someone like this guy is NOT a good thing. He thinks i overreact to everything.

And i cannot get him to read ANYTHING so we really do not have a plan. He just thinks i am going to make him suffer for his mistake for the rest of his life. Therefore i also do not feel protected and am ALWAYS waiting on the other shoe to drop. I am really just getting tired of this battle, i really really am. I just do not want to fight anymore it is just not worth it o me. I am going to "settle" until my son leaves home and then i am going to go my own way and i have told my H this too. I just am tired.

This is the point I got to with PWC . It was not healthy for me. I was very honest and open with him, but he wouldn't budge.

I do see differences with your FWH, though, SC. He tries in many ways; it just seems like there is more work to be done, and he is tired, too. He may see your deadline of your son's graduation as an idle threat, and is trying to keep from that hard work.

Remember, PWC wouldn't even touch me, he wouldn't even PHYSICALLY comfort me. It was as if he was a shell of a man with me anymore. It was difficult to look at him, every day and NOT see the man I loved, the man I married. This does not seem to be true with you, but I only hear bits and pieces, and can't know the whole truth.

In your situation, it sounds like you DO see your H, but his behavior is same ole same ole. I do believe it IS possible for you two to get back on track, but it would require a lot of work from you, initially. It would require you sitting him down and asking him to help you come up with a plan for the BOTH of you to follow, right down to discussing matters of importance BEFORE any decisions are made.

Also, YOU have to establish boundaries and consequences.

Thanks for your input SL but i just either cannot or will not (not sure which it is) fight anymore. I am too tired it is no longer worth it to me. I am done trying to figure out anything.

I can have a decent life for the next year it is not like i am miserable.