I am posting here to get opinions on something that has been troubling me.

When I was 5 months pregnant, my husband's best friend passed away in an accident. The death was unexpected and hit my husband really hard. My husband's best friend left behind 3 children and a wife. He & his wife had been married less than 2 years and had no children together. He had 3 children by previous relationships. His wife had 5 children by 2 different men.

Anyway, after my husband's friend's death, his widow started calling my husband's cell phone. My husband explained that she was having a hard time, so I understood why he was trying to be supportive of her.

It is worth noting that prior to his friend's death, his friend & his wife had been to our house several times & I had spoken to his friend's wife on many different occasions (on the phone, in person, etc).

I reached out to the woman & told her that I was there for her if she just wanted someone to talk with or hang out with. Or, if she just needed time, I volunteered watch her children. I stressed that if she wanted to talk with my husband, she should call our home phone...

Each time the widow called, my husband let me know that she had called. I tried to be patient, but it really began to bug me that she called my husband's cell phone & not our home phone. She told me that she got my husband's cell phone from her dead husband's cell phone (after his death). One time my husband called me & told me that she left a message on his cell phone saying she needed someone to talk to. I told her that I would call her & offer her support. My husband was okay with that. I called her but she acted as though she did not want to talk with me.

FOUR MONTHS LATER, this woman continued to call my husband's phone. She never called our home phone NOT ONE TIME. Each time she called, my husband would report it to me. Finally I had enough!! I tried to call her number but both the home number & cell phone number were disconnected. I told my husband that I was not pleased with the woman calling his cell phone. I explained that I knew she was going through a rough time, but she had to find someone else to confide in. My husband (being his typical self - never wanting to look like the bad guy), gave me her NEW cell phone number & told me to call her & let her know how I feel. Right then & there I knew that my husband was not comfortable with her calling either. I know my husband & if it was something that he felt strongly about, he would not have handed her cell phone number over so easily. He would have argued his point until the end. When he gave it up, he sounded almost relieved to give it to me. He felt like he was caught between a rock & a hard place because it was his best friend's widow, so he did not want to appear unfeeling.

So, I called this woman & told her not to continue to call my husband. I told her that I was not trying to be unfeeling but she was not respecting me or my feelings. I explained that I never told her that she could not speak with my husband, I asked her several times to call our home but she has continued to call his cell phone. I told her not to contact my husband at all since she could not respect my wishes. I told her that she had to reach out to someone else for comfort because it was inappropriate for her to seek comfort from a married man. I explained that my husband was her HUSBAND'S best friend, not hers. She met my husband through her husband.

I spoke with my husband's best friend's mom about this situation too. His best friend's mom could not stand her son's wife. She told me that I did right to confront her because this woman is a gold digger. She said that the woman was married twice to two different military men. This woman, the mother explained, looks for military men. The mother believes that the woman had my husband in her sights as her next husband.

It is worth noting that my husband had an affair early in our married. We worked through the affair due with help from marriage builders website. We try to be open & honest with one another now.

I respect the fact that my husband did not try to hide the fact that the woman was calling him.

I tried not to be insensitive to the woman but I just don't like the way the woman tried to back door me (calling my husband's cell phone). I also started thinking about a telephone conversation that she & I had BEFORE her husband's death. She was complaining to me about her husband. She told me that she LOVED my husband. She thought he was a great guy, etc. That conversation made me feel uncomfortable because she was a little TOO endearing of my husband.

But, please let me know if I was insensitive. Do you feel that I over reacted? How do you feel that I should have handled it?

I would also like to add that the woman has a mother, a father, a brother & two sisters. So, she has family to confide in. She also has a number of girl friends that she goes to the night club & other places with.

It is almost funny but before her husband's death, I told my best friend that I felt like this woman had a crush on my husband. I told my best friend about the telephone conversation I had with her where she went on & on about my husband. I remember thinking, "Gosh, does he (my husband) walk on water?"

When I spoke with her the last time, she lied & told me that she was returning my husband's call. I confronted my husband and he said she had left him a message on his cell phone giving him her new numbers. Then I realized that she had lied because she had changed her phone numbers, so my husband had no way to contact her. If there was no deceit intended, then why lie?

Two things come to mind:

1. Your H needs to protect your M by informing the woman that the calls can no longer continue because they are making you unfortable and therefore affecting his M. In fact, the fact that he turned over the responsibility of telling the woman to stop calling to you rather than taking it on himself suggests that he might need to brush up a bit more on MB principles.

2. If the woman continues to call, have her number blocked if possible. Or get your H to change his cell number.

It would be best if he could tell her to stop calling him because HE is uncomfortable with her calls. If he has an e-mail address, he could use it so that he does not have to have an actual conversation with her. Then, he should not answer any calls from her and if she continues to call, he should get a new cell phone number.

My question is: what does he want to do about this situation? You have every right to request that he terminate this relationship. You are not being insensitive. Does he want to terminate the relationship? If he is abiding by Marriage Builders Principals, he should want to terminate it. Is he willing to do that?

He never had a relationship with her outside of her being his best friend's wife. Prior to his best friend's death, my husband thought that she was gold digger. Apparently, all was not right with their marriage. His best friend confided in my husband about what was going on, so my husband did not care too much about the woman.

My husband did change his cell phone number, but not because of her. We changed carriers, so we both got our phone numbers changed. We never argued about the woman either before I called or her after. He never said anything else about it after I called the woman. In fact, we never spoke anything else about her.

I don't know if that answers your question, but I can't speak for him. He never expressed to me that he did or did not want to maintain contact with her.

Insensitive? No
Smart? Yes !

Over reacted? Not a chance

You handled this situation very well .... good for you !

Pep

Thanks Pepper...I have had the baby now, but in the back of my mind I still question whether or not I did the right thing. Especially since her husband passed away. I wanted to be sensitive but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "this is how affairs start." One person is going through a lot and leans on another person. An emotional affair begins and then it can become physical.

Don't have a second thought about what you did. I would have done it a lot sooner than you. So long as you are firm but polite, there is absolutely nothing wrong with protecting your family. Good job.

Great job imo! By both you and your H. Him for being open and honest about what was happening, and you for recognizing the potential danger this posed to your marriage and being proactive protecting it.

While what happened to her is terrible, that does not mean it is your responsibility to give more than you are willing in a fashion that makes you or your H uncomfortable. You offered support on your terms, and she did not want it. That is her choice to make. She does not get to dictate the terms.

Your H's actions through this must be a big relief to you. This was a test, and it sounds like he passed it.

friendnneed - On the contrary, you were being very "sensitive" toward your husband and your marriage.

You did NOT "over react," you reacted appropriately toward your husband's very appropriate openness and honesty TO you.

It is obvious he is a caring sort of person, and people (like this predatory woman) see that and know they can "take advantage" of that. "Caring" people have a difficult time telling someone "no" and it is the one thing that they really struggle with and need to learn how and when to "just say 'no'."

Also, in a marriage, you are his "helpmeet" and "completer." You "compliment" your husband in areas he is "weaker" in, as I am also sure he does with you. As you sometimes need him to be "strong" for you, you were "strong" for him in this time of need.

There are two thoughts you might want to think about concerning this, as they apply to your marriage in all circumstances:

1. Extraordinary Precautions. They PROTECT the MARRIAGE, especially when there has been a past infidelity. It appears that both your and your husband learned that lesson, especially the "openness and honesty" part that leads to transparency and trust building.

2. "You and Me against the World, if necessary." This is YOUR marriage. The death of your husband's best friend, though certainly tragic, is NOT a "reason" to allow inappropriate behavior by ANYONE that interferes with YOUR marriage. That is part of the idea of "leave and cleave" to your spouse, not to anyone else.

You offered the only appropriate help, "call at home, not on cell phone," and the offer was rejected in favor of "whatever SHE wanted to do." Couple that with the obvious and KNOWN opinions that she is a "gold digger" and really only interested in herself, and, if anything, you both took to long to END any relationship with this woman. But you ended it, and THAT is all that matters.

Support your husband, as his Caring nature will likely leave him with FEELINGS of "discomfort," of being some sort of "bad guy," in not being "sensitive enough" to help someone in need. The answer is that "feelings lie" and he DID do what he could, but the BOUNDARY line of "not allowing someone to DO something against him OR the marriage or YOU" was crossed by this self-centered woman. She will now be "on the prowl" for a FOURTH husband (or at least a 4th "man"). From that alone it would seem that she is a "black widow" type and does not have one clue about what BEING married means.

Congratulations to you and your husband! Well Done!!

As Tyk said; "This was a test, and it sounds like he passed it." I would add that this was a test that you BOTH passed.

Lessons learned, applied, and made a part of your lives.

A great Success Story of a restored marriage following infidelity and how those lessons have protected your marriage from "future" events.

God bless you and your husband as you continue to cleave to one another.