Alrighty then, I'll update once in a while. I guess with all the drama gone, I just don't feel compelled to post. It's nice to not have all that dramatic crap going on inside me. Now, I have to sort it all out; what's mine, what's his, blah blah...

I ditto what chris said. Even what we may consider mundane - can help others see that life DOES get better and there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel they are heading into.

I remember when I couldn't see that light. At all. Not even a speck. My life was OVER. I was certain that I would not be happy again. That I would never again be able to think far enough ahead to even PLAN to go outside to garden.

Knowing that we will not ALWAYS spend every living moment thinking of the WHs and being wrapped up in their every move and demand, helps tremendously.

Don't stop posting. We want to know what is up with you.

And chris......there are certainly more than 3-4 people looking at your thread.

I haven't posted much either....mainly because work has started getting really busy, but also because there isn't much going on. I know what you are saying about the "everyday" stuff, I'm there, too. We really ought to post, though.

Take care, all!

Fox

You guys are right. Regular posting is a good thing. I still have lots of unsaid things simmering below the surface, and sometimes I need to vent them out, and I'm not ready to say them to the SCQ. This is the best place to do that, because you guys get what I'm talking about.

Along those lines, I was chatting with a friend (also a BS) recently. I was telling her that the father of one of DS8's classmates died suddenly a couple of months ago. The kids were on the same baseball team last year and had been in the same class in a previous year, so I got to know the father a bit and already knew the mom. One day he wasn't feeling well, went to the ER that or the next day, and died of a staph infection the day after that. Poof.

It was about three weeks before I actually ran into his widow at the end of a baseball game. I approached her and gave her my best "I'm so sorry" and "if you ever want to talk with someone who has experienced significant, sudden loss" spiel, which I whole-heartedly meant. She was really messed up. At the same time, however, I was thinking that she was better off--that it was better that he died than cheated on her.

My friend responded that the exact same thing had just happened to her. The dad had dropped dead of a heart attack in his mid-40s, and my friend said she had looked at the mom and "was filled with envy." Which was another part of what I felt but was afraid to vocalize.

What do you suppose a wayward spouse would think about that? That I'm jealous of a widow and think that my kids might be better off, too? For the record, most of these emotions are past me--I don't have those surges anymore, but I can remember them.

Weirdy weird weird.

Just this morning, I'm walking up the hall toward my office, and the thought struck me; if PWC had died instead, I wonder if I would have felt half the loss as I do now. It's all speculation, because he didn't die. He cheated on me . It's just DIFFERENT loss. I don't envy anyone; well maybe I envy, a little, the love that they still shared up until the last day, the innocence of their relationship.

I sometimes still mourn the innocence that I had, and it being ripped away. I am happy that I have a more realistic view, but I would have preferred not to gain wisdom in this way.

I still have remnants of feeling for the man I married, but PWC is who he is now, and I'm slowly coming to accept that. I'm finding it to be no easy task. I still have this fantasy that PWC will return, as he was before the A's, and comfort me. I've actually had dreams like this over the last week or so. Even when I'm dreaming, I KNOW it's just a dream. I think I caught myself chuckling in my sleep during said dream.

When STBX made her attempt last year, there was a part of me that wished she would have succeeded.

A year later, while still not mother of the year, the damage in her relationship with DS4 is somewhat repaired and I'm glad that DS4 has two parents that give him love. I can say NOW that I'm glad she didn't succeed.

Those feelings seem like a hundred years ago now, but at the time they were very real and very raw.

Just another reminder to those in battle that things get better eventually.

Yep. That seems like several years ago now. It was only 14 months ago for me.

We have come a long way.

I remember too. I remember thinking to myself that I would never be able to laugh again, think about even dating, or able to stand the sight of EXH.
But, I am able to laugh, again, if not more than before, which to me speaks volumes. I do date a little, and I like to think about it, and I can see EXH, and I do not feel ANYTHING.

In a lot of ways I am glad that it is over. The only time I am not is when my kids miss him.

But, it is amazing, time DOES heal wounds.

Well SD, with the developments in my sitch recently, I had some of those thoughts about death going through my head. Not that it would have taken away the A, but some thoughts along the lines of beneficiaries etc.

Just being practical you know?

Here's what I mean. A couple of months ago, the H of a friend was killed in a car accident. They think that he had a heart attack and lost control. She made the comment that we both suffered the loss of a H. I thought she had it way easier for a lot of reasons. He left knowing that they both still belonged together, he wasn't with someone else, there was no betrayal to deal with, hopefully they would see each other again someday, AND she was the beneficiary of all of the assets - life ins., retirement funds, house etc. Here I am at 53 staring retirement in the face with basically nothing now. The D will pretty much wipe me out. There is definitely a practical side to M isn't there?

In my D support group last night we watched a film regarding the healing process. Everyone tells you to "get on with your life" but they cautioned us to "get on with our stability" instead. Makes sense. In the film they interviewed a dozen individuals or couples who didn't heal before they got into another M or relationship. All disasters. Hurting people just want the hurt to go away so they think that someone else can take it away. It's only temporary. During this time we tend to operate on emotions more than normal, and we know what that leads to.

Anyway, the rule was 1 year of personal recovery for every four years of M. OK, so for me I guess this is the end. How many hot dates take place in nursing homes?

Their stats said that 76% of 2nd marriages fail, 86% of 3rd marriages fail, and a whopping 98% of 4th marriages fail. My assumtion was that these excluded affairages. Stats on those I'm sure are higher.

I'm rambling and not sure what I'm trying to say anyway, so I'm getting off now. Need some caffein to get going this morning I guess...

SD,


I'm around,,,,just not posting as much as I often feel the same as SL in that it doesn't seem that important to share seemingly mundane details of my life these days.

HOWEVER (and there's always a however in life), like Chris, I enjoy, root for, and benefit from hearing about everyone else no matter what's happening with them! It is a continuing process in which we get to similiar stages at different times.

I celebrate every GOOD & Wonderful thing you all share here, and I so so so often feel & understand the difficulties. In so many ways, we are all in this together. (sorry to quote a Disney Movie song! ha!)

I was out of town on business since Monday and was catching up with everyone this morning. I read SO many posts that express many of my feelings, emotions, and mirror where I am in dealing with Drac! It did lift my spirits a lot.

So,,,,,,,,keep those updates coming everyone. I may not post but I am reading, laughing, crying, cheering, and praying right along with each and every one of you!

Chris - - I was thinking of skipping the rice paper. I am instead training for the walk across the burning coals; its feels like I've been doing that for the last year! ha!

Thanks for dropping in, everyone. Having the familiar posters around (seeing the familiar faces?) is another good reason to keep posting. I'd like to think that someone has learned something from reading my thread, even if it's what not to do.

The SCQ will be dropping off DD4 at my work in a few minutes. The swimming lessons take place on the college campus (where the SCQ works and has a parking pass), and at this time of day, I balked at committing to them, so the SCQ takes her to them (even though it's my day). For the past three weeks, the SCQ has come by my work (close to the campus) and dropped off DD4.

It's fun, because DD4 likes to come to my work and is really cute. It's not particularly triggering. I manage to focus all my attention on DD4 and not interact with the SCQ at all generally.

I've had some low-grade anger bubbling under the surface for the past couple of days. Last night I had a dream where I said all the things I have not told her so far. It wasn't a real Plan FU, but it was following her around the house trying to make all teh various points (the typical "if only you could see that" stuff). Even now, I still have the temptation, to try to make her see what she's doing--how it's hurting the kids, how she will lose their respect, etc. Might as well tell it to my car, right?

It's a long weekend without the kids, and I'm looking forward to the time. Going to relax, relax, relax.

Update: I'm okay.

Work is fine. Kids are good. Parents visiting, which is always great and helpful.

But I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Feeling unfulfilled? Needy? Angry? Sad? All of the above? I feel like I need or want something, but I don't know what it is.

About a week ago (and via email), the SCQ and I reached an agreement on division of assets that works well for me. It was very businesslike and favors me, but maybe that has me triggered anyway.

This morning I got an email out of the blue from my high school girlfriend. Just trying to re-establish contact and inquiring about how my life has turned out. It's been 20 years since I've talked to her, so there's really quite a bit to tell, but what's at the forefront of my mind? This (the implosion of my marriage, breakup of my family, being a victim of infidelity).

When does my life stop being about This?

When you have that answer let me know. But, time and distance does heal.

Now about this:


If she is married......as the raven said, "Nevermore."

She isn't. She lives in Chicago, so it's not exactly a temptation for me, either.

Maybe I just need BR to come around and tell me to quit wallowing. I think if I saw someone else saying these kinds of things, I would ask them what they've done to take care of themselves lately. My life is really pretty good.

Quit wallowing.

Thanks.

Not quite the same, somehow, but I appreciate the effort.

No problem. I know you like your advice wrapped up in new-age flagellation but that has not typically been my style.

So the roller coaster ride has continued into one of those dips. Lots of anger and depression about the way things have turned out. What a disgusting person the SCQ has become, that my kids and I are stuck with this situation, that I'm lonely for companionship. And all for what.

Sigh. Not sure how to shake it. Hoping posting a bit will help. And time with the kids.

I'm gonna tell you what I told SL.



I heard a song earlier today.....the lyrics don't really relate but the title does - "I'm better as a memory than as your man"

Right now, as you well know, SCQ is better as a memory than as your wife.

Sounds like time for some yoga and a massage.

Fox

Ha Ha! Foxy yelled at you too!

Just ride it out.

Did that yesterday and still feel crummy today.

Being yelled at helps, though.