One of the things you might consider if you continue to hit dead ends is to go ahead and pay for a background check. I used intellius.com and got plenty of info on OW - from her neighbors to her kids to her family members with addresses and phone numbers. The cost wasn't exorbitant - I think it was around $40. It was well worth it to me to get access to that info.

I second the other opinions that contacting the OW is a futile effort in most cases. The OW (especially a young one) doesn't give a flip about you or your kids. She's only concerned with getting your WH away from you permanently and having what she wants. These people are selfish and you can't reason with them at all.

I contacted OW via email and really wish I hadn't. She never responded and I don't even know if she read the message or not. I didn't expect her to respond, but something inside me wanted her to and I was disappointed when she didn't. It kept me focused on something that didn't matter instead of helping me move on to repairing the damage to my M.

Ok, so you have the last name and the city they live in. Find out what county the city is in. Then do a google search for that county's property appraiser site. Then look up their name and see if they own property.

I did contact her ex boyfriend who just broke up with her and asked him to help me. I told him what she was doing. God, I really feel like a psycho. I just can't believe that he can say these things to me. It really does feel hopeless and he really does mean them. Obviously we can't have contact any time soon.

He wants nothing to do with me romantically and does NOT want to repair our marriage. He says that it has nothing to do with her. Is this the WS fog?

Is the XBF willing to help you out?

Remember that it seems like your WH means what he says but he doesn't really know what he means right now. He will say anything to keep the A going. He has rewritten your history and thinks he has had a lousy life. This will change when the A is over and when he gets through withdrawal. The things he says are hurtful, but just remember this really isn't your H. Don't take anything he says seriously. He is a mess right now so nothing he says really means anything. The things he's saying are typical wayward spouse words. They mean nothing.

The thing is: what if he really does mean all these things and it's not because of the affair? That's what I keep thinking.

Well, if he does really mean it then he will be the first WS I've heard of who did.

One of the things you can do is to do the best Plan A you can do. Work on becoming a better person and the wife you need to be. Do you know his top ENs? If so, meet every one of them that he will allow. Continue to work on yourself. If it turns out that the A ends (they almost always do) then you'll be ready for him to return. If the A doesn't end, then you'll know you did everything you could do to save your M. You'll also be a better person who will be able to move on to the next phase of your life. Many will tell you that there are no guarantees that this will save your M, but the chances are sure that if you do nothing your M will fail.

I probably didn't do a very good job of responding to your concerns. Hopefully one of the more experienced folks will come along and give you more direction.

I have no idea, but I hope that he will.

I guess I just wonder if he would be gone anyway if she hadn't stepped into the picture. But then I think, well he would have left a long time ago if he was so unhappy. Maybe?? I don't know.

Think of it this way - if there hadn't been an A and your H was unhappy, wouldn't you try to make changes to improve your M? Of course you would. So, since you do know that there's an A, develop your plan and go for it. If your WH is going to end the M no matter what, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by working on yourself.

Seriously, though, you really do need to not pay attention to the hurtful things he says. It is so hard to let them go, but it is the best thing to do. I listened to all the crap my WH said and it was definitely all crap. It hurt and it impaired my progress. Don't let that happen to you.

I guess I just need to figure out my Plan A gameplan. I know that for the moment, until I get out of my own temporarily insane phase, he and I don't need to speak. I've made a plan to go back to school (which starts in three weeks) and I need to get back to enjoying my pregnancy since this is probably my last one. I'm only enforcing the thought that I'm crazy when I act out of emotion.

With the Plan A: there aren't that many EN's that he will let me meet, at least at the moment. I'll do what I can, though.

What really got me when we talked though was when he said that when he came back for those few days that he wanted to kill himself. That being with me made him suicidal. That really, really hurt.

I just can't get the thought of the two of them out of my head. I know that it's irrational and I need to let it go, but it seems almost impossible. I don't know if it's my added hormones or what....

How did some of you other BS's get through this issue? How did you get through the first few weeks and learn to live again? This seems to be all I can think about and concentrate on.

Thinking about them together is normal. I still think about it. The way I got through it was to redirect my thoughts to something more productive - like my plan or things I needed to get done regarding getting into recovery. The other thing I did was to only allow myself a certain amount of time to think about A related things. I had to get certain things done, but it didn't have to take up all my time.

I tried to stay busy doing other things. This was very difficult, especially at first. I still have to keep myself occupied with unrelated thoughts and tasks. I was working when I found out and for the first 2 weeks after I confronted him. Then I lost my job and the job search took alot of my priority from there.

For me, it was a mind over matter thing. I had to force myself to get past it. This doesn't work for everybody.

I'm trying to force myself, but the thoughts come at the most unfortunate times.

I feel that reading all I can on here is doing some good. Also, journaling as been helping. I just have all these feelings that I want to say to my WH, but what's the point? It will only cause an argument and enforce the idea that what he is doing is right.

I agree its not a good idea to have any contact with the OW. My situation is similiar, the OW is around the same age. She is very immature. There were many times in the very beginning of the affair when I thought she would have guilt or compassion for my kids--wrong. Young OW are in their own world and will say and do things to hurt not only you but your kids through their selfishness. Its not fair but I have learned the hard way you can't control other people and in cases like ours, its best to stay away from these crazy people.

Your right. She is just going to milk it and act like "oh your crazy wife keeps harrassing me" and he will comfort her, which makes me sick.
I just have to go on. Hopefully, I will be able to contact her parents or her XBF will help me.

I just keep thinking about him telling me that being with me made him want to kill himself. Of course, this was during the time that he had supposedly come home to work things out, but he could have been going through withdrawals.
I know that she is leaving at the end of this week, sooner hopefully. I hope that her XBF is pissed, especially since they just broke up. I think they were planning on working at the same place and moving in together, before the broke up anyway. God, I've got to get this crap off of my mind!

That was a mean, cruel thing to say and I am sorry it hurt you so bad. Hopefully after the fog has lifted he will feel like a complete a$$ and let you know he really didn't mean it. From what I have read here WS can say some hurtful things when they are in the fog.

Keep taking care of yourself as best as you can. Keep working to find the phone number of the OW's parents, that is very important in exposure.

This is classic wayward fog babble, at least it was in my case. My FWH said he didn't care if he died. This was during the time he came back home and was saying he wanted to work on our marriage. He definitely was going through withdrawal and I can see all that now. It is hard to see it when you are in the middle of it.

I also obsessed with how bad our marriage was before the A and my H said OW had nothing to do with him leaving and that he left because he was miserable.

You've asked what you can do to get through this and stop obsessing. I don't have an answer to that, but I want you to know that being totally obsessed with it is normal. Just try to focus on what does make you feel good, for me that was my daughter. I knew that whatever happened I always had her and I had to be a good mom in case I ended up in a nasty divorce and custody battle. Focusing on taking care of myself and being a good mom was what got me through each day.

On a positive note, so much of what you write sounds like me and my H a little over a year ago. We have been together for the past year and our marriage is better than it was pre A.

Hang in there!

I just wanted to add that my FWH said some horrible things to me which he didn't even remember saying after the fog lifted. Now if only I could forget them.

My H has said he was suicidal at different times during his A, too. Recently it was so bad that I called a hotline to see what I could do to help him. I think they think about suicide because they're filled with guilt and at this point they don't know what to do. It's also possible they're just being dramatic.

The only thing I can tell you about this is that if he is still saying he wants to die, you should try to get him to seek help through counseling. I know this hurts you, but if he truly is showing current signs of being suicidal you shouldn't ignore it. Just remember that this isn't about you - it's about him and how he feels about what he's done. He may say that you're the cause, but that's just babble. Don't buy into it.

If he truly does need help and won't get it, there's not alot you can do about it. You can only control you.

One thing I might suggest is to set boundaries for what you'll tolerate from him and what you won't. If he says things that are hurtful, then walk away and don't hear anything else he has to say. If your discussions turn non-productive, let him know you'll only discuss a recovery plan and walk away if he doesn't get back on track. There's nothing wrong with telling him respectfully that you don't care to hear his ugly talk about how bad you are. This is a touchy one, though, because you must be sure he understands that you're willing to discuss a recovery plan respectfully and that you're willing to work on areas that need to be improved.

Well I keep finding out more and more about this stuff. Apparently my WH called in to work yesterday stating Family Issues so he could spend time with the OW. He was also playing around at work and is getting into trouble for that. He broke a garbage disposal, so who knows if he will even have a job.

We had a talk (the WH and myself) and he said that he wasn't going to have any contact with the OW (I finally got in touch with her parents) and he didn't want her to be ostracized by her family for a decision that he made that had nothing to do with her. He still states that he does not want to be with me and that he's done. I told him about these forums and how he seems to be going by the book and he says that all of this has nothing to do with him. He left because of me, not because of her. I don't know what to think. He still does not want to reconcile.

Haha on a light note though, I had on a low cut shirt and he kept staring at my cleavage! :-)