I kept hearing that one, too. "It's about us and she has nothing to do with it." That's BS. Your M may not have been perfect, but you could have a much easier time working on your issues if he weren't putting his energy into someone else. His A makes it impossible for you to recover your M. Until NC is established, there will be no recovery.

Don't let him bully you into not doing the things you need to do to stop his A. He will say he's not seeing her, but until you have proof, he's seeing her. His decision to have an A was his and her decision to participate was hers. So, she did have a say and she should be exposed for it. Do not let your WH call the shots here - you have the right and responsibility to stand up for your M.

They all say the same things. Every BS has heard these very same lines.

Also remember that he will lie to you about everything.

So, I should just do a really great Plan A for now? I wanted to argue with him when he was talking about our marriage and divorcing, but I held my tongue and told him that I understood and that it was his decision if that is what he wanted. Was that good?

God, I'm no good at holding stuff in LOL. I wanted to defend my marriage to no end, but I know that right now it doesn't make a difference.

My H insisted that he left because of me and not because of her. That is classic wayward talk.

As far as telling him about these forums, I would be careful about that. Don't try to educate him at this point.

Right now you need to focus on showing your WH how fantastic you are. Always look good when you see him. Always be the first to say good-bye on the phone. Keep busy and don't give him the details. Put the bait out there and get him to start chasing you. Don't talk about the OW. Talk about what you know you did wrong in the marriage and how you are sorry and show him how you are changing. When he says he never loved you, remind him of times when he was crazy in love with you.

Act like you did in the beginning or your relationship. Be his girlfriend!

This is what I would do. Go into survival mode. This is so hard - but put your feelings aside for at least part of your day so you can focus on what you need to be doing to stand up for your M.

Do you work outside your home? Is your WH already living somewhere else? What agreement do you have in place to pay your living expenses?

Complete your exposure. Contact everyone who can have any influence over your WH - your family, his family, pastor. How does he know this woman? If it's through his job, then contact the HR department at his company. What did OWs parents say? Did they offer help or blow you off? You can also still try to contact her XBF because he may still have some influence over her.

Do you have a way to start stashing some cash in a safe place? This may seem crazy, but you may need money later and if it's in a bank account you'll have to disclose it. If you have some cash stashed in a safe place outside your home, this can be a safety net for you. Can you get cash back when you buy groceries that will be untraceable? I have cash stashed in a safe deposit box. You could keep it at the home of someone you trust if you don't want to get a safe deposit box.

Have you started gathering your proof? If not, start getting every piece of data that proves his A and stash this with your cash. This would be a log book including his comings and goings, phone records, bank statements, notes about your conversations. Anything that is related to his A should be documented and kept in a safe place.

What about your finances? Do you have a joint account? Start keeping up with all your money and where it goes.

This may sound extreme and like you're really not wishing to save your M, but while you're trying to stop his A and get him back on board, you've got to protect your finances and yourself. Getting these things in place will also help you feel in control and give you something to do to occupy your time.

----Now all this being said about protecting yourself, is in addition to your fabulous Plan A. The protecting yourself is done covertly without his knowledge. It's only your safety net. Your goal is to save your M, but if you put together a safety net in case you do end up in D you won't find yourself in as big a mess as you could if you didn't take these actions.

Great plan! Blah, of course when he stopped by unexpectedly today I looked like crap. But I did apologize for the things that I've done wrong and I said that I didn't want that kind of relationship for us anymore, I wanted an even better one. He was, of course, skeptical and said it would never happen. I was laughing about the cleavage eyeballing though...maybe he isn't as immune as he thought or maybe he was trying to distract me.

God, I don't even remember how to be a girlfriend anymore LOL

He is living at his parents for now. I suppose the OW's parents told her that they weren't going for the married man thing. I spoke with her father and he apologized and said that they would speak with her. Not long after that he came over here saying all of that stuff, so who knows what they said.

Right now I'm not working, but I'm looking for work. I receive child support for my oldest two which would allow me to pay the rent and utilities and that is about it. We don't have a joint account, I just have one in my name. The utilities are in his name as is the cable, phone, and internet. At the moment, I don't have the money to change them.

The XBF was great! He really helped out and was very understanding. He says she is a great liar and that my H isn't the first guy she's worked with that she's had a fling with. Sometimes my WH is so stupid....I know that isn't nice, but goodness, couldn't he have found someone better?

Do you have access to his account? Can you make copies of his statements in case you need them? What about his credit card statements?

I've heard many stories about how the WS steps down to choose their AP. My WH chose a woman who has been married 4 times, never married the father of the child she has, has been sued 4-5 times in the last 3 years for not paying her bills, has been fired from at least 3 jobs, had her trailer foreclosed on (though she was able to work that out and keep it some way), is basically the town wh*** in the little podunk S Georgia town she lives in. People in that area knew he was involved with her and warned him to get away from her, but he didn't. He recently told me she had to sell her car before the bank took it back, but I'm not sure that's true. I think he thought I'd feel sorry for her if that happened to her. I don't feel sorry for her at all.

So, again, your WH is fitting a mold by choosing a loser to have an A with.

Haha I think it's finally starting to sink into my head (I knew the whole time, but I'm rather stubborn and hardheaded) that our situation isn't new. It's been done over and over and over again. Every time he has cheated has been with someone less attractive, less articulate, and kind of stupid. I don't get it. He did say that he has NOT been a good husband to me and that one of the reasons why is because he was so unhappy. Well, he could have made everyone a lot happier if he had bucked up and got with the program! Everyone gets unhappy in their marriage, but they don't leave when the going gets tough! He has left twice before, both times for less than a week (to think he said) but I think that both times there was another woman.

I just don't know if I have it in me to save the marriage on my own this time. The other times he came home on his own, but this time...I really have to work at it. I don't know if I have the heart. Knowing that he is sleeping alone at night at his parents house (if he does) will make me feel better, but I just don't know.

heh heh, gotta love those pregnancy boobs. Maybe buying some new shirts could be part of your plan A....

Great job on exposing to OW's parents. I am sure they are so proud

Now your WH is going to be po'ed big time for a little while. Hold on tight, hopefully when the fog clears he will start to come around.

He has nothing. Everything we have is because I worked my [censored] off to get it. Excuse the language. For three years he sat here and didn't work. I mean he had it made! He played video games all the time and could do whatever he wanted to basically. But, I guess I wasn't exciting or new enough (not to mention willing to put up with his BS) to keep him interested.

Well, then I'd be sure to document all the not working on his part and all you've done to provide for your family. You also might consider seeing a lawyer to see what you need to do to not leave yourself in a bind if you do end up in D. Again, this isn't to say that D is the next step but you need to make sure you're prepared for as much as you can be. This is all very painful, but it helped me alot to know that I was prepared to handle anything that came next.

What do his parents say about his As and the fact that he has left you? Do you have support from your own family?

His parents are very disappointed in him and his mother does not condone or agree with anything that he is doing. His dad, well I don't know. He says that he feels that my H will want to come back and that this thing with the OW is an "oopsie" he called it. But, my H is his only child, so I know he will do for him what he can. However, if he continues on this path of not going to work and not getting back in school, etc, etc, they WILL NOT put up with it and he will be out on his own. They have been very supportive of me and the girls, matter of fact we are going to a Mother's Day dinner with them on Sunday.

My family has been wonderful! I've talked to my mom for hours and my dad has told me that if I need anything to just ask, he will give it to me. My parents are divorced and it really had an effect on me. I've never really known my dad and we aren't close, though I've always wished we could be. I don't want my children to feel the same. I bought the book Second Chances and I've asked my H to read it, because he thinks the kids will be okay if we divorce, no big deal.

I get the feeling that my in-laws might be upset with me, I don't know. I've called them today and let them know EVERYTHING that is going on and I guess they had it out with my H. I spoke with his mom for a moment and she said they were mentally exhausted and didn't sound happy with me. I hate getting them into the middle of this, but they need to know these things also. I think I might distance myself from them until Sunday.

I hope that he does cease contact with her, but I don't know. I just want my husband back and I don't know if I will ever get that. He says that he hasn't been happy since before he even met the OW and that he has been repressing his feelings for a very long time. That he hasn't been in love with me for a long time. He says that when he came home for those nights he was only saying the beautiful things he said because he was trying to convince himself. I told him that I felt cherished that night, that I felt completely loved for the first time in a long time and he said none of it was true. He said that he doesn't want to lose contact with me because that would hurt him but he can't be with me romantically. *sigh* WS's are CRAZY!

Well my WH was at his parent's house when the kids got dropped off from school, which is rare. I wonder how long this is going to last?

Ok well, I attempted Plan A today. I dropped our youngest off with him while I took the other two to gymnastics class. I made sure that I looked nice and smelled really, really good
I told him thank you for keeping her, blah, blah, blah. I also called to ask him if he would put new windshield wipers on my vehicle (mine had a piece of the rubber strip coming off) and he agreed to do this. He had no problems with it and I thanked him profusely. He got kind of close to me while handing some stuff, but he moved quickly away before I could hug him (which I was going to attempt to do after thanking him for putting on the wipers). So, no physical contact, but he did look at me a lot. I know that I shouldn't expect anything and I don't.

He's all sad and depressed acting (maybe going through withdrawals, I dunno?). I just have to keep on keeping on. I think it will be easier for me to heal knowing that he is sleeping alone also. He may still be in contact with her, but at least he isn't sleeping at her house.

I know you must be hurt, trust me, I have been there. My`best friend's husband left her while she was pregnant too. He did not provide any support for her or their 3 year old either. He took the car from her & gave it to his girlfriend...He was a TOTAL jerk!

And your husband sounds like an even bigger jerk & loser. You sound better off without him. He has disrespected you in the worse way and seems content to pour salt into your wounds. He has cheated on you how many times before? Cut your loses and RUN...He has no respect for you. He has cheated and does not appear to be remorseful; which means that he has not learned and if you get back with him, he will do it again. I know that you probably don't want to hear this but you need to start thinking about yourself & your own peace of mind. Do you want to always worry about who your husband may be sleeping with? That is not healthy and it will begin to wear on you mentally, if it hasn't already.

My best friend went thru her emotional turmoil. She wanted him back after he cheated on her at least 4 times in their marriage. He did not come back...and now when she looks back, she realizes that it was the best decision that he could have made.

Since her ex left her, he has continued to make babies with other women and is even broker than the day he left her. But she has prospered. She worked on herself emotionally. She focused on herself & her children. She focused on her career. She now has a good job with the Federal Government & is pursuing her Bachelors Degree. She is also remarried to a man that LOVES her, RESPECTS her, and is FAITHFUL to her. She did not block her blessing and God sent her a REAL man after she was divorced from the LITTLE BOY. My best friend's ex has at least 6 children with at least 4 different women & has been divorced twice.

I know that my comment will bring some negative remarks but here it goes...Let the OW have him. She does not appear to be getting too much. He seems to be disrespectful and selfish. And, he will eventually tire of her or she of him. They will cheat on one another because neither of them appear to have any morals.

I am all for saving marriage but it takes two to make it work. Your H does not CARE about you or your marriage.

Stop placing your energy in him & the STUPID childish OW. Instead direct your energy in improving yours and your children's lives without him. In the end, you will be glad that you did.

"Blah, of course when he stopped by unexpectedly today I looked like crap."

You MUST get on over to the Goddess thread and read it from the very start!

I wonder if your husband is depressed - the not working for 3 years and sitting playing video games sounds like it could be depression.

Oh yeah he definitely was, is, whatever. He will NOT take any medication for it, however, and that is a bad thing.

Heading over to check out the goddess thread :-)

Men are so strange. I can't figure out why they REFUSE to take medication that will help them.

My ex was depressed for months before the affair. I talked to him about it, and told him I was afraid he might make bad choices. He said he wouldn't even consider seeing a doctor.

Instead he messed up our whole lives.

Wow, I just talked to one of my WH's really good friends that he went to high school with and has known for years. He had NO IDEA what was going on. He was like....WTF? It's amazing. His lifelong friends have no idea what the heck he is doing.