I know exactly what you mean. My WH is suppose to take ADD medication and antidepressants, but no, he is too "manly" or whatever to take them. It's crazy.

Well he stayed at his parents all night. They only live a couple blocks away and crazy me when out to see if he was there. That is a plus. Poor baby is sad now that he's the one who is sleeping alone too.

Last night our DD5 called him before she went to bed and said, "Dad, I miss you and I love you and I want to sleep in bed with you and Momma". No, I did NOT put her up to that and I was just as surprised as he was. He asked to speak with me and said, "what was the purpose of that?" as if I made her do it. His voice did sound rather funny, though. Poor DD5 misses her daddy so much, they hung out together daily from her birth and did a lot of stuff together.

You are not crazy, you are smart. You are doing everything you can to protect your marriage and finding out where he was staying is a part of that.

Thanks, suamico. I feel like a complete psycho for "checking up" on him, he's a grown man. And, I know how he would turn it around if he found out and tell me how crazy I am. I really think that OW was throwing his some bulls#$t because some of the stuff that has come out of his mouth is total chick-speak. For example: We were too young and not emotionally ready to take care of each other's hearts.
What guy says that? I know that my husband does not use the phrase "take care of each other's hearts". Hell, I wouldn't even say that. *sigh* I just want her outta here ASAP. Maybe he will start thinking of his family and me instead.

I wouldn't say that either. An immature high school girl might, or a VERY immature young woman.

Well, this could be a good thing, I'm not sure. I don't want to misinterpret anything that is happening. I'm too overly analytical on things as it is. Anyway, he just called and his first question was, "What's up?" Surprise, surprise, you could have knocked me over with a feather! He hasn't called to say that since he left.

I told him what was going on and asked him the same and he let me know that he was out looking for another job, closer to home. When I told him that I had an application there at the same place, he was like, "Ohhh. I see". Which means he is probably going to be turning around and not put one in.

Last night I asked him to talk to our DD12 as she was being disrespectful, rude, you name it. He said last night that what he said would probably make no difference, because of the way that things went down with him and her. She knows that there is another woman and that he was staying with her. Today, however, he asked if she acted any better after he spoke with her. I assured him that she did (which she did) and he seemed pleasantly surprised. I thanked him again for speaking with her and he kind of blew it off (my way of Plan A'ing....I want him to know that I appreciate stuff like that still), but still I feel inside that he was surprised and maybe a little pleased that I thanked him.

He talked about work some and then we got off the phone. All in all, I feel that it was an okay conversation. Not one that we would have had while together, but not bad. I stayed nice and cheery and he didn't have anything horrid to say. However, I'm not getting my hopes up. He's probably just being nice so that when we file for D the kids won't be so screwed up. Who knows?

Sounds like progress.

OT, but have you ever seen the newsletter called Daughters? You can sign up for it at www.daughters.com; they also have an online forum, sections for dads and their daugthers, stuff like that. I have found it invaluable for raising an adolescent girl. I even sit and read it with my D17 sometimes, as it gives us an opportunity to discuss the problems and solutions presented in it that may or may not be occurring in her own life, but would never bring up with me on her own. Great stuff. For both you AND your H to read.

That sounds like a great start. As for the job application this may be an opening for dialog. Maybe you could call him and say something like “I hope you still applied to XYZ company. We don’t know what will happen so we both should give it a try. Then if one of us gets the job the other can just pull their application."

Asking him to help with your daughter is a great idea. If you pump him up it will make him feel better about himself AND make you look more attractive to him. Keep it up, you are doing great.

Thanks, suamico! More news!

The WH called me for no reason that I could discern. He talked about work (he got written up for being silly with the OW, who no longer works there as of the 5th) and how he wanted to get another job because he didn't like this one. He had found another one, but it paid less and he didn't want that. I told him that he would end up paying less for gas, which would work out. He's not happy with that job at the moment because the OW isn't there and because his boss is one of my best friend's mom. LOL, so I get lots o' information about him. He's not happy with the "circle of information" he says. But, then he doubles back and says that he guesses its like that everywhere. Hmmm....I'm still wondering why he called me. Maybe since he has decided on NC with the OW (which I'm still holding my breath about) he doesn't have anyone else to talk about this stuff with.

My mom asked, "doesn't it make you angry that he only calls you when he can't talk to her?" No, it really doesn't. At least he is calling me to tell me these things or to get my opinion, whatever. At least it feels right. I made sure to agree with him and tell him I understood and I do. It seems like a good thing.

Oh and I sent him a text before he would have gotten to work telling him what I would do to him if he was here. Sex would DEFINITELY be the #1 on his EN's. Do you guys think that was inappropriate?

I'll check out that website catperson, thanks!!!

Another update....wow. Three good conversations with my WH today so far! We spoke on the phone about DD5 and DD10. DD10 had a little call her a backstabbing B^%&h today and I wanted his advice on how to handle this (I didn't really need it, but you know ). I also told him about DD10 saying that the way she was getting through this was not thinking about it. She said that whenever she thought about her dad not being at the house, she would change her mind. He wasn't very happy to hear that. I got a very grumpy "Hmmph" from him. Repression is never a good thing.

BUT, he was at work (and not going to the OW's house though she lives right down the road) on his lunch break and that made me feel better. He received a phone call at work while we were talking and I waited while he took it. He told me as soon as he got back on the phone who had called, though I didn't ask him. It was the insurance guy and (sorry to anyone who works in the insurance dept) we laughed about how he had a speech impediment and how most insurance salesmen are kind of dorky. LOL, not nice I know, but it was good to laugh with him.

I really don't see any changes on the coming home and reconciling part, but at least things are kind of nice right now. I told him that we were going to a Mother's Day dinner with his parents and he said that he knew. Should I invite him to go along? I'm sure the girls would really, really enjoy us doing something together.

Also, give me some feedback on that text. I'm worried that it might have been overkill!!!

Ayane,

You are doing fine. Stay on your Plan A, and do everything you can to avoid LB and DJ.

Do not give him any ammunition to take back to the OW and say, "my wife is being mean or bit&*y" or anything like that. Be sure that if you need to vent, you vent here.

Don't tell him the name of this website.

Do try to get access to and read his emails and text messages on his phone if you can do it without his finding out. You will be able to know if he is really not contacting the OW or if he is gaslighting you - right now, though, it sounds like he is being pretty nice and that usually indicates he isn't talking to her. Watch closely though, because they often just go further underground and can be very secretive.

Read up on the "Notable Posts" thread here - you need to look for the post that talks about the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. It will help you do a good job of responding to him when your kids say things to him about his behavior and he finds himself stuck having to pay the consequences of his affair.

Do not believe for one single minute that this is not a physical affair, until the entire and full story is out. This is still very early in the discovery phase, and he is still wayward. Because he is not yet in the truth-telling phase, and this can take awhile, you may very well be in for the sad truth that he has had sex with her but he isn't ready to talk about it.

Don't let the fact that he says things like "I haven't been happy for a long time" get to you. He has the wayward spouse workbook at home, and he practices the script every night in preparation for talking to you. Somewhere they are selling these things online and the person who publishes it is making a fortune! When he says something that sounds stupid, it IS STUPID. Remember that.

Just look at him and smile sweetly and tell him, "I guess I didn't understand that back when we were making mad passionate love that time at ________. Remember that? It was absolutely fantastic. You are such a great lover." Then heave a huge sigh of ecstasy, look off into the distance, and get a dreamy look in your eyes! (You fill in the blank - Pick the most exotic place the two of you ever made love.) It just takes the air right out of that "we never had a great relationship...we never were in love...we never had great sex...we never....whatever....." crappola.


You sound like you are making cracks in his armor. Keep your spirits up and your eyes on what you want - a stronger marriage. When he comes around, and he will, be sure that you stick with your plan

that this time, the marriage only goes forward with the affair-proofing in place.

That means BOTH of you are on board with the Marriage Builders plan.

You and he will both need to work. You are ahead of him on the track, and that's good.

SB

Oh this is so true. Never again will I let him come home without setting up boundries and terms. I won't try to pretend that everything is okay and nothing ever happened. Of course, I don't know if he ever will come home again, but I do have a sliver of hope. It's that sliver that keeps me going.

I do have to admit, though, that I am scared of what will happen if he comes home. Am I strong enough to keep to the terms? Things would be tense and weird at first. I want him back home badly, but would it work again? These are the thoughts that are going through my mind. I wonder what is going through his?

I have sensed that BS's have a tendency to freak out when it comes to getting their WS back. As in, they become...afraid...that their WS will decide they are not good enough. PLEASE do not do that to yourself. HE is the one who strayed, the one who owes YOU an apology. PLEASE don't go down that road of thinking you have to make up for something. You may have contributed to his unhappiness, but you DIDN'T have the affair. Remember that and stay strong and proud of yourself for what you have gone through.

I have to admit that I am kind of afraid that even when he is out of the fog (if he is) that he STILL won't want me. That my love is just not enough. It sucks and I know it's stupid and irrational, but I can't stop the thoughts and feelings.

Thank you catperson for the pep talk. I know that you are right and this is one of the things that I need to work on right now. Insecurity!!

I just wish I could stop thinking about kissing my WH, touching him, cuddling at night....you know, the little things that we take for granted daily that we might never be able to do again. I miss watching Family Guy in bed at night and even falling asleep to his video games. Just the small things.....

What you need to work on is having a good life for you and your children, whether he comes back or not. I'm sure he will, but if you have a nice life, you won't feel so much like just taking him back with no conditions.

You are doing a good Plan A. Please don't get your hopes up just yet though.

I know and I don't want to, but if I don't have that tiny bit of hope, then I think, what's the point? You know?

On a light/funny note: the OW's xBF, who helped with all of this, has asked me if I would like to "get even with them". LOL, this involves, use of a digital camera and intimate time with him. I was flattered, but I had to decline. I told him that I wasn't the sort of woman who could turn her feelings on and off (though it would be easier for me!) and I love the stupid jerk, even though he makes bad decisions. LOL, I hope I didn't hurt xBF's feelings too bad

I slept well last night...probably the best sleep that I've had since this whole mess began. Also, this sitch wasn't the first thing I thought of when I did wake up. LOL, it was a very, very close second, but it wasn't the first (thank you baby laying on my bladder!).
Watching Grey's Anatomy last night was a killer for me though. It was all about kisses and stupid me text messaged my WH telling him how much I wanted to kiss him among other things. Gosh, I'm like a drunk dialer when I'm upset! I need to place my phone in a glass box with "Open for Emergencies Only!" on the outside of it. Of course I didn't hear anything from him. I never do when I send these types of messages. Who knows if he even reads them.
He was at his parents all night again last night, which makes me happy. Of course, I have no idea what he is doing with his phone so he's probably in contact with the OW, but I know that I can't worry about that. She is definitely leaving today (I got this from her pops) so that is another plus. Maybe he will snap out of this fog in the near future. I would love to give my only son his father for his day of birth.

Well, I just spoke to my WH again. The conversation started off great, we were talking about him hanging out with some of his friends and laughing about stuff. I was like, yeah! But, it took a nosedive not long after. He also stated that his mother is harping on him and thinking of kicking him out because he is not going to school or doing anything productive. We talked about school and all that, which I thought was a good thing, but....
Apparently, the OW called him to let him know that her mom is disowning her and doesn't want her to live with them because of what she has done. My WH said, "she is not the reason that I left you, why did you tell her family that?" I never told her family that! And, if she wasn't the reason he left, why didn't he leave before her if he was as unhappy as he said he had been for awhile. It just makes me angry that he is upset for her because of this but could care less about comforting me.
Also, he made a comment about the texts that I have sent him. He said that he can't do that anymore, even though he would love to (I think this was just to make me feel better). That hurt because he doesn't even want to touch me anymore.

I should just give up and say forget it. I can't make him love me and I don't think he ever will again. I might as well get it through my head that we are DONE. That is all that I can do. It hurts and it hurts bad, which I'm sure you guys know. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but what can I do?