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Basically I used the letter in the book SAA. I said i love him but cannot/will not have a relationship with him as long as the other woman is in the picture. I said it is too hurtful etc. Short and sweet. He did not answer back or try to contact me. This was yesterday.

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Everyday is getting easier. I think because for the first time I'm not sure if I want him back. I do however know that I want a man who loves me, cares for me, and takes care of me. He used to do that until the affair. He still cares for me(financially) but not emotionally. I think I'm ready to let someone in my life.

I still love my husband but I don't think he is strong enough to fix this. I don't think he is capable of making a decision on our marriage. If the other woman wants him she can have him. I'm not fighting for him anymore. He's not worth fighting for. My husband was..not this man that he's become.

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Originally Posted by puppylove10
Everyday is getting easier. I think because for the first time I'm not sure if I want him back. I do however know that I want a man who loves me, cares for me, and takes care of me. He used to do that until the affair. He still cares for me(financially) but not emotionally. I think I'm ready to let someone in my life.

I still love my husband but I don't think he is strong enough to fix this. I don't think he is capable of making a decision on our marriage. If the other woman wants him she can have him. I'm not fighting for him anymore. He's not worth fighting for. My husband was..not this man that he's become.

Puppylove,
You do not need to make any hasty decisions here. I think your feelings now are pretty normal. I've seen many Plan B implementations here and it almost always results in peace and strength for the BS. While your current WH may not be worth fighting for, do you think he can become the man he once was? Would HE be worth fighting for? I think you should give Plan B a little time to work to see if it can bring about the changes in your husband that Plan A couldn't.

Also, I am a bit concerned that you said you are ready to let someone in to your life. Do you mean that you are ready to find a new man? I would caution you not to start dating or even looking really until your divorce is final, if you decide to go that route. Any man worth having will respect that decision and wait for you to be a legally and spiritually free woman.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Thanks for your reply. I guess I'm just having the Plan B blues. It's still new to me. I don't know if my husband can be the man he was. If so then I could fight for him. No I'm not ready to let a man into my life but the website always talks about meeting our needs.

My husband hasn't met my needs in years. Why then could I not find someone who will. What about my needs. Am I supposed to stay in limbo for another year while he gets his needs met and I don't. While he's in fantasy land and I have to put my life on hold until he comes out of this stupid fog!!!And I don't mean put my life on hold as far as caring about myself and kids. I mean by finding someone who wants to pay attention to me. Wants to be around me. etc. Someone who doesn't have all this emotional stuff going on. Someone who is whole and knows the value of a good woman.

I know I sound bitter. I am. I feel like I'm in a different place now. Before I KNEW we could make it. Now I don't know. Now I'm not sure if I want to. Maybe I'm in a good place. Maybe I'm where I need to be to get over this. Maybe my husbnad might sense that he is truly losing me. Maybe not. Maybe he won't even notice. All I know is I feel different.

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Puppy -take care of yourself. Work on you. If he decides to leave a woman who has been faithful and met his needs.... but you are early in plan B. It can be very, very effective.

But YOU can control how you feel. If you talk to God - then give it all to Him and know that He is in control. Knowing that God is in charge of it will give you a lot of peace about things right now.

far


foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)

I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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I will work on me. This is just the beginning.

It still drives me crazy that the other woman still believes my husband isn't lieing to her. Where does she come off thinking she's so wonderful that he wouldn't lie to her? I know he didn't tell her he called me so many times when they were on their cruise. And in case she's reading this...he didn't just talk to the kids dummy!!!!!

When I was with my husband and he wanted to check his phone messages he used to say he had to go to the bathroom. Doesn't she get suspicious? Especially since he left her once to come back home!!

By the way I know he would check his messages in the bathroom because I would write down date and time he went then when the cell phone bill came in I could reference the date and time and see while he was in the bathroom he checked his messages!!!!

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Andrew-
Thanks for your reply. I just get confused as to why my husband seems to change his mind almost everyday. Why does he lie to me and the other woman.

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you don't seem to grasp that he lies to both of you because he wants to keep both of you in his life. he lies to her so she won't leave and to you so you won't pursue leaving. you and ow are his back up plans. if he loses one of you, then the other one will be there for him.

if he ditches ow to come home to you and things don't work out, then he is left with no one. and vice versa.

get it?

it is really as simple as that for a wayward.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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He did dump her to come home but only stayed about 4 months. Then broke NC and moved out again. I read somewhere that when the WS moves out again to relieve the symptoms of withdrawal that it only lasts a while then the depression comes back with a vengence. Do you believe this is true. I can't help but feel like I got dumped and he is now living the life he wants. I feel like I'm the back up plan. Are the BS usually the back up plans or is it really the OP? In some ways I feel like my husband knows deep down that the affair won't or can't go anywhere. He wants said to me "if there wasn't something between us we would have been done long time ago" something is still keeping us together.

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well, until you do a very dark Plan B he has no reason whatsoever to stop having his affair.

if Plan B does nothing then you have your answer.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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change his mind almost everyday. Why does he lie to me and the other women

That is a wayword. They lie and I believe they actually try to convince themself that its true. Also at least in my case they reinvent their lives. For justification for their actions. So they don't feel guilty about the pain and hurt they have caused.

Just stay strong and do NOT beleive what he says to you. All of your emotions are normal. I truly am sorry what he is putting you through.

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I'm in Plan B right now. Just the beginning. I still have a lot of questions. I guess I'm looking for a little reassurance. I think it would make the first weeks of Plan B easier. I do keep telling myself if I call him I'm helping her.

My husband says that I confuse him. That one day I'm OK the next day I want nothing to do with him. I gave him the letter, it's clear that I love him and want to work things out but not under these conditions.

I dont know that if I go dark that he will assume that I'm through even though the letter states that Im not.

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Originally Posted by puppylove10
I dont know that if I go dark that he will assume that I'm through even though the letter states that Im not.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. You cannot control what he thinks. All you can do is say "I won't live in this hurtful, emotionally draining situation any longer. I'm willing to work on recovering our marriages, but only when you meet this conditions...". You could lay it out so clearly and simply that a 3rd grader would understand you, and your WH may still convince himself that you are done with him.

This may be because he cannot work up the guts to face the damage he has done to you. Who knows? The best thing you can do for yourself is understand that you have taken a positive step for yourself. It is the first step on the road to healing yourself and becoming a stronger, more independent woman. Your husband may or may not choose to join you on that path. Thats his choice, or maybe I should say, his loss.

But your choice to go to Plan B is a choice to operate out of a sense of worth and self respect.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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Now just living and loving again.
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Originally Posted by puppylove10
My husband says that I confuse him. That one day I'm OK the next day I want nothing to do with him. I gave him the letter, it's clear that I love him and want to work things out but not under these conditions.

When did he say this? I hope you are not talking to him directly, as that defeats the purpose of Plan B. From here on out, you need to be consistent in the front you put up. Even if you love him and want him back, you cannot backslide. You must cling to the knowledge that you will not accept him back while he is in the affair with the other woman.


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Puppy,

I've been where you are. I confused my WH just like you have done. I did the Plan B letter, then didn't stick to the conditions. My WH looked at the PBL as a Dear John letter. I told him in the letter and in several emails that there was to be NO contact with OW. He just didn't get it. Continued to lie and sneak around to be with her. I allowed it because I didn't do Plan B right the first time. Thought we were different because he kept coming back begging and pleading.

It led to our last encounter. I found out that he was still seeing her and I blew up, called him a few choice names, and told him to communicate with me only through my atty.

That was 9 months ago and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

What happens when you don't stick to your PBL and your boundaries is that they continue to cake eat. They want both. They'll do ANYTHING to have both. It only results in you getting frustrated and angry. And like in my case you eventually love bust.

I did Plan B for the wrong reasons too. I wanted it to bring him back. I did it before I was ready to protect me.

I know that you think he is different, your sitch is different, your M is different, whatever, but trust me, it is not. I've seen it time and time again here, and all affairs are the same.

Anyway, do Plan B to protect you. You have to be ready to let them go when you do it, and not expect anything.

Stay dark. Don't let him continue to hurt you.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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I'm in Plan B but still have questions about it. If husband takes the letter the wrong way, why would he try to return if he thinks I'm through? Won't he just be angry and say that's why he didn't want me after all? I guess Plan A seems more natural because you're showing them you want to be with them. Plan B just seemed to make my husband angry. I feel like I have to go back and say something nice or he will just write me and our marriage off. What is the plan supposed to do. I know about removing me from the pain etc from the spouses behavior. Any wayward spouses here to help explain what went through your head during Plan B?

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Also first time husband moved out he was clearly cake eating. We had contact (dinners,intimacy) but second time he does not seem to want me at all (except before his cruise). Why different the second time around? Is he really through with me and doesn't want to "cheat" on her or is he afraid that I might tell the other woman if he did try to come around or approach me with sex. Why the change the second time? Is that a bad sign?

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Originally Posted by puppylove10
Also first time husband moved out he was clearly cake eating. We had contact (dinners,intimacy) but second time he does not seem to want me at all (except before his cruise). Why different the second time around? Is he really through with me and doesn't want to "cheat" on her or is he afraid that I might tell the other woman if he did try to come around or approach me with sex. Why the change the second time? Is that a bad sign?

Puppylove,
You seem fixated on trying to logically dissect something that inherently follows no logic. You are only setting yourself up for long, sleepless nights. One goal of Plan B is to remove yourself from this thinking so you can end the stress you are feeling, not perpetuate it.

You cannot make your husband see reason and you cannot make him understand the goal of the Plan B letter, no matter how clearly you write it. Some people will simply use anything to rationalize/justify their own behavior, or to avoid the difficult path of integrity and honor. If he isn't ready to put in the effort to regain YOUR trust, then he is going to use the Plan B letter to tell himself that YOU left HIM. Because that way, he doesn't have to admit to himself thats its his own cowardice that ended his marriage.

All you can do is clearly state that you are done sharing him with another woman, and when he is ready to work towards an exclusive, monogamous marriage with you, he can get that message to you. Then you stick to it.

Also, please don't even consider sleeping with this man again before he presents you with a full battery of STD test results. We have posters on this board who have contracted incurable STDs from the Wayward Spouse. Not only does it flagrantly violate Plan B, but you put yourself at risk for a life-threatening disease.


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Now just living and loving again.
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I was in Plan B but because of of an incident with my child I had communications with my WH. Limited communication but communication. Sorry I messed up.

I'm in Plan B again but my WH said something strange during that talk we had. After a couple of conversations about 3 months ago about him thinking he MIGHT want a divorce, if he was mad he DID want a divorce, only to follow up with the last one (last week during our short exchange) let's take some time before we do anything, we've both had a really bad week. (meaning last week).

Briefly, the broken Plan B was because I found out he tried to take my children around the OW and say she was a friend. I lost it and said that he will not take my kids around other woman and if he did I would tell them who she is in a minute. (I will) I was so angry I was the one ready to divorce him. He knew I was serious..you can mess with me but don't f*** with my kids. (sorry for that but that is exactly how i feel)

That's when he said let's take some time before we do anything. (I am assuming he's talking about attys and divorce..as I was ready to get one that day!) I said I can't force him to come home that he needs to be emotionally ready, and be willing to give up the affair. I also stated that I had told him before that we could move away and start over, that I was willing but he had to break the affair first. I suggested he see a counselor.

We talked a while and we both agreed this whole thing has taken a toll on both of us and agreed to see counselors to help. He said he couldn't sleep or work all week. I'm not sure if he will see one but is just trying to appease me. Any input from anyone one would be appreciated.

I'm not sure if the incident scared him or if he is trying to buy more time again thinking he will know what he wants in a few months. He was really shaken by the whole incident.

So, what do you guys think? Trying to buy time (he was a big time cake eater for a long time). Or do you think that incident may have scared him a bit (reality)!! And as far as I go back to Plan B. (P.S. He did not try to break my Plan B, it was me saying not to take the kids around OW.

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Plan B means no contact. You need an intermediary. Even though the conversation started with the kids, it went on (as they always do) to the relationship.

Now he has a puppylove fix, and will have a much nicer week.

And now YOU are starting to wonder what everything he said meant.

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