Ayanne,
Your conversation with your WH took a nose dive because he had contact from OW. Do not let this get you down, do not let it stop you from being the best you can be.

My FWH still says he did not leave me because of the OW but that he left because our marriage was so bad. Well our marriage did suck, so there was some truth in that, but the other part of the truth is that if he didn't have a chick encouraging him he probably wouldn't have left. Do not even argue this with your WH, try to let it go in one ear and out other. Try not to talk about her at all. Do not bring her up. Try to think of her is insignificant. Focus on being your best and on how you can improve your marriage. This is how I got through it when I was where you are.

Your WH will defend her at this point, that is normal. My FWH even told me that he felt like he was cheating on OW when I touched him.

Do I have this part right OW was moving home to her parents but now they don't want her there? If this is true then her parents are people with morals and if I was you I would try calling her parents again and tell them that their daughter moving home would help give you and your WH a chance at saving your marriage.

Do not give up! You are doing great! I was where you are a little over a year ago and I remember how it feels. But you need to be strong for your kids and for you and for your WH, he is weak right now.

Just remember it's not really your husband talking right now. It's an alien in his body, as someone here has said. Some day, he will emerge and be himself again, but for now, nothing he says is the truth, and he will likely be appalled years from now to realize what he's saying today. It's not about you.

Well she told him the sob story that her parents don't want her there. BUT, I got the real story from her xBF. Her parents have told her that they are letting her move back in but if she has anything to do with my WH then they will kick her out and disown her. They are moving her stuff today, so that makes me feel better. I spoke with one of my friends and we have agreed that this girl was the catalyst. Yeah we had problems in our marriage, but he was talking about adopting my two oldest girls just a couple of weeks before he left. He reasoning for this was, "I didn't think that s*@t would go down". So, basically, he would have dealt with things and we would have fixed our marriage if he didn't have some girl behind him telling him to leave a.k.a. backup plan.

WS's are crazy!!

Another not so great conversation with the WH. They were great yesterday and today they suck! Anyway, he was upset because I told him about 30-45 minutes after this place called him for a job interview. The reason I called so long after is because I was there interviewing for the position. Of course, I didn't tell him that. I did tell him that it would be awkward for us to work together and he said that he wasn't going to not work there just because I did. He said (and I quote), "you'll only be able to work there until your baby is born, then you'll be doing the taking care of baby stuff, so you won't be there that long". WTF? It's as if he had nothing to do with making this child, I just became pregnant because I wanted to. That crap hurts! I mean, he seems to love the girls so much (even the two that aren't his) but he feels nothing for the one that I'm carrying right now! His firstborn son. *sigh*

Good get OW out of there! She is young and will hopefully find a new guy near her when she moves.

Your conversations today suck because he had contact with OW. It has nothing to do with you waiting 30 minutes to tell him about the interview. This is how it will be until there is NC.

I know the crap he says hurts, trust me I know, I still feel the pain from the things my FWH said to me. He went as far as to say that he never loved me like he loved OW, then a few months into our recovery I freaked out and yelled at him and asked him if he still loved her more than me. Guess what he looked completely surprised because he did not even remember saying that and he told me then that he never loved her. A few months after that I got upset again and asked him if he still thought about her, he said he never wanted to think about that stupid b**** again. So he went from loving her, to never having loved her, to thinking she was a stupid b**** in only a few months time. I am telling you this because I want you to see how messed up waywards think.

Another thing my WH said when he was wanting to come home but was still with OW was that his head felt like it was in a blender. So rest assured you are not the only one with crazy thoughts filling your head, waywards feel crazy too.

Try to hang in there, it is a rollercoaster. When there is NC he will begin to sound normal, but all it takes is one text or call from the OW and he will be an instant a**.

I can only hope and pray! With as into guys as she seems, she should find one soon. Then, hopefully, she will break off contact with my WH. Or, she seems the type who would continue to play with him to keep him around. Who knows?
He talked to DD10 (she has her first dance tonight and wanted to tell him) and asked her to help him make something for his mom for Mother's Day. I said (and it popped out of my mouth before I could stop it), "he NEEDS to be making or buying something for the mother of his children too!" Ooops, I didn't mean to say that in front of DD10.

I hope that he feels crazy. How can he feel okay about what he has done? That is something that I don't understand and probably never will. How he thinks that leaving the mother of his children, while she is pregnant, is an okay thing to do and he is still a great guy. Blah.

Ayane,

Don't be afraid of what will happen when he comes back.

Why?

Because BEFORE he comes back, both of you will have come to the point where you both have agreed on the terms of how, why, when, where, and what will happen when he does return.

Because you both will understand POJA.
You both will have filled out the EN Questionnaire.
You both will understand that the boundaries for an affair-safe marriage include not having friends of the opposite sex that make it at risk.
You both will realize that your giver-taker balance needs to be in place.
You both will be on board with the Marriage Builders concepts - and so you will not need to be afraid of what will happen.

Because he will have pulled his head out.

And you will be on the road to recovery. You will have made that happen, because you will be reading the website, the books, and putting the concepts into action.


IF you do this, then you will have a much better shot at a stronger marriage this time around.

And HE will have a chance at changing into a MAN.

SB

I love this. Yes, he needs to learn to be a man, not a little boy.

You guys on this site have been great. When I feel down, you give me encouragement to feel better. I thank all of you for that. I was feeling pretty crappy after that conversation this morning, feeling hopeless, and just telling myself that it really was DONE, that I didn't need to think anything else. But now, well, I feel better. I know that no matter what happens, it will be for the best, and that I will have made myself into a better person. So, THANK YOU!!!

Hugs to all! :-)

Another okay/kinda blah conversation with the WH. This one was about the kids. I thought he was going to keep them tonight and tomorrow night, but he says if only DD5 wants to stay with him tonight, then he will just pick them up in the morning. DD10 and DD12 do NOT want to go with him. I did tell them that I would like for them all to stay with him tomorrow night as I am going out with friends (DD12 didn't like the fact that I was going out, even though there were no guys involved). WH didn't have much to say about me going out tomorrow night either. Anyway, the conversation ended quickly. I suppose it's better than fighting.

Hang in there, hon. I'm sure he will be back.

You are lucky that the OW's parents have some morals. Most parents of OW don't care if she is a homewrecker.

You certainly have a lot of contact with hubby. Mine was out the door and out of my life. I talked to him a total of about an hour in 2 years.

Yeah we have talked more in the past couple of days than we have since he has left. It's nice, but I don't understand some of the things that he brings up. Such as....

I saw one of his (used to be our)friends today and my WH says, "maybe you can hook up with him". Why would he say something like that?

Then he tells me that this chick that he cheated on me with 3 years ago now wants to hang out with him, alone. Why tell me this crap? I don't want to know.

He's also telling me about maybe getting a place with another friend of his, but that then I would get less money if he did that. I know that he can't change his mind overnight, but will he ever?

Oh, who knows why they say crap? You would be much better off spending your time doing something productive like cleaning the toilets.

It's cool that you are having a little boy. They are lots of fun. I raised three boys and was blessed with 5 step-daughters.

I think that he has already cut himself off from me emotionally (well I guess that is kind of obvious) and wants to have a "friend" type relationship, which obviously can't happen right now. Who knows. My mom thinks that he said that since I was intimate with his friend a long, long time ago.

Yeah, I'm excited about having a boy. Girls are cool, but man when they get to be teens (or tweens) they are pains in the butt! Hopefully, a boy won't be that bad :-)

Quote "I saw one of his (used to be our)friends today and my WH says, "maybe you can hook up with him". Why would he say something like that?"

I am wondering if this is part of the fogbabble sh*t they spiel out at us, my WS told me only yesterday to get a b/friend. maybe it eases their conscience to think of us in another relationship

It could be, who knows? But, then I get overly analytical and wonder if he is really in the fog. Maybe he just really, really wanted to get out of this relationship. I guess only time will tell.

But, I do think it would make them feel less guilty to think of us with someone else. Maybe?

Also, all the bills are in his name and he has made no attempt and has not even mentioned taking them out. Should I go ahead and do that myself or just wait until he brings it up?

Am I putting this together right? Your WH said maybe you could hook up with a friend and that friend is one that you were intimate with before.

Did you have an A with this friend?

As for the bills, if he hasn't mentioned it then I wouldn't. The more invested and rooted he is in supporting your home, the more likely I think he is to still be thinking of returning.

No, I didn't have an affair with this guy. But, we did have a....ummm....threesome. Ugh, that was years ago and now I can't believe that I did that. So, that's what made me wonder if he brought up the chick that he cheated on me with earlier in our relationship....because of what happened before.

I also wonder if I am putting too much emphasis on the OW. Perhaps this really was something that he wanted to do (leaving that is) and she was just the catalyst that he needed. Blah, I've really got to find something else to do and think about. I might go play a video game.

[quote=Ayane= So, that's what made me wonder if he brought up the chick that he cheated on me with....because of what happened before.[/quote]

It sounds like he is not okay with your past sexual history even if it involved him.

Is he the jealous type? If so make sure you look really good and are happy when you drop off the kids before you go out tomorrow night. And do not give him too many details about who you are going with or what you are doing. I know it sounds like game playing, but it will make him wonder about you and who you are with. You need to get him to chase you and the first step is for him to start thinking about where you are and who you might be with. I've been blasted before that this advice, so take it or leave it. It's just that your situation reminds me so much of my own, so I am telling you what worked for me. Although I had not heard of MB when I was going through it, so I just did what seemed right for my situation and luckily it lead to my H returning.

I thought at one point that he was, but now he says that he doesn't care what I do. That I could go out and have sex with his best friend and he wouldn't care. That is how much he doesn't love me. So, who knows?

I also don't understand why he is calling me all the time to talk about everyday crap. My friend says to ask him why he is doing that. To find out if he is doing this to get to know me again or to try to start a different kind of relationship with me, or some other reason. What do you guys think? I don't want to ask him because I'm afraid that he will stop calling me and I would rather him do that so we can chat and laugh together than have him find someone else to talk to.

Oh and I plan to look very, very good tomorrow night. I didn't tell him what I was doing, but I did tell him that I had plans. He didn't ask what they were though.

Just got off the phone with my WH. He's been calling a lot. LOL he called and we talked about tv shows, the kids, and a deer on the highway...woohoo. He did get off the phone very, very quickly at the end, when I told him what DD5 said to her teacher. She said, "I miss my daddy". I told him kind of laughingly as we were talking about lighthearted things. He said, "I find nothing amusing about that. I'm cutting off here." I think what she said is sad, but hopefully this is something that will keep HIM up at night...thinking. Because, I will say, if he ever loved anyone but himself, it was those girls. I hope he will feel the same about his son.


OH! Big thing for me here. I was praying when he called. I was telling God that I knew that His way was the best way and the way that things were going to go. But, I wanted to know what I should do. I want my WH to miss me, to want to talk to me. I was asking God to let me know what to do, should I just think of the marriage as over and be open to other possibilities or should I wait it out and fight for my marriage? My phone rang as I praying and it was my WH just calling to talk. I feel like God is telling me something.