OMG my WH called me and said that he really wanted to have sex with me. He said that he wants to see how good WE can be together (not just in sex), but he doesn't want anyone to know about this and get their hopes up. He says he thinks about me and really wants to work things out with me, but his head feels crazy.

This seems like a good thing, yes?

I have recently gone down this road.
He is cake eating. it will raise your hopes, but will ultamitly result in his having sex, and you getting hurt feelings when he doesnt provide love along with the sex.
It is your choice, but it only makes a tentative connection at best.
Also, think STI's. Not romantic, but hey, I just had my test the other day, and that wasnt romantic either.

Well he came over and we attempted, but it didn't happen. It felt forced and un-natural, something that we both noticed. He said that just proves that things have changed with us and he was hoping that this would change his mind. He said that he wants to be home with his family.

I told him to not write our relationship off because of one bad attempt at intimacy. I said that we weren't intimate in any other way anymore, which caused weird feelings when we are trying to do this. He held me and comforted me and I felt closer to him then than while attempting. He said it just proves that we shouldn't be together.

I don't think it does prove that, I think that it shows we need to meet each other's EN's again. Of course, he disagrees. I don't know. Should I write it off as dead now?

I talked to him again and he said that it feels wrong to him. He said that holding me felt right, but everything else felt wrong. I talked with my mom about it and she says it's too soon. That there is too much between us, my hurt and his guilt. I really need some advice!

I dont really know what to say. SF with my WH was fantastic, it was the zero affection after that I struggled with. I think that maybe the fact you do get affection is a good thing.
Vets?

I'm online and reading, but I don't know what advice to give other than keep to your plan. Hopefully others will chime in tomorrow.

I texted him saying that I needed to know that he wanted to heal our relationship and that he wasn't just using me for sex. When I knew that he wanted to fix our relationship, I could promise him that our sex life would be wonderful again. My heart isn't open to him like it was, I'm too hurt, and I'm thinking of other things the entire time that I'm doing this. I told him that we've never had "just" sex and that is why it was so awkward and wrong. BTW, there was nothing wrong with the package...lol it was just a weird feeling.

I honestly think that if we were working on things and trying to reconcile and repair our relationship, that things would go back to being wonderful. But, I can't help thinking of who or what is between us right now. I do think that it's too soon for us to attempt something like that. I was basically doing it for him, not because I wanted to. My heart just hurts too much to be that giving and open again. I also feel that the OW is still between us.

Letter to my WH about last night - (tell me what you think)

Dear WH,
Did you ever think that you didn't want just sex last night, that you wanted me? If you were emotionally disconnected, then you would have been able to have sex and leave, but you couldn't. You said that you wanted so badly to be home with your family and work things out. Family and marriage is a much deeper, abiding love than those exciting feelings that you get from someone that you've only known a short time. It seems that we both wanted different things last night and neither of us got them. Sex is not what we need right now, communication is.
Think about all of this before you write off the relationship. It seems like you want to use this as another excuse to absolve all guilt and say you want out. Marriage is hard, hard work and it's easier to run away than deal with the pressures and work on issues. I can fill your emotional needs and you can fill mine. We can reconnect on an emotional level and recapture all of the sweetness of our relationship to make something even deeper. I'm willing to climb your walls if you will only meet me halfway.

Love,
Ayane


I just spoke with him this morning and he says that he just doesn't think about me that way anymore. Is that possible in three weeks? Could this be fog speak or could it be the truth????

Fog speak.

Ok, I rewrote the letter to something less....pressuring.

Dear WH-
I think the reason we thought things seemed so awkward last night was because we both, whether we realized it or not, came into it feeling as though it was an all or nothing situation. In this type of situation, anything other than fireworks and earth shaking would seem less than perfect. We had such high expectations. I understand because for me it felt like everything rested on that, too. We didn't take time to relax and reconnect as two people who really do love each other should. Falling in love took time and falling back in love will take time also. We can reconnect on an emotional level and recapture all the sweetness of our relationship to make something even better.
I have no expectations. I love you and I'm here for you when you're ready.

Love,
Ayane

The reason it felt so awkward and weird is that you were attempting to have sex with the WS not your husband. You may as well have had sex with a stranger.

Now for the 2x4, what on earth are you doing? You are pregnant and having sex with a WS which means basically having sex with OW and everyone she has been with. That is very dangerous to you and your unborn child. Stop this. Get tested ASAP and if you come back clean please don't jeopardize your baby's health like this again.

As for the letter, you can't educate a wayward. Are you in Plan A? Plan A doesn't include allowing cake-eating. Have you read Pep's notable posts? Please do that. There is a ton of good advice there.

Playing games with a WS does not work.

Ok, I see your point and I understand your concern. That was something that I tentatively thought about (STD's) which I should have thought more about.

He did call me immediately after reading my letter to let me know that I shouldn't read too much into last night. That I am awesome and wonderful, but things are how they are. Which is exactly what I expected him to say. I know that he really believes it, too. Right now, I have no expectations. I feel that last night may have been a turning point, good or bad, I don't know, but a turning point none the less.

As others have said on this site...look at the actions. That is what I'm doing. Words lie. Am I making sense at all? LOL.

I have not read the whole thread but I got this far and had to say something.

They work together?

You need to expose this affair at their place of employment. Many employers have policies regarding workplace relationships. Additionally, they might want to protect themselves from a workplace harassment suit should either person decide the other had harassed them in some way.

She is no longer working there and has moved an hour away to her parents house. They have told her that they will kick her out and disown her if she has any contact with him.

Go OW's parents! At least they have morals and think that some things are sacred and you don't mess with them.

Sorry I was premature.


LOL!!! They are just as nutty. I have one of each. 8th grade, with both children, has been stinky....just different kinds of stinky.

LOL @ different kinds of stinky! I can't wait though, it will totally change the dynamics of our house. Imagine 3 daughters, a wife, a female dog, and even a female fish....lol I'm surprised my WH isn't even more alien-ish! :-)

Speaking of the WH....he stopped by to pick up a video game. He got out of the car, played with the dog and let me talk to the kiddos. DD10 said she told him that he should make me something for Mother's Day and he said that was a good idea. I won't hold my breath though. When DD10 asked what I had been doing today, I made sure to say that I had been finalizing my plans for tonight...in front of WH. He really wouldn't look at me though. The one time he did, he had this weird sort of sad expression on his face. Though he says that he doesn't think about me that way....I'm willing to bet money that he will be thinking of me tonight (maybe not in THAT way) while he is lying awake, alone in his bed.

You WH called to say he wanted sex and then came over to do it, no wonder it was weird. It was a booty call with someone that he loves (even if he won't admit to the love), that doesn't work when the relationship is at this point. Maybe he can call his tramp OW for a booty call, but not the pregnant mother of his children.

I think he knew it would be weird and did it just to try to get some sort of justification for his wayward actions. I would guess he was thinking "see we don't have a connection and there is no sexual attraction, our marriage is over, so I can do what I want without feeling guilty" KWIM?

My FWH and I got drunk and had wild sex, but I really think he had sex out of anger, he was really mad at me for upsetting his new relationship (we had been separated for a few months and he had moved in with OW). But then it confused him because the sex was great! It was at that point that he said his head was in a blender. But we did not plan to have sex, it just happened.

Do not plan to have sex again. If you guys are connecting and it happens spontaneously then great, but do not plan it! You do need to protect yourself and your baby, so have some condoms on hand. Do not talk about the condoms, just have them handy and you open one and you put it on him, make it part of the sex. If you tell him you want him to wear one because you don't know what he may have caught from his tramp then it will kill the mood. You could even get some "fun" condoms and tell him you really want to try this because you think it will feel good. Make it a postive fun thing, not a do it so I don't get an STD thing.

Most importantly do not have sex just to try to win him back, only do it if you really are wanting to. Guys can tell if you are just going through the motions and it won't be great. A big part of the excitement for most guys is knowing that they are being desired and that the woman is enjoying it.

I agree that he wanted to see what it would be like, but he couldn't emotionally disconnect himself from it and of course it's going to be weird when things are so uncomfortable in other ways. He does just want a justification for what he is doing. You are right though....you can't PLAN to have great sex...it happens naturally.

I think that I do have him wondering today though. I've been nice and cheerful, nothing negative to say. I went to the grocery and called to see if the girls needed any food, he said no, but I could bring him back something, sounding happy and almost like the old H. Then, WH came into play and he changed his mind saying no, don't worry about it. Blah, just let it go, man, I wanted to shout.

[quote=Ayane
I think that I do have him wondering today though. I've been nice and cheerful, nothing negative to say. I went to the grocery and called to see if the girls needed any food, he said no, but I could bring him back something, sounding happy and almost like the old H. Then, WH came into play and he changed his mind saying no, don't worry about it. Blah, just let it go, man, I wanted to shout.

[/quote]


You are doing great! Keep being nice and keep him wondering.

As for the food thing. I packed a few of my daughters favorite foods when she went to spend the night with her dad and he got annoyed because he took it to mean that I thought he wasn't capable of taking care of her. I was really just trying to be helpful.

There is such a fine line between being helpful and making them feel like you think they aren't capable.

It sounds like at first your WH was thinking "oh yeah pick me up xyz while you are at the store" and then his mind flashed to "hey I am capable of getting it myself, I don't need you". This is typical for waywards, their thinking can flip from sane to dilusional in a second.

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

I just remembered a thought I had this morning when I was thinking about your situation. You mentioned earlier that you talked to your mom about the comments your WH said about sex with his friend.

Try to limit the bad things you say about your husband to your mom. My relationship with my mom has been very strained after the mess my H and I went through because I told her so much of the crap he was saying and doing.

Also, one of the problems in my marriage was that my H felt that I put my mom ahead of him. I'm not saying you do this, but just thought I would mention it in case you do. I have a lot more to say if you do this. Do you put your mom ahead of your H?