As I stated in a thread many months ago Myrta continues to be highly unhappy about the presents I give her.

In the eve of mother's day I was stressed out as I knew she would somehow find fault with the stuff I got. This has been the norm from day one in our marriage, in fact I have old videos from the early 1980's where she is pouting on mother's day or during her birthday.

So once again she complained about everything I gave her and I finally exploded. I have been on the receiving end of this for over 30 years.

She states that if she does not like the presents it simply means that I was not thoughtful and did not pay any attention to what she really wants. I discussed this issue with my four daughters and they all confirmed that it is not easy to determine what to buy for Myrta.

To make things worse I am in the habit of giving her presents on a very regular basis so mother's day presents have little impact.

So I finally asked her what she really wanted for mother's day and she could not come up with anything. That is not surprising because on a daily basis she can buy anything she wants for herself. So I kept asking what was the ideal present for her and she had no idea. In the end she said" "well, I guess a gift certificate". A gift certificate????? Is that romantic??? What is the impact of a gift certificate when she can buy anything she wants at any time?

I am almost 100% certain that this intrinsic unhappiness was the main reason she had an affair.

It's called antidepressants. Your wife is in need of them.

I don't think she is depressed. Furthermore, she is not materialistic or driven by money. For some reason she assumes that every present she receives must be the correct one for her. She can be quite happy with $2.00 earrings if she likes them.

However, if she does not like the gift she takes it very personally. The implication is that the giver did not spend much time shopping or that the giver did not make an effort to determine what is the best gift for her.

She is also unhappy about other issues such as my hobbies. IF I spend too much time on my own she thinks I am neglecting her on purpose.

I think she is.

Well, Stanley, she seems kind of high maintenance. By the way, what did you give her?

My ex used to give me really bad gifts - no thought at all. There are millions of things I like - plants, perfume, bath oil, nice soap. But he would give me something for the dollar store, or even one time, flowers that were completely wilted (they were half price). Even that would not have bothered me, but he always bought very nice things for himself.

Or it could be that her expectations are so high that ANYTHING would be a disappointment. Some folks are triggered by holidays.

Give her the gift of time alone with you -- a special dinner out, a walk outside, etc. What she values may be what cannot be purchased in a store.

Cherishing

Believer:

I give her presents all the time. So I guess a present in an special occasion seems ordinary to her.

The amazing thing is that she gives away no clues about what she might like. The stuff I gave her is not cheap and I had a conference with my daughters about what Myrta wanted for mother's day. No one had a clue.

Then I asked Myrta what would have been the perfect gift for her and she did not have an answer. The best she could do was a "gift certificate".

I truly believe this is an issue of insecure personality. There is more, she never gives me positive feedback about anything I do. There is always a fault here and there. I don't need the approval of anyone for my own happiness, but this is way over the top.

Sometimes she accuses me of not spending enough time with her after I have stroked her hair for one hour. It does not make sense!

I call her from work several times a day. SOme days she never answers the phone and then she accuses me of not calling her and therefore "I do not care for her".

I realize this stuff sounds too goofy to be true, but i am not exaggerating.

On other occasions she may say threatening words as to why she strayed. In other words she will say "that is why it happened".

This constant complaining is very tiring.

JM:

Can you explain why you think she is depressed?

I take her out to eat at least 2-3 times a week (not counting a couple of lunches on her own during the week). So taking her out on Mother's day has no effect----she does it all the time. If I choose a special restaurant she usually finds some fault with the food or will say it was not worth it.

I would give anything to take a stroll to the local park with her, but that is not her style. She has said NO to that in a very consistent manner.

I think she is spoiled!

Depressed people often are very critical and irritable. That may be why.

And it could be FOO issues.

I think I would tell her that you feel hurt when she pouts about a gift and the next holiday you will take her shopping and let HER pick it out. But I suppose that won't do for her either.

jmwc,

Just as a heads up, Stan-Ley is a doc.


Stan-Ley, sorry to see you back here buddy. Is Myrta going down the same path as last time?

And it does seem like you have spoiled her.

I agree, it could be depression. Worth looking into.

ETA: oops, I just read that you are a doc. Well I'm not, so I take back my layman's over-the-internet diagnosis of your W whom I have never even met! It's still MHO though.

Hi Stanley,

Long time no see. I'll give you my very very non-MB response to this. I would cease to give her gifts, she has no clue what a gift is. Oddly, I just had a discussion with my daughter about this very subject concerning a friend of hers who is getting married.

A gift is just that... a gift. Something given as a token of esteem and love. IF someone cannot see that, then quit giving gifts to them. Life is really that simple Stanley.

I don't care if she is depresseed, high as a kite on something, or just plain herself, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for lack of manners, lack of respect, lack of kindness. She is showing all with her behavior.

If I were you, I would simply tell her: "Myrta, I cannot read minds, I cannot read your mind, given that you do not accept my gifts in the manner they are given, I have decided to cease giving gifts." Leave it at that.

I did some house cleaning for my W early in our marriage, I got a lot of grief because I did not do it to her standards. My response was just what I told you to do. I simply said "I'm deeply sorry I don't meet your standards, hire someone how does, or do it yourself." And in over 30 years I have never done those household chores again, and yes we are still married.

Your problem Stanley is you are not setting your boundaries. If this really bothers you then YOU have to take a stand. IF you are unwilling to take a stand, then deal with it. This is all really YOUR call not Myrta's.

You should have already learned that you cannot buy Myrta happiness. You still try because you seem to think all you have to offer is money and gifts. If that is truly all she wants from you, then you really don't have a W, you simply have another dependent on your tax return.

Stop doing something you cannot do and don't know how to do...make Myrta happy with gifts. You've tried, you have 30 years or so of experience and the data is very clear, very consistent, and is not likely to change. Pay attention to what she is telling you and stop doing something that irriatates her.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

As usual, I think JL hit the nail on the head.

Stanley, yes she is but you either can't, or won't, see it.

Self-centered and selfish, putting something "else" ahead of God.

But since you have not wanted to talk about what being "Surrendered to God" is all about, I will say no more.

Listen to JL, at least he is telling you a "practical realty" in dealing with someone who is NOT surrendered to God.

What was God "interested in" in the OT sacrifices? Was it the gift itself, or the motive of the heart in presenting the gift?

For you, yourself, remember that "resentment kills," as in "is a slow form of suicide." Don't commit suicide.

God bless.

JL, Believer, Cymanca, FH, et al:

Nice to see some of the old faces!

I will say that for many years I have been stressed out during this time of the year. In a span of three weeks I have Mother's day, my anniversary, and Myrta’s birthday. It seems each year I fail to meet the standard.

Last year I had a major blow out and I posted here under a different identity. The situation was identical------if Myrta does not like the gift she assumes I give her no importance.

I get a laugh when people suggest to me things that I do for her on a regular basis when there is no special occasion. Obviously doing these things has no positive effect because I do them all the time. In other words I have set up a very high standard.

Interestingly, Myrta’s mother pouts quite a bit when she gets a present that is not up to her standards. As believer said, maybe there is something to FOO.

I have told Myrta that I am done with the issue of unhappiness related to gifts, however, this is exactly what I told her a year ago. I don’t think people change.

I will post an update on my situation four years post d-day in another thread.

Cymanca: Are you fully divorced?

Sorry, I have been away for a long time.

Stanley, I was actually taught by my parents how to receive gifts. They told me it was rude that if somebody gave me flowers, not to immediately find a vase and put them into fresh water. If a piece of jewellery was offered, I should immediately put it on, go to the mirror and look delighted. If it were perfume or toiletries, then I should open it and sniff it and be knocked out by the delightful fragrance. Mostly, I have tried to do these things and I LOVE to receive presents although I don't get that many really - just the special occasions. Your wife sounds rather ungrateful and spoilt. There is also a lot of joy in giving a gift if you see it graciously received and appreciated. It's pretty insulting to spend time and trouble shopping and researching a gift and then to see somebody 'disappointed' by it.

That is what I do. I cannot understand the concept of being unhappy with a present. If I don't like it is no big deal---after all it is something extra and unexpected.

There have been times when my wife gives me a shirt that i don't quite like, but I still show a great deal of gratitude and emotion about it. Then I politely ask if it is OK to exchange it for another one. If my wife had done that regarding her Mother's day presents I would not be offended. However, she was mad and acting insulted by the gift.

d i t t o

"Dearest lovely wife. My gifts do not please

you. They never have. I am listening to what you have been

saying to me all these years. I will not displease you further

with any future gifts. From this day forward, any

celebration/event/anniversary with you will be marked by time

spent together doing something enjoyable."

- she has repeatedly told you that you suck at buying her gifts - grant her wish - no more gifts !


Pep