GOOD NEWS!!! I got a job....(yeah I'm dancing around the house LOL)!!!! I'm so excited. Okay, off to get ready and head to work :-)

Congratulations! Now the hard part, try to focus on work and not let all this crap get in your way of doing a good job. I was such a mess that my work suffered and I lost many clients.

As for being at his beck and call, that is a tough one. On one hand you want to be there for him if he is having NC and going through withdrawal. But on the other hand, you want to get him to wonder what you are up to and start pursuing you.

I personally was at my H's beck and call, until I got fed up with him saying one day he wanted me and then the next day he wanted OW. After a couple of weeks of that I was mentally and physically exhausted and went out of town for a few days where we had no cell phone service. My H got really mad and I thought for sure we were through, then about a week later he saw me ready to go out on a date and lost it. He spent all night crying and calling me over and over (because I wouldn't answer). That was the day he was finally on board with our marriage for good.

Just keep up the good converations and keep looking good!

I thought about asking my WH if he wanted to come by tonight when he gets off work and bring that video game to show me. I wasn't sure if it was too soon to do something like that or not.

Also, I received the book, Getting Back Together today and I've been reading it. It's pretty good so far.

WH still hasn't been to the child support office, so I guess they will be serving him with the paperwork. He wants me to try to set up a time for him, since he only has a prepaid cell phone and not enough minutes on it. He won't tell me what days he is off and says that he CANNOT go up there tomorrow. Which makes me wonder what he has going on and why he can't tell me.

I would invite him over. Just keep it friendly with no expectations. If he says yes then have a good time. If he says tonight isn't good just sound casual and say okay.

If he does come over maybe there will be a chance to use some of schoolbus's tips. I was also thinking maybe you should try schoolbus's tips on your kids so that they become comfortable for you. If you feel uncomfortable he will sense it and it could make it awkward instead of intimate. I hope this makes sense.

As far as him not getting the job, just stay supportive and have fun at the same time. Try to build him up.

Keep in mind that you want him to feel good when he is with you or talking to you. Its how other make us feel about ourselves that makes us want to be with them.

I'm glad you are having moments of happiness and are able to laugh, you sound like an incredibly strong woman.

Hey let me know what you think of that book, I've never heard of it.

A book that I found very interesting and full of great ideas on meeting each others needs was The Five Love Languages. It talks about what makes different people feel loved. I've found that my husband enjoys acts of service, like me cooking him dinner and taking care of the house. While I like words of affirmation. Its funny because while reading this book I was able to see that my husband was trying to show me he loved me by doing acts of service, while I was feeling unloved because I needed to hear the words of affirmation. Okay now I am babbling, but it really is a great book.

I asked him and he said probably not tonight, because he would get out of work too late. I was all cool and not really disappointed, I wasn't expecting him to say yes, actually. But, he did say that he would come by maybe tomorrow or Wednesday, who knows. I don't want him to feel obligated, though, so I probably won't mention it again.

Now that I think more about tomorrow, though, I think that he is probably going to the college. He only has until Friday to get it done, so....that is a huge possibility. I just get worked up at first LOL.

CantLetItGo - Thank you for the compliment. I've been called strong a lot lately and I don't see it at all. I feel like a baby, new, alone, completely stripped bare of everything, trying to find my way. It's a little scary and intimidating, but I do have to admit, I like a challenge!!! Thank you for all your great advice...I look for what you have to say when I come on here!

I know exactly what you mean. This past year there have been so many times when friends have told me that I am strong and doing great and I just want to yell "Are you kidding me, I am such a mess, and feel so weak". But the lady in me prevails and I just thank them.

Just a couple of weeks ago my H asked me how the housing sales in our area were doing lately (I'm in the real estate business) and I told him I hadn't look at sales in our neighborhood lately because last time I did they weren't good and it made me think about all the mistakes I've made in life. He was very sweet and said something like "don't you feel like we are stronger now" I got teary and said "No, I feel weak" Now it is not like me to say things like that, but I think it helped me feel better for him to see that side of me and I think it helped him to really know me better. I'm really working on the whole communication thing. I actually just got home from my weekly counseling session where I am working on my communication and getting my strength back.

I do hope what I say helps you in some way. From the first time I read your posts I related so much to how you feel.

I have a problem with communication also. I always want to be the "strong" one and I feel that if I let out my emotions, I will give someone power over me or be seen as feminine and "weak". Does that make sense? My mom says that I've always been rather closed mouth about my feelings. This is something that I am working on in counseling, also. I want to be open to other people and I will say that I have been more open with everyone since the separation began than I have in years! So, that is one good thing that has come of this.

I just hope that my WH comes around as yours did. From what you say, it seems as though he really did love you the entire time. Did he ever tell you that he didn't love you? I'm just worried that this is NOT all fog babble and that he really means what he is saying.

BTW, the book is Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs Bilicki and Masa Goetz. It talks about how separation can be a good thing and that premature reconciliation can cause a permanent divorce, etc, etc. That is about as far into as I've gotten LOL.

Not only did my H tell me he didn't love me. He told me he never loved me the way he loved OW.

The first time he came back home to try to work on our marriage and I tried to cuddle him during the night he told me that he felt like he was cheating on OW. When I asked if he ever felt bad when he was cheating on me he said "No". He of course did not even remember saying those things months later.

Those are just a couple of examples, he said horrible things, he criticized everything about me, my weight (I am 5'4" and weighed 130lbs, 120lbs is my ideal weight), my hair color (I let it go natural to light brown instead of coloring it blonde), my clothes (the jeans I was wearing were not low rise), the hair on my upper legs (it was winter and I hadn't shaved my upper legs in a while), my lack of make-up, my boobs (34A- now 34DD, I scheduled a boob job while we were separated), the list goes on and on and on.

He really tore me down, he had a lot of anger for me which he worked on in individual conseling before we reconciled. Which BTW he called marriage counseling even though he refused to let me go. He yelled at me that he was done. He filed divorce papers. It was really bad.

Oh wow. I'm very sorry that I asked you that question now. It has to be hard writing all of that. I'm sorry! What made him turn around?

Blah, I wish that I weighed 130lbs LOL! I'm 5'6 and weighed around 125lbs when we got together and when I got pregnant I was up to 165lbs! I was completely disgusted with myself and the way that I looked. And, that is something that I am going to work on when I have the baby.

I'm glad that he turned around. Has marriage counseling (the real deal) helped out a lot?

Don't be sorry that you asked, it was not hard to write. What is hard is that I can't get that crap out of my head. My point in telling you all that was that waywards can say some horrible things. Also, all of this was said while he supposed wanted to come home and work on our marriage. He had a lot of anger he worked on in counseling by himself.

As for the marriage counseling, it was interesting, but I think my H's individual counseling helped the most. I truely believe he had a sort of mental breakdown during this time. It was during this time that he told me on the phone that he didn't care if he died and then he hung up on me.

You asked what made him turn around? Well, it is against the MB advice, but seeing me going on a date killed him. First he yelled at me that he couldn't believe I was dating so soon and while he was in marriage counseling. I laughed at him and said he must be joking since he starting dating before he told me he wanted a divorce and that is he was in marriage counseling his wife would be going with him. Then he told me to finish my beer and get out (I was dropping my daughter off at his new apartment that he had just moved into since he realized how wrong it was for him to be living with the OW). I calmly poured my beer down the drain and walked out. Within minutes he was calling me and yelling at me on the phone. Then I stopped answering and he called over and over until I finally called back hours later. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to go to marriage counseling with me. He then went over to OW's condo and got his quad out of her garage and told her he could never see her again. He was supposed to go riding with her the next day before he realized he loved me. The next day when I came to pick up my daughter, he cried and told me that he was so sorry and that he loved me. There was a lot that lead up to this point and I think if he had seen me going on a date a few weeks earlier he would not have had the same reaction. I did not know about MB at that time and had no plan. I just knew I wanted my husband and my family back.

I'm glad that you got what you wanted. Hopefully, things will get better here also. It just seems that when I think things are getting better, something happens and it gets worse. It's the whole one step forward and two steps back....or so it seems. I don't know. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's hard. I'm not a very patient person and this is something that I can't control and hurry along. That's hard for me. Right now, it's like the ball is in my WH's court and I don't like that. I have the whole "what if" syndrome going on.

What if he doesn't change his mind?
What if he really means what he says?
What if he only wants to come back home because he can't stay with his parents anymore?
What if he really DOESN'T love me?
What if, what if, what if?

I hate all these thoughts. I only want to think happy, happy, joy, joy thoughts about working on myself, but it's a difficult process. WH said that he wanted someone less negative in his life and wanted to go forward in a positive way. However, it seems that the only things he has changed are:
1. Where he lives
2. The fact that he can come and go and do whatever he pleases
3. Pushing me out of his life

He says that these things make him happier and make him feel better about his life and himself. THAT makes me feel HORRIBLE. *sigh*

I spoke again with his mom last night. She says that she has asked him point blank what he wanted (divorce, etc) and he couldn't give her an answer. She says that if he was gung ho and that was what he really wanted, he would be telling everyone. Of course, he could just not want to tell her, but I don't know why he wouldn't. She's said a lot on this subject and she seems to think that things will get better and he will come home. I don't know.

WH keeps calling and asking for stuff. For example - he just called to see if he could use our (excuse me, MY) van to help his friend move sometime this week. I have no problem with that, until I think of all the things that I wanted him to move in our house that he never would. I have been trying to get him to move the furniture around for months and he couldn't do it. BUT, he has no problem helping his friend move AND asking me if he can use something of mine. Nice. I guess those things don't matter at this time. *sigh*

You should tell him he can use it IF he comes to your house and does XYZ for you first.

LOL I told him that he would have to clean it out for me first. I just got a bunch of baby stuff and I haven't felt like taking it in. I have a bassinet and three boxes of baby stuff along with misc. crap. Heh, so he DOES have to do that.

It just seems like he wants stuff from me that he would ask me for previously, but I'm not getting that much out of it.

Do you know who the friend is that he is helping move?

Yes, I know him. I have his wife as one of my friends on myspace. Think I should confirm with her?

I would confirm with her, but DON'T let her know you are confirming to check up on WH. It is crazy but waywards get all upset if you act like you don't trust them.

My H got all crazy about wanting one of the big TV's and some furniture after he moved in with his OW. I think he was just crazy because he was used to living in a nice house and moved into her dive condo that looked like a college student lived there.

I think waywards go into a sort of withdrawal from their home when they move out. So many go from a nice family home to a dive apartment.

I would make sure that your WH isn't using the van to help OW move something.

I sent her an email telling her that WH asked to use my van but didn't tell me what day so I needed to know so I could make sure that it would be available. Since I'm working now haha

Yeah that did cross my mind, the helping the OW thing. But, her parents would probably be around, so I can't see that happen. However, my van is much nicer than his car, so I wouldn't put it past him to attempt to drive it to where she lives. I'm going to make sure to check the mileage.

Spoke to my mom about everything...my wavering between hopeful and hopeless, etc. She said he's probably going back and forth also. I'm sure this is a crazy time for everyone. It just seems that the males have it much easier as they get to come and go as they please without having to worry about the kids, etc, etc. Must be nice.

My WH didn't spend his night at his parents tonight. I wonder where he is. I know that the OW is now at her parents house so I highly doubt that he is there. I just want to ask him where he is spent his night, but that will just start an argument. *sigh*