Nah. None of your business at this point.

Focus on yourself. Make selfish demands. Take care of yourself. Don't give things away. If he wants a favor from you, get something out of it first. Tell him he has to move something for you first before he can use the van, since you're redecorating your house.

At the very least tell him you expect him to bring it back detailed (vacuumed, washed and waxed, and cleaned inside).

Yeah it may not be my concern, but I still worry about it. *sigh* Oh well. I asked his friends wife when they were moving so that I could make sure my van was available and she never replied back to me, which makes me think that maybe he isn't planning to use my van to help them, I don't know.

I don't think I am going to let him use it now. I don't have to say yes. He always wants something from me without giving much in return, so I think this time I won't be so accomidating.

His friend told me that they are moving all week, but I still don't know if I want to let my WH use it or not. I still don't know if I believe it. He lies so easily. Not only that, I'm just tired. Tired of worrying and wondering.

Ugh right now I feel hateful and mean. I want to start an argument with him so at least I know that he is feeling something. I don't know how to detach and let go. I'm such a passionate person about everything that I do and it's so hard because I can't force this with my will, I can't make this happen, I can't control this. So, basically, I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm fearful because I'm not the one in control. I'm not the one in the driver's seat with this and I don't like it one bit. I guess I've just got to find ways to chill, but man, it's hard!

I'm surprised that more vets have not responded to your posts. I copied the following from a post from MelodyLane on the thread "2008 = crazy year" It outlines Plan A. Have you read Surviving the Affair?

Here is an outline of plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

If you're looking for some good posts, here's what I posted on lildoggie's thread ("The Snake" thread):

I just bumped two posts here on GQII:

"Notable Posts" thread by Pepperband

"The Rules of Plan A ..." by ark^^

and in case you haven't yet read about the carrot and the stick of Plan A, here's the link to the post on "Just Found Out":

The Carrot and The Stick

This is also good:
Plan C is NOT a plan!

Well more crazy drama. I thought that he had been in contact with the OW and I was right. He drove up to see her and spent the night up there. Of course, he lied about it and had his friends lie about it. Well, except one. He told me the truth. And apparently the other woman paid for the gas for him to get up there!!!

He is such a liar. He told me that he lies to me because nothing he does is right unless he comes back to me and even then nothing he does will be right. I've been totally pissed off and love busting left and right and I don't even care! I don't even know if I want this man back. He has lied so much that I can't believe a word that he says.

I contacted a divorce lawyer about going ahead and filing a motion so that he can't take anything in the house, etc, etc.

*sigh*

I told my WH that I was done. I couldn't take his lying and running around. My heart is too sore and my feelings too raw. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, that he wants out of our marriage so badly, and he's getting it so I hope it makes him happy. I went on for a good 10 minutes and he said absolutely NOTHING. I don't know if he was shocked or what. But, he was silent. He wanted to come over and speak to me, but I said no, there is nothing left to be said. I told him that all I expected of him during this time we were separated was honesty and for him to at least wait until the baby is born or we filed for divorce for him to carry on with the OW. He couldn't do either of those. I told him that if she was so special and he felt so connected, why couldn't he wait?

I feel tired and drained now...with a killer headache and I have to go to work in an hour. I really am done. Unless he comes begging on his knees and even then I don't know. I hope that you other posters will continue to support me throughout this. I need support badly.

-A-

I am so sorry things have taken such a turn. If you are done you need to read up on plan B and quick. Find a person you trust to be the go between and go DARK. No talking to him, no seeing him etc. Craft the plan B letter stating why you can't be in contact with him and on what terms you would be willing to give your marriage another try. I suspect you floored him with this and his head is still spinning. Get into plan B as soon as you can.

You tried! if it's taking this long to snap out of his teenage behaviour now..what is it going to be like the next time? you said he cheated before too, right?
If he wanted to be home he would be home! don't let him disrespect you like this. His loss.

How old is this guy?

I'm so sorry, Ayane. Do you have someone you can be with when you get off work? Parents, siblings, friend? I hope you don't have to be alone.

I'm so sorry your WH is being such a jerk. The way he was acting did indicate that he was still in contact with the OW. I think what you said to him was right on point.

It's similar to a conversation I had with my H before we got back together. He and I both yelled at each how done we were.

What seems odd to me is that your WH does not seem to have much reaction to anything you say or do. Is this normal for him? I would think he would react somehow, not just be silent.

I think the others are right that you need to read up on plan B.

Really try to focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Also, try not to let all this interfer with your new job.

It just occured to me that you said OW paid for WH's gas. Does WH have a job or any means of support?

As for getting support here, I will be here and respond to you as long as you want me to. I know it feels like your world is falling apart but you will make it through this. And whatever the outcome of your marriage you will always have your wonderful kids and your family. I know I said before to not say too much to your mom, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't call her and ask for support.

We had a HUGE blowout after work today. I spoke with the OW's mother and he has told the OW that I was into drugs and that he only has two children (which technically he does but he has raised my other two and he considers them his, they call him dad). I was horrified at some of the things that he has told the OW and she told her mother. I feel kind of sorry for the OW now (not completely, but somewhat).

I let his mother know what he had said and he showed up and threw a fit. He said that he had never said that, blah, blah, blah. Then he admitted that he was partly leaving because of the OW. He said that he had to divorce me and end this so that he could associate with her without it affecting her family situation. I told my oldest two daughters exactly what he said about divorcing. Those were his exact words.

I also let him know that I had told them this. He threw my cell phone at me twice and pushed me against the house. I don't know who this person is! Obviously we can't have contact and I shouldn't be upset, but I am. *sigh*

Oh my gosh! Are you okay! Do not give him the chance to be close enough to you again to lay a hand on you. Did your girls see him push you? You really need to show them that his behavior is completely unacceptable. It really is time for Plan B. Do not talk to him anymore, write him a Plan B letter, do not talk to OW or OW's parents anymore.

And yes you should be upset. This is a very upsetting turn of events. You have every right to be upset!

I want to go into Plan B, but not to reconcile our relationship. At least not at this point. Right now, I don't know if I want to reconcile at all. I just want to be done with everything.

That's why it is so important for you to do plan B now! Read some other threads about plan B and write your plan B letter. I think just doing that will help you get back some of the control you have lost in your life. Your WH is treating you so badly that I think plan B will give you some peace.

I remember feeling a sense of control and power when my H and I had the whole "I am so done" fight. Just making the decision to be done knowing that you did everything you could to save your marriage can feel good in a strange way. At least it did for me. Don't get me wrong I was really sad, but I had a sense of peace.

I know the vets on here say to stick to one thread. But I am thinking maybe you should start a new thread to get help with your plan B and then link this thread to it, so they can read your whole story.

The one thing I really dislike about posting online is that I feel like I have gotten to know you and I wish I could just give you a big hug and bring you a milkshake (if you weren't pregnant, I would have said bottle of wine).

Do you have a friend or family member than can come spend the night with you? If not give lots of hugs to your girls and remember you always have them. Even when they are stinky teenagers.

A big hug and a milkshake would be fantastic right now! I don't have anyone to stay with me, but I feel okay. I am sad that it has come to this, but I think I'm ready to open myself to new possibilities (at least at this moment). My pride is hurt that he would prefer someone else to me, but this isn't the first time, so it shouldn't hurt that much.

My oldest daughter said, so I guess we should tell him we're sorry when she turns out to be not what he thinks she is? Because he has only known her a couple months. I can't believe that he would give up seven years for two months.
LOL, out of the mouth of babes!

Oh I so remember that feeling. Almost a sort of freedom, like you don't know what the future holds, but you are ready for the journey to find out.

That is perfect! I like that a lot. I will go look at Plan B threads, because I really have no idea what to write.

Oh my gosh, a lot has happened. Where is your plan, girl?

You should know by now that he is going to act like a drug addict. And he is!

Please, please don't put yourself through all of this. The affair will end, and I'm certain he will want to come back.

You know he is cheating. Quit checking. Treat him like an addict, and don't expect ANYTHING.

You REALLY need to put him on the back burner and take care of you, your baby, and your family.

Stop talking to him. Stop anwering the phone. Stop checking on him.

That is exactly what I am going to do. By the time the A ends, I won't want him back anyway/ I'm ready to be done with all of this heartache. I don't know if I can ever forget the ugly way he has treated me and the fact that her feelings are more important than anyone elses.

What should I write about in my Plan B letter?