So sorry things have taken such a turn. I just caught up on your thread and you WH is definitely behaving along the lines of a jerky WH. Some are more extreme than others and it sounds like you've scored a dandy one. Some of the crap my FWH pulled is absolutely unbelievable. I didn't even post some of it on my thread because I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing it in writing.

My FWH is also a very quiet person and rarely gets excited about anything. It's still very difficult for me to watch him smile and say thank you, this is nice when I get him a gift that I spent hours trying to find. This past Christmas, I got him an original watercolor painting of a place we'd been together that was very special to him and he got tears in his eyes. This was the first time I'd ever known for sure that something I'd done affected him. This was at a time when he was being a huge jerk and refusing to attend Christmas with my family. Soon after this, I found out about his almost 2 year A. So, if this is normal for him, you should know by now that he isn't going to show excitement about things that you are excited about - that's just him. Also keep in mind that he isn't your loving H now. He's an alien WH and his behavior and attitude now is totally related to his A and OW.

One thing I want to caution you about on a practical basis is to not spill your guts about what you're doing with your lawyer. You don't owe him this info and anything you tell him can be used against you. Anything you do to set up a future for your kids and yourself should be done as quietly as you can. Make sure you do everything related to your finances as far under the radar as possible and make sure it's all in your own name so he can't get to it.

As you decide what you want for your life, Plan B will probably serve you well. If you choose someone to be your go-between who is willing and able to filter his communication and manage the kid communication that will help you remove yourself from the stress of dealing with him. It will give you a chance to also get your act together regarding what you think you may want. Do as I say, not as I do here....!!! I was told time and again to go to Plan B, but I couldn't get there for various reasons. You're not in the same place I was, though, and it may be just what you need to get your sanity back.

Congratulations on your job!!

Thank you, thank you! I'll be happy to get my sanity back too! :-)

I'm looking over some Plan B letters that others have written. I don't want to put anything in mine about not speaking with him until he is ready for recovery because I don't know if that is what I want.

Any suggestions?

You are on the rollercoaster right now. Don't make any decisions. It is much too early. The affair will end and then he will be your regular husband again.

Plan B is where you need to be and SOON. There are some good letters here that you can go by. I saw one the other day, but can't remember the thread.

Anyway, stop engaging with him. And start getting ready for a very dark Plan B. Take your time and get your ducks in a row.

You sound so certain. However, I don't want to wait a couple years, etc in case it lasts that long. I know that I wouldn't take him back right now even if he begged. Will I change my mind? Will he? Will the marriage be worth it?

Hopefully it won't take years.

And only you can answer the question "is the marriage worth it".

Most BS's won't settle for going back to the old marriage. They insist on something better - a completely new marriage.

I'm in Plan B as of the last time that he and I talked (last night about 8pm cst). However, I haven't written a letter, because right now I DON'T want him back, I want to go on to Plan D and get it overwith! Well, let me correct that. 75% of me doesn't want him back and 25% does, but not this person that he is now. I am so confused and hurt and angry. My pride aches.

I need help with a simple letter. Are there any samples?

That's the girl!
I know right now it feels that it's easier said than done but with time you will have you sanity back, and think of your new found freedom, girl!

I'm so sorry, too bad I wasn't close to you
It sounds like the only support you have is his family and that isn't going to work. A Mama will always be there for her kids no matter what sh!tty things he has done.

Well I'm not the most perfect person for letters because I'm a hot head.LOL
But you should have something in your letter that mentions how you will NOT wait, and you'll NEVER be second best or the back up plan to no man.
This man is choosing and it's obvious he wants his cake and eat it too. I think you need to serve him with D papers to put the fear of god in him. If he doesn't want you then, then you have your answer.


Good Luck.

I wrote a Plan B letter, but after praying a lot, I've decided not to send it at this time. I'm sure that I will eventually, but I feel that now isn't a good time. However, if he wants to be with the OW so badly, then HE will file for divorce and pay for it. I'm not doing it just so that he can hang with her without her family kicking her out of her home and not paying for her to go to school.

Yes, please don't forget the ugly way he treated you. While he may be acting like an addict with the A, pushing you is a pretty good sign - of LACK of character. Your children deserve better than that, and they need to learn NOT to be like him.

I hope you told her, or will tell her, "No, honey, you don't have to tell him anything except exactly what you are thinking."

ETA, just removing yourself from him and setting up someone to help be your go-between so you no longer have to talk to him should be good for a little while, but I think you will get some emotional relief by giving him a letter. Give yourself the weekend to come up with something.

Also, have you been to a lawyer just to set things up so he can't take anything from you financially? Better be safe than sorry. It sounds like he just might try to ruin you no matter how it affects the kids.

Where is his other child? I missed that one.

Surviving An Affair has a Plan B letter in it. If you want I can copy it and post it on here for you? Also, you might want to post your letter on here first to get some advice on it. I've seen a few Plan B letters on different threads on here.

Yes, if you could post the letter, that would be great. Also, my WH went to the library today to get divorce papers (is that possible?) and now wants me to sign them so he can file. I said NO and he won't stop calling.

He spoke with my mother and she told him that she feels I should sign the papers so I can get on with my life and get rid of him! However, I don't want to. He is a creep, a jerk, a liar, and a manipulator, but when I said my vows I meant them. *sigh* I can't decide if I should just give up or what. I really thought that God was telling me to keep trying, but maybe he wasn't. I don't know.

DD10 told me that she doesn't want her dad and I to get a D and that she misses him being in the house. I asked her if she had told him this and she said no. I told her that he needs to know how you feel too, but she thinks that he doesn't care. She said that he knows that DD12 is mad at him and he doesn't care. I told her that I think he does, but he doesn't know how to fix it.

OW's mother has FORBIDDEN her to speak to or see my WH. OWM said that she wants someone better for her daughter and that if she finds out she has anything to do with him she will kick OW out and not pay for her to go to school. I wonder if this will help? OWM said I'm probably better off without my WH anyway LOL. She was giving me advice as if she were MY mom haha it was funny! She seems like a very nice woman. I do feel sorry that she was dragged into this, but it was the OW's and WH's fault, not mine.

I know the divorce laws vary from state to state. But I don't remember signing anything when my H filed papers. From what I recall, he filed the papers and then I was served with them and had an alloted time to respond. I could be wrong my head was a mess during that time.

Do NOT sign anything without getting a lawyers advice. Your H may be trying to get you to sign them so that it benifits him someway.

Good for OWM! But OW is only 19 and most likely will not listen to her. At least her life will be made more difficult.

Does your WH have a job? Does he give you any support?

Your probably right about OW, but I know that she is daddy's little girl and really respects her family, so who knows. Hopefully, she will listen to OWM, who sounds a lot like my own mom. LOL my mom told me to hurry and get the divorce overwith so that I can get on with my life and get back to normal.

Yes, WH does have a job and he has been giving me child support, so that is a good thing. However, he asked today if he had to pay it even if he wasn't ordered to yet. I said I wasn't sure, but they would probably go back to when he left and start from there.

Okay here is the plan B letter from Surviving an Affair.

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greag once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

You really need to order the book and read it from cover to cover. It will help you immensely during this difficult time.

Yeah I need to do that. Blah WH keeps calling me today. He is really being harrassing.