When my H started calling me all the time and being crazy there was a lot of anger in his voice. I told him he needed to figure out why he was so angry with me. He actually took my advice and went to a counselor to work on getting over his anger. Afterall we had to figure out how to get along for the kids. I am very lucky that he got a good counselor and it made all the difference in the world.

What does your WH say he is calling about? Does he have real reasons or is he just making stuff up so he can call and vent on you?

He's basically just calling to vent on me. He is upset that I told the oldest two girls that he had left because he wanted to "associate" (his word) with another woman. He is now saying that I took it out of context and he didn't say it that way. He says that I took their love and trust from them. AHHHH!!! I could just scream!! Is he pissed because I've ruined his plans (he can never have an actual relationship with OW, her parents would disown her, they would have to sneak around all the time, neither makes much money, and it would get old) and everyone knows? He is trying to make me feel bad for telling everyone everything.

Spoke to FIL. He is going to talk with my WH tonight and try to get the full story and find out what is going on. He has said that if WH doesn't pay child support, continue to work, and get his butt in school he is not going to be able to stay at their house. LOL, it sounds like my WH is back to being a teenager

You need to get a plan going. I'm certain your hubby will be back, but I sure as H wouldn't take him back before he is working steadily, willing to have some boundaries and is making some amends to you and his family.

You certainly don't want him back because it is the easiest thing to do.

Have you read the thread "Pretty Good Plan B post from 1999 - GOOD STUFF" that Princessmeggy started? It has a link to Plan B 101. I didn't read the whole thread, but it looks like there are examples of Plan B letters and details on what you need to do to implement Plan B.

No, I haven't but I will go looks at it. *sigh* I'm tired, but I think pretty resigned at this point. I keep thinking, maybe I have been acting crazy and irrational and maybe I never will be good for anyone if that is how I am. Then I think, if I really loved my WH wouldn't I want him to be happy? Did I expose and try to ruin everything with him and the OW for purely selfish reasons? Did I just not want someone else to have him? These things have been running through my head all morning.

FIL must have had a long hard talk with my WH last night. He called me early this morning "just to talk". He told me about school and apologized for being such a jerk (it sounded forced, but maybe he was making an effort). Of course, he is probably only being nice so that he can try to sponge my laptop off of me, but it's not going to work this time If he wants a computer he can go buy one himself. I am done being the one taking care of him. He wants out and wants a divorce, then he can take care of himself (which he isn't even doing since he is living at the in laws).

On a good note though; he is talking about getting back on his medications for depression and ADD and also going to individual counseling (well I informed him that he would have to go if he wanted to get his medication, as he doesn't have insurance and the only place that is based on your income makes you go to counseling BEFORE you can even see a doctor to prescribe meds). Maybe doing all these things will wake him up, I don't know. As I've said in previous posts, I don't even know if I want him to be with him. The larger part of me doesn't, but there is a small part that loves him so. However, I'm getting used to be alone and not having to cater or worry about what he wants. I like it that the girls and I can watch girly shows on tv (like America's Next Top Model....woohoo finally a fuller figured girl won!!!) and not have to listen to his crap about how he doesn't want to watch it and why can't we go upstairs so he can use the big screen to play his video games. *sigh* Today WILL be a good day!

DD12 and DD10 are mine from a previous relationship but they call him Dad. DD5 is mine and my WH's. THEN, we have the bouncing baby boy that likes to roll around in my tummy

Dear WH -

I apologize to you for helping to create an environment that made it possible for you to get emotionally involved with someone else. I know now all those things I was lacking in and I understand now how important it was that I meet all your emotional and physical needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and I threw negative words out at you. Now we are both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Heather once and for all.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult time of my life. I’ve been paralyzed by my fear that you will turn to someone else completely for the things that I know I can give you and my hurt that you would seek out and find someone else instead of me. However, I have the memories of all the wonderful times we have spent together, your awesome qualities that made me fall in love with you and commit to spend the rest of my life with you, and thoughts of us being together again, happily. Unfortunately, those thoughts and feelings are slowly going away as I hurt more and more, knowing that you are turning to Heather for your emotional needs and turning away from me. So, for self preservation, I have to separate myself from you completely.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You have to know the deep pain and humiliation I feel because of your choice of another woman and to not work out our relationship at this time. I simply cannot be in contact with you if I am to preserve any love for you, if I am to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our relationship the best chance possible.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I just cannot help you or be near you as long as you are involved with someone else.

I love you, value you, and support you. I believe in your ability to make the best decision for yourself and our family.

Love,
Ayane


OMG, I cry every time I read that. I would be so darn emotional if someone sent me a letter of that sort. What do you guys think?

I think your letter sounds good. But you did not address who you will have as the intermediary (sp?). Below is the paragraph from the plan B letter in SAA that pertains to this.

"Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul. "

Also, I was just reading on the Plan B 101 thread about how you should go into Plan while your WS has good thoughts and feelings about you. So I don't know if you should be going into Plan B after having the fights that the two of you have had recently. On the other hand I really don't see what other choice you have if he is acting this, you need to protect yourself and bring some peace to your home.

I wish some posters with more experience would chime in here.

I don't know what else to do to keep my sanity and to stop even more LB'ing. We have spoken today with no fighting, but I think that we are both just emotionally and mentally tired and ready to stop the arguing. Isn't it true though that if you can still make this person so angry there are still feelings there?

My friend tells me to be detached and disinterested with him. That would upset him more than anything.

I'm getting a lot of opposition from my family and friends about Plan B (I sent the letter and there is no getting it back now). They think that I am stupid to even say that I want to rebuild our marriage, that I am looking like a desperate, silly woman. God, I hope not. *sigh* Now, they have made me feel like it, when I felt that the letter was perfect before. At least that way I could say that I didn't give up and I tried my best to work things out. I can say that HE was the one who f'ed up.

Your family and friends are speaking out of their concern and love for you. It is hard for many people to understand why a BS would want to remain married to their WS, that is until they are put into that situation.

I always said I would not tolerate being cheated on. Well all that changed when it meant loosing my little family.

What a lot of people don't see is that people can change. I think your WH will wake up one morning and think what the heck was I thinking. It may or may not be too late at that point.

Everyone likes to say people don't change. But I can say for sure my H and I have both changed a lot in the last year. We have both matured and both see how important our marriage is to us. So it is not true that people don't change. They just have to want it for themselves. What is true is that you cannot change someone else, only yourself.

Well, WH just called (I took the call since he hasn't received the letter yet and won't until tomorrow or Saturday at the latest) and he was pulled over by the cops. LMAO. He had a speeding ticket a year ago that I repeatedly tried to get him to pay. He also has no insurance since it was in my name and I took him off of it. In the state of KY, it's required. So, he could very likely be going to jail. I said well, either you or your dad let me know what happens and hung up.

WH called me back asking me to come pick him up. Apparently his license plates were expired so he wasn't driving anymore tonight. I wonder why he didn't call any of his friends? Oh yeah, because he knows who the people he can count on are and that would be me and his parents. *sigh* He said very, very little as I took him and his friend over to another of his friends. He thanked me, but I could tell he wasn't happy about any of it. Haha, it amuses me, though. Who has his back? NOT the OW, but his horrible, crazy, irrational wife, as usual. I'm sure it bothers him that he has to ask me for stuff like that, especially after the big blowup Tues. and yesterday.

When he gets that letter he won't be able to do stuff like this anymore. I won't even answer my phone.

WH is back. H snuck in a little last night, but now that he's sobered up, H is gone. My WH called last night at 2am wanting to talk and get advice from me about what he could do in this situation. He said that he valued my opinion, blah, blah, blah. He had lots to say. He thanked me profusely for supporting him, being there for him, and continuing to do so. Well, not the WH of this morning! I took him to pick up his car and he didn't talk the whole way there, then he called when he got home (I followed since he asked me to) to say thanks and that was it. Surly little fellow, eh? Oh well, it was nice to see a little of H sneak back in last night. BUT (and you guys should be proud cuz I am) I had NO EXPECTATIONS when he called me and I was completely calm last night and this morning. I'm so proud of myself! He did say last night, "I know that you don't care one way or another about this" and I didn't even respond. He kind of had a .... after saying that as though expecting me to reply, but I just kept quiet. H only seems to come out when he is drinking, so what is the point in saying anything anyway? WH will disregard it come morning.

Your last post reminds me that if you keep working on your side, watching LBs, etc., you're building the best possible chance for him to see the error of his ways. In other words, the better person you are, the better you'll look to him (and everyone else). Plus you'll like yourself better. So slow and steady, eh?

How are you doing physically?

I think you are doing great. I think your WH asking you for help is a big deal. I also think that what he says when he is drinking is a big deal.

I think it is great that your WH is seeing you in a good light before he gets the plan B.

Did you revise the letter to make it clear that you will not be taking his calls and that he needs to make arrangements with an intermediary to see the kids?

I'm doing great, just tired a lot. Thanks so much for asking As of today, I only have 11 weeks to go!!! I've been eating a lot better and gaining weight, yay.

Slow and steady is definitely the way to do it, I just usually have problems with that. However, that is something that would be perfect for me to work on at this time...patience and less impulsiveness.

I do like myself better when I can look back on what I did and said and not feel like perhaps I could have been less crazy or irrational seeming (even if I had reason or really wasn't acting that way except in his head and my head). Calm, cool, and collected is much better.

I've always said that what he says and does when he is drinking and less inhibited (but not totally trashed) means something. Since this started, when he drinks he is kind, sweet, wonderful, very nearly my H of old. It's when he is sober and his brain is working that he is the cold, heartless, lying WH. I don't understand how he can be that sweet person on the inside, but only show this other person on the outside when sober. I also think the reason he was short and cold this morning is because he was thinking too much about what he said and did last night and maybe even regretted it, I don't know. It's no use wondering why, when there is no why, there is only the WH.

Yep, I revised the letter telling him to contact my mom and he can deposit child support directly into my checking account and get a receipt that way. I'm actually kind of excited about Plan B at this moment. I think that he will definitely miss having my support and help especially since the only people he has ever been able to count on are his parents and myself. His friends are mostly p*theads and a little out there anyway. So, he doesn't really have anyone to give him good advice or anything.

I'm excited about Plan B, but nervous also. Especially after all the contact last evening and early this morning. I know that I don't have to hear what he has to say since I don't have to answer the phone, etc, but I'm afraid that he will call my girl's cell phone and attempt to put them in the middle by telling them that he HAS to talk to me, that it's an emergency. He has done that before. I can just imagine that he is going to be angry. Of course, I could be totally wrong and he will be happy to have no contact, but I don't think so. I'm just nervous.

Were any of you guys that way too?

So what is your plan, are you going to keep taking his calls until he calls you and says he got your letter? Keep in mind that although the letter was emotional for you to write, it may make him angry.

What are you going to do if he lies to the kids and says he needs to talk to you and he says it is an emergency?