Wow, what a post by Krazy...Admittedly, that took my breath away for a minute...Then I stepped back and realized that it's likely true...I called Mr. W for confirmation...He is not as abrupt as Krazy in his wording, but we discussed it and realized that really it was very true for BOTH of us at that point...Neither one of us was truly "present" with the other...Wayward me was certainly a million miles away...Mr. W was "there" because he could be-"So There!"...It was just sex at that point...

BUT...

Mr. W pointed out that there comes a time in recovery that you have to stop treating your wife as an object...For us, this coincided with my becoming remorseful and present with him-It works in tandem...Lovemaking then resumes and is VERY healing...Intimate conversation helped both of us get there and continues to draw us closer today-NOTHING is off limits between us...We both understand so much more now...Both freely giving of ourselves to the other...completely...

Krazy's post is one that I'm glad I read-made me think, I appreciate that...It reminds me of something Noodle once said here...Paraphrasing: "If a WS really knew what went on in the mind of a BS, they would always sleep with one eye open." That is simultaneously funny and true, from what I've learned...

Mrs. W

Ah, yes Noodle.

She does have a way with the English language.

As a longtime user of Vitamin-V and its cousins, I suggest not using it unless you really have to, and if you're not really suffering from ED, start with a lower dose (25mg - buy 50mg tablets and use a pill-splitter). Not only can the effects be psychologically addictive, women generally don't like to have sex with a truncheon, if you get my drift. You'll also reduce the chance of getting the morning headaches by keeping the dose low.

Yup - roger-wilco

I completely AGREE

Of course the cooties I snuffed were female gender - cootercooties (can I get away with that? we'll soon find out) I am, naturally, speaking about “Cooter” from television’s The Dukes of Hazzard .... in case you were wondering....

anywho - where was I ???

oh - yeah - snuffing cooties - I used a rodeo-riding-cowgirl as my visual - I got on and I let that buck know who's boss and who ain't
I rode that thang'till I busted it. If it twern't black 'n blue ... I wasn't finished 'till it 'twas....

ya'know - this just makes me laff writing this -

this phase did not last all that long .... no former BH was permanently harmed in the breaking of that bull --- it did scare the bejeeezezz outta him --- I think my head spun completely around --- but, just that one time ....

and people who have never experienced this --- just will not "get" how near violent gut-busting down 'n dirty bumping uglies actually helps forward marriage recovery after infidelity ....

but - it's true


Pep

Er, Conan goes Krazy. . ...... .. ..... ROFLMAO

Larry

Yea, okay, pay attention to MiM's further specification.

and. . .


Which is why I originally recommended Vitamin V as MiM calls it - and the further reason is that trunchon is required for what both me and Krusht suggested.

In point of fact, I recommended both dating AND Conan. Sorta like hit em high and hit em low for maximum effect, or something like that.

Oh, and I have this image of PeP and high boots with a saddle whip yelling giddiup. Is she staring in a comedy club near you?

Larry

Well, in the spirit of reclaiming SF, I summoned the courage to have the STD talk last night. I was nervous. She was hurt, angry, and I think a little embarrassed. But, in the end everything worked out and she is trying to get in to her Dr, today, to have the tests. Hopefully everything turns out okay, because everyone’s posts yesterday have me, ah, ready to reclaim what is rightfully mine. But, from what you guys are suggesting I may need clearance from my Dr to engage in that level of exertion at my age.

After her initial reaction, we actually had a really good talk. I think she may be starting to finally get it. She’s got a long way to go, but she’s making progress. She finally admitted that what she did was wrong. She has apologized for hurting me in the past few weeks, but she has never truly owned her actions and recognized that her affair was wrong. She claims to understand that she was wrong, but says that she still gets angry with me sometimes because she felt abandoned and unneeded. I guess when you realize that you were duped and used as a disposable toy for someone’s enjoyment it makes it easier to swallow if you can put some of the blame on someone else. I simply told her once again that I will own my responsibility for the condition of our marriage, but that the fault for her affair lies solely on her shoulders.

I also told her that I was willing to do the hard work to make myself a better person and a better husband, but that if this marriage was going to survive that she had to do her share of the heavy lifting. She says she understands, but I guess time will tell. I also asked her a number of specific affair questions and I believe she answered them honestly based on the info I’ve been able to get from OMW and several former coworkers. Nothing earth shattering, but I purposely tossed her a few softballs to see if she would be honest. We’ll get to the more difficult questions in the next few weeks.

Good job, I'm relieved that things went well.

At your age you better be CERTAIN to get a physical before you try to emulate Pep. :eek:

RB65

Well, I see things going very well for you, initially. Without question, you are handling things as a mature grownup should. In the process, you are doing the right things for you and your family.

Just a prediction: you are going to go to 90% recovery pretty quickly, more quickly than average, then more slowly, until you find a hanging point, a plateau, where you will sit for an indefinite time. Frankly, a lot depends on what your wife does, which is just obvious.


communication. . .

If someone is unhappy, they have an obligation to so say, especially as males cannot read minds. As a guy, you have focus on earning a living. At times, that means a partial neglect of what a woman might want for intimacy since so much of your energy is spent making a living, something does NOT come without effort.

It is all a compromise. Maximising income has a price. A spouse has to realize that the standard of living might take a hit if their partner places more emphasis on family, depending on the job demands, etc.

I too was partially neglecting my wife during a period of time when my business was falling apart. She says she tried to tell me. I don't remember those conversations. I suspect she used female speak instead of the direct language that males require and I further suspect that she would not have been ready for me to tell her that our income required me to continue as I was or we would not be able to pay all our bills.

So you share 50/50 the state of the marriage that triggered her weakness(es), but as you say and as must be said, she made the choices to give it up to someone else, poor choice that it was. Blame shifting is exactly that, blame shifting.

It is easy to grow apart. It is hard to stay together given the demands on our time these days. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a high level, protected government job where the income is assured no matter what. Not everyone is lucky enough to have income that exists without much effort.

One phase you will hit is the "Honeymoon." This is the stage just about every recovering couple hits at some point in time and this is where you reclaim whatever level of mutual clinging together you will achieve. The suggestions presented that focus on vigor are intended to make that time a good one.

Larry

"Tranlated: F her like a porn star."

Krazy's helpful addition to the MB principal

Whew! Its so nice to see something in writing that describes what I was always afraid to say about me and my wife's recovery.

I loved seeing this post Krazy because I snickered and snorted with a grin because i know exactly what you are talking about.

I actually can relate that even her ...grooming down there had to change because ... I wanted something different about her that... was unique again to just us.

TMI... maybe but you started it.

Don't worry...you're not the only one. I wonder how common this is.

Well, this can’t be good. I just got a call from DD19 who went to Dr with WW for moral support. She doesn’t know what’s up, but wanted me to come home because WW came out of Dr’s office in tears. She won’t tell DD19 what’s wrong until she talks to me.

So, I’m closing up shop and heading home to see what nightmare awaits this time. I want off of this crazy ride right now. But, I’m guessing that it’s not even close to being over at this point.

I just hope it isn't a pregnancy, that will open up a completely new set of issues for you, and you've already got your hands MORE than full at this time.

I'm hoping her guilt just caught up with her, since shes now facing actual reality. Maybe just having to look at her doctor and having to answer medical questions cleared some of the fog??

No matter what it is, I am sure its going to alot of energy to deal with whats waiting at home.

Hoping for the best

Bobby

I am rush posting this, I don't remember if you ever got ahold of OMW but if your wife has a STD, OMW needs to be told ASAP.

Oh, I hope not..... That flashed across my mind, but let's hope not. Why don't these WS's THINK?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praying she is just upset.

Think about what Believer, consequences? Why that would take all the, er, fun out of it. Maybe I ought to start a thread and name it consequences to see how many could be listed.

Larry

RB65

We are here for you whatever it is. This place is like having hundreds of best friends looking out for you.

Larry

Apparently you guys are way more perceptive than I am. I go home prepared to deal with the STD train wreck only to find out that’s not the problem. Now, my 42y/o WW is PREGNANT. It has to be OM’s because I had the big V over 10 years ago. Of course I LB big time with statements like, “how could you be so stupid, I would expect this out of a teenager but not a supposedly well educated intelligent adult, and I hope you’re happy because now the kids and I have to be reminded everyday how you single handedly destroyed this family.” All she could do was keep saying “I’m sorry” and crying, but at this point sorry is just not god enough.

I finally just told her that I needed to just go for a while and we could talk about this later when I had a chance to get myself together. As it would happen, as I was getting into my car, my friend and Pastor called to remind me that we were supposed to get together tonight to talk about this mess. So, I decided the best thing was to keep the appointment and see if he had any suggestions to help.

He was actually a lot of help. He reminded me that when we talked at lunch on Monday, that I had been ready to forgive WW and move on to recover our marriage. He also reminded me that at that time I knew about her affair, I knew that she had unprotected sex with OM, I knew a lot about how the affair started and many of the details. His next question was “what has she done since yesterday to change where you were at.” Of course, I reminded him that she is PREGNANT. He then explained that her pregnancy was a consequence of her past actions and that she had actually done nothing else to change the situation. She had only found out information about something that we all knew, whether we admitted it or not, could be a result of her past actions.

He also reminded me that while God hates divorce, that I certainly had every right to divorce her given the circumstances. But, he also told me that since I was totally committed to reconciliation before this announcement that maybe I shouldn’t give up hope just yet. I left and dove around thinking about it for awhile and came to the conclusion that he was right. I don’t know if I can deal with this speed bump or not. But, I need to give it a try.

When I got home, WW was still up and looked like she had been crying all night. I told her that I really couldn’t talk about all of this now, but that we would talk about it after work today. I am clearing my calendar and taking the afternoon off to talk with her while the 2 younger kids are at school. I also told her that we would try to get through this somehow. I know that given the fact that we both are strongly opposed to abortion, the only alternatives left are to keep the baby or put it up for adoption. I just don’t know at this point if I can help raise OM’s child. Now, not only do I have the picture of the 2 of them together etched into my brain for a trigger, but now I have to be reminded of this every time I see a pregnant women or a small child.

Can someone please explain to me how a 42 y/o Christian, well educated women could be so stupid as to risk her future and her family’s future over a few romps with a married man in the back of a car and on the floor of a vacant house?

I was afraid that's what it was. STD test results generally aren't available the same day, but we all know that a pregnancy test can be done in minutes.

I'm sorry for this latest development. Just calm down before you make any decisions. Try to avoid LBs even if you don't want to stay married, just to be the bigger person. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes, but I'll pray for you and I know that you will be alright and make the right decisions.

By the way, there are plenty of people on this forum that are raising someone else's child, so if you need to talk to someone about it, there is a wealth of resources available.