RB, I am so sorry and I am astounded by your composure in the face of this development. This was my worse nightmare during my wifes affair. Unfortunately this is pretty common and there are a lot of people here who can help you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

I sorry to say that I went to bed last night guessing you WW was pregnant. It is most likely the OM's. Though I have known of where vasectomy's turn out to not be 100% effective. Also cases were reported that after time the V had reversed themselves.

This is why I recommend that you get your Doc to check your sperm count. Not to raise false hopes. But take any shot you have.

I do not remember the details of your post so I ask: Has your WW gone NC with the OM and when was the date? Did your WW know that she has missed any of her periods and when was the date of the first period did WW miss? Point is did: WW suspect being pregnant before she got caught and dumped by the OM?

Given your statement about abortion above, I can tell you we will look at this from opposite perspectives, and that is my intent here ... not to argue with you to get you to see my perspective, but to offer an alternative way of looking at things. I RESPECT you for how you've handled this so far and feel comfortable that you will make the correct decision for YOU. You have my complete sympathy.

With that said, from my perspective, your WW just presented you with what I would consider a "deal breaker". Knowing what I now know about the pain of recovery from adultery, I simply COULDN'T, and WOULDN'T even attempt to raise OM's child. Also, because of the triggers that you mentioned, I wouldn't even be able to stay while my WW carried OM's baby to term in order to give it up for adoption.

After reading some of the stories here about BH's raising OM's children, I've given this topic quite a bit of introspection. I understand you have different beliefs, but for me, my WW would either have to fully agree to an immediate abortion or I would have no choice but to divorce.

You have impressed us with your strength in handling this matter. Your actions indicate a lot of strength, pride and self-respect. While these qualities are GREAT in my book, they will make attempting to raise another man's child nearly impossible. Please consider the amount of pure pain you will have to endure for the rest of your life. You will likely never be able to have a normal relationship with your WW ever again. This could very well destroy you from within.

I understand that I will likely get a few harsh responses from other posters, but I don't intend to argue this point, just offer my perspective for your consideration.

I'm just so sorry for you ... you deserve so much better than to have to face this awful circumstance.

I only have a moment, but I'll try to answer your questions.

She has been NC for a little over 3 weeks, not totally because she wanted to but because OM has ignored her and sent a letter with his wife telling her to leave them alone.

She has only missed 1 period and is actually only a couple of weeks late. That's not unusualy for her in the past 10 years since she has been off of the pill.

I don;t think she suspected this. Over the past few days, she has been gettign a lot closer to the way she was pre-affair. She truly appeared to be devastated by the news.

I'm stil just struggling with how she could let this happen. I look at her suffering and at first I feel some compassion and the next breath, I'm hoping that ghe will have morining sickness everyday to remind her of what she has done.

RB, when you agreed to work on the marriage, you did not know she was pregnant. That nullifies your previous agreement. That adds a whole new dynamic to the mix which makes this much more than adhering to an agreement, but more about what you can ENDURE. This can cause more resentment than some people can ENDURE. You have a God granted OUT of this marriage if you choose and would be fully justified if you left.

My suggestion is to make no decision and commit to nothing while you are under extreme duress. I would take at least 6 weeks to make a decision. But you are NOT beholden to a promise that was made WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS. You simply ARE NOT.

As far as the childs future, I would take a strong look at ADOPTION. Abortion is an abomination that only compounds the crime. Murder is not a solution to adultery, and more evil is not the answer to evil. With adoption, the child would have a fresh start in a family that has no baggage. If you keep the child you may be looking at a lifelong future with the OM and you may be forever reminded of the affair. A very tough situation.

I am very sorry for you and your wife, RB. And for this unborn child.

What terrible news. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through. As for how she could be so stupid? Well people in affair seldom think past the present moment. I sure didn’t when I was in an affair. And I am just lucky my OW didn’t end up like your wife. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

You need to begin to make practical decisions on how you are going to deal with this. Are you going to stay married to her? Are you going to raise this child as your own? If so, I wouldn't even tell the OM about the pregnancy. He can't challenge paternity if he doesn’t know she is pregnant by him.

Perhaps you want to put him on the line financially for the child and force him to pay child support. This will of course involve lawyers and family court. It will also allow him to get visitation of the child. Can you deal with that?

Would your wife REALLY put the child up for adoption? Would the OM let her if he knew it was his child? I certainly can’t speak for most women, but I do know that my wife would never put a child of hers up for adoption, no matter who sired it. It would emotionally kill her to do so. She would divorce me if I tried to force her to do that.

There are men that can and do raise a child sired by another man. Some seem to be able to see beyond the sin and just love the child. That type of altruism amazes me, but I am cut from a lesser cloth. I would have to punt and just divorce. I think.

How will you explain this to your kids?

What heartbreaking news RB. I'm very sorry to hear this.

I personally do not think I would be willing to raise OMs child. Having never been in that situation, I can't say for sure, but I think that would be a deal breaker for me. Of course, parts of my own situation would probably be a deal breaker for others, and everyone says prior to experience infidelity in thier lives that it would be a deal breaker for them and the truth is that it isn't usually, so it really is impossible for anyone that hasn't "been there" to know what they would do.

I personally am against abortion in general, not for spiritual reasons, but I do disagree with it. I think though that I would not rule it out if I were in a similar situation. I know this goes against the very strong beliefs of many here, and I understand and to some extent agree with them, but I have to be honest with you, I would consider it.

I'm wishing you the best in what must be one of the toughest situations I can imagine. There are many here that have walked this road before you, I'm sure they will be able to help you make the right decision.

RB65,

Once again, I can relate. Although my daughter has been proven to be mine after the fact, my W was 6 weeks pregnant (intentionally) when I walked in on her.

The A ruined the entire pregnancy for both of us. I refused to get attached to my daughter, or even the idea of her, until I knew she was mine.

I did this because I knew if she wasn't mine, I was gone. There was NO WAY I was going to raise OM's child. I knew that as long as I lived I'd always look at her and think of OM. That wouldn't have been fair to me or the baby.

In my case, I was lucky. She turned out to be mine. In your case, already knowing it isn't yours, I don't know what to tell you. People think it takes a lot to stay with a WS, but that's nothing compared to raising OM's child. I couldn't do it.

Whatever you decide, make sure OM and his W know he's got another baby out there. Maybe you can even make him help pay for it financially. Please don't let him off the hook, though.

Runnerboy, I probably don't even need to say this, but I want to just point out that morals are not something we apply only when they are convenient. You and I both know what the EASY thing [in the short run, not in the long run when the ole conscience kicks in] to do would be, but it is not the RIGHT thing to do. For anyone. it wouldn't be the right thing for the child, and it wouldn't be the right thing for your CONSCIENCES. It would set a horrible example for your kids.

Your family needs you more than ever to be a man of principle in times of crisis, not just when its easy and convenient. Having an abortion might be the easy thing, but it would simply be compounding the crime.

Giving the child up for adoption would be an act of decency, character, sacrifice and generosity. I hope and pray your wife can rise to the challenge.

What a tragic mess.

I couldn't do it. I could forgive infidelity, but I know I couldn't raise OM's child.

Seeing that child would remind me every day of the adultery.

What's going to happen when the child is acting up? Throwing tantrums? Doing the things kids do?

With my kids? Not a problem. It's part of fathering children.

Someone else's kid? Sorry. See ya later.

The thing is that you could divorce her and the family court system would rule to screw you with child support for this kid.

The courts are put into a tough situation on this and there are no easy answers. The child is an innocent victim of this adultery. You are a victim of adultery.

Can you set your feelings aside and raise this child as your own if necessary?

Does your love for your W go deep enough to do this?

Can you check your own fertility for the remote possiblity that you have your V reversed naturally (it happens)?

Could your W handle giving the child up for adoption? Could you give the OM full custody?

Perhaps you can nail him for CS to support the child while having him out of your life. I don't know the legalities.

I can see this taking it's toll.

If my W got pregnant with OM's child I can't see myself jumping out of bed to feed and change diapers. I'd see it as, "hey, it's your kid, not mine, you take care of it."

Callous? Or simply reality?

I don't think I could do it. But why should your children suffer and have their parents split?

What selfish people these waywards are. The shortsightedness is amazing.

I'll never forget looking at my W, moments after walking in on her, and screaming at her that, "She might as well abort that thing right now".

It's such an awful situation.

Keep it and raise it as your own? Jesus himself would be hard-pressed to do such a thing, in my opinion. Some men do, but even I, as a BH trying to piece things back together, see them as completely castrated doormats. The ultimate cake-eating situation for the WW. Let OM knock her up, and let the sucker at home pay for it. OM has the fun, you get to suffer for years on end. Even the BH's that claim to "love the child as their own" appear to be fooling themselves...putting on an act to get by without losing their family.

Adoption? You can plan for it all you want, but in all likelyhood after carrying the baby around for the better part of a year, she won't give it up. Even if she did, it would forever be used as ammunition against you. SHE gave up her precious child just for YOU.

Abortion...see above, only with added guilt thrown in. In my case, if I'd known she wasn't mine, I would've agreed to it, even though I don't approve of abortion. I support the right of others to choose it, however.

It's a lose-lose-lose scenario, in my opinion, but whatever you decide, DO NOT let OM off the hook. At the very least let his W know that he knocked up his mistress. OM deserves to have his home turned as upside-down as your is.

The worst thing would be the subconscious knowledge of the child that he or she isn't wanted. It would shine through in everything you guys do, and that child would be doomed to an unhappy, if not neurotic, life, with her alone (if you divorce) or with the two of you.

There are thousands of people out there who wait endlessly for a baby to adopt.

I agree with every word of this.

Please do not make up your mind until you have given yourself AMPLE time to process this nightmare. Some guys could handle this, others couldn't, and it doesn't make you any more of.. or any less of.. a man either way. For me personally, divorce or adoption would seem most practical. BUT this is about you and what you need to do.
I am so sorry. My best advice right now is pray for enlightenment on the right thing to do. My heart aches for you, your family and for this baby.

I'm so sorry Runnerboy. You know, I've been following your thread because you have done everything right and it has been working. In this short time, I've come to really admire you. You certainly don't deserve what has just been handed to you. This whole scenario shows just how selfish WSs really are. It makes me understand a little why in some countries, they stone you for adultery. Whatever you decide to do, you have a lot of support and respect here.

I really have no clue as to what I'm going to do. I was so excited about the progress I have seen over the past few days only to have the rug pulled out from under me. This is so different from just the infidelity with so many more long-term issues to think about.

While I appreciate everyone's opinion, I know for sure that abortion is not the answer and I would argue with WW if she even brought it up. Whether the child is mine or not, it is innocent in all of this and killing the child is not the answer.

I pride myself on my strength of character and my ability to handle almost everything that's thrown at me. But, this is more difficult and painful than anything I have ever had to face. My emotions are just swinging from one extreme to the other. I guess I'll just have to see what this afternoon brings.

I do want to recover my marriage even though I know it would be much easier to just give up. I know that I have the strength to get beyond her infidelty. I just don't know if I can endure 9 months of pregnancy and raising another man's child. I also don't know that if we can somehow save our marriage, that I will not always harbor resentment for her and ths child. Adoption seems like a really good alternative to me, but knowing how much WW loves our children, I don't know if she has the strength to give up this child. This afternoon, I've decided to just lay everything out on the table and see how she deals with everything. Her response will determine if I think I can stick this out and try a little longer or if it's time to just throw in the towel. At this point, I will need for her to do a lot more of the heavy lifting if she wants me to stay.

And let me add..

If you think there is a good chance you will not work this out, you will need proof soon, that this is not your baby, before you get stuck with 18 years of child support.

So sorry, RunnerBoy. Now you need to take your time and not make any quick decisions. I'm so relieved that you don't believe in abortion, because I feel that would be a terrible burden to carry the rest of your lives.

However, there is a lot to consider. Please check with an attorney and see what the law is in your state. If you agree to raise this child, and something happens in your marriage, you may be on the hook for child support for the next 18 years.

If you decide to inform the OM's wife, which I would certainly do, he may have rights to see the child. I think he does need to be paying child support, but at what cost to your marriage and family?

You and your wife decided NOT to have any more children and now you are faced with a late in life pregnancy. OM and your wife made THAT decision for you.

Adoption would seem like the best option. We all know there are millions of couples that can't have a child. If your wife LOVES children so much, maybe she will think about what is best for this child and her family.

This whole thing will be exremely painful to everyone involved. There is no way to get around that.

I don't know much about the adoption process, but you two should have plenty of time to think about it.

It's tough that you're not supposed to make any major decisions for at least 6 months after d-day, yet here you are. A new BH and a pregnant WW, forced to make a huge life-altering decision in the middle of this mess.

There are many intelligent, good people here. I may not be one of them, but there are people here that can probably help...at least as much as a stranger can help in such a situation.

To the people who are posting that DO NOT have an OC, you do NOT know your breaking point, or your point of no return UNTIL YOU ARE FACED WITH THE EXACT SAME SCENARIO.

Runnerboy, there is a worse scenario than a child. I know it's hard to believe, but there is. It involves disease and death.

You and your wife need not make any decisions right now. Now, you need to wrap your mind around the fact that your lives have been changed forever. After you are able to do that, THEN you need to weigh your options.

Having an OC in your life does not necessarily make you a doormat. As with everything regarding these issues, it's your actions or lack thereof that determine your rug status. I want you to know that.

I also caution you toward making the OC known to the OM for now. While there are many people here that loathe the duplicity of keeping a DNA child from their donor, I've personal experience, and witnessed other's experiences, and think that not all donors are GOOD for their progeny to know. But again, that isn't a decision for now.

I will only say that my husband's adultry did have it's blessings for me. I look upon them every day. I kiss them goodbye and toddle them off to school. I see only them, and not their mother. They are worthy PEOPLE. They are little humans that have the same needs and wants as any other little human. Who am I to say no to that?

- Kimmy, never a doormat

You are a good and decent man, RB. It is in horrifically stressed times like this that the measure of man's character comes out. You are standing tall today regardless of whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage. Only you can make that decision for yourself because only you can understand what you can or can't endure. All marriages cannot be saved. But we do have some here who are raising OC and seem to be ok. [I say that very cautiously] I am trying to be honest with you.

I only hope that you don't make a decision now, but give this time to sink in.


You know, she might surprise you. A woman who does love her children, as she does, places the child's BEST INTEREST before her emotional satisfaction. It is never easy to give up a child, and I so greatly admire those women who have the strength of character to place the well being of a child before their own personal interests. They are true heroes.

I am bringing this up only because much of the focus seems to be on HER FEELINGS over the best interest of the child. If I were in her shoes it would be hard to focus AWAY from myself and onto the child, so I hope you can help steer her in that regard.