RB65
First of all, you are getting opinions and the feelings of those who have been (possibly) in your shoes. Because of the serious and devastating nature of an OM (or OW) child, there are not one but two forums on here specifically addressing the issue. It is hard to think clearly when the bullets are flying in your direction and they are my friend.
Up front, I will tell you that my wife and I faced this same situation although it turned out to be a non issue because she wasn't pregnant. But we discussed the possibility because she choose to have unprotected sex with the OM. I gave her my take at the time and she understood because I was very specific in my language without any yelling or LB beyond the simple fact that she had done something that could very well have destroyed more than just herself and we would find out in a few days or she could take a test immediately. I will tell you after my signature what I would have done.
Now you are facing the situation for real and my heart goes out to you. My heart also goes out to the innocent child that no matter what will be scared by the thoughtless actions of not only your WW but also of the cretin who impregnated her, the married man who cheated on his wife. He is obviously a person of no honor or integrity. I will get to him on down the page a bit.
Like others here, I do not agree with your Pastor. You have every right to change your mind about anything and everything based on facts as you discover. The new fact that your wife is pregnant changes the dynamics completely. By all means, tell him so in exactly the words you want to use (if you agree). If not, tell him what you think. He does sound like a person you can talk to who will give you other ways of looking at something just like many on this board will do including me.
And like several others, I would wait a bit before making any decision at all. In the face of extreme adversity, you are not thinking clearly and certainly have not settled in your emotions as to what this all means. You need time to digest and think.
You need time to sort out all the possibilities. And I will underline that time is your best friend as you face the toughest challenge in your life. And without question, your feelings are going be on a roller coaster - changing more than once as you go down the rocky road.
Can someone please explain to me how a 42 y/o Christian, well educated women could be so stupid as to risk her future and her family’s future over a few romps with a married man in the back of a car and on the floor of a vacant house?
As a matter of fact, I can answer your plea for understanding, if I may. Picture her situation as a person who, out of weakness, tried a drug of choice. In this case, it was a drug called Phenylethylamine (PEA). This is the Infatuation drug that occurs naturally in the brain and has characteristics of methamphetamines in terms of the way one's judgement center goes out of whack; history is rewritten, people do crazy things, and there is a natural high that obliterates any thought of consequences. Please note that I said "Drug of choice," as nobody made her take the step down the slippery road of addiction, she did it all on her own and flunked the test of honor, integrity and ethics. She also acted like a teenager in heat, not like a grownup, but that is par for the course for those who choose to get hooked.
There are many innocent victims of your wife's affair including you, your kids, this new child (who didn't ask for what might be a very uncertain future), Grandparents, the OMW and his family, and I wouldn't hesitate to point out that fact to your wife.
She needs to have it burned into her brain cells up front and right now that she cannot, nor will you allow her to, blame shift and dodge growing up for real, immediately. She has new life growing in her body. She no longer has any options, she must act in the best interests of those she has damaged forever to mitigate as much as possible the short and long term effects of her bad choices and decision(s).
Frankly, her feelings and excuses no longer draw any water. She must face reality, stark and total as it is, not as she might want to imagine that reality to be so she can retain whatever tatters of her self respect she is trying to retain. She must own her garbage 100%, period, right now and forever. This is the one place I will give you strong advice. The rest of my comments to you are intended to give you things to think about and nothing else as you muddle though sorting things out as best you can.
There is no way you pushed her to run out and get knocked up and if she chooses to go there, it is just going to make life more difficult for those she has acted to damage as listed.
BTW, I figured that she was pregnant and have been thinking about this since yesterday, examining how I felt at the time and how I processed my feelings, because processing your feelings is where you are and will be for some time. One thought I had was that you cannot allow yourself to accept the advice of others except AS FOR OTHERS, because none of those who will tell you their feelings are YOU, including, especially, me. Take what is said in as part of reaching a decision and of dealing with the total reality, not as guidance, because in this most difficult of choices you have in front of you, the only person who can really understand you, is you.
Here are some suggestions:
You owe OM nothing, zero, except to provide for him whatever he deserves, if you can. He too must own what he did, one way or the other. My mild recommendation would be to tell his wife and him and let him sweat as to what you are going to do. Nothing changes a person like being squeezed in the crucible of life's lessons, kinda like Marine Corp boot camp. Maybe it is time the cretin faced his own consequences.
At this point in time, you can probably destroy him. Since I do not know of his situation, I can make no recommendation. Perhaps his life needs destroying. He certainly deserves no respect since this apparently is not the first co-worker with whom he has had an affair. Does he have young children? Has he learned a lesson in life? What kind of person is his betrayed wife? Exactly what you do depends on the answers you will find in your heart and the best interest of the child that is growing in your wife.
Your wife has made her choices. Now it is your turn. She can make more choices if she wants, but the real choices are yours at this point in time. I believe you have the capacity to make the right choices based on the possible and not some super human path that even a Saint could not thread. This does not mean that you couldn't raise the kid with kindness and love. You might, but I don't know you well enough to even suggest that.
If it were me, and I am not you, this is what I believe I would eventually be of a mind to do given the circumstances as I understand them to be and part of the decision process does belong to your wife based on the choices YOU give her:
1. Have the child, elect to raise it as your own, put it up for adoption, or,
2. Lets divorce and I get custody of our kids; it is up to you to raise the new child and I will not interfere in that process or teach our own kids to hate him or her, but instead, to love him or her as their half brother or sister.
3. No abortion. I hate the thought of killing someone.
4. If you put it up for adoption, we will make every effort to restore a new relationship with each other for the sake of our kids and ourselves. With no guarantee, we may eventually be able to put this behind us.
5. We tell the OMW and the OM about the consequences of his affair(s) and let them deal with it as they will. Insist that HE pay for hospital and birth expenses as a start and if adoption, he put aside a fund to pay for college down the road.
That is all I can give you to think about at this time. As you have seen, there are a lot of people here ready and willing to help you anyway they can and those same people will be ready to help your WW if she chooses to use this forum resource.
Finally, you might want to call the Harley's. In fact, I would recommend it. They are specialists in this arena and the best there is for helping you deal with this most devasting reality that has through no fault of your own, landed in your lap and the lap of your family.
Larry
PS: Here is what I did. Based on a somewhat different situation from your's, I told my wife that I would adopt and raise the child as my own. I already have two step-kids that I feel as my own, plus one we made together; one more wouldn't make a quantitative or emotional difference to ME.
I also stipulated that we must sue (with her wholehearted support or else) the OM for every nickle we could squeeze out of him and that he would NEVER be permitted to see or interact with the child until the child was of an age of understanding. No cloud must be allowed to hover over that child while in the formative stages of life.
She agreed with no fingers crossed.
I also gave her the choice of divorce, which she rejected. In the course of discussion, I laid down the law exactly and she has lived up to the spirit ever since. I have no complaints on that score of any consequence.
PPS: I wish I had Pep's ability to put things in simple terms. Maybe she will chime in and do exactly that.
