Agreed.

I know of two BH here that are raising the OC and while I do think a strong man can do this if he so chooses, I would not hold either of these men up as examples for RB as they have other HUGE issues that they have failed to deal with.

agreed

You are entirely correct MM.

Actually MEDC, the two I am talking about don't post here, however the two you are talking about love their OC as well. Maybe not in our opinions the best examples of recovered marriages, but good men and good dads for sure.

I will agree to disagree with you on this point.


Of this, I have no doubt

Yes, I agree. And we would be foolish to not include those situation where we see "other issues" in the discussion, would we not? RB deserves the full support of the community, and part of that is recognizing the difficulties inherent in his situation. Sharing the successes as well as the failures (or even just "lesser successes" if you prefer). Its not about RB's character, which he is showing to be quite strong and admirable, its about allowing him to make the best decision he can based on the full spectrum of reality. That can only be done by sharing our full collective experience with him.

Thank you Revera.


Exactly. My reality is not his. But I have grown and learned from it.

RB,

What does your wife want to do? Does she what to raise this child by herself? Does she what to abort? Adopt? Does she want to stay married to you and have you help raise her child?

I know you don't know what to do yet that is why I asked what does your wife want.

If you keep the child and raise it, will you tell the kids that this baby is the result of an adulterous affair with her boss? Will you say nothing at all and just pretend that the child is yours? Do the COM deserve to know the truth about this? We are often told here to tell the children about an affair, what about a baby from an affair? If you tell the COM the truth how will that affect their interaction with the baby. How will their friends treat them when they find out that their Mom got knocked-up by her boyfriend? Have you any idea how mean kids can be?

This situation is going to be the ruination of many people for a very long time.

I do think that you could probably learn to love this child. People live this situation every day. It is amazing the immense suffering that people can survive.

I wish you peace in whatever your decision.

CN

RB

All you can to is use take your time to make a decision that is best for you. You have nine months, use everyone of them.

You are under a lot of stress and pressure right now. That is all the more reason to sit tight while you explore your options.

What options?

Have you considered having a test to rule out that your V has not reversed itself.

Consultation with a lawyer regarding if you will be stuck with OC child support if you divorce. Or is there away for you not to be held responsible.



Be advised that if you choose to recover your marriage I would suggest that you and your WW take OC's paternity to your graves.

Even if you get the OM on the hook for child support, and give the OMW the ammunition to make OM's life hell. The pay back will never be able to be enjoyed.

For marriages to recover there has to be NC between WW and OM.
Can you handle WW dealing with OM over OC parenting issues. Do not think this ends after eighteen years. Their will be college graduations, the OC's wedding, OC's children.
Contact will never end.

I could never let my wife directly deal with an OM. That means involving a third party act as a go between for communications and exchanging for visitations.


Remember what others can or can not do is not what you should or should not do.
Only you will know what you can handle. That is why it is important to take your time so you will get your clear. Then you will make the decision that is best for you.

Awesome post, TheRoad!

RB,

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. People keep telling me that God only give us what we can handle. I know that means He has alot more faith in me than I do myself.

My prayers are with you.

I do agree with TheRoad's thread about taking the paternity to the grave. NO GOOD can come of it.

My daughter just had a child after marrying, getting pregnant and divorcing all in the same year. I see this new baby each and every day as they live in my home. That father will not have any impact on this child, even if he sees him once in a blue moon and other than giving money, there's just nothing he can really do. He lives in another state and he has his own issues.

If YOU decide to keep this child and be it's FATHER, you deserve to claim all rights to that child, emotional, physical, mental, etc. Forget about the child support, money should not drive any future decisions. You have probably already proven to be a terrific father and this child will reap the benefits of that along with the benefits of loving siblings.

JMHO

Thank you Revera:

Folks, RB is under pressure that most of us can only imagine, even those who have been in his shoes. He simply does NOT need squabbling amongst those offering advice, period.

Be respectful and be helpful, and save the high horse for someplace else at another time.

This thread is all about WHY this forum exists. Our advice as well intended as it can be made, is all about why this forum is the best on the web in what it does and for what it stands complete with the Harley's financial, educational and moral support to make it possible.

After reading everything posted so far, with emphasis on multiple reads of RB himself, I will only recommend at this time that RB seek help from the Harleys. IMHO, this is too tough for us amateurs to be completely effective, no matter how well meaning or knowledgeable; RB and his family need a professional who specializes in his situation and the downstream consequences of anything he and his collective family does. I know of no better than the Harleys.

For an example of considerations: Genetics is a part of an person. One reason why adoptees are finally getting a chance to seek their genetic parents is because of medical history issues. I have noticed of late that Doctors are starting to ask about the medical history of parents, which means biological parents. And this is my sole consideration on this point. Emotionally, I am all for NC, period.

Larry

RB,

If you get to the point where you need to hear a person's side regarding keeping the OC, having CS set up, and contact with the OP, you can holler at me.

While I am very pro child (whether it be adoption or keeping the baby, whatever is BEST for the child), I am NOT a proponent of contact with the OP and offer any insight I might have for your disposal...

I have been following along here, and wanted to remind everyone of one small snafu in this disaster that RB's WW created.

His children (adult) know of WW's infidelity.

And his DD(19) knows of the paternity- she's the one that accompanied WW to the doctor.

While I would agree with another poster that if RB decided to raise OC as his own, that the paternity should be taken to the grave...

In reality, sometimes that's not possible.

As a geneticist myself (I do genetic testing for people that want to know their risk of passing particular genetic diseases on to this children-- esp. certain cultural groups that carry particular diseases)-- I can tell you that there may (or may not) be certain diseases/conditions/etc that may arise later in life with this child, and the child may "figure out" that RB couldn't be his/her father (I've seen it happen). Simple blood group tests can sometimes be the "deciding" factor of whether or not "daddy" is really "daddy" (depending on the blood groups of all involved, of course). I had a colleague who was performing paternity testing (I myself do not do paternity testing, just testing adults that want to have children and know that certain genetic diseases run in their families and want to know their risk of passing them on...) on a teenaged girl who, after taking a high school biology class and learning about "blood groups" figured out that "daddy" couldn't be "daddy" based on the genetics and what she knew the blood groups of mom and dad were.

Heartbreaking way to figure out your daughter isn't yours... and of a prior infidelity...

It happens.

So, I wouldn't "assume" that you can keep this a secret from the child... ESPECIALLY since DD19 knows.

That is an awfully HUGE burden to put on DD19-- to keep that secret-- and certainly not fair to her.

I would operate under the assumption in this case that the child will HAVE to be told at some point. The risk of the child finding out later on in life is just too great. Medically speaking, its possible to keep this a secret. But since the other children in the family know-- I think its too much to ask THEM to keep it a secret for the rest of their lives too.

What happens if DD19 gets mad at mom and spills the beans to get back at mom? Wow, that would be devastating to OC. And to the family. Too much risk to take.

If you don't believe in abortion-- then I would REALLY REALLY consider adoption in this case. Not consider, I think it may be the only way to go. This OC is going to be an outsider for the rest of their life. I don't know that it can be kept a secret. And what happens if OM finds out its his??

My opinion... adoption, or RB is out.

I will add that, RB, If you choose to raise this child as your own RB, I admire you greatly-- and think that you are one of the strongest people I know.

I have no direct experience with this myself (emotionally speaking)-- just my opinion. but as someone mentioned, you never really know what you would do in a situation until you are IN IT.

Good luck RB, keep us posted.

E.

RB, Larry is absolutely right. This is what the Harleys specialize in. Steve Harley can assess your situation and give you a reasonable, sane PLAN that will benefit you all. He is a COACH, and won't waste your time with nonsensical psychobabble. He does phone counseling for $185 and it is worth every penny.

RB, you have to do what YOU can live with. What everyone else says can help you emotionally, mentally, etc....but in the end, only you know what you can live with and deal with.

I wish you the best of luck. As someone said, you have nine months....take this time to THINK, then make a decision.

RB

Mr. Wondering has posted a link to legal issues on the OC forum that is open.

He also says:

"In many states your husband is deemed the father by law and the OM has no standing to contest paternity. If you are unsure about your situation, consult an attorney. Do not discuss potential paternity with any OM. Statements, emails, voice-messages and disclosed self-obtained DNA test results may be utilized by an OM to rebut the presumption in your state and give OM the right (standing) to sue you to FORCE you and your child to undergo paternity DNA testing. Be careful and know your rights. Recovery with an OC is hard enough, don't accidentally make it harder by handing the OM tools which will allow him to interlope further into your marriage.'

I followed the link and got confused real fast. I suspect you need an Attorney to spell out the situation in your state.

Larry

Except in his mother's eyes (speaking as a mother).

Who says the OC would be an outsider? The children won't treat him/her differently if the parents don't. DD19 knowing the truth would be problematic if you wish to take this to the grave. I would suggest NOT asking DD to keep secrets. BTW, there is still the option of the BH adopting the OC. That makes it legal all the way around with no fear of OM interferring in the future.

Ongoing C with OM would be the deal breaker for me. I stand firm on my boundary of NC for life with the xOP. C is how OC #2 becomes a possibility.

an adoption would require OM to sign child over...which would require telling him the truth.

IMHO, telling the truth is always the best option. To not do is sinful and could very well lead to problems down the road.