Agreed, for the obvious reason that the child is not an outsider to the mother...she helped make him and will carry him.

MEDC:

Not necessarily. It depends on where they live.

Larry

I don't think so...not for adoption. The BH is considered to be the parent in some places...but to take the step of actually adopting...I am pretty sure that the father will need to sign off.

I think you are correct, but it is another option.

I believe that in most states, if not all, once the husband (BH in this case) signs the birth certificate, he's legally the father. I was advised to avoid signing the certificate until after paternity was confirmed.

Like an idiot, I didn't. I was lucky.

I'd like to know the percentage of OM who are married, yet still try to gain at least partial custody of an OC.

My guess is very, very few, as in it almost never happens.

My guess is OMW will not want the child in her life.

I have to admit that I am amazed at the hypocrisy of the MB Community with respect to this issue. Almost universally, we hear over and over again that the OMW has a right to know what is going on in her life, and now we have a fairly large segment advocating "Lying by Ommission" about this child's paternity.

Which is it ... are we for Openess & Honesty or are we advocating the same behaviors of deceit, where waywards thought it best to conceal facts from us for our own good, that caused us to find ourselves here originally?

Are we just open and honest when it suits our purpose? ... or is this just situational ethics at its best/worst!

I'm only really concerned about honesty under my own roof...between me, my W, and my kids. The rest of the world can kiss my butt.

If my daughter had been OM's and I didn't want to tell him or OMW, I wouldn't have. I owe him nothing but a bullet between the eyes. I certainly don't owe him or his W the truth.

If you're looking for honesty in general, you're on the wrong planet.

I think it's that, MyRev.

I will offer up that continuing contact with the OW for pick up and drop offs has been pure hell, and I wouldn't wish it on...well..anyone...

Wow MyRev... I hate to admit it, but I agree. Just because it's going to be HARD to tell doesn't make it right NOT to tell.

Sheesh, what a mess.

OUCH!!!!!

Well put, if a bit harsh. I must admit that I was in favor of telling it all to OMW (and OM) but decided that it was NOT up to me to tell RB that and just leave it up to him. OTOH, issues with the OC take precendence over otherwise cast-in-stone MB principles as may apply here, IMHO, which leads me right back to, it is up to RB and his WW to decide.

Larry

The best advice you have received in this entire thread is to consult a lawyer. I don't know what state you live in, but in many states the BH has a limited window to contest paternity. Absent any action by you, you will legally be the father of this child. Speak to a lawyer. Find our what you need to do to prevent yourself from being the father of this child unless you want to be. You can always back off later, but depending on the laws of your state, you may need to move quickly to prevent paying CS for the next 18 years.

Thank you for saying that Myrev. Between hiding behind the skirts of the law and flat out lies I was beginning to wonder the same.

Thanks for putting it in perspective.

I would only tell for two reasons:

1. To try and take money from him, whether I needed it or not.

2. To try to hurt him and cause chaos and misery in his home.

Once my [censored] was covered legally, I'd do just that.

Give him and his family the truth, and shatter his life at the same time. It's a two-fer.

Warning long post!

Well, I thought I would post a quick update and get some feedback on what we have decided at this point. I am overwhelmed at the number of responses since my last post and I promise I will read every one of them tonight when I get some time alone.

First, I just asked her to let me share my feelings about everything w/o interruption and promised to give her time to respond later. I then tried to describe the hurt I have felt since d-day and what it felt like to have my world shattered again just when I thought we were making some progress. I told her that while I certainly accepted my responsibility in letting our marriage deteriorate to the point it had gotten to, that I would under no circumstances ever take any responsibility for HER decision to destroy 21 years of marriage for some fling.

I then told her that at this point, that I was willing to commit to working on our marriage with her under these conditions, which are non-negotiable.

1. That she take 100% responsibility for her destructive actions. This includes apologizing sincerely and frequently for as long as I need it to heal, and telling the kids exactly what she has done to their family including this pregnancy since DD19 already knows and apologizing to them. The kids know what happened, but they haven’t heard it from her mouth.
2. That she agree to start marriage and individual counseling immediately with the counselor of my choice. I have already found 2 marriage friendly counselors in our local area who advocate MB principles.
3. That she be willing to openly consider all options in our situation, excluding abortion, and that she make no decisions until we both agree to it.
4. That at no point was she to inform OM of her pregnancy unless we both agreed to it based on the option we choose and that if at some point WE decided to inform him that I would do the informing as she was to have NC for LIFE.
5. That she be willing to answer all of my questions about her affair with complete honesty and that she be willing to take a polygraph if I should choose. I told her that I would be completely honest with her concerning my feelings and where we are at if she would simply give me the courtesy to do the same.
6. That I needed to see her 100% commitment to recovering this marriage. This includes reading both SAA and HNHN and openly discussing the concepts in these books with me at least once a week until we complete both books.
7. That she allow me to share our situation with the members of our weekly Bible study group so that I can have their emotional support in the coming months. These couples are our closest friends and I really feel like I need them during this time. I also think that they can be a real resource for WW. I do plan on going on Friday to check to see if my V has somehow reversed before we tell the kids or our Bible study group about the pregnancy.

After I finished, I told her that I still loved her. That I always had and that I always would regardless of how this all came out. But, that at this time all that I can promise her is that I will give this everything that I’ve got. I can’t promise her that at some point all of this won’t become too big for me to handle.

She agreed to all of the conditions and continuously apologized for all of this. She said she knows that this is all her fault and that she is just angry with herself for allowing OM to use her like he did. She did tell me that her friend from work put her in contact with the other 2 women this guy had victimized and they told her a very similar story to what she had experienced. She realizes that OM is a player and that she got played. She also agreed to sit down and answer all of my questions tomorrow night. I offered to write them down this evening and give her all day tomorrow to think about them.

I don’t know if this is progress, but it is a start. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know at this point is that I have to deal with things one issue at a time because the entire situation is just too big to tackle all at once.

By the way, I guess as kind of a peace offering, WW bought me 2 tickets for the local 1st showing of Indiana Jones. She told me it was okay if I wanted to take a friend, but that she would really like to go w/ me if I was okay with that. I think it may actually be good for us to just go do something fun together and forget all of this for one evening.

You are an amazingly strong and composed BH, RB. Please add to your list the need to consult a family law atty. You need to protect yourself and your family.

God bless you!

I will also say that my kids know (my bio kids) as well as my family and they are all I care about.

If anyone else has issues with the begetting of my non-bio kids they can cheerfully join the others in line to kiss Krazy's tushie.

Larry posted earlier (I think it was Larry) about the issues that may arise in "taking it to the grave."

There are hurts, at first, with having OCs. I will not lie. It hurt like the devil that the children weren't mine. It still aches that I must share them with someone that doesn't deserve them at all (contact). The first time we took the OC out, she was asleep in her carrier and a waitress cooed over her. I could've been swallowed whole by the earth at that moment. I didn't know what to say or how to react.

But I will say that now, every time anyone compliments me on the kids I cheerfully say "THANK YOU! I'm growing them myself!" Because it's true. Their health and wellbeing are in MY direct care. I know what's going into their little bodies and what's being taught to their little minds. So the state and health and happiness of them is JUST AS MUCH MINE as it is genetics.

JUST.

AS.

MUCH.

And doctors know that dna is not always at one's fingertips. People pass away, families move away...it is not so uncommon to NOT know your family's biological histories.

Sounds like you've got things under control, as well as they can be for now. Good for you. I sincerely hope this turns out for the best.

This kinda bothered me though:


Was this recently? I hope not. She should not be talking to or ABOUT OM to anyone else except you or your counselor. No contact means no indirect contact as well. Talking about him and his history to others feeds the drama. Oh, and your wife wasn't/isn't a victim. She could have said no.