I'm a bit in MK's corner about your sitch, but I do want to offer this thought to you:

You can still forgive your W without being married to her.

Just a thought.

I think triggers will abound for you as this little one becomes the challenge that kids become. I know that I had no problem dealing with the challenges of parenting and the stress of parenting with my own kids, but would have a very difficult time with one that wasn't mine.

Then again, if I were to choose to adopt a child I'd go into that decision as an equal with my spouse and not have that decision forced on me.

It almost feels like OM is getting away scot free too. He fathers a child with your wife and has no obligation to provide support. He should, at a minimum, be forced to pay for the child he fathered and have some sort of consequence for not being able to keep his thing in his pants when dealing with married women.

You're in a lose/lose situation. All the choices suck.

You've chosen to try this path you're on. I can understand that you don't want to throw away 20+ years of marriage, but that's dead no matter what. You have 18-23 years ahead of you now where you will be taking care of a child that isn't yours with a woman who has betrayed you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you stay married.

What do your kids think? I'm sure they lean towards you guys staying together.

This really needs to be a family decision. Their choices are no better. Have parents split up and a half sibling, or have parents stay together, have a new half sibling, and know that dad is either fooling himself or isn't happy.

Do you really see yourself standing in the delivery room and being happy when this child is born?

I could see myself standing there, watching my W holding it, and feeling numb. The constant thought of, "that kid isn't mine" would be running through my head.

Your W is a high risk pregnancy because of her age. All this talk may be premature if her body rejects the baby. How far along is she?

MyRev:

RB seems like he is moving in the direction that might not appeal to YOU.

And many others for that matter.

I'm sure two years ago you would have NEVER stayed with a woman who cheated on you.

Yet, here you are.

Because we never KNOW what we are going to do until we face a particular situation.

I sure RB would have felt that same way about two years ago. About a cheating spouse, a potential pregnancy from that cheating, etc. Heck, my BS felt the same way. Yet here we all are. Still fighting for our marriages.

RB may make a choice later to Plan D his wife. Many WYES in the road right now for him. Does he know about all the possible WYES in the road? Yes. They have been pointed out to him on this thread. Does he know of all possible WYES in the road? No. No one ever can.

So, Please don't be so harsh in your condemnations for something you wouldn't do, in a situation you haven't faced. Instead, Applaud him for facing such difficult choices with grace.

And I wanted to second the best advice given so far on this thread, from the Great and Wonderful Pep: CALL THE HARLEYS.

JMHO.

LG

RB

It warrants repeating that you could use a personal marriage coach in your situation as Pep advised. The roller coaster will have unexpected turns in the next several months.

No man should have to endure this situation. Not sure if I could if it was on my plate. I admire your strength during this time.

Have a 54 yo co-worker ready to retire from the company and move to the hill country and start a small business when he received similar news. His wife (47 yo) is now 5 mos preg. They have 3 children and 2 grand children. His plans are all a mess. He doesnt know how or when he will be able to retire and now has to worry about force reductions currently happening. He is just accepting of his fate. His kids (all grown) are not so accepting and refuse to interact with their mother.

lg,

I gave the above post quite a bit of thought and held off on posting anything for several days. I thought I made it very clear that I was offering a different perspective for him to consider, as for the past several days, all he has gotten was a bunch of pollyanna responses, which in my opinion, were largely ignoring the very "harsh" realities of the situation. Others are free to disagree.

From what I see, rb65 has quite a bit of (understandable) anger within himself at the moment, which I think is consistent with his personality evidenced by his early strong actions. Granted, I may not have experienced directly what rb65 is experiencing at the moment, but we seemed to have similar proactive personalities, and I know how difficult its been for me to get over my betrayal, which is NOTHING near what rb65 is facing ... and I don't agree in any fashion with the concept that "all sin is equal" ... that is just a foolish notion, IMHO.

Also, I am just getting through that severe ANGER period that comes at the 6-8 month mark post D-Day. Now project yourself 5-7 months into rb65's R and imagine what that ANGER is going to be like when you are constantly triggered by looking at your WW being VERY pregnant with someone else's child, in addition to having the added visual reminders burned into his brain. It likely will not be pretty.

In this case, reality is HARSH!!!

Myrev..you're right..all sin is not equal. Not even close.

I, for one, am glad that you have posted your thoughts here and do not find them harsh at all.

Despite what some people would have you believe...some people actually do know what they would do when faced with a particular situation.

It is not necessary to remain married to his wife for RB to forgive. I do believe with all my heart that adoption is the best option...but applaud RB if he takes on this task with an open heart. A lot of sunshine has been blown up his butt regarding this ugly, ugly situation that will be a constant reminder of what his wife did.

I am a big believer that kids are a blessing...in this case they could be a blessing to a couple that can't have children. For this marriage though...this child is really a burden that RB is choosing to carry...his choice.

I truly hope this man hangs on to his happiness and does not surrender so many things in his life that he comes last. A few BH's here that are raising other children are, IMHO, in horrible situations that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...and they take it laying down. "Sheeple" is a word that I will borrow from Mel to describe these souls.

So long as RB hangs on to his needs and gets them met...I am all for supporting him. If he takes after some others in similar situations, I would feel as though he made a huge mistake.

While I am all for SH and MB coaching...I would not advise it in this case. Based on past results with OC involved, I would suggest that in these cases I have not seen the great results from the Harley's that I have come to expect. Infidelity with no OC involved, I am right there with you directing him to MB coaching....OC involved...I would hesitate.

MyRev and RW,

Thank you for your perspectives because no 2 situations are alike and I like getting responses from all sides because no one person has all of the answers. While I may not agree with your POV, I value your input and it does help to be reminded that this is going to be a tough road. I do understand, as both of you have pointed out, that I can indeed forgive her without staying married to her. In fact, my Pastor pointed out in that same conversation that I had every right to divorce her and move on. Forgiveness is the first step in me being able to move on w/ MY life. It’s really as much for my good as for hers.

Next, I am choosing to do my best to recover this marriage because I know how good it was for about 18 of our 21 years. I know in my heart that the best future for me involves her. However, I am perfectly willing to pull the plug on this if at any time I see that she is not pulling her own weight in this recovery. I have high standards for what our recovered marriage will look like and I will not settle for just getting by. While I know that our kids would prefer that we stay together, I also know that they will make it just fine if we don’t. However, I am going to fight for my marriage with all that I have in me. At this point, she is doing everything that I have asked for and more. That helps me keep going and gives my more confidence in our chances every day.

As several have pointed out, if you had asked me what I would do in this situation a few years ago, I would have adamantly told you that I would throw her to the curb and move on w/o her. But it is hard to really know what you will do in a certain situation until you are faced with it. I truly believe that I am a better man, husband, and father than I was 6 weeks ago at d-day. I know that I am strong enough to walk away from this marriage if I need to. But, I am also strong enough to stay and work through all of this and build a stronger marriage and family than before.

Finally, at this point, I have no idea how we will handle OM. Part of me wants to never tell him and keep him out of our lives, part of me wants to punish him and force him to pay CS, and part of me wants to use CS as threat to get him to sign a termination of parental rights to ensure that he stays out of our lives for good. We will decide together how best to handle this if we end up parenting this child. But, I also understand that trying to get revenge on him is a slippery slope. How much revenge would ever be enough to heal my pain? The answer is that there could never be enough. In the end, I will never be able to fully heal as long as I harbor hatred for OM. I’m still working on that because if I saw him today, I would probably end up in jail. But, it lessens a little each day.

I sometimes feel like a person w/ multiple personalities as my moods and perspectives change daily. But, I am committed to a marriage where both of us are better as individuals and as a couple. We are just starting down this road(it's only 6 weeks since d-day) and we never know what curves lay up the road. I just have to take things one day and one problem at a time.

And that is what I feel you need to hold on to! Do that and your recovery will have the best chance of making it.

ITA.

At this point, there is no way to keep this a secret. Too many people know about the affair and will put 2+2 together. Your future plans should not hinge on keeping this a secret. Assume that he knows, his wife knows, the church knows, etc.

i have to agree with that you should plan on people knowing the truth. if you plan on opening up to your bible study group then expect that word will travel fast.

the other thing about trying to keep this a secret is it will be like any other lie. the harder you try and hide it the more it will fester and remain as a trigger everytime you try and conceal it.

this is one of the other harsh realities of staying in your marriage. both you and your w will have this cross to bare. from my experience this will be much harder on your w then on you. when people hear that you stayed they will praise you for your inner strength with statements like "i could never do that". but your w will have to face those same people, looking at you in awe, in the eye and know that in the back of their minds they are thinking "how could she".

for those who thinks that supporting him is blowing smoke up his butt. that statement is nothing but smoke. i have walked in his shoes and can tell you that this is going to be one tuff ride. i see no one trying to sugar coat anything.

rb can get thru it, or maybe he won't. who knows for sure? no one. but i can tell you this. if he throws in the towel and never tries, he will carry it for the rest of his life.

so what is the rush? after all he can always D down the road if tings don't improve. and i can bet that once a D is finalized then there will be no going back.

when i decided to stay and work on my M it was with one clear thought. I will "never" go through this again. my thoughts were that if we couldn't be happy together after this hen she was free to go and find it where ever she needed.

let's look at some of the options if he were to D. on ehis com have already made their views clear. so if they end the M what? he or she moves away. is oc out of his life? hardly. as long as his com have anything to do with their mom, she will have oc around and then when his com visit rb there will undoubtably be times when the conversation lands on oc.

point is that you can run but you can't hide from the truth.

i also disagree with hwo ever said it ws a lose-lose situation. what is the loss in your heart loving another small child? in being a positive roll model for that same child? what loss is there in being in a situation that allows a child to feel secure and loved?

look it's obviouos that if he stays and can't manage to put his anger aside and find love for the child then the marriage will ultimately end.

about his anger towards the om. natural. and it too will fade with time. so he says if he saw him he would end up in jail. maybe/maybe not.

i know 1st hand his anger. but he also knows like i did that om wasn't worth it.

Pops, I agree with everything you said, except this:


Don't you mean YOU were free to go? You were the one that was betrayed. According to the Word, you had every right to move on, but you didn't.

I think you and runnerboy both are amazing men and your wives were idiots for almost ruining one of the best things in their lives-- marriage to a good and faithful man, and I'm not just blowing smoke. LOL

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults." - 1 Peter 4:8

I see some of the posts supporting keeping COM as having the subtle message that keeping COM would be the height of nobility, love, selflessness, and respect for his WW's feelings. Also carrying the subtle implication that requiring adoption as a condition of R as being less than noble, less than loving, selfish, and inconsiderate. This is just my read but I think others are picking up on it.


There is a bit of a rush because jurisdictions only give you so long to contest paternity. Whose name goes in the 'father' block on the birth certificate at the hospital? If RB gets tired of changing COM's diapers at 0300 six months after it is born, and goes for the D route, is he now stuck with presumed paternity? Will he have to fight a huge legal battle to avoid paying CS for COM? RB needs expert legal advice NOW.

Excellent observations Bitbucket

Pep

PS -

The rationale behind encouraging you to seek professional marriage coaching help from Harley NOW - is that in order for this recovery to work to make both of you very happily married to each other, you're going to need to learn to become POJA-MASTERS. POJA is going to be the sticking point. It takes effort to learn this without a coach, and in many cases errors will not make much of a difference. BUT - in this case, if you screw up POJA NOW while you are both stressed out beyond belief, there is no going back and "fixing" some of the errors regarding the pregnancy issues.

Get Harley help - especially with POJA issues regarding "What do we do about pregnancy issue X - Y - and Z ?"

RB, I see you as trying to live out in your own life what are just "words" in the Bible...until we actually put them into practice. This is hard for someone who does not share your belief system to understand. Apparently it's hard for some who DO share it, as well. As I see it, that's their problem, not yours. If people here who encourage you in your stated desire to be what you claim to believe, are accused of "blowing sunshine", then Jesus must've been blowing solar flares!! Yes, you are certainly entitled to walk away, but if you chose not to exercise your God-given right, then what you do from here on out is still your own life to live.

Well, let's at least be intellectually honest here ... if I don't know "smoke" when I see it, then YOU can't say "but i can tell you this." You "know" a lot less about what the future holds, than we do about what we are reading right off of our screens over the past few days.

...and FWIW, I was the one who said this was a no-win situation, because IT IS. There will be NO winners in this, at least by any definition that I know ... there is a HUGE difference in "surviving' this, and considering it a "win".

I don't know your story, as I've never seen you post prior to this thread, but from what I've seen on this thread ... I perceive a lot of self deception from you, much like many of the other posters in similar situations that you cited earlier.

I agree with MEDC, these situations involving an OC are outside of the areas that MB can successfully treat, mainly IMHO, because one of the basic principles of a successful R using MB is NC, which is basically impossible in an OC situation, where the OM is ALWAYS actually or potentially just on the outside of the M looking in.

That's not the way I see it. I see with respect to the innocent child in all of this, who has NO CHOICE in any of it.

rev,,,,, without hijacking this thread you can read my profile at the bottom of my post to get the gist of my sit. only everyone is 2 years older and i will be the grandfather of 8 in about 6 months.

some more quick background,,,,,,,,,,when w had the baby i was in the room with her, was a the most difficult emotionally draining moment of my life. she wanted to let om walk away, i had many reasons why i thought he needed to pay cs at the minimum,

including my health, stability for the com should anything happen to myself, with all those kids w would need as much as possible to get by. om knew of preg. i believe that nothing bad can come of a child knowing their bio parents, because of where we live and the schools that my com and om's com would attend i would be running into him for the next 10 years anyway. as a result my now 20 year old son was the soccer coach for om 15 year son at the hs. om is a school bus driver and i coach at the hs, therefore he on occasion is the driver of my lacrosse team. and whose to say that in 10 - 15 years om will not walk right back into my life? either on his own or by grace wondering who her bio father is. which is ver common these days

end result.. om has visitation and takes it regularly, he pays his cs (which i don't see one red cent of), i have come to accept grace as my own child and i have no animosity towards om. althoough if he were to fall off teh face of the earth i would be the last person to care. LOL

my w on the other hand has a very hard time sharing her baby with om, mother bear symtom i guess. and this is where i have come to feel that keeping om away may be the best solution.

i only try to offer examples of what i have experienced and things that helped me. one thing that never helped me was any negativity.

i am listening to his words and trying to support his choices. teh way i see it is if he is wiling to move forwrad and his w is doing the things he requires of her then we should be offering support not trying to show him alternatives because our own personal situation isn't turning out the way we like it.

you are correct in that i do not "know" what the future holds. so let me phrase it this way... i wil bet you a $100 against your donut that if "he" doesn't do all that "he" feels "he" possibly can to rebuild his marriage and just walks away. he will spend many sleepless nights wondering why not.

as far as the rush goes. in most states (NOT ALL) teh child is presumed to be a product of the marriage unless it is contested within 2 years after the DOB. so not knowing where rb lives he would most definately be well advised to seek out a very good family lawyer and make sure he understands the laws specific to his situation. i live in Calif, i know that ohio and s carolina have different laws the i had to deal with.

i have not posted on mb for some time. i have stopped by and read on occasion and even posted once in a while. but with other family issues such as a dd dealing with an obusive bf and then a hells angel husband and the torid of other problems that 4 teenagers in the house at one time can cause i don't have much time. a little bird put rb's sit in my ear and i thought i may be able to give him some encouragement.

i know the anger he feels towards om and the fear of what he would do if face to face. i know the pain he feels watching his w's tummy grow with oc and the feeling of wanting to rub her stomach but it hurts. the angst he will go thru wondering about the childs physical appearances. i feel the passion that is ingrained in his mind towards his w but will not be able to respond to because of visual triggers. i know the desire to get right in there and help with the delivery but he may be crippled by emotions and just sit back and watch. i understand how he will see the new born as a tender bundle of Gods creation but not be able to muster the strength to hold him/her.

if you want to know more about who i am or about my past i am sure you can research it in this sites archives. if i were a little mor ecomputer savy i could help you find them. but i am very technologically challenged you might say. along with a spelling handicap. just start by looking under the preg/child section around the time frame of my becoming a member.

if you would like to discuss my phylosophy's further i would be happy to oblige on a new thread.

Since no one has said much about this I will give another point of view. Provide for your wife to get an abortion. Now. Pay for it, drive her there and be nice but firm about it. As if she were an acquantance with problems or a distant friend you are doing a favor for.

Then...go forward working hard with all your energy to first figure out if you want the marriage anymore, and then secondly to find out how badly your wife wants the marriage and thirdly to figure out how to heal the marriage.

If you want to stay married, I would insist as a condition of the relationship that your wife get a tubal ligation or get depo provera shots in case...just in case.... she slips and has unprotected sex with another man again....That way even though you figure she will not do that again, if she does have sex again with other men, at least there will not be another child created! If you go as far as the abortion route, make sure that there is never another "wayward pregnancy" ever again.

Good luck.

Stella, but he already knows abortion is murder. Once one knows that truth, and moves intellectually beyond the mindless bumper stickers, they can't turn back the clock of ignorance and hide from the truth anymore. His left brain and his conscience are fully functional so those silly rationalizations won't work. Since he knows the truth, abortion would not be the easiest route, but the HARDEST ROUTE. He would have blood on his hands too and he knows it. He has too much character to sacrifice his conscience. Murder is not the solution to adultery, albeit it seems the easiest at first glance.