If your H has abusive tendencies, sometimes it isn't even about what he wants or feels, as much as it's about winning. My D17 dated an abusive guy last summer, she broke up with him cos he was constantly being the victim, blaming everything on her - typical abuse crap (if you wouldn't make me so mad I wouldn't have to yell at you) - and 9 months later, he's still harassing her at school cos she's the one who left him, calling her a sl*t to everyone, that kind of thing. He got drunk the other night and called her at 1am, to say 'if I apologize can we be friends?' She said maybe, and then he proceeds into explaining - again - why all of their problems were her fault!

He just can't help himself, no matter what he wants, and he obviously still likes her, he can't stop being a jerk cos it's his defense mechanism to blame everything on someone else and come out looking like the one everyone should feel sorry for, even if it sabotages what he really wants.

Not saying your H is doing that, but it's a possibility.

Well that part sounds like him anyway. He always has an excuse for everything and it's never his fault. I don't know.

Plan B is going well however.

I've had extreme depression since last night. At one point I even wished I would die while having this baby. *sigh* My best friend is extremely pissed at me because of the depression and what she calls negativity. It's not like I want to feel this way. I would love to want out as much as he does. Last night he left a voicemail saying that when we got the stimulus check he was using his part to pay for a divorce. *sigh* Yeah, that caused the sudden onset of sadness. I slept pretty much all day, didn't answer any phone calls, didn't want to talk with anyone. But, at least that meant I didn't have to talk to my WH or see him. I wish it could be as easy for me as it is for him.

On a good note, the county attorney called me today because my WH is supposed to go up there and sign all the paperwork for child support. So, that is good. I still haven't talked to or seen my WH or his family members, other than my daughter. It sucks and it's really hard. I have to drive by their house on my way to and from work. *sigh*

At least today I'm not as depressed as I was yesterday. I feel a little better, but the smallest thing gets me thinking. Also, I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow, so at least I will have some fun in the sun

FWS - How did you get through the times when you were separated from your BS? Did it hurt or bother you at all or were you too deep in the fog? Did you miss your children and did that make you want to come home or was the thought of the OP more than enough to make up for wanting to be there with them?

Yeah, I'm quadruple posting now, sorry. But, I spoke with my MIL today. She said that she kind of got into it with my WH. She was talking to him about the kids, whatever, and he said that he couldn't be in this kind of relationship with me no matter how much he loved the kids. She said that she wasn't telling him to stay in the relationship because of the kids (which is a damn good reason to me), but once we move, he will have limited contact with them, and she is seeing no remorse from him at all. He said that he felt bad everyday especially when he was around his friends who have kids (which surprised me as I'm not aware that he has any friends with kids). *sigh* I just don't understand why, if he really felt that he couldn't be in a relationship with me months ago, why didn't he tell me? Why did he get me pregnant, watch me lose that child, then get me pregnant again if he didn't want another child and didn't love me then (which is what he said). WS's are so weird. Seriously.

a FULL FLEDGED Plan B is one that does not include obsessing about the dumbasswaywardjackassortheskankylowlifebottomfeederotherskankywoman

and REAL Plan B includes some damn FUN
and some damn self soothing
and some damn time with crazy-lady-girlfriends

not to mention salty fried foods ! (unless one is preggers - then no salt for you)

a full-monty-plan-B is turning your back on the waywardcrackheads who are dragging you down

Start doing uplifting and soul building things - leave the pigs in their own sloppymud and step away

Right now - call the silliest of your friends and make a date to do some fun things

invite all your friends over for a poker party/cupcake decorating feast - it does not matter what you do but stop obsessing - it is a waste of time

a complete and utter waste of your resources

are you ready for some Plan B nonsense?

MAKE IT YOUR PLAN B ---- YOURS ---- OWN IT

when your heart is breaking put on a silly hat and take charge of your life

Pep

AMEN PEP!!!!


And no peeking into the WS life.

It's dark on your side


both ways!!!


You don't look at him, and he doesn't get a peek at you.


Don't ask MIL or anyone else about him.

Don't let your friends talk to you about him. Tell them "I need some time away from thinking about him. I need to spare my love and heart, and the only way to do that is to remain free from thoughts and words of him. Please, respect my wishes, don't tell me about his life or happenings about him. I need to be able to do this so that if we decide to reconcile, we can do it the right way."

Don't look for things to ponder about him.


DO:
Take the time to work on things that make you fulfilled.
Take the time to work on things that build your inner strength.
Take the time to find NEW THINGS in your life that energize YOU - things you never tried before that you always thought you might like to do.

Go forth, try something different.


Rest, and take care of the one thing that you do control in this whole situation - YOURSELF.

You will find that you will grow and grow (besides the belly!), and you will become happier when you focus on what YOU NEED.

And focus on what makes YOU HAPPY.

Pep is right. She knows stuff - listen to her.

And search some of the old threads Pep posted to. Some of them are funny, so they are good for a few laughs to get you started. She always seems to find the party!!!!


SB

Easier said than done, but I'm trying. I'm doing better than I was three or four weeks ago, even two weeks. I'm attempting to put my WH on the backburner and not let his words of contempt/disrespect/unlove hurt me. It's getting a little easier. Haha, I will try the silly hat thing though, that sounds like fun!

Heading out to the beach tomorrow and I'm excited about that. Still planning on moving, but I have this little voice in the back of my head (not to mention my kids whining) that maybe I should wait. NOT because my marriage might be saved, but because I like it here and I would be taking my kids away from all that is familiar. I don't know. I feel that it would be easier if I moved away, at least for me and Plan B. I wouldn't have to drive by his parents house on my way to work or to the doctor and see that his car is there or not. I wouldn't have to think that maybe he went to visit the OW an hour away when I couldn't get him to even go out to eat with us. *sigh* Okay, enough.

What do you guys think about moving? I want honest answers people!

Also, why hasn't my WH taken me off of his myspace page as his number one friend when he is on there everyday? He also hasn't taken my picture from his album....that one that called me his goddess. Blah, yeah, yeah, I shouldn't be wondering these things, but I do. I would think he would want to take those things off immediately.

My vote?

I get a vote?

I'm honored to vote on this issue -

Should you MOVE kit'n'kaboodle to a new house?

I would be moving 350 miles away back to my family in TN. Do you still think that this is a good idea? I really want to know others opinions and reasoning on this.

Also, speak of the devil, WH just called and spoke with the kiddos. He wanted to speak with me, but I didn't talk with him. He is back in school and wants one of our pc's, which I have no problem with (of course I'll give him the oldest and crappiest one haha). However, I will drop it off on MY time at his parents house when he isn't around. Blah, I hate that things have come to this.

Oh and earlier today my WH spoke to DD10 on the phone while we were at WalMart. I was speaking with to the guy in the tire/lube section so that I could get my vehicle serviced before heading to the beach. I heard DD10 say, "a guy", then she said, "a guy at walmart that works here". LOL I'm guessing that WH was wondering who the he11 I was talking to and if it was another guy that was with us. It amused me. I had forgotten about that until now.

I don't think you should move. I think your kids lives have been turned upside down enough by your WH and you should not add to that. Also I think you are looking at moving away as a way to run away from your problems. I'm just guessing this, but you moved away from your first husband and now you are wanting to move away from this husband. I think you should stay where you are and figure out what you are running away from. Work on fixing you and improving you so that the next time you pick a better guy who is worthy of being your husband and a good father figure to your kids. I speak this from experience, I have moved a few times in life because I wanted to start fresh, but you know what, it was not until I realized that if I wanted my life to change I had to change me and work on me, the city I lived in did not matter, it was about me. Okay that is just my two cents, so take it or leave it, but you did ask.

As for the myspace thing, my H never took my picture of his reunion.com profile even though the OW was his high school girlfriend and they got together through reunion.com, there is just no understanding the wayward mind.

My first husband actually moved away from me. I can, however, see how moving away from here would be running away. I just want to be around people who love and support me and most of them are there. I would be moving back home to my family. I have two friends here and his parents, that's IT. I can't depend on his parents because they are his. And, I know if I stay here, I will be more likely to worry about him and what he is doing and wanting to reconcile. If I go back home, I have my whole family and several friends to help me get through this. However, I don't know if my judgement at the moment is that great considering my stress and emotional levels, which is why I want to ask the opinions of you guys out there. Plus, I'm not that old (only 30) and obviously not that wise, so I could use some wisdom LOL.

I don't want to upset my children more, but it hurts them to know that their dad is only a couple blocks away, yet he is too busy with other things to come see them. It's really sad.

OMG OW just messaged me asking what it would take for me NOT to move. What should I do or say? Should I ignore her?

Well to point out the obvious, OW is having conversations with your WH about you. So he definitely is in contact with her.

You should be very cautious if you have any dialogue with her. Her motives I'm sure are selfish. What does she have to gain from you staying? Is she just trying to get info for your WH? Maybe he is trying to find out if you are serious about moving? Whatever the reason it in no way helps you for her to have any info from you.

That being said my curiosity would get the best of me and I would probably respond to her asking why she was asking. I know it is not the right thing to do and hopefully you have more self control than I would.

She is probably just baiting you to see if she can get you into a conversation and then try to get info out of you. Try to be strong and not fall for it. Try not to talk to her.

LOL, ok, so much for my Plan B I guess, at least regarding the OW. Blah, looks like I am actually in Plan C ugh. I contacted her through email and this is what I wrote....

H-
I guess I just thought that any sane female would stay away from a man who was married with children, no matter what they said or how much they complimented them. I told you that I didn't blame you totally but I know that if you hadn't been there to encourage or whatever you were doing, he would still be home, my children would still have a father, and I wouldn't have to listen to them every day tell me how badly they don't want to move. I wouldn't have to worry because my son won't know or bond with his father (who now doesn't care anyway. So, please don't tell me that you have put yourself in my shoes because you would understand these things if you had. My oldest daughter is only 7 years younger than you and she is so upset we are going to have to take her to a counselor. N-'s biological daughter has been doing bad in school and getting in trouble a lot. So, your gain of a friend is my family's loss of a husband and father. If you can't put yourself in my shoes, put them in my childrens. How would you feel if your father walked out on your mother and decided that some other person was more important than your mom and youself? How would you honestly feel? Because, it hurts me to see them hurt.
I don't know if this will even bother you or if you care. I know that you will tell N- everything that I tell you but it doesn't matter because he knows all of this and it still doesn't matter. So, you ask me not to hate you forever. I don't hate you at all, I don't have it in me to hate anyone. But, I don't think I could ever like you, especially after hearing my daughters wake up in the middle of the night crying so hard they are unable to breath, wanting to talk to their dad, but he can only talk to them on the phone, because he is at YOUR house with YOU. So, I don't know what you expected me to tell you, but I can't say, oh poor you, you've been put down by others. We all have and some of us are scarred by it, but part of growing up is realizing that YOU make your decisions and you live with them. The things that happen in your life make you who you are, but they don't cause you to make decisions that are terrible for youself and others.
So, I've opened my emotions and my childrens to you and all you've told me is that you've lied to me and that you have a friend in N-. Good for both of you, at least you have that. At least he has that too, hopefully it will make him happy when his arms ache to hold his daughter whom I know that he loves dearly. Because once I go, things will never be the same and the N- that I knew, the loving one with the big heart, will end up hating himself for what he has done to these kids. He loves them, I know that, and they are important to him and he is going to wake up and regret the loss that occured the day he walked out, the day they found out about you, the day he files for divorce, and the day that it is final. Not the loss of me, but the loss of three little girls who saw him as the all powerful male father who would never leave them. If you are a daddy's girl, then you understand. They were ALL daddy's girls and adored him. Now, he has lost that. So....that's all that I have to say. Nothing else matters.
T-

*sigh* So there is that. I sent that after she sent me a message
asking if I blamed her for everything and that she hoped that I didn't hate her, etc, etc. So, that is why she is saying that about the kids. But, what I don't understand is, what does she have to gain? If she was really selfless enough to want to know what she could do for him, then she would have left him alone in the first place, right? *sigh* I don't know, I'm totally confused.

Feel free to b*tch at me or hit me with a 2x4 for even contacting her back. Some Plan B I'm in. I can't seem to stick with anything.

5 days of absolutely no contact with WH! I know while I am at the beach I will have the strength and support to get through this. I will only be around those that love me....yay! It's enough to help me get over the hump I think.

I am glad that you had no contact with the WH. I also saw the email that you sent to the OW. Please try not to have any further contact with her either. It sounds as though you are trying to make her feel guilty but this woman has no conscience.

I originally posted a response to your situation on 5/7 and I have been keeping up with your progress because you sound a lot like my best friend when she was going through her mess with her ex-DH. I was not trying to be cruel but sometimes it is best to tell people the truth. As women, no matter how horrible the man treats us, we want to see things through rose colored glasses.

My DH cheated on me...I contacted the OW. I tried to make her feel guilty too but I soon realized that this woman did not care about me or my child. She wanted my DH. She lied, she schemed, and did EVERYTHING that she could to come between us. In the end, my DH was the only one who was able to put an end to things. We separated and he realized that he wanted his marriage and his family. When he approached me and wanted to come back home, I did not agree immediately. I told him that he and I had to see a marriage counselor. Even when my DH & I were going thru the worst period in our marriage, my DH was never cruel and mean to me. The things that your DH have said and done to you have been HEARTLESS!! There is no depression pill or any magically pill that is going to change him. Only he can change him.

In your DH's case, he sounds like a little boy. He has a lot of growing up to do. In my best friend's case, her ex-DH was in the navy and she was away from her family too. She had no one but her friends to support her. She tried to lean on her ex-DH's parents but they soon turned their back on her. I explained to her that no matter what, he was their son and they would not completely turn their back on their son in support of her.

I DO encourage you to move back closer to your family. At a time like this, you need emotional support. You also will have more support where the children are concerned. You can go back to school or just feel free to work on improving you...

You have to realize that YOU are more important than your wayward husband. Your children are more important than your WH. I will say this...You will soon look back and realized that your DH's decision to to leave was the most UNSELFISH decision he has ever made. Your DH does not seem to be READY, able, or WILLING to fulfill your emotional needs. But, most importantly, you have to find satisfaction in yourself. Seek counseling to determine why you seek out men who treat you cruelly and disrespectfully. Your key to moving on is changing the image that you have of yourself. When you improve your self-image, you will find out that you don't want or NEED your DH.

That is the truth. I don't understand why I stay with men who treat me that way. It's a sad thing. I'm not an unattractive or horrible person, I just seem to have codependency issues, I guess.

I've had no contact with my WH since I last posted. It's getting easier. Hopefully, it will stay this easy when I get back home.

Question: Does anyone know if there are rules about moving children out of state during separation? A friend of mine brought this subject up and I wasn't sure if it's a legal issue. If you guys don't know, do you know how I would find out? Knowing this would be a huge help in my decision to move.
Thanks guys!

I don't know where you are from but you can check into it online. Check out your states laws. You and your DH can draft a parenting agreement and then file it with the courts (you'll each have to have your signatures notarized).

My DH and his child's mother drafted a parenting agreement when she left the state. Actually, I drafted it after the two of them verbally came up with an agreement. It is easy to do. There are sample parenting agreement online (some dealing with out of state visitations). Just google it.

I know that you are in Plan B, so you can come up with the parenting agreement and mail it to him. If you decide to move to another state, you will have to have some contact with him at some point regarding the children. I don't know if this is a violation of Plan B or not.

Others can weigh in on this.