R,

You may want to look for part of my story on the pregnant/pregnancy board. My mom had an affair before, during and after her pregnancy with me.

If I can answer any questions or concerns you have about keeping this child/being this child's father in every real way, I'd be happy to support you in this. You seem every bit as caring and loving as one of my favorite posters Dealan-de - who has the distinct honor of loving two OCs as much as if they were her own. Seek out her direction if you want to recover your marriage and if you make the choice to keep this child.

I believe you are a wise man, thinking carefully even during times of duress and moving yourself out of the way of harming others even when you have been so wounded.

God bless you!

Sorry to leave everyone hanging, but we have had just a crazy 3 days. Between work, an out of town baseball tournament w/ DS16 and a dance competition w/ DD12 it has been crazy this weekend. We spent Friday evening and Saturday morning watching baseball and then Saturday afternoon my wife and DD12 returned home for the dance competition and left me to finish the baseball weekend. I’m making it a point to make the weekends work free, so I leave the laptop at work and make the weekends about family.

We had a good weekend and really enjoyed our time together. The kids seem to be doing better with their mother since there is less tension between the 2 of us. DW is fully engaged with the family again the way she was before all of this started back in February. I feel better as every day passes and I find myself triggering less and less. But, I know that this may be the lull before the storm, because it won’t be long before she starts to look pregnant and I don’t know how that will affect me until we get there. On Friday, DS16 and I are planning to take the boat a couple of miles up the lake to a little island and camp and fish. Hopefully that will give me a chance to talk w/ him and really find out how he’s doing.

I did have 1 pleasant surprise this weekend. After all of our kid activities, we managed to wrap everything up in time to make it to our Bible study group last night. I had planned to tell everyone about our situation just as she had agreed to last week. On the way there, she reached over and grabbed my hand and apologized again for all the hurt she has caused and thanked me for sticking with her. She then asked if she could be the one to tell everyone since she was the one that caused all of this. For the 1st time since d-day, I really felt like she “got it.” She did a great job of telling everyone and took all of the blame for her affair. We both received a lot of support from our friends and I think there are a couple of ladies in the group that will be a huge asset to DW as she goes forward. I was so blown away by all of this that we had SF for the 1st time in almost 2 months and there was no triggers. I don’t know how long this will last as her body changes, but I’m just going to enjoy it as long as I can.

She went to her 1st IC session last week and we went to our 1st MC session at lunch on Friday. Both went really well. Our MC uses a lot of the Harley’s materials so we are both working on the ENQ this week and we will discuss them together tomorrow night. He told us he would like to work through the ENQ and the LBQ over the next few weeks and then hit POJA hard after that because that would be really important as we try to make all of the decisions that we face over the next 7 months. I feel encouraged by our progress, but I’m still really overwhelmed by all of the challenges we are going to face.

Also, in response to several posters on this thread and another thread, I did talk to a lawyer friend of mine last week who specializes in these types of issues and he walked my through most of the issues that we face. He is researching a couple of items and is going to meet with me and DW later this week to go over all of our options and the pros and cons of each. It’s all just a lot to digest. I am just thankful that we have a few months to make our final decisions.

I'm glad to hear that you are making progress. Good luck in your continued efforts to reconcile your marriage. Continue to keep us posted.

No one can say how they will react to something until they're in it. You're following your path as I likely would, weighing everything as an option.

You obviously love your FWW. Sticking by her through this tough time could give you the marriage you always wanted.

We will root for you regardless of the path you choose. You're getting a very balanced approach on the forum with folks on both sides of the fence giving you food for thought. The decision is ultimately yours and we must respect it.

It sounds like you had a beautiful moment with your FWW. That will always be there regardless of the outcome or path you choose.

Pops,

Like you, I have always found my wife to be particularly sexy when she was pregnant, in fact, I find pregnant women in general to be really sexy. Was that also true for you w/ the OC. I do worry that I will see her differently with this pregnancy. I fear that just as we are beginning to really make progress that the constant sight of her pregnant will trigger bad feelings instead of the warmth and closeness that it has in the past. When/if it triggered you, how did you handle it?

Also, I don’t exactly know how to phrase this, but here it goes. In her past pregnancies(early 2nd trimester), she went through a period where I guess the hormones were going crazy and she literally couldn’t keep her hands off of me. She would almost attack at the door everyday wanting SF. Did this happen with your wife and were you able to continue with SF during her pregnancy? While I really looked forward to this time with my 3 kids, I am really uneasy about it right now. She’s about 8 weeks along, so I know it won’t be long until she reaches this stage.

Hi RB:

I take the hormonal overload approach to why women sometimes do what they do. In the situation you describe, there is a huge need for 'some' women to be hyper because it helps keep their helpmate/protector close. Women are vulnerable whilst pregnant and they know it at some level that may or may not be at totally conscious.

You probably already thought of that.

Larry

RB,,

glad to hear you had a wonderful weekend. sounds like you were able to find some peace. although there were many opinions offered here there was not much peace while you were gone. it was probably best that you missed it. LOL.

i think that your w having some support will be a very good thing.

my discovery was around the same time in my w's preg that yours is. once i thought she wanted to rebuild our marriage sf began like we were a couple of rabbits, maybe even a couple dozen rabbits.

as she grew i still found her sexy yet my interset in sf waned. sf still took place but it did slow down and was nearly non existant in the last trimester. my problem wasn't so much the site of her body. it was more psychological. the knowledge that the baby she was carrying belonged to om brought back images of her and om together.

as she approached her 3rd trimester and the baby was kicking around i started to become more distant from her. my thoughts were that i would never be able to love this child as she would always be a reminder of the A.

now i want to say that (please don't take this as any kind of racial prejudice) in our case om was of a different nationality. we have a granddaughter of mixed race and she inherited more of her fathers genes then my dd's and i love her dearly. but she didn't carry the emotional background that the new baby was carrying. so i was almost deathly afraid that the baby would inherit the om's genes and i would never be able to accept her fully. it was the fear of the unknown that held me captive. time told a different story

now i have to say that had my w taken the same approach that your w seems to be traveling i feel that things may have been a little easier. my w did/does find it very hard to say she is sorry. although she knew she was wrong it she also wanted to point out my lack of fullfillment of her en's causing her to wonder.

some of my children were the same ages as yours are now. my ds 27, dd 19, ds 18, ds 14, ds 12, dd 10, and dd 7. the oldest was out of the house and angry at first but went directly to he will support any decision i made. 19yo dd was very angry at her mother and it took a long time for them to heal. she was pg at the same time. she moved out of the house shortly after. the 18yo ds was afraid that a D was coming but was still supportive of both mom and myself. i think all the younger ones were to young to understand the emotional pain involved so all they saw was a new baby coming into the house.

hopefully that may help you deal with any similarities in the reactions of your children.

TJ.

I must now go wash my mental eye out with bleach.

There are many men that find pregnant women very sexually attractive.

And for some women, pregancy makes SF much better. My understanding is that it has something to do with the growth of more blood veins. Maybe a medical type will know.

I'm so happy you have claimed your place as your wife's husband and lover again. I know it is hard for men. Many women don't have to deal with all of those feelings.

Keep in mind that YOU are banishing the OM from your lives, and protecting this child as a father would.

Hopefully pops and some of the others can help you through the male reaction thing. My advice is to reclaim your place by frequent SF.

You and your wife have a history and family together. I'm hoping that your marriage will make a complete recovery and be better than the one you had before.

Well, we had a little bump in the road last night with DD12 (almost 13). She told her mother that she was going home from school with a friend to work on a project that is due on Friday. What they actually did was sneak off to the mall with her friend’s 16y/o sister. Apparently her mother arrived to pick her up a little early and caught them getting out of the car with their shopping bags.

Here is where the problem arises. They arrived home still arguing and I catch just enough to hear my wife say “I will not tolerate you lying to us.” DD12 responded with “what do you know about the truth, you lied to all of us for months running around with that loser you hooked up with. You wouldn’t know the truth is it bit you in the a$$.” At that, she stormed upstairs to her room and slammed the door.

My wife gets upset with me because I didn’t jump in and help her. I politely told her that “ this was just another of the consequences for what she had done and that this was her mess to fix.” She later apologized and told me that she understood that she was the one that screwed everything up, but that she was just a little overwhelmed because every time that she thinks it’s getting a little better something else pops up. She then spent the rest of the evening moping around the house.

My question is how much should I get involved in these types of issues. I don’t really think it’s my responsibility other than to make sure the kids get all of the support they need to heal from this. I really feel like my wife needs to take the lead in dealing with these problems she has caused. To be honest, I’m afraid I may have enjoyed that little 2x4 that my wife took. I am committed to recovering this marriage 100%, but there is still a part of me that wants her to suffer a little more for what she did.

I did go up to DD12’s room later and talked with her about her lying to us. I told her that what her mother did was very wrong, but that it didn’t give her a license to do the same thing. It’s really hard to tell how much this is just normal teenage rebellion and how much of it is a result of the problems at home. It did remind me how much this has affected the kids and that we need to make sure they get all of the resources they need to heal.

Have I recommended the newsletter Daughters yet? It's amazing for girls your daughter's age. My D17 and I've been reading it together for years. It covers just about everything. Also has an amazing website, lots of stuff on dads and daughters. At www.daughters.com

In your shoes, I would not have interrupted. It's great your daughter feels safe and strong enough to tell her mom what she thinks; encourage it. Her growth is more important than your wife's feelings at this point.

RB, to this day my son still places no weight in conversations that my ex has with him regarding honesty and responsibility. He heard her lie to him for years and now her words have lost every bit of credibility.

I suspect that this will be a growing problem in your marriage and family...and it may be a VERY tough one to overcome.

I think your conversation with your daughter later on was very appropriate...because even thought he child feels that she does not and will not take this type of direction from your wife, she does still need to be accountable to you.

RB,

This is one of those time you need to step up and take charge. You sit down with your DD and your FWW and tell your DD, "Listen, you don't speak to your mother that way. It is wrong for you to lie to us just like it was wrong for her to lie to us. We can't change the past, so it is important to focus on changing things in the future. It's not okay for you to lie to us anymore, just like it's not okay for your mother to lie either. She apologized and you need to as well. I'm fully behind your mother on this, and you need to change your attitude because it won't be tolerated in this house."

I agree. When my FWH first came home my daughter would listen to NOTHING that my FWH had to say, especially when it came to advice or correction. It took a LONG time for this rift to heal between them. Now, they have a great relationship. My daughter respects her dad now for the man he has become, especially knowing where he's been. But it took my husband admitting to her just how wrong he was and acknowledging how badly he hurt her, not just me, by his actions.

RB:


Doing great RB. And nothing wrong with a secret moment to enjoy the unintended consequences heaped on top of the bad choices.

Larry

Great suggestion,to which might be added, "And there are always consequences when we don't do right. Never, ever forget that."

Larry

I would be VERY careful being that stern with his daughter right now. She is reeling from her moms actions and is properly questioning her moms authority to speak on issues of morality right now. I actually applaud my son being able to express those feelings and for having the ability to discern from where he gets his moral direction at this time. I feel the same way for RB's daughter.

You handled it perfectly, IMHO. I agree that your wife needs to mend these bridges herself, at least for now. If you daughter is still speaking to your wife like this in 2 years, after seeing true repentance on WW's part, it would be a different story. But at this point, I'm not sure you can really expect her to have respect where none has been earned. I do think you were right to let her know she shouldn't be lying to you, though, and that two wrongs don't make a right. I strongly feel though, that if you force her to pretend everything is ok with WW, that she will become much more rebellious. Unfortuantely, what's happening now is just one of many consequences of adultery.

I’m guessing that I shouldn’t have given her that high 5 as she stormed off to her room either. Just kidding.

Jim, I had basically that exact conversation w/ DD12 last night although not that sternly. I just wanted her to know that I understand her hurt, but that I can't excuse her lying. I didn’t include the wife in it, but maybe I should have.

I am just getting worn down by all of this a little bit. Not only am I having to deal w/ my wife’s infidelity and resulting pregnancy, but to this point, I have also done most of the heavy lifting of recovery and now I am expected to deal with the fallout from the kids, all while working fulltime to support the family. I guess there is still a small part of me that want’s my wife to suffer a little more to make sure she really understands what she has done.

I told her last night that I would step in and not allow the kids to disrespect her. But, that her affair has not only damaged our marriage, but it has also damaged her relationship w/ the kids. I also told her that I couldn’t “fix” things between her and the kids. She is the only one who can do that.

I think maybe I’m just a little tired. Hopefully I can get a few days of rest this weekend and get recharged for all that’s still to come.

Hi Runnerboy -

"I am just getting worn down by all of this a little bit"
"I think maybe I’m just a little tired"

You are really stepping up to the plate and being a good dad and husband, but don't forget to take time out for yourself to be refreshed. Run, go for a walk, find a quiet place to meditate, things like that...healthy ways to become rejuvenated.

I would tell a woman to get her hair and nails done - I'm not sure what men do. LOL. Play raquetball? Practice Karate? Anyway, remember to take care of yourself, too.

God bless,
Rose