Just a guess. but go running maybe?

"Just a guess. but go running maybe? "

LOL. That was my first guess, too!

I chuckled when I read this. Naw, you didn't have to physically give her a high 5. You gave her that by not stepping in at the exact moment she was being honest to her mom.

I think you did just fine. As long as the kids know there is a boundary as to how far they can go with their "honesty."

RB:

Welcome to the wonderful world of wearing horns.


No, it isn't fair. There is nothing fair about infidelity. There is nothing fair about the heavy lifting you will have to do for reasons you find appropriate and because of who you are. What you are dealing with is the consequences of choices your wife made and you had no part of making those choices.

Just like roughly half the males you see on the street (or more), you will wear the horns of a cockold the rest of your life even if you divorce. Yet all is not lost. You can mitigate this in your mind and the minds of the rest of us guys who are in the same place you are, by simply doing the right thing with honor, dignity and logic as best you can.


Absolutely right. You have responsibility for the kids. You have no obligation to protect your wife from all the consequences of her bad choices.

And as the consequences of her choices pile up higher and higher, she likely gets lower and lower in her own mind. Your wife can react in many different ways as she attempts to cope with the mess she choose to make of her life. You have chosen tough love and the white knight role. That suits your personality and status as a "real" man.

Good for you.

Larry

Your wife is terrible in my opinion. She should have a big letter tatooed on her forehead. Oh the pregnancy is that letter. How heinous. I feel for you and dont know how you can stand it. Wow.

Of course you are tired and worn down! I think you have been running on adrenaline and the knowlege that at some point you will have to formulate a definite plan. But an occasional "crash" is almost inevitable. This is one of the reasons many of us would recommend not making final decision just yet.
In the meantime, I am praying for you to have some rest and clarity of mind.

She’s no worse than any other wayward. She’s just my wayward.

The running comment made me laugh. I just might do that tonight. I have gone from running 4 days a week when this started to only once or twice a week.

I did get a little stress relief today at lunch. I took my .45 to the local gun range and did a little target shooting. I wrote OM’s name on the top of a silhouette target and proceeded to castrate him with an entire clip. I’m thinking maybe I should mail it to him. Just Kidding! I think I made the guy in the lane next to me a little uneasy by running target after target down the lane and then obliterating the crotch of the target.

I can relate, i am just now getting back up to 5M 4Xweek 5 months after D-day. Before that I was thinking about getting up to marathon distance this year. Maybe next year.


LOL, yes, I would be somewhat perturbed by that!

Ooooooooo.....I did that too. What a great stress relief.

Mine's a 1944 M1911 produced by Remington Rand complete with cavalry lanyard. All I changed were the sites to 3-point combat.

Yep, I did some paper Gollum huntin' during my tour.



Ha! I did that too!

ROFLMAO

i too think that you handled things fine.

i also think that you need to be next to your w when/if she has her talks with the kids. i believe this will send a very strong message to your children that you are going to stand beside her and with your marriage and family. that this doesn't have to divide the family it can actually pull you together.

there should be several messages being sent. consequences for ones actions, still maintaining respect, 2 wrongs don't make it right, forgiveness, compassion and who knows how many more.

when my w had her A our 19 yo dd was living with us. her and her mom had a huge falling out for exactly the same reason. my w was telling dd how to be careful about further preg's and std's and then she herself turns up preg from om.

i understand exactly how you feel saying that you feel your w should suffer a little bit more. or did you say alot more? just kidding.

you know that is just the pain and anger talking? right?

Crackin up with the "high 5" line

RB,

I liked the high 5 idea. I thought I would weigh in with a few other thoughts though.

My W and I have had more than a few friends divorce. There were many reasons, most not good in my opinion but no one asked. However, there was almost a universal constant following the divorce and that was the kids playing both ends against the middle. In the long run the kids hurt themselves and they sure do hurt both parents.

Your daughters behavior is constant with that of an adolscent girl of her age. And her response is consistent with a child playing both ends against the other. While she blames your W or at least uses her actions against her, she is very likely to have done this no matter what IF she could have found a way to leverage this into someone elses fault.

So while you are entitled to want a little payback, it may come at a higher cost than you realize now. The trouble with teenagers is if the go off course at 13-14, it is really hard to get them back on course before they hit the age where they KNOW EVERYTHING 15-17.

So please think about this and talk with your W about it. Your daughter does have anger and she is really entitled to that anger, but you cannot let her hurt herself in the process. I think your message needs to be more encompassing than it was.

Just as your W actions hurt more than her or yourself, your daughter lying and using your W as an excuse to ignore parental advice, rules, expectations has broader consequences than she realizes. She herself could be hurt by this (hence the parental rules right? ), you are hurt by this (you don't need more to deal with right), your family could be hurt...more (if your W gets really down, she may quit and leave the marriage (physically or mentally) and then all will be hurt more.

You are trying to hold your family together. You are entitled and justified in your need for a bit of revenge if you will, but the idea is to win the war not just a battle. If your W loses faith in her family and their support, she my check out mentally and/or physically. Then all of YOUR hard work and pain will have been wasted.

THis is what makes real recovery sooooo hard. THe balancing act that a BS must go through, and then ultimately the FWS must also go through. You have done so well.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Hmmm, for the first time in my life im having an overwhelming urge to excerise my 2nd Ammendment rights!!

Where can I buy those crotch targets??

RB, have you see Dr. Harleys video on infidelity? It might come in handy right now. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

RB:

This post, which I quoted whole, is why JL is such a valuable asset on this support forum, IMHO. If he were to ever leave, I would do my best to find him and drag him back.

Teenagers have tons of time to plot and scheme. And reality is ignored while they follow their near uncontrollable emotions around.

I mentioned your wife getting down in my last post to you. JL said what I should have expanded and said although I was thinking about it. What you don't want to happen is to have your wife give up. There are still kids to raise and a life to live.

And your wife is a run of the mill, scripted and likely temporary infidel who needs to climb back up the ladder after her fall. And yes, you are right, she is yours. As time goes on, I think that simple statement is going to take on a new dimension that will benefit both of you in many ways. Your common sense, compassion, honor and dignity is a credit to your manhood.

Larry

Ditto that Larry.

I totally agree that children disrespecting parents REGARDLESS of their flaws while not to be unexpected is also unacceptable in the longer term. If RB is able to forgive his wife and HE is the one who has been cruely betrayed, the kids need to accept that as well.

<donning my asbestos undies>

Between the firing range and my run last night, I feel much better today. Thanks to all of you yesterday who reminded me that this is a long, hard road. While I do want her to fully understand the pain she has caused, I don’t want it to destroy her in the process. After all, the goal is for all of us to recover and have a better marriage and family than before.

Also, for those who commented about the issue with DD12, I may have given her a virtual high5 in my head, but the reality is that she had it explained to her quite clearly that her lying and disobedience was unacceptable. She also lost her cell phone for a week. I know that doesn’t sound like punishment for most of us, but for a 12, almost 13, y/o it is bordering on cruel and unusual punishment.

I also had a great talk with my wife last night, where we went through our ENQ’s. As expected, her top two were admiration and conversation, neither of which come easy for me. Mine on the other hand are Recreational companionship and SF (which she has met wonderfully over the past 3 days). We also talked about how we could go about meeting those needs for one another. It took about 2 hours, but it was well worth the time. Now comes the hard part which is meeting those needs.

Also, thanks Melody for the video link. I will watch it tonight.

"""""""" but for a 12, almost 13, y/o it is bordering on cruel and unusual punishment.


rb you will get thru this just fine. you are showing enormous strength, wisdom, guidance for your family, character, compassion and you haven't lost your sense of humor

cudoos to you

My sense of humor is one of the few things helping me get through all of this.

I have another story that’s kind of funny. DD19 went to get some contracts out of my car this afternoon and found my targets from the gun range. When she came in, she put the contracts on my desk, pulled the targets from behind her back, and said “you really shouldn’t leave these lying around or people are going to find out just how disturbed you really are.” I just laughed and told her it was too bad that I didn’t have ESP or I could have prevented all of this with a few well placed shots a few months ago.

She had noticed that I had about 10 of the silhouette targets with the crotch shot out and only about ½ of them had OM’s name on it. So I told her the others are for me to hang around the house when she brings a new boyfriend home and they are blank so I can write his name on them to “encourage” him to be a gentleman.

On the Plan A front, I am planning a little surprise picnic for just the 2 of us tonight. I’m going to pick up some Chinese takeout from one of her favorite restaurants and take her to a little park down the road where they have a summer music series. It sounds a little hokey to me, but DD19 assures me that I’ll score major points.

Continue to take your DDs advice. My H is a master at that sort of spontaneous event and it NEVER grows old!

God's Blessings,

Say