SD

I not gonna yell at ya. I've been in the dip these past few weeks too. On the upswing now though. Anyway, I understand the companionship part. In 4 years I would be doing good to say that I had seen WH 100 times (days). Realistically a lot less. I feel like I've been seperated that long anyway. It just gets plain old.

So whine a little, but then get back on track. I hate to be a downer, but I don't think either one of us has a lot of chips at the craps table. We're just both in crap, and I think I'm just about done with crap. We're the ones eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone etc while the WS has all their needs met. Then we have to welcome them back with open arms?

Here's to ya SD. See you after American Idol....

Funny, I don't miss PWC nearly as much as I miss the idea of him.

Oh, crap!

I'm listening to an Allison Krauss compliation, and she's singing "I ain't missin you" with John Waite. Geez (rolley eye). It's beautiful. BAd timing.

"in your world, I have no meaning, though I'm tryin hard to understand"

DANG!!! what a great line. Must be some experience behind that lyric.

Anyway, this, too, shall pass. I get MUSHY when I hear songs or think about some ideal situation, but reality is soooo much different. I try, these days, to remember that WS as much as I can, how he IS right now, today, when I look back or idealize how things USED to be.

I do long for a companion, and some lovins. Repairing a piece of myself only a lover can reach. Otherwise, I'm A OKAY. I have faith that I will REAP what I SOW, and I'm working hard to do GOOD, especially by my son.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Can't yell at you either man, though I imagine a lot of folks have secretly been yelling at me.

Still stuck in the Plan A the W, plan B the WW mode until we hear back from the eval.. which I've also been anxious about seeing as it's been a month now and no word.

This means when she's playing nice I play nice, and when there's the venom spew I wander off. It's almost a Pavlovian approach, but it's been leaving me with more down days than not as she's been MUCH more talkative and 'playing nice' these days.

Were the legal bit not in the way, and my son safe at home with me, yeah.. this would be the PERFECT moment for Plan B.

Still.. leaves me in the crud quite a lot and I completely feel you guys on the whole companionship thing. Heck guys.. I've thought about letting the dog in bed just so I have 'someone' to curl up with.

Chris.. don't even -think- about hitting that quote button..

It's just gotten that bad some nights.

Fact is though Guy.. you and I both have the same problem.

We just ain't all the way done yet.

I sleep with my dog, and it's kinda like having WH in the bed - she snores like a freight train, hogs the bed, takes all the covers, and farts sometimes too.

It is what it is.
And you HAVE to learn to accept it.
Once you do, you will be so much better. You will be able to move on.
I am not saying necessarily move on to a new R. But move FORWARD, instead of looking back.
You have a whole life ahead of you, look at that. Don't look at what could have been, what should have been.
Live more in the present. It will do you wonders.

Silly point, but the 'Dog Whisperer' always says how dogs don't live in the past, they live in the present, what is happening to them NOW. And they react. I think sometimes that it is a good way to live, when there has been such a trauma as infidelity.

Live, Breathe, and LOVE. It is what you are here for.

I wish you well!

Thanks to all, starting with Fox. I actually wasn't being sarcastic when I said it helped when she yelled at me. Knowing that there are people out there who care about me makes a big difference. It's also a good reminder for me to post more, which seems to help me avoid funks.

I bounce around in my mental state--Doneness, acceptance, letting go--all of it. Even trying to look inside the wayward mind and convince them of things is a wagon I have fallen off of from time to time.

Lots of anger lately. Maybe because of the settlement negotiations (via email), which went well for me but demonstrated her continued waywardness. Or maybe having the absurdity of our situation pointed out a lot lately.

Case in point. DS8's baseball games. She only shows up at games on her days (mercifully), which have been the minority, but there have been two of those in the past couple of weeks. I sit with the rest of the parents (moms, mostly) in the outfield. The SCQ shows up and carefully sits apart from me, maybe 50 or 75 feet away. DD4 is free to wander around and has spent more time sitting with me than the SCQ.

At one game she announced rather loudly "I wish this was a daddy day" in front of a family I am friends with (and who know the situation). Then my parents were with me at the last game, so she spent almost all her time with us. The SCQ was sitting off by herself while we were talking with the rest of the parents (including explaining my predicament to one mom who talked first about her own unusual marriage). It was uncomfortable to be a party to, so much so that my mom went over and talked with the SCQ for a while.

It's absurd that we have to live this way, but like you said, Sadmo, it is what is is, and when I am able to respect that without getting angry about it, I'm a happier person.

I think she might have been uncomfortable about the game because she got snippy via email over homework instructions later that night. She sent me a text message asking me to scan some instructions and email them to her, and I didn't get the TM until after the kids would have been in bed, so I emailed her that I couldn't scan them and that he should have called me if he had needed something. I thought it was DS8 asking for them and couldn't see anything from the instructions that he would have needed, but it turns out that she was the one who wanted them. So then she got testy with her response. I could explain how the whole thing was a miscommunication to her now, but why bother. What I'm really doing is biting back the urge to say "You're the one who has chosen this absurd lifestyle for us, so you figure out how to deal with homework instructions."

Last weekend was my full weekend with the kids (when my parents were here). But this weekend is Memorial Day, and since she had it last year, I get it this year, which means according to our schedule I get this full weekend, too. Then, according to the calendar, I would have the majority of the next weekend as well. It was feeling like a lot of time, so when the SCQ asked about how to work this weekend, I told her I didn't need all of it. We worked out an agreement such that she will have some more time this weekend.

I got the kids back today, and when I told them this, they already knew it for the most part. I mentioned that it would have been another full weekend but that I gave some time back because I thought they could use some more time with their mother, and they each told me that they would rather be over here. I wasn't fishing, and I'm still a bit surprised about how quickly it came out, especially from my 4-year old.

Maybe I should tell her I've changed my mind about the weekend--that I've decided to keep the whole weekend because the kids told me they would rather be with me.

I'm glad you didn't take offense that I yelled. I meant it to be funny.

Of course we care, don't doubt that for a moment. I've heard it described as a pendulum before - and I really relate to that. Sometimes I'm on a real high and others I'm in a funk. Finding lots of time in the middle, too, though.

It's kind of like a grandfather clock. You give the pendulum a good swing to get it going and it settles itself into the right rythm.

We're still finding our rythm. It'll come.



That is so sweet!


I have a tough time with these type of interactions. SCQ made her bed and it would be awful tough for me to accept one of my family members smoothing an awkward situation that they created.

Keep posting, Guy Smiley. Even if just to vent. That stuff has to go somewhere or it ends up in your shoulders and neck.

Fox

You are wise, Your Foxiness. I've been fighting my shoulders a lot lately. Another massage scheduled for Saturday.


Yeah, I hear you. She understands that these kinds of things make me twitchy, but she checked with me first. Later she told me all they talked about was the kids, but it was understood that I didn't want to hear about the SCQ or her life or anything.


Funny and therapeutic both.

I survived DS8's open house. The SCQ had told me that if I didn't want to be in the same space as her, we could switch off the kids halfway through, which is what we did. I did the first half.

I meant to say hi to DD4 at the swap but found I didn't want to get that close to the SCQ. I just kind of pointed DS8 towards her and walked off. Not that big a deal, since I dropped DD4 off tomorrow.

Triggering.

I was kind of wandering around the school, looking at families, when some of my neighbors walked up and asked me how things were going. My response was "I hate my wife." They already knew that, of course.

I feel okay, though.

I'm not looking forward to DS's birthday party Saturday, since PWC is going to be there. Whatever. He's a business partner now, so I'll just treat him like that, without all the handshaking and niceties.


DS will be six years old in just a few short hours.

Gang all checked in today, sdguy. Where u b?

Fox

Been busy with work and play, but have been meaning to check in. Just got home from the baseball game, and it's too late--I'll post something tomorrow.

Thanks for asking!

Glad to see you're still doing well Guy.

We've been missing a shovel..

Hey.....

I saw you floating around a couple of threads this morning but I don't seen an update on your thread.

Wazzup?

Fox

I'm lazy. Or still trying to formulate what to say. I've been busy with kids and work

Over the past five weeks or so I slowly descended into a funk and have been slowly coming out of it. I think the source was lots of contact (emails over generic kid stuff as well as working out asset distribution and being at baseball games at the same time).

I've improved. The anger is more like pity over the past several days, and the internal conversation hasn't started up in the vacant moments (driving, falling asleep) the way it was previously. The whole dating urge came back at me a few weeks ago, but that has largely gone away again. So I'm getting better at recognizing these signs (after they have dissipated, anyway) of funk. Not sure how to apply it.

I checked in with my lawyer on the agreement the SCQ and I worked out, and it is in my favor. In exchange for a few thousand more from the house equity, the SCQ agreed to drop spousal support. It works out to a little over a year's worth of payments (maybe she figures she will be remarried by then). She also waived a claim she could have made on some assets that are mine.

She continues to courteously and dispassionately (albeit slowly) proceed with the divorce. She respects my plan B--she keeps her distance. She even sent me a text message at the baseball game the other day (when we were doing a kid transfer) asking me where I wanted her to leave the stuff. From like 50 feet away.

Maybe this is an issue for me. I have found myself back on the 'Why can't she see that this is absurd' bus. All the stuff I have been wanting to tell her has been churning (Can't you see how stupid this is? Can't you see what you're doing to your kids and how much respect for you they're going to lose?)

Or maybe I was paying a price for continuing the Jennifer-letters and whatever shred of hope goes along with them. I sent another one of those via email a few weeks ago (It doesn't have to be this way). There was no response (like all the others), not that I was expecting one.

It's the roller coaster, I think, and I was recycling some old wounds (how can you think this is a good idea? how can you walk away from 14 years of marriage like THIS?)

I've been keeping busy doing fun things. The Cubs have been in town, and I'm taking both kids to the game tonight. I went with friends on Monday and with DS8 last night. Trying to make the time be about the kids when I have them (Summer Splash at the school, watching movies together, going to the Wild Animal Park).

Doing stuff I want to do when I don't have them--yoga, massage. Took a long walk on the beach on Sunday. I'm completely hooked on scroll-sawing, too. I've been making wooden puzzles out of different woods. If I knew an easy way, I would post pictures of them, because they are way cooler than anything I thought I would be able to do. DS8 had a birthday party to go to over the weekend, and I spaced out the present until stores were already closed, so DS8 and I were trying to come up with something. DS8 said "we could give him a puzzle," which hadn't even occurred to me. I have given plenty of them away, but the fact that DS8 thought it would make a good birthday present for one of his friends was gratifying. I frequently find myself wishing I was woodworking (making dust) instead of doing whatever is I happen to be doing, like work.

Okay, that's probably enough. It felt scattered, but it's too many days worth of updates all rolled into one. The gist is that I continue to improve from the recent funk.

SD,

Glad you are doing well. You have worked your plan so well and have stayed the course longer than most. If she continues with the D, you can leave knowing that you did everything humanly possible. It will allow you the freedom to continue your life with no burdens attached or demons to deal with. Unlike the SCQ. When she wakes up, which she will someday, she'll have a lot to resolve.

I admire your strength. You're a good person SD. Unfortunately you won't be there when she realizes it. What a pity.

I envy you having a beach to walk on. Very cool....

Guy,

Have you considered dropping all the letters to SCQ from this point on?

Thanks, CL.

I find myself wishing I no longer wanted reconciliation. Or thinking about wishing for that.

Tuesday night, I took DS8 to the baseball game while DD5 stayed with the SCQ (it was the SCQ's night). Then last night, I took both kids. As I was picking up DD4 from day care yesterday, I was commenting that it was good to have a game with just DS8 (given that DD5 really doesn't care about the game), and my provider said "Oh, yes, DD4 was really excited about having a girls night" but then DD4 said "yeah, til POSOM ruined it."

Trigger! So driving back from the game, it was all going through my head again. "Can't you see that your kids don't want this? Can't you see what a waste all of this is? Do you realize what a lousy mother you've become?"

Then this morning, DD4 asked me whether there were going to be any more fires (thinking about the wildfires we had here last year). I said that I hoped not, and she said "Good, I won't have to go back to POSOM's house again." Sigh.

I think I've done an excellent job about not probing for information about what goes on with POSOM being around (because it is triggering and I really don't want to know). DS8 is sensitive to this--he knows that it makes me upset--so he doesn't bring it up. But then it just becomes the thing that we don't talk about. How is that healthy? I mean, I'm sure that's how it works over at the SCQ's place--um, yeah, I'm still married to your father, but we just won't talk about it. All that does is foster the kinds of communication skills that brought us where we are today, and I really really don't want that for my children.

It's been written elsewhere, but it's not so much the SCQ that I miss, it's the idea of an intact family. We could still be good together, but there are aspects to companionship I would enjoy that the SCQ just can't do; traits she just doesn't posess. On top of the massive amount of damage she did to me personally.

I can't fix it. But because it's about me and mine, I want to fix it. But I can't. Grr.

Accept that this is the way it is today. Breathe. Now you can enjoy today.

I know that I have posted this before. I would be lieing if I said I didn't STILL think about this, but it's an IDEAL, not the real thing. The real thing is PWC sleeping on the couch and me still feeling like I'm living alone, massive amounts of cake consumed and damage that is nearly insurmountable.

As for your kids, as long as you leave the door open to them to talk about how this affects them you are doing what you can.

All right, sdguy. I think I told you once before.





I hear ya, though, sdguy. Your little booger can't help but be a little bit of a trigger when she says things like that.

However, be glad she isn't going on and on about how GREAT he is. He RUINS things and she DREADS going to his house during a fire.

On the other hand, didn't you hear not too long ago "I wish it was a Daddy day"

She isn't buying the daddy stand-in anymore than you are.


I'm guilty of this, too. Still. But SL is right - it's the IDEAL not the REALITY. It's our own FANTASY of who we wished they were.

Hang in there and breath, sdguy. Better days are comin'.

Fox