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Joined: Mar 2007
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KM,

Tigger is only frustrated because she cares. Please take what she says in that spirit. She is right on when she says that you need to decide what you want. If you want to save this marriage then NC with OM is an absolute. I have been the OM in an EA with NC thrust on me. It is not easy but it is necessary to save a marriage. On the other hand if you decide to move on from your H and get a D then I think NC with OM becomes a non-issue. But you have to decide upfront.

That said, Nerly is also right in saying that not all marriages can/should be saved. It sounds like it is (and was even prior to the A and P) a pretty volatile situation and frankly a potentially dangerous one for someone who is P.

Only you can decide what you want. But you need to decide now. You will never hit a target that isn't there. Once you decide there are many good people here to help and support you. But the first step is your and yours alone.

Please contemplate Believer's post as you decide. I fear that will be your destiny if you decide to abort what you seem to acknowledge is an innocent life in all of this. I fear abortion will destroy any chance you have to truly save your M. You will only end up hating your H for "making" you do this and you'll end up getting D anyway.

Remember the right way in relationships and in life is rarely the easy way. But it is the best way to ensure long-term success in all areas of your life.

Stay here please. Please don't go away.

rj

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If you don't want to abort, please do not do it just to please your H. It will haunt you and there is no guarantee he will get over it. I am getting this awful vision of you aborting then your H saying, good, now I plan to divorce you anyway.

And as far as what other people think, who cares? You might be the hot topic for a little bit, but something new will happen and you'll be old news in no time. And as far as him suing for custody of your children, keep your nose clean and don't move out and leave them (COM) with him. He will have to prove you unfit. I don't know where you live, but in a lot of states an A doesn't make you lose custody of your kids.

You don't sound at all happy in this M. Think really hard before you make any decisions regarding carrying this child.

{{KM}}

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This is a little old but what happened?

If you really despise your husband so much, why even worry about his opinion on the child? Sounds like your marriage is over regardless. You think he will be able to forget the affair and move on? It sounds like he won't be able to and your relationship will be dead anyways. He wants you to get rid of the first thing that bothers him immensely. Once that is gone, he'll focus on the other things and the affair as a whole. You said he is a great father but a terrible husband I guess? You can't be a good role model to children being a nasty husband.

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RNmom7 Offline OP
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Generic- I popped in here and saw that you were inquiring about what happened with me.

I decided to try to fix my marriage and so I had an abortion on March 9. I ended the relationship with the ex and began focusing only on my husband and children.

Now, my husband has pretty much resorted to being the same as he was before he discovered the affair. We were doing marriage counseling with another pastor and he was supposed to go a few weeks by himself to deal with his issues without me being there to hear what he has to say about me. He went once and then no showed and never rescheduled. Now, he is a little more attentive but not much. Things are the same except I have to deal with crappy comments about me being a tramp and how I'm going to burn in ****** on top of what I dealt with before. But, what should I expect?

So, the only thing I have accomplished thus far was covering my "secret" and saving my family the embarassment of my scandal by having the abortion. Now I have a terrible time dealing with it, especially when I do ultrasounds on women who are as far along as I would have been.
I did see that the baby was buried and so I spend my really bad moments there asking both him and God for forgiveness.

A week ago the ex went on a date with another girl and I was absolutely devasted. I broke NC and called to express my feelings about him "dating" so soon after our situation. (Like I have any right to delegate his life, right.) Anyway, he did respect my wishes and told the woman that he had unresolved issues in his private life that he needed to take care of before allowing himself to become involved with her. He asked that she respect his privacy at this time.

So, I am back to square one I guess. : (

Last edited by RNmom7; 04/23/07 11:51 AM.
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Ok, I was gonna type out this whole long thing, but all I have to say is I'm sorry you chose to go through with the abortion, I don't feel you really did end things with your ex, and until you do, you will get no where in your M. You need to make the choice and stick with it. If your ex is SO important that YOU feel offended that "so soon" he is on a date, well, I honestly don't blame your H, regardless if he knows of the broken NC or not. He probably senses where your feelings lay, and that's why you still get the nasty comments.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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RN Mom,

I don't know if you will ever check back to read this, but I did want to drop a note of love, support, and blessing for you. You made several excruciating choices, they were NOT unwise ones, and I honor them and see the good that will come from them.

It doesn't get much press, but are you aware that about 40-45% women in America have had at least one abortion by the time they are 45? This is not a happy statistic, but it is a correct one. Imagine the kind of grief that is wandering out and about in the world, when thinking about that figure <sigh>

1) It would have been nearly impossible to continue to repair your marriage, where your living children were being raised, if this child had been born (to your husband's anger and resentment).

2) You could probably have expected interference in your family life from the other man at some time in the future, and it would have been nearly impossible to excoriate him (the OM), without your husband's willingness to unconditionally lovingly raise the baby, because there would always have been that element missing in the child's life.

3) In the event that the destabilized marriage failed (or should it do so in the future), having a little baby would have put you in a weaker position to provide for yourself and your family. And the marriage was not in strong standing to begin with.

Truly, my heart goes out to you and all of your losses. Godspeed.

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Hello everyone not sure if this chat thread is still active... but I've been married 7yrs and the last 3 have just been ******... I have 3 children 6, 4, and a newborn and the newborn is the reulst of an affair.. my H and I just found out in the beginning of june, we had a DNA test done. Well back in Feb my H was relocated for work from CA to OR so he has been living in OR every since, it's been about 6 months. Up until the baby was born he would travel back and forth to visit us at least every 3 to 4 weeks.. during that time of course things were extremely ruff but we continued to have a sexual relationship and I never knew were I stood but was trying so hard to make things right i took anything I could get...during the last year I have healed so much Got my life straight/right with god and made some major changes..... The plan was always for us, regardless of the results to move out to Oregon after the baby was born so that the kids could be near him so now the kids and I have moved to OR as well and it's been awful since the moment we got here.. as to be expected he his very angry and just acts like he hates me... and now the last year of me changing and repenting for myself and my family has been wiped away in his eyes and now he wants a divorce... 2 days after the result he decided thats it so...now my question is I know I have to let him go but does this mean I need to let go completely or is it still ok to have faith and hope for my family? or is this setting myself up for more heart ache... help... i feel so lost and alone..

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RNmom7 Offline OP
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I had not been here since my last post but something compelled me to come here and after reading the new posts I am so glad that I listened to myself.

I have been on a roller coaster the past nine months but my husband and I are recovering from the affair. I was a little ticked at Tigger following my last post. Not because of what she posted but because she was right. I had not completely ended contact with the ex and she was right on target when she said that. Then, I was angry with myself for not having the will power to end the emotional part of the affair, I was mad that my husband wouldn't let it go, and I was frusturated that the ex wouldn't just go away and let it end.

I'm happy to announce that I have succeeded in NC with the OM since June. This is a huge step for me and I pleased with myself for making it this long. The OM is still constantly trying to get my attention by passing me purposely and emailing but I continue to ignore him. At first it was hard for me to let things end but now it is much easier.

I'm able to see that my husband's comments are warranted and I just need to allow him to grieve and vent the way he knows how. I have opened my eyes and see that he is the man who loves me unconditionally and who I want to share my life with.

Sure, I enjoyed the excitement and thrill of the affair, but it is much better to spend my life with a man who may not be the best lover but loves and respects me rather than one who does not.

Massiel, I am so sorry that you find yourself in the position that you are in. This is a wonderful place to post and receive advise. Listen to it. People here care enough to help you through your trials, take their advice. Your husband is hurt and showing you in the only way that he knows how. I hope that you are able to find peace with your situation. I know it is not a fun place to be.

I wish that I could go back to that day in September when I received the initial contact from my ex. He was NOT the person that I thought I loved and missed all of those years. I regret that I put that much emotion into missing him and not concentrating on more important issues in my life. I really messed up royally.

Tigger, thank you for your tough love. I needed that. I plan on periodically posting on here in another topic. I do NOT want to relapse and I know that you all are a wonderful support system to help me achieve this goal.

Joined: Jul 2004
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I am clapping for you! Please, please keep us updated on your progress. Are you and H working the MB program?


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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RNmom7 Offline OP
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Update:

Things are still going really well with my husband and I. I can honestly say that our marriage is the best it has ever been. We still have issues agreeing upon how to raise our daughter but it is nothing like how it was before.

He is now working for a company where he travels several days a week and I honestly think that his job has strengthened our marriage. I really miss him terribly while he is away and can't wait for him to get home.

Several months ago we started going back to church and God is really working in our lives. Praise Him for that, the lack of Him was really evident and I was in total shambles. I still am not where I was prior to the A,but things are looking much much better.

I started seeing a psychiatrist late last year and was diagnosed with Manic Depressive Disorder. That was something that I suspected I had for several years but was too embarrassed to seek treatment for. I am now on medicine and my household says that I am much better to live with. I think much more rationally and am much more patient.

I do still mourn the baby I aborted. That is something I still highly regret and something I anticipate I will deal with for a very long time.

As for the OM, I no longer struggle with NC. He doesn't really attempt to contact me too much anymore. But on the occasions when he drives past me and waves, I turn my head. After our "relationship" ended, he was in a relationship with another married woman and has destroyed her marriage also. Now that her husband is divorcing her I have heard that he (my OM) has moved on to someone else. I really feel sorry for her and her family. She wasn't strong enough to get away from him before it was too late.

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rnmom,

I am glad that you are still on the road of recovery. It's never an easy road, but if you stay on target, you will get through any bumps or twists. I am glad that my last post to you was taken as it was meant. I am sorry that you are still in pain over your lost child, but keep your faith in God and He will help soothe that pain. It is sad when the OP proves us right, because that means just that many other lives that will be harmed and families ruined. I'm just glad that you, like myself, came to your senses and are now walking that path that will not lead you wrong.

As for your issues of agreeing on how to raise your DD, well, have you worked together on the POJA? It can really work wonders. If you haven't already, look it up and work with your DH to come to an enthusiastic agreement together.

Thanks for your update, and I wish you the best.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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