I am not at all sure my wife would agree with you that I was the perfect guy with whom to find recovery from an affair. I was pretty rough with her in extremely specific and exact language about her choices. I didn't scream or yell, I just said what was on my mind. One very key thing I said to her was, "Ok WW, I have invested a ton of myself making sure you had the opportunity to be the best you can be in life instead of holding you back as your father and your previous relationship was intent on doing." "So my payback is for you to go out and do the most hurtful and stupid thing you could do with your life and at the same time, risk our kids to an uncertain future." "I am not impressed."

In effect, I told her she could grow up or get on down the road. She elected to grow up. And I am glad she did. I did try to help her anyway I could and frankly, I expected her to help me as well. My best friend in life is a shrink and his help was invaluable for both of us. He protested loud and long about the simple fact we were not being counseled by him because he didn't do that with those he knew socially or who were friends, then he coached us anyway.

If you remember, I had the attitude that just because my wife did something without honor, that had nothing to do with me. I took an oath, a vow when we got married. I honored that vow even in the face of what she did. Two wrongs do not get it right. I also did what I did for the kids. They didn't deserve the uncertain future they would have had if I had bailed on my wife. And I did it for me. Well, I did it for me and my wife, once. There are no other chances. As you probably remember, I courted her to a degree in an effort to restart our relationship and build a new one. I am not my wife. Just because she tried to screw up her life, my life and the kid's lives didn't mean I had to make it worse.

She had her affair with this long lost relative who showed up looking for family. He is my only living relative except for his son. She says she cost me that relationship by the choices she made. She is right. It was a classic case of the XX steps to infidelity. And it looks as if he was not as emotionally involved as he said as we found out later on. The issue is that I would like a relationship with the son. But to do that, I have to have one with the father. And there is no reset button in life. I haven't worked up exactly what to say and how to say it in a post I could present for opinions and help. I may never, I just don't know.

Do read runnerboy65 thread. That guy is something else.

Larry

(If you remember, I had the attitude that just because my wife did something without honor, that had nothing to do with me. I took an oath, a vow when we got married. I honored that vow even in the face of what she did. Two wrongs do not get it right. I also did what I did for the kids. They didn't deserve the uncertain future they would have had if I had bailed on my wife. And I did it for me. Well, I did it for me and my wife, once. There are no other chances. As you probably remember, I courted her to a degree in an effort to restart our relationship and build a new one. I am not my wife. Just because she tried to screw up her life, my life and the kid's lives didn't mean I had to make it worse.)==================
==================================================================

This paragraph is extremely important in the face of infidelity. Two wrongs don't make it right. You still honor your wife even though she did the most horrible thing anyone can do to another.


You were very firm with her, but without insults and bringing her more down. Lots of BS make their WWs feel really bad, and it takes any chance of recovery away.





(She had her affair with this long lost relative who showed up looking for family. He is my only living relative except for his son. She says she cost me that relationship by the choices she made. She is right. It was a classic case of the XX steps to infidelity. And it looks as if he was not as emotionally involved as he said as we found out later on. The issue is that I would like a relationship with the son. But to do that, I have to have one with the father. And there is no reset button in life. I haven't worked up exactly what to say and how to say it in a post I could present for opinions and help. I may never, I just don't know.
================================================================

Larry, how close was this relative to your wife? What son are you talking about? DId your wife had a son with this relative?


There is definetely no reset button in life. Gosh, I wish there was one sometimes. To erase all the wrongs that I have done. But we have to live with the stupid choices we made in life. Like my husband said, it is pretty hard to live with yourself after doing something so horrible. But we must go on with life and try very hard to do as best as "we can".


"
I still had no chance to read "runnerboy65 thread". I will later on.

Myrta

Well, I dunno about honoring my wife so much

I honored my vows and my dedication to the family. We have three kids, one mine biologically and two from her previous marriage who I have raised since they were five and three. They are my kids in all but genetic material. The youngest calls me daddy and the older one wants to, but he is male and has the usual male issues. He tells everyone but me I am his dad.

It seemed to me that my wife was punishing herself enough and I saw no need to increase the dosage. Regreting the choices we make in life doesn't stop the pain we inflict on others. She regrets the choice she made, understands more or less why she did what she did and now protects her weaknesses. It was a unique circumstances where the OM in question was able to get within her boundaries because of who he was. Knowing her as I do, I find it unlikely that she would have been vulnerable to anyone else.

The relative is mine. No, my wife did not have a child by him. He has a son from a previous marriage of his own. I saw no harm in his building a close relationship with my wife, foolish me, and really sad. The consequences of that sordid mess are more than normal. For me, it was a double betrayal. The two people I trusted most in this world put horns on my head. That they regret (now) so doing and the long term damage, that doesn't mitigate the simple fact that both of them made the choice and all of us, including them, must pay the price for the rest of our lives. Affairs really are the gift that keeps on giving, no reset button in life.

On the other hand, a little ray of sunshine. My wife is a better person for it. She discovered and removed parts of the way she thought of herself and now is way more effective in her ability to understand her vulnerabilities and what happens if she doesn't watch what she does. She really grew up and became a full blow adult through the adversity she created for herself and the rest of us. She also found a path to continue her growth as a person. I dunno if it was worth the price, but it is what it is, so life goes on.

Larry

Larry:

Once the fire is over and the ashes are not warm anymore the BS eventually finds peace and happiness. This is probably related to the fact that all the pain and turmoil was not self-inflicted and one never tried to hurt another person.

IMHO, the only sad part was having a funeral for everything that was assumed to be the components of a great marriage.

Lets look at a repentant WS with a conscience:

1. It must be brutal for the WS to acknowledge the destruction of a spouse and the children of the marriage. Lets not forget that the kids are also betrayed.

2. At the same time the repentant WS throws the OP under the bus and the pain of the OP may be of major proportions. If the WS has a conscience this must be a difficult task.

3. Do not forget how the repentant WS must go NC and endure the heavy duty pain of withdrawal.

4. How about the self induced injury of the WS to her (or his ) own self-esteem.

In other words, a WS suffers from many different angles and I cannot comprehend what it would be to destroy and OP, BS, children, and to endure withdrawal at the same time.

That is why that at this point I am farther ahead than my wife in recovery and she cannot stand a husband that is calm and happy. I harmed no one and I did not cause injury to myself. In retrospect, there was nothing I could have done differently.

What do you think?

I think Myrta has been heroic in her actions and she must now endure a much harder path to recovery. Not easy been a repentant WS.

Well, guess everyone is different. Cognitive dissonance assures that. After the funeral, then the task of building a new relationship on the ash pile of the old one can commence.


Wife here said she had no idea she could hurt someone as much as she did. In some ways she has developed a complex, thinking that she has hurt more than her share of males. For this reason, she sometimes will self depreciate to the point of saying that she must not be a very nice person. She does recognise just how close she was to making life very difficult for our kids, plus the son of the OM "Was" injured in a way. Hurting kids is NOT where she is as a person and was one of the harder blows she had to absorb.


Wife attempted to mitigate his pain through contact for a few days after telling him to take a hike and not come back, then she went no contact more or less for good. She wants me to have some sort of relationship with him, last living relative and all, so she sent him a notice that we might move and a couple of pics of our son. That was a month or so ago. I hit the roof and she backed off, this time for good, so she says.

She is also aware that he found new love not too long after he got the heave ho here, and then got married again a few months later. I think it hit home with her that he was not as emotionally involved as was she, just like I had been telling her. He recovered pretty fast, so it appears. Reading her, I could tell it was apparent that she considered herself a complete fool. Except for me, her male picker isn't what it should be.

Any lingering pain from throwing him under the bus was replaced by completely different emotions.


Good points. Wife here DID go through withdrawal and it wasn't easy. I courted her in an attempt to get her to transfer her PEA addiction over to me as much as possible. It worked about 80% of the way and that was a good thing.

And oh my, did she take a hit. She has self-esteem issues anyway because of her raising and teenage issues. I had spent a great deal of emotional capital building her up. And I was NOT a happy camper that she turned self destructive. Anyway, out of the blue a few months ago, she remarked that about the time of the affair, she woke up and realized that she was really gonna be the NURSE she always wanted to be and not only that, she was going to be a BSN. Considering that her family background is a bunch of undereducated folks who are nontheless smart, she thinks that she couldn't handle the success path. That one I don't understand very well, but my buddy the shrink says he does and that is good enough for me.

Note, for whatever it is worth, she nailed the NCLEX with 75 questions. And she was number two in her class of 66 that started and 18 who finished. The only one who beat her didn't have three kids, was an older lady with a PHD in chemistry and nothing to do all day but study.



Well, I have provided a bit of personal stuff to demonstrate that everyone is different. And everyone is the same. I do agree that a repentant wayward has a hard time dealing with recovering their self esteem. My buddy the shrink has a point he makes that has helped wife here quite a bit. He says;

"You are who you are. You may not always like how you got to be you, but there is no reset button in life. Accept the mistakes that you have made and that have been made for you because you cannot change the fact of living and learning. Be the best person you can be and enjoy the life you have; now that you understand consequences, think before you mess yourself or someone else."

I changed the last sentence a bit to pass the monitors

If Myrta is still playing "kick me," she needs to quit. I will recommend that hanging out on this support forum and helping others is a great way to redemption and a feeling of self worth. Digging deep to find the wisdom to help someone floundering around in affair hell is a good way to feel that something useful has come out of the swim in the cesspool.

Great wisdom Stanley, I hope others read your comments about the pain of a WS. Pain is still pain even if self inflicted.

Larry

That is why that at this point I am farther ahead than my wife in recovery and she cannot stand a husband that is calm and happy. I harmed no one and I did not cause injury to myself. In retrospect, there was nothing I could have done differently.
========================================================

Larry

This is the problem here,,,,,my husband statement above. He is saying that I cannot stand a husband that is calm and happy. That is completely NOT true. I want him to be aware that the marriage CANNOT go back to what it was before the Affair. And he has completely fall into the old Stanley....kinda of aloof, complacent.
A marriage needs constant care and affection. Not only saying "I love you" but also showing in actions. Like JL said before Love is a verb, it has to be shown with actions. Just because you are calm and happy you don't sit back to look at the scenery, without doing anything.


I really did not mean to cause harm to anyone, and I really thought I was not. I don't like to be reminded in "subtle" ways that I harmed someone.

I am NOT thinking all the time of four years ago. Most of the time, it seems like it was a dream or a nightmare that happened.






The relative is mine. No, my wife did not have a child by him. He has a son from a previous marriage of his own. I saw no harm in his building a close relationship with my wife, foolish me, and really sad. The consequences of that sordid mess are more than normal. For me, it was a double betrayal. The two people I trusted most in this world put horns on my head. That they regret (now) so doing and the long term damage, that doesn't mitigate the simple fact that both of them made the choice and all of us, including them, must pay the price for the rest of our lives. Affairs really are the gift that keeps on giving, no reset button in life.
===============================================================

Well, that is a relief that your wife did not have any child with OM. But I understand your double pain, with your relative and your wife.
But remember Larry, the affair happened not because of YOU, but because of your wife and OM. Their choices, their doing.

I don't understand why Affairs have to be the gift that keeps on giving. I mean, there has to be a time, that the "reset" button stays down, and you need to leave it down for good. We cannot keep on resetting forever!!!



Myrta

Hi Myrta !


Dr Harley says :


And most BS can vouch for that. It is a life-redefining experience.

Myrta you are clearly upset that Stanley doesn't give you the gifts you desire, not put the effort in you desire, how much more upset do you think you would experience if Stanley did what you did behind your back ? If you can't get over his clumsy gifting how then would you expect to get completely over him cheating on you ?

As desperately as you want to experience no consequence of your affair Myrta, the effect of it was so big, its going to take a lot to get there I think.

That is why affairs are the "gift that keeps on giving".

Stanley...you definitely have my sympathies.

Myrta...you want a GIFT neatly wrapped...how about a husband that is willing to put up with you...I would bet there are not many men out there that would have done that.
How about a husband that was willing to stand by you despite your OM being a constant in your lives until a year ago...and who knows when again!
Hallmark...wow...the epitome of caring. Some other idiot writing a sentiment to your spouse...sorry Myrta..your husband has given you a present every single day. It's called "your marriage" be thankful for that. Maybe more would follow if you were a bit more understanding of THIS gift.



No, I guess you don't understand.

Stanley, again...my sympathies.

Bob

Thank you for your input. I do understand perfectly what you are saying. It is hard to get over an Affair. I know..

I hope you are doing well or I should say better with your wife. Is she expressing more to you? Are you happier than months ago>?

Myrt

I can see you are still as "nice" as ever.

Thanks for your comments.

nice to see you haven't changed a bit either.

My post is not about recrimination or rehashing of old material.

I am simply trying to put myself in Myrta's shoes so I have a better understanding.

As I said many times before she has been heroic and a trooper when it comes to a wife that has done everything to achieve recovery. As I said four years later I feel quite good.

However, it bothers me that my calm and happiness is interpreted as being a bad husband that does not care. There is something rewarding about being in a very stable loving relationship with no stress.

The only source of stress has been this time of the year because I don’t seem to get it right.


Larry:

As for my wife’s OM:

Myrta is not the type of woman OM would normally date in open daylight. In an open relationship OM would be dating women from a completely different category. When Myrta threw OM under the bus (and rightly so) he was devastated and I seriously doubt he will ever recover. It is like being a billionaire for two years and suddenly having to go back to a homeless shelter. There is no recovery from that. That explains the persistent pathologic stalking.

I know any WW has concern from breaking the heart of a single OM. However, for an OM this can be categorized as self-inflicted pain. I hope Myrta understands she is not responsible for the misery of OM.

What I am trying to say is that life for a truly repentant WW is not easy because there are daily reminders everywhere---including adulterous movies, TV shows, comments by family and friends, etc.

I have to reaffirm that Myrta is a great wife. Her greatness has been a blessing for our family and that cannot be disputed. Anyone can make a mistake and that does not change the good a person has done for a lifetime. In essence that good is the basis for a strong healthy recovery.

But Myrta, calm and happy is WHO Stanley is. Get it? And yea, I caught his remark, just I choose not to say anything unless you did. Now why did I know you would

You are projecting on him who you want him to be instead of enjoying who he is or rather, how you want him to express his affection for YOU instead of how he does it. And I would bet that this is just one side of Stanley and you love other parts, right? With real love, you love because you really KNOW the other person and you love them, sometimes in spite of a few parts that are not perfect. With an infatuation, you love the other person without knowledge of who they really are. That is the difference.

I can imagine that with your background, you prefer someone who is a bit more overtly passionate, right? Oh Myrta, I can see the passion in Stanley for you and all you mean to him. I can smell his passion, feel his passion, recognise his passion. His passion for you is stark and obvious. Er, just not always to you.

He is doing it in HIS way, not the way you EXPECT to see him express that passion. The way you get out of THAT is to open yourself to a simple fact, people express themselves in different ways and Stanley isn't YOU, he his, er, Stanley. In my opinion, you might not appreciate the depth that can sometimes be represented by the subtle. Stanley is oft times subtle and you have to tune in to him, IMHO. Again, I think this is a cultural thing.


Ah, but you don't understand something. For Stanley, YOU are the scenery. He Loves Your Passion in part because YOU are different from HIM. He appreciates YOUR passion, he needs YOUR passion because YOU are so DIFFERENT from him. Problem is, you want him to be YOU instead of HIM. Take a deep breath and reflect a moment. Stanley doesn't compete with the real YOU. And in Stanley, you have an audience. You are the game and he is the cheerleader.


Maybe the reminders are your own.

Myrta, you are very good at projecting instead of accepting. This is a byproduct of who you are and is by no means a negative. You are who you are and basically a very good person. I know you didn't mean to do harm, that is why you are a FWW instead of a WW. And yes, it was a nightmare, where your emotions got out of control. Heck of a feeling, isn't it?

Stanley loves you, he loves who you are. He was able to recover and start a new relationship because of who he is. If he had been a more passionate person instead of a reflective person, he might have chosen to move on down the road, so who he is clearly is of benefit to YOU.



Thank you. You are right.


Life is what it is. There is NO WAY for a reset button to work, so forget about it, quit yearning for the impossible. What you CAN do is build a NEW relationship that works. This means accepting who you are and that you are a different person than you were then because you have lived and learned. Further, you have to accept Stanley, warts and all. Demanding that Stanley be different than who he is has two flaws, the first of which is that female who you are, you are NOT going to change him. Women think they can change a male. You can't. Give that idea up.

Secondly, why on earth would you want Stanley to be you? See above

Again, as I see in Stanley's writings, he loves who you are and he is willing to love who you are as a whole person, and not be too much focused on those personality details that he doesn't particularly care for. While you might hate to feel that maybe Stanley has a way of loving that might benefit you, trust me, many, many people love the way Stanley does. It is not bad.

Larry

Of course you did. You are a reflective person. And that can be a very good thing. And you are a subtle person, which medc may not understand.



Sure, I get it. Females oft times choose some dolt to have their affair with exactly the way Myrta did. I don't understand exactly WHY, just that it is what it is.

He did it to himself. And he did it without honor or integrity. He deserves what he got. But at the same time, I understand Myrta. Oft times this "Beneath me" affair has "parent/child" overtones from the female POV, and females are famous for blaming themselves when a child makes wrong choices, or at least feeling bad when they have to do what is necessary.



Two things.

This is why I asked Myrta if she was creating the reminders instead of projecting that it was you and secondly, I have no doubt that you think Myrta is great.

I am going to be out of town for a week plus starting in the morning.

All the best.

Larry

Myrta,

I don't think there is a reset button. Frankly, I am not sure either of you want to reset this back to before the affair. Look at all you two have learned.

I was thinking about the gift thing abit Myrta. I really think you should reassess your needs in this situation.

When I step back and replay what I have read in my mind, I don't think this is about gifts, about cards, or about wrapping paper. You very much need something from Stanley that you are not receiving. Whether what you need is realistic or even within Stanley's ability to deliver I don't know. Frankly neither do you. But you need to know. So that the two of you can work out what he can do and what he cannot do.

I do think your present response to his gift giving is a real love buster to him, because you are rejecting him again. Yes, that is what I am saying. You rejected him when you had the affair with OM and you rejecting him when you find his gifts inadequate. Notice that last word? It was chosen carefully. Guess what Stanley felt when he found out about your affair. Yup, inadequate.

I have a son who is now engaged. And a daughter who is scheduled to be in several weddings for some college roommates. The subject of gifts, registeries (sp), etc. has been in interesting topic of discussion. The kids asked my W and I about the gifts we received for our wedding many decades ago. We started laughing because some of the ones we received really were strange, but we remember them,and the people that gave them fondly. Why because they were so off the wall. But what my W and I both told the kids is something that you need to really think about. A gift is just that a "gift". It has no strings, it is not required, and it represents someone willingly offering you something for you pleasure, laughter, use, etc.

Stanley doesn't have to give you gifts. It is not in the wedding vows. It is not in law, it is written no where that gifts must be given. Whether he delivers it in a paper bag, or wrapped in the most expensive of wrapping paper, it is what is inside that counts. It is not what is inside the BOX however, it is what is inside his heart. Same goes for the card. I do have some understanding with regard to the card thing. My W loves cards. I do think she would rather have the card than a gift sometimes, because to her the card says more and is the gift. Why I don't know. But I will tell you I have saved many of the cards my W has given me over the years.

So why don't step back and really ask yourself what it is you need from Stanley that somehow the card represents. Perhaps the gift itself is really unimportant to you, but the real gift is the card or his written expression of love. If this is really true, Stanley needs to hear it.

Stanley then needs to develop a better strategy for dealing with this. Perhaps occasionally taking a Sat. or Sun and going somewhere with lots of cards and buy the ones he likes that express his feelings for the various events coming up in the next 6 months. He knows the dates, he knows what these dates signify and frankly his sentiments should and probably are the same with regard to you over long periods of time so when he buys the cards is irrelavent. But, mainly he can select the cards when HE has time to reflect on them and find ones that express his feelings.

If he were to do that, would you be happier Myrta? THat is something you need to figure out.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

LARRY

Your post blew me away! Amazing words of wisdom. Thank you so much for your beautiful post.






QUOTE=You are projecting on him who you want him to be instead of enjoying who he is or rather, how you want him to express his affection for YOU instead of how he does it. And I would bet that this is just one side of Stanley and you love other parts, right? With real love, you love because you really KNOW the other person and you love them, sometimes in spite of a few parts that are not perfect. With an infatuation, you love the other person without knowledge of who they really are. That is the difference.
==============================================================

I think that what you are saying here is very true.. I have always told Stanley over the years, the things I like about him. And those things are still there in him. He is him, and I am Me. We are both very different from each other, and thats why our marriage is so long. Even though I have always had so many flaws, he still loves me. Even though I sometimes don't like the gifts he gives, I still love him too.








QUOTE=Ah, but you don't understand something. For Stanley, YOU are the scenery. He Loves Your Passion in part because YOU are different from HIM. He appreciates YOUR passion, he needs YOUR passion because YOU are so DIFFERENT from him. Problem is, you want him to be YOU instead of HIM. Take a deep breath and reflect a moment. Stanley doesn't compete with the real YOU. And in Stanley, you have an audience. You are the game and he is the cheerleader.
===============================================================

This was so beautiful. Those words you say about me being my husband's scenery. Every time I go away for a few days, to visit my Mom or just last week that I was in Disney, he tells me that the house is so different without me in it. When I am in my house you can feel my presence, because I am passionate. My husband has always being more quiet and low key. He likes that I am this way, so opposite of him.

When I was in Disney with our daughters, I go in rollercoasters, and I walk all the parks like I am one of them. I like those kinds of activities, Stanley does not. Last time we went to Disney with him, he left the park 15 minutes after entering. We are different from each other, and that's why the attraction remains after all these years.







QUOTE=Stanley loves you, he loves who you are. He was able to recover and start a new relationship because of who he is. If he had been a more passionate person instead of a reflective person, he might have chosen to move on down the road, so who he is clearly is of benefit to YOU.



Yes, this could be very true. If the it had been me on his shoes, maybe I would have left him. I would had been impulsive, and terminate the marriage, and again, it is because we are so different.

He reflected and analize the outcome, if he had walked out on me. He thought of our years together,our marriage, our history, and our five children. They would be so devastated if our marriage ends.

So, it is a good thing, for my advantage, that my husband is the way he is.

Thank you for opening my eyes . I really appreciate your input into our situation and marriage.






QUOTE=Again, as I see in Stanley's writings, he loves who you are and he is willing to love who you are as a whole person, and not be too much focused on those personality details that he doesn't particularly care for. While you might hate to feel that maybe Stanley has a way of loving that might benefit you, trust me, many, many people love the way Stanley does. It is not bad.
==============================================================

You know sometimes, a person reads and filters and gets what it is convenient for them. That is probably what I had been doing, just focusing in a few words, taking them out of context. I need to see more the whole picture of my husband, my marriage, myself.

I know many people love the way he is. Even my sisters tell me that he gives them such sense of peace when he talks to them.

I am a lucky FWW to have him. I am very lucky to have people like you,JL, Mr.Goodstuff, to give me,us, good ,sound advice .

Thank you Larry!!

Myrta

Just Learning

QUOTE=When I step back and replay what I have read in my mind, I don't think this is about gifts, about cards, or about wrapping paper. You very much need something from Stanley that you are not receiving. Whether what you need is realistic or even within Stanley's ability to deliver I don't know. Frankly neither do you. But you need to know. So that the two of you can work out what he can do and what he cannot do.=================================
==============================================================

I really don't know what is it I want...But yes, I do get rather frustrated when I see I am not getting "what I want"

I do care much more for the importance he gives the gift, even if it is something not expensive. I love the cards with a special meaning in them. He has given beautiful ones before, and I still have them . I have many cards from previous years.




QUOTE=I do think your present response to his gift giving is a real love buster to him, because you are rejecting him again. Yes, that is what I am saying. You rejected him when you had the affair with OM and you rejecting him when you find his gifts inadequate. Notice that last word? It was chosen carefully. Guess what Stanley felt when he found out about your affair. Yup, inadequate.
============================================================

I don't feel I am rejecting him again, but yes, I am wrong thinking that. I want to be able to tell him how I feel without him been hurt in any way. He has told me sometimes he does not like my gifts. I don't get hurt. I get them back, return them. It would offend me more, for him to keep the gifts and never use them. I dont want him to feel inadecuate in any way.




MOre later, Gotta go

Myrta,

But, here is the point. With regard to how he feels, it is HIS feelings that count. Whether you think he should feel this way does not count. Don't you see.

Your response to the same action on his part can and will be different because you are a different person. Further, you KNOW he loves you and has always loved you. He does not have that perspective with regard to you loving him, thus the rejection.

But, the point is you need to figure out what it is you really need from him. You want to tell him how you feel, but you have not tried to tell him what you NEED. He can do nothing for your feelings, but he can try to meet your needs better.

Personally, I doubt your needs are cards and gifts. You are just rejecting his gifts because you are frustrated at him. Yet, your frustration should be directed at yourself for your failure to understand yourself well enough to explain it to him so that he understands. Stanley is not a dumb man, but he is NOT a mindreader.

Further, you have the additional problem that his profession is his life, in ways it is his mistress. You compete for his time, his focus, but there are no other women in his life, save you and your daughters. You like the fruits of his efforts and probably enjoy the benefits of a husband that loves what he does. He is basically happy and self-sufficient because of that happiness.

Therefore, it is my opinion that you need to know yourself better than many here. Why? You have to be more explicit in your explanations of what you need. Yet, you also have to understand that what you need will not bring you happiness, just the ability to be happy.

Myrta, I know you are a lovely woman, a good mother, and for the most part a great W. It is clear that Stanley loves you very much and is strongly protective of his family. The issue is: What are you missing, what do you think Stanley can do to make you whole, if not happy? What will bring security to your life on other levels than financial?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Just learning


QUOTE=Personally, I doubt your needs are cards and gifts. You are just rejecting his gifts because you are frustrated at him. Yet, your frustration should be directed at yourself for your failure to understand yourself well enough to explain it to him so that he understands. Stanley is not a dumb man, but he is NOT a mindreader.
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I am very much frustrated with myself. I ask myself, "why am I doing this?" You know JL...I am scared...scared that one day my husband will realize he can do better than me....scared that he will realize that I should had not been forgiven for my Affair. Scared that he will tell my children one day what I did. I am scared of many things, then I get frustrated and I take it out on him, with the gifts. Does that make any sense to you?

I failed my husband BIG TIME with the stupid affair, and Now 4 years later I am more scared than ever to lose my husband, because of it.



QUOTE=Further, you have the additional problem that his profession is his life, in ways it is his mistress. You compete for his time, his focus, but there are no other women in his life, save you and your daughters. You like the fruits of his efforts and probably enjoy the benefits of a husband that loves what he does. He is basically happy and self-sufficient because of that happiness.============================================
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He is a very focus man with his work. He uses his brain a lot for his work, he gets tired mentally from it. I do tend to compete with his work sometimes, and again get frustrated when he does not call me many times thru the day. Most of the time he calls me several times a day, even amidst his business.





QUOTE=Myrta, I know you are a lovely woman, a good mother, and for the most part a great W. It is clear that Stanley loves you very much and is strongly protective of his family. The issue is: What are you missing, what do you think Stanley can do to make you whole, if not happy? What will bring security to your life on other levels than financial?
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JL...I know for the most part, that Stanley loves me, but, will he stop loving me because of what I did? Will it come a day down the road, that he will realize that he should throw me to the curve, and look for another woman, without an A on her forehead?

I am very lucky to have him , to be financially secured with him, to have our family, all our daughters still live with us. We do everything together, church,movies,shopping,eating,etc. We are very closed knit family, and I am scared that one day I might lose everything because of what I did.

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Your advice and input have ALWAYS been out of this world. I thank you for it, and would still love to meet you one day. We are planning a California trip next month, maybe we can meet with you? Our son lives close to Hollywood and we are planning a trip there.


Thank you again.

Myrta

Oh, Myrta, you and Stanley have always been my favorites. Especially you. I've been reading this thread and really didn't know what to say. Prayers to you and your husband.