As to the "why" my FWW said "that is what I wanted and I didn't care who I hurt to get it" and "there is nothing more you could have done to have prevented it". I had warned her again and again to never be alone with him and she had promised "It will never happen again." It really is hard to understand how a woman who has been a faithful church going Christian for more than 50 years can so easily go to lies, deceit, and adultery.

borw,,,, i have to hand it to you to even give reconciliation a chance. i kno wwe all have to put our feet in someones shoes before we make a decicision but actually seeing my w in the raw w another man wood seemingly be the end for me.

intro i wouldn't put to much weight on the alarm clock deal. while she was in the A i am guessing she was awake from the moment you kissed her good bye with anticipation.

I was a bad husband in the sense that I did not fill my WW EN for many years. She shut down on me and when I realized it I tried to reconcile. She was so distant from me that she wouldn't do it. I was still ignorant and didn't step up to pursue her and accepted life as it was. We are both totally commited to our kids and had the appearance of a happy family. However she still needed her EN fulfilled and that's how the A started. It was an EA that eventually turned to a PA. I should have recognized it but didn't and I kick myself for it constantly. I wish I had known more about how to have a healthy marriage. Say la vee. (that's french you know) Now I do and am beginning to start working on it. I am in for a long difficult ride I am sure but am finding great comfort within this forum. Thanks everybody for your support and guidance. It really helps to hear others stories and to hear what to expect. The unknown is difficult to deal with but hearing what others went through helps.

Dahlonega is in North Georgia, our gold pans out 24kt.

I usually can pan out maybe an ounce a summer.

Wanna start a thread on it? I'll be MORE than happy to tell you how to pan it out successfully!

Just popping in to say

I LOVE this thread

carry on ......

Pep (female)

I think that sometimes that is true...that the WS decides they want to have their "fun", regardless of the state of their marriage. They are usually the narcissistic, "incurable" types.

I also think sometimes they tell themselves "there's nothing BS can do", in order to justify the A in their minds. If they acknowlege that the BS could do this or that to improve the marriage, they either call off the A, or they are an even worse person for going through with the A.

So, it's the old "There's Nothing My BS Can Do" routine.

I don't know if this counts as a complete blindsiding, but...

On Dday of my fww, she was unaccounted for for most of a Saturday afternoon. We are raising our grandson, and I was out of town at my new job. I called her at our house, no answer. No answer on her cell phone (turned off, which is rare, especially when out). I call my grown daughter, who said that mom had dropped off grandson so she could do some shopping and some housecleaning done. But, she said she couldn't get ahold of her either.

Finally, that evening, FWW answers the home phone. After asking her how she spent her day, and getting increasingly evasive answers, she blurts out, "Ya want to know where I've been? Well, I've been fu&#162king [OM] for the past 5 hours."
[sound of lower jaw smacking against floor]

Thanks for the advice on the alarm clock thing. The alarm clock thing is just the tip of the iceberg (as, I'm sure you all know), but it is pretty symbolic of a lot of other issues I'm having to deal with in regards to how "out of her way" she seemed to go for her "fix".


Anyway, I need a bit of help with the questionnaires that Jennifer asked me to fill out before my next phone session. I'm going through them, and it seems that they are not really geared toward infidelity. I guess the problem I'm having with them is that I seem to want to answer all of the questions with WW's adultery as the #1 reason for answering the question the way I want to (if that makes sense). Am I going about it the wrong way? It's just that the A was so recent, and I have a hard time getting past it when trying to fill out the questionnaire. A lot of the answers that I want to give (post dday) are very different than the answers I would have given (pre dday). Can someone give me some advice on how I should go about it?

Thanks

edit:

I should be more specific. In one example....

There is a question regarding her appearance. She is a fine looking woman. But after dday I don't see her appearance the same way as before the A. How do I answer that?

cop, has your w owned her part in this? or is she blaming you for her stepping outside of her marriage. you may have had a part in a bad marriage but she had the A. and she needs to own that not say it was because of you.

I just wanted to say that I never lost mine. My FWW preffered a scum sucking coward without them to a real man that had them.

Real Men *LOVE* their wives, honor their commitments and keep their vows. As BH's, we never lost our balls.

Just Sayin'.

i think you answer that as to whether YOU have a need for an attractive w.

before or after makes no difference. if your w gained weight would you love her the same as if she were thin and shapely.

try and keep these answers about YOUR needs

Here are the questions that I'm having trouble with. There are pre dday answers and post dday answers...........

B. Evaluation of spouse’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s
attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
________________________________________________________________________
I am extremely I am neither I am extremely
dissatisfied satisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse is (circle the appropriate letter)
a. attractive to me, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not attractive to me, but when he/she was, I like the way he/she achieved it.
c. attractive to me, but I do not like the way he/she achieves it.
d. not attractive to me, and when he/she was, I did not like the way it was achieved.
Explain how your need for an attractive spouse could be better satisfied in your marriage.



B. Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with
your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
________________________________________________________________________
I am extremely I am neither I am extremely
dissatisfied satisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the sex I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough sex, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the sex I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough sex, and when we do have sex, it is not the way I like it.
Explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in your marriage.

OK, you guys sucked me in to the club nobody wants to be in...actually a great thread.

Introvert - My FWW did almost the same thing. Left the house in the morning to go to OM house before they went to work. Did it AT work in his office, went into work on the weekend and did it for the first time there and took me out for my Birthday right after that, took a vacation day when I was out of town to spend the afternoon at his house, and did some pretty deplorable [censored] when with him. The point is, I was devastated at how cruel she was being to me. It took some time to get over the fact that she wasn't doing anything to me. She actually didn't care about me at all. It was just about getting her fix and she could care less about herself, her family, or me. You've got to try to understand that to move forward I guess. It sucks.

How about a different twist to being blindsided? How many of us really knew, but were too stupid to do anything about it until we had SOLID proof. Given what I've said above, and pre-DDay add the fact that I actually jokingly referred to OM as her BOYFRIEND because of her actions and attitude toward him. I actually bought her a bigger text package because she was texting him so much. I bought the idea that he was just a work friend she liked to talk to!!! Somebody slap me for being THAT STUPID!!! GEEZ! Blind Trust is a killer.

I say bullchit to this one, I'm with NRO. I have great big coconut sized cajones thank you very much. I chose recovery when I had every reason in the world not to. I'm doing something that takes the testicular fortitude of giants. Not because I have to, but because I want to.

Want2Stay

This description is me to a tee (unfortunately). When I found out that WW took the guy out for a birthday lunch (on a day she told me she was going to IKEA..2 days after Valentine's day, when I got jack [censored])...She said that they were "just high school friends", and I proceded to tell her to bring him over to the house for a barbeque, and I'd buy him a beer !!!!
A couple weeks after that I started jokingly referring to him as "her boyfriend" as well.

Then, one day WW and I were going to meet at the local watering hole to check out a band. She ended up walking in the door with him, he sat in the corner with one of his loser friends, she sat down with me, I leaned over to give her a kiss hello, she pulled back and looked at him !!!! HE WAS HER BOYFRIEND !!!!

Man, I'm a [censored] idiot.

Zonie, I would be happy to give you a slap but I bought the bigger text package too!!!! and I HATE texting!!

Pops, I think you are getting my sitch confused with Krazy71's. Fortunatly that did not happen to me.

But Im with you, and having read many of his posts i think Krazy has correctly diagnosed himself with some form of PTSD and I think he needs some serious help with it seriously soon!

Hey, you should've seen me 18 months ago!

Well, how we define holding onto our nutz is inherently subjective conversely; the same is true for being a nadless wonder.

For me, testicular fortitude meant coming to terms with the fact that my WW had gone so far overboard that there was no safe harbor left for me to return to. The consequences for my pre-k boys were daunting and scared me. My youngest was almost out of diapers and my oldest was only five. I had to assume both parental roles b/c of her vapid distractions.

Ensuring that my kids were not going to be irreparably harmed by her maternal abdication meant fastening my head on straight-- despite the fact that my world was being torn asunder. Maximizing my chances for getting shared residential custody, achieving a fair equitable distribution, and setting up a new home for my boys took all the strength and courage that I could muster. Looking back on it I'm not sure how I got through those days--it was probably the hardest thing that I ever had to do. She eventually started becoming a decent mother again and we now co-parent pretty well. We were married for 15 years and I think in her own way she has reached a point where she regrets the ending of our marriage, but it's too late for me. I have some residual ambivalence about my boys living a somewhat more complicated life, but personally, I feel liberated. So it goes…