Maybe I'm swimming against the stream, but I really don't beat myself up about not catching things in the past. Hindsight ain't 20/20, it only appears to be. Big mistake everyone makes is evaluating decisions based on what they know now, versus what they knew then. Why? It's a practical impossibility.

For me, I'm a pretty good person, who made pretty good decisions with the information I had at the time and ended up with a crappy result. Happens all the time.

I'll raise my hand, thought in hindsight I have to ask myself how I could have been so stupid - she cheated on my before, duh.

I thought we both learned a lot from that first time. I really though she wouldn't lower herself to doing something like that with a coworker because of all the ethical issues involved, and I certainly didn't think that she could be so deceitful and disrepectful as to carry it on for two years, during which time she actually invited him to our home to scr*w him while I was out working or on business trips.

I think maybe that's one of the big things that's hampering our recovery. She *KNOWS* what I think of what she's done, and probably believes that there's absolutely nothing she can do to make up for it, even though I've tried to convince her otherwise. As a result, she does hardly anything, and I can't help but get more and more resentful over the whole situation.

It's a part of learning from your past mistakes. If you look back and evaluate why you made the choice you did, you won't make the same choice in the future. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over expecting a different result.


Unfortunately, as many of us found out being good, and making good decisions isn't good enough. It sucks. Our W's either didn't communicate what they really needed, or we weren't listening when they did.. (both in my case) and we ultimately paid the consequences for it.

I was completely blindsided by it also. Mine was also the choir singer and sunday school teacher uber pios sanctamonious christian type.

However her toxic friend at church was bragging to her about having the affair with the deacon for years.

The toxic friend ENCOURAGED her to do the same and cheerleaded her on.

"Unfortunately, as many of us found out being good, and making good decisions isn't good enough. It sucks. Our W's either didn't communicate what they really needed, or we weren't listening when they did.. (both in my case) and we ultimately paid the consequences for it."


Head....meet nail.

Agree wholeheartedly. I have very few confidants outside of this board, but the one's who do know my sich reinforce that choosing to stay after the A and its associated baggage makes me "a better man than I could be". Their words, not mine. Beats the heck out them pointing out a lack of testicular fortitude. Of course it's situational. There are those that chose not to stay, and in some cases that takes bigger coconuts.

Let me join this club too.......


I didn't buy a bigger texting package, but I did give OM permission to call DW to talk about the music there were making(BARF). Most of their conversations took place with me sitting right beside her. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.


Here's the thing for me. I knew all to well that you shouldn't trust anyone. I had been burned by so many people that I trusted that I actually isolated myself in my DW and family. I have no friends and I like it that way. I knew better than to trust anyone.

Silly me for thinking that if you devote your life to someone and do everything in your power to honor that commitment that they would do the same. Maybe I should have paid more attention when I watched WWE and Stone Cold Steve Austin would say:

"Don't Trust Anyone!"

Want2Stay

Ouch. Here's another one. DW gave me enthusiastic permission to buy a new motorcycle (of course, I didn't know it was out of her guilt). I asked her to text her boyfriend to find out what kind of motorcycle he has. I swear those were my exact words!! He rides a Honda... I now own a brand new Harley. Sometimes you just have to laugh.




I'm now more in the Reagan camp of "Trust, but verify". It certainly will never be Blind trust again. I do certain things now just to confirm for myself that there is still NC. I trust that there is NC, but won't ever be so blind as to assume that's all I need to believe it.

-Zonie

"Trust but verify"? I get the meaning, but if verification (spelling) is necessary, and you can't get anything varified, how do you trust? WW could be at work right now emailing OM, texting OM from her cell, etc...and I would never know the difference. I never see her work email (which she mentioned she didn't want him to "email" her in her NC letter to him...1st NC letter, and 2nd NC letter ). She could be chatting with texts, delete them, and I'd never know the difference. So how do you trust but varify without varification?

I guess there will be no way to verify every possible avenue a WS uses to keep their A going. In my case, I trust first then verify. I don't use the verification to build that trust. It's there by our efforts at Recovery, but kept in check by verification. Mrs Z knows I keep tabs on her home emails every now and then, I check cell phone calls and texts online every now and then (less now than when I used to). Sure, she could get a pre-paid phone, and use her work email. But even then, I believe a WS will slip up at some point. But if you're not looking you might miss it. I know I did.

Introvert,

It's simple, really.

If you can't verify, you don't trust.

I'm not sure about your situation, but even an entry-level I.T. guy can monitor everything that happens on any computer in the entire company. It would be unpleasant & possibly job-threatening, but it is possible to have a chat with him.

Whether OM works with her or not, her superiors would probably not appreciate her using company resources to conduct an A...if they know about it. Sometimes an anonymous "heads-up" is all it takes.

If, by some chance, they are so cavalier that they don't care about it, then they probably wouldn't care about a good keylogger being remotely installed on her computer, with your W's knowledge. The type of keylogger that automatically emails what it records to the address of your choice.

She could find a new job, too.

I know the people she works with, and I believe that they new what was going on with her and OM (OM is a customer of the company she works for). They were all pretty edgy around me ever since my instincts were telling me that WW was in A...so, I'm pretty sure those POS's knew what was happening...along with one of her family members. I have no desire to speak to any of her co-workers ever again to be honest.

I'd send a letter of exposure to every co-worker you have a name for...either via email or actual letters. Even if they knew about it, can you imagine the level of discomfort in the office?

If you think that's too much, AT LEAST do the same at OM's place of employment. Make sure that the president/CEO/owner/top dog gets a copy. Name names. Enclose copies of emails, texts, whatever you've got.

Piss on that guy. He deserves it and much, much more.

I'm sure they all know. WW used to make sexual jokes with OM's loser boss all of the time. Even before dday I asked her to tone down the sexual stuff with OM's boss, but she told me I was "being paranoid". After dday, we had the discussion again, and she still tried to brush it off. I think she's a little more aware of how dangerous that [censored] can be now (after her phone session with Jennifer), but she was so clueless to how some guy's minds work that she figured it was okay to joke around in a sexual manner with anyone who wanted to. She even mentioned at MC once that I would give her "dirty looks" when we would be out with people, but she never clued in that they were always given to her when she was acting like a ____ (insert whatever you want) with other guys....in front of me. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but there is no room for that [censored] in any marriage of mine...especially now that she isn't just a "flirt" anymore.

Not only does OM's loser boss know, but there is a chick that she speaks with that works where OM does too. WW used to chat with her on facebook, and I read a few of her messages to WW. They were chatting back and forth about something I did, and the chick was telling WW how "BS should grow up" and "you don't deserve to deal with BS"...[censored] like that. I wish I was a chick for one day...I'd go over there and slap that POS trailer trash chick right in the mouth...she's a real piece of work, that girl.

So, basically the whole company OM works for had something to do with it, and I'm sure OM and his boss have had a few Budwieser's (this is the kind of beer WW used to buy OM with OUR money) and told some real good stories about sex with my wife.

Can you tell I'm angry now?

Breathe intro....breathe..lol.

I was totally and utterly blindsided by my STBX's choices, and I still feel the pain sometimes when I let my mind go there even though we are going the D route.

But on a different note, I wanted to wish all my brother BH's out there an AMAZING Father's Day weekend. Cheers to all of you that had the BALLS to stand up and fight for your families...even if you were childless. It may have felt like we were emasculated by our WW's actions, but the reality is that we sucked it up and made the hard and honorable choice to do what was right.

Enjoy the Weekend!!

LoBoy

We could exchange all of the info we have the OM in our situations...you could harass mine, and I'll harass yours.

I'm kidding.









No I'm not.





That's quite an idea....we BH/BSs exchange info, and harass each others' OP. I like it.

Oh, and thank you Lostboy.

Ditto to everyone. Regardless of the outcome of our marriages, being a dad is an amazing blessing--have a great time with your kids.

Any other idiot here always fall for that "bad reception" line from their WW when she stepped outside to use her cell phone?

God, she must have done that 100 times!

Funny, my reception was always fine!

Me...Class A moron!

Happy father's day, fathers !!!!

I wish I had kids

Too bad WW was trying to have one with OM and me at the same time.

Man, I'm bitter today.