It still stings your FWW....any associating emotions you wife has about this whole episode is a natural reation to her having (again) to deal with her guilt....it will go away, but believe it or not, it is what YOU are doing that will help YOU through recovery.

You did the right thing. And your FWW will also see what you have done as the right thing....down the road sometime.....

RB:

I can understand the concerns that you have after the facts of your incident at the local Starbucks.

First, it was the RIGHT thing to do.

Second, if you HAD punched him in the nose, where would you be right now? Sitting in a jail cell, facing assualt charges. And OM would have benfitted from THAT wouldn't he? This way, all the effected parties know what was up, without you having to get involved in a physical confrontation to start it.

Third, notifying the GF's BH allows him to do what he needs to do, and THAT has nothing to do with you. You didn't start the ball rolling, OM did. You just gave it a continuing push on its crashing course thru life.

Fourth, Yes, your FWW would have appreciated if she didn't have the A rerevealed to her. Her fault, and that's just the breaks. The reminders of her A are just starting.

Fifth: Anyone who is wishing to cast aspersions on your honesty, well, we just accept what someone posts around here, but to continue a deception is VERY difficult. You pass my filter, and many around her who have finer tuned detector's haven't called you out, so your good with me. And if you happen to be coach3560, there are enough people around here to confirm that fact, so that wouldn't last very long.

Personally, your thread, for its pure immediacy, is more comparable to Heartsore's thread, than anything that C3560 drivelled out.

LG

Oh I remeber coach,
He claimed to have been raised in Boston, and when i querried him things that a true Bostonian would know, he was clueless, and shortly thereafter exposed.

Having been duped once, I don't see RB's thread in the same light at all.

BTW, RB, after Tuesday's encounter, I believe I was one of the very few (if not alone) that cautioned about exposing this to your WW right away. However, I got 2x4'd in the name of radical honesty.

Don't know who's right, but I did caution what this may do to your wife.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I prefer to think of what you did in terms of all the people who now know they're being played by their spouses, thanks to you, and the number of future targets of POSOM who may now be spared that destruction. Try explaining that to your wife. I agree that she doesn't have the right to be mad at you, and I think you should ask her to think about the people who've been helped by learning about their cheating spouses.

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement. I know on some level that she has no real right to be upset, but I also know that my actions set off this latest round of heartbreak and I'm just not sure that there was much to be gained from it other than it made me feel good at the time. I guess it did expose things to the GF's BH, but that's of little solace when I see the hurt on my wife's face.

And yes Jerry, you did warn me about all of this and I decided to follow the radical honest route. I guess this is one of those times, like when your wife asks you if her butt looks big in this outfit, that you have to weigh the value of "radical" honesty. I'm still not sure it was wrong to tell her. I mostly regret even getting involved in all of this added drama.

I keep asking myself why I couldn't just get a little satisfaction from making OM squirm a little instead of actually sending that picture to his wife. But, on the other hand, I would want someone to let me know if it were my wife sitting there holding hands with OM. Everything is just so frustrating and confusing. It seems like I find myself walking on eggshells to make recovery go "smoothly." I don't know, but maybe in the long run our recovery will be more complete by experiencing all of these speed bumps and maybe these bumps help expose areas where more work needs to be done in our relationship.

Hang in there RB, it just shows you are as human as all of us.

You've been doing a remarkable job considering your drama. But make no mistake, you will make as many mistakes as the next person under these horrific circumstances. Consider for a moment that as wise as Dr H is in these matters, he has not been through what you, I, and other BH's have been through.

Sometimes, that makes us experts, or so we think. Truth is, there is no expert way to get home. We get there by whatever route takes us there.

My first confrontation resulted in a lot of cuts and bruises, but this only served to expose my W to humilation, as why else would I do this. Didn't take folks long to put two and two together. Stupid ME!!!!!

Forget about recovery going smoothly, you are going to make alot of mistakes before this ends. Why wouldn't you, you are in uncharted waters. Been there done that.

Prayer is VERY helpful.

all blessings,
Jerry

(nodding in agreement)

Thank goodness you found HERE.

I was on my way to OC#2 before I found this site.

But then, in hindsight, if I had found it earlier, we wouldn't have DS4...and Lord knows that the sun rises and sets on the child.

Mixed blessings there.

You imply he made a mistake.

He made no mistake, it was the RIGHT thing to do for him, his wife, the OMW, and EVERYONE ELSE involved....including ironically enough, the OM, in the long run....if he ever learns.

RB,

First, GF's BS may or may not do all that he claims. Further, there may be ways to protect yourself a bit from the fall out.

But, RB here is where I stand on all of this. Your W and your oldest daughter are mad at you. For what?? Being honest and perhaps allowing two other couples to see what their marriage is really like? I'm sorry, but you did the correct thing, and yes I know , but you did fine in this regard.

Next, I think no one save a few of the men posting to you like Pops, K (if he were around), and a few others can truly understand your position. I know what I would like to think I was strong enough to do (what you are doing right now), but I have doubts about myself. You have someone who admires your strength in me. Quiting is clearly the easier of the choices, IF one focus' only on their own pain. You have chosen to take a broader view and try and protect your family as a whole. You are to be admired for this.

I think your daughter while understanding why you feel betrayed has no clue to what you really feel and how deeply you are torn. If she did have a clue, she would fully understand what you did. Your W has no clue and frankly at this point doesn't deserve you. However, I think as you clearly must that she will come to a point of understanding and be the partner you wanted and will need in the future. It could be wishful thinking on my part, but you are giving her the chance. You can do no more.

I also think she does not realize how precarious her position really is. Your love is strong, but your confidence is not. Telling those other people of OM and his antics was the right thing to do. And frankly, if they know nothing else about you, they should know now that you are a man that tries to do the right thing.

RB, you are worrying too much. It will serve you no purpose with regard to your actions. You did the right thing. There are consequences for actions and I suspect your W as the other WS involved in this mess still think that a well placed "I'm sorry" will help avoid those consequences. It does not, it should not, and hopefully it will not.

RB, you have done well. You have done the correct thing. Stop worrying so much.

God Bless,

JL

I'd call it more like a temporary error in judgement, considering the very frail nature of his W's condition at the moment. If my W were pregnant, I would sure hate to upset her if not absolutely necessary. She has enough on her plate.

But I respect your right to your opinion, just as i hope you will respect mine. Sometimes these decisions are like hanging the big red scarlet letter A around your W's neck, and saying, here, this is what you really need.

I don't necessarily concur. That doesn't promote healing. And there's going to be a lot healing necessary in the length and breadth of this journey.

JMHO

All Blessings,
Jerry

RB

Ditto what JL wrote:

I am not sure of any mistakes you have made. Your temper seems to me controlled from my perpsective.

It was the right thing to do taking that starbucks photo and exposing.

Your foggy WW is still trying to protect the OM.

You had a rare opportunity. You caught the OM and exposed.
Your actions protect the new BH and forces your WW to see what the OM is really like.

Tip my hat to you.

Please dont let your wife's anger cause you to second guess yourself. You did NOT do anything wrong. You did right!

I'm more than a little disappointed that she is angry with you. Sure you reminded her of her adultery. What does she think the child growing inside her will do? It will be a constant living reminder of her adultery that she created without any help from you.If anyone has a right to be angry, it's only YOU.

She may have no right to be angry, but that doesn’t change the reality that she is angry. I think it has more to do with having to face the reality of her situation than it has to do with protecting OM. I sometimes think she believed that when she committed 100% to recovery, that the consequences would end with the pregnancy. I think she’s angry because she is now faced with more consequences and she believes that they could have been avoided by me acting differently. My DD19 is angry because she is just tired of all this and wants things in our family to get back to normal. I don’t think she understands that things won’t be “normal” for a long time. The other two kids are still angry with her enough that they don’t have much sympathy for her at this point.

The other issue I’m having at this point is a little strange. Even with her anger over this latest event, she is still initiating SF almost every night. She is past the point in this pregnancy where she was exhausted all of the time and apparently the hormones are raging at this point. There was a time when this would have fulfilled all of my wildest dreams, but with everything going on I find myself not as “interested” as I once was. For the past week, I have played along and went through the motions to avoid any more conflict. But in the last day or so I find myself actually getting angry after SF because it’s just another area where I feel like I am sacrificing what I want for what’s best for her. I think our MC picked up on some of this growing resentment last week because he suggested that we come in separately this week. I’ll be interested to see what he has to say. I really need to make sure she doesn’t see that 101 consecutive days article because I can’t even fathom that at the moment.

Ah RB,

The difficulties just keep coming. I say let her be angry, you did what you did. It was in fact the right thing to do. You did not set out to get OM, but OM just managed to pull a stunt that rubbed it in your face.

It could be that your W's pregnancy is driving her hormones to want it every night. My W never did that, but who is to know. It could also be her wanting to bond with you very badly because she is pregnant and she fears she is losing you. Sounds good, but I would guess a "mercy ****" is not what you want either right?

It sounds to me like your counselor is well dialed in with you two. Are you seeing him first or is your W? Speak of your feelings and the conflicts you are going through. You need to give voice to all of this.

RB, it seems to me you need to remember this quote

I think you need to be speaking to your W about some of your feelings so that she knows what you are struggling with. I would urge you to speak with your counselor about these feelings and the best way of getting them out in the open.

Oddly, years ago there was a poster in your situation, although his other children were a bit younger than yours. His W did not want SF at all and then coupled with subsequent medical issues that arose with her, it has been many years since he last had SF with his W. That is not a good thing either.

It is a "d***d if you do, darned if you don't". I can offer you no advice except don't push it down and let it fester.

You have a huge challenge before you as does your W. The path to recovery will not be flat nor straight. Honesty and talking are your best hope.

I also think you need to have a serious talk with your DD19. She is old enough to understand the birds and bees, but also old enough to begin to understand what fatherhood, fidelity, and vows mean to a man and especially to her father. You don't need her sympathy, but if there are good lessons to be learned she needs to learn them and perhaps how you look at things and what you feel is something that she should learn.

OM and yes even your family are very lucky that you did not act on your basic instincts and remove OM from this planet. Most of us guys fully understand the rage inside and the ability to remove the source of the rage from our life. It may not be productive, but it is how we react. She doesn't know you are struggling most with yourself right now, and your reaction was warrented and mild compared to what it could have been.

Hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

RB,

Keep this in mind every time you doubt your actions of that night. Even though you got a little "even" through what you did, you still did the right thing. NEVER EVER DOUBT THAT......to many people today look the other way when something bad is going on or don't want to get involved.....easy way out if you ask me....


Also, your wife being angry....well, she doesn't have a reason to be but they are because she is still foggy. They say it can take awhile before they come out of it. Also, I suspect it has more to do with the consequences of the affair. And she will not yet she this as a consequence, give her some time. If she continue's to be mad, just CALMLY state your truth (which is that POSOM's wife deserved to know the truth. What SHE did with the truth was not your doing....).

Anyway, you are handling this well.....don't doubt yourself. And read up on Love Busters, so you will learn to identify them. It takes time to put into habit the things we have learned on here on MB....

not2fun

RB - I agree with all the advice you are receiving here.

My wife tried to protect her OM as well and unfortunately, 3 years ago I went along with it. She was still foggy then as well.

Now, 3 years later we had to deal with the POS again - and if I did what I wanted to 3 years ago, the latest situation would never have happened.

Thankfully this time around, my wife was totally in favour of taking action and acknowledged we should have done it years ago.

Live and learn.

You did nothing wrong and in time your wife will see this.

InlikeFlynn asked:
"You don't think that Coach3650 has come back do you?"

I wondered the same thing as I read the Starbucks post.

Anyway, I don't think that RB is Coach...also, I still believe Coach's story may have been true but once it came out that he wrote 'exotic' fiction he never heard the end of it and lost credibility so he left. He never admitted his story about his wife was fiction, on the contrary, I believe he said he didn't care if anyone didn't believe him, but it was true.

Trix,
Are you kidding me?

I directly asked him about things that anyone who claimed to grow up in Boston would know immediately. He had zero answers to not one of my questions.

Coach was a fictional writer who enjoyed lying to a very vunerable and captive audiance. Nothing more. Sorry you never saw or realized that. That's why he left. He knew the farce was up.

All Blessings,
Jerry

RB:

Thanks for the clarification. I have a better understanding now.


Unfortunately, stories are gonna float around with or without what you did at Starbucks. I do understand why your wife AND your Daughter were upset. Your wife has a choice, flight or fight. Her initial reaction is flight. That won't work and she will soon know it. And getting mad at you is just her initial reaction. Your were standing firm on principal and that is what is saving her bacon right now, so she won't hold a grudge over the incident for long, imho. I don't agree that she was protecting the OM. In effect, she was trying to protect herself.

What you did was to protect your family. You also served up a bit of revenge and THAT story will serve you well in the telling. As you have at every stage, you acted with honor and dignity. And that counts for something. You mitigated the "I nailed your wife" thing the guy likely enjoys. Matter of fact, you wrapped it around his neck and others are now busy tightning the noose. Good for you.

I do understand the SF emotions. You are on an emotional roller coaster and through logic and doing the right thing, have somewhat controlled the ups and downs; but that only stuffs some of your natural feelings. You still have to deal with your own tragedy and loss. Because you have been so decent up front, doesn't mean that the S on your chest isn't getting a bit tattered and torn. Don't worry so much about how your wife feels (Or daughter). Your wife is in charge of her own recovery and you can only go so far in helping her. The choices you have are yours to make and do not necessarily always have to mitigate the consequences of her bad choices.

Larry