True dat, chris!

Um, yeah, what he said

You're not alone in this either, sdguy. It IS exhausting.

Your kiddos will be so grateful for it one day. You are truly a DAD.

DDs still wear me out sometimes. There's always SOME issue that needs to be addressed.

That's one of the things I miss - the backup of the other parent. Just the presence of a united front cuts down on boundary pushing by a teenager.

Keep on keeping on. It'll be worth it in the end.

Fox

I'm exhausted reading what he's doing, knowing that I'm doing the same. I gotta tell ya, in some aspects, having my sis around has been good. She does the dishes, helps me cook and clean, does laundry, etc. Of course, she is adding to the mess, the laundry and so on. It's just good to come home to a clean kitchen some days.

It IS exhausting. You will learn to take FULL advantage of the time that your kids are with their mom.

I'm feeling some guilt over this in my situation. With DD14 NOT going to WH's anymore. I have NO time for me.

I feel like I'm always on the clock and don't have time to just do for myself.

And I'm wishing for it. Then I feel bad because I'm WISHING for DD14 to give me some space.

What kind of a mother is that?

Fox

Normal, is the kind of mother that is. Guilt is useless in this case. It's not about not loving your kids, it's about taking care of you, recharging, quieting your mind and soul, etc, to that you can get the rest of the job done.

When I was a teen, I didn't spend a lot of time with my mom. She would come home from work, cook, we'd eat, talk a little and then she would disappear into her own realm for a bit. We would spend time on the weekends together, but she was not really ON my social calendar. I relied more on my friends to fill my time.

We live WAY out of town and DDs don't drive. They are trapped with me whether they like it or not. Therefore, we spend ALOT of time together.

While they have their own time with friends, etc, I am also on their social calendar (and they are on mine). Movies, riding, volleyball, basketball, hiking, Guitar Hero, Singstar, etc are things we do together for fun.

When I leave to go to the movies or dinner or something with friends, they are home alone.

So, I hardly ever do it.

I don't know how to balance it.

Especially when/if I start dating. To leave them home alone to go on a date just feels WRONG.

Sorry for the t/j, sdguy. Your thoughts just brought up some of my own.

Fox

I think my biggest struggle is that I don't want DDs to believe that they are not WELCOME in my life.

They are unwelcome in their father's life for the most part and I don't want them to have an INKLING that they aren't welcome in mine.

Fox

I get the same feelings sometimes, but then I think about my own childhood.

you know, middle of August, 100 degrees, and not allowed in the house.

how many parents kick their kids out of the house until the streetlights come on anymore. It was common practice then and I never felt unloved or neglected. I had awsome parents, but they were never up my butt and I was never up theirs.

it's a whole different world

I'm finally starting to enjoy my time without DS without feeling guilty and now that he's older he's starting to play with the kids in the neighborhood more than me.

That's part of the problem, I think.

I did feel like an outsider in my parents lives. I never wanted that for my own children.

We could always be IN the house...but my mom used to sit in her recliner, cross stiching in front of her, foot stool in front of her, end tables on both sides so you couldn't GET to her.

She was not and is not an affectionate woman. No hugs, no I love you's, no WELCOME.

You were literally kept at a distance with the furniture surrounding her.

I quite likely could be over compensating.

Fox

No wonder you are now a 'gator wrestler!

Guys, the thing to remember is that this is NOT a permanent assignment. Those exhausting young kids quickly grow into young adults. I know. I remember COUNTING the years until my kids would be grown. Now that they are, I long for the days when they were small, messy, loud and demanding. LOL

Yes, you have been doing this, and quite well, I might add!

I know I'm late to the party today, but I sooo relate to every post today. From the readings on the Done O Meter to the stresses of single parenting.

I think every one of us is doing an OUTSTANDING job on All fronts these days.

Yes, we struggle. But we acknowlege it. We seek help. We do the best we can to do the best we can. We continually strive to improve ourselves as individuals and as parents. We give support to one another.

Overall, we are some D@MN GOOD FOLKS!

and gator wrestlers!

Wow, thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. I'm with you, Bugs--I think we're all doing pretty amazing jobs.

I have gotten good at taking advantage of the time without the kids. Built-in babysitter is what my IC calls it. For the most part, all I do is relax and recharge.

Bailed on the zoo today. We're all too tired.

And that's All Good, too! I've realized that a VERY important part to single parenting is knowing my limitations.

It doesn't have to be go, go go. The kids seem to really enjoy simple downtime, hometime with me. Ladybugs comment about our house being "so peaceful" reminded me of that. Obviously, the HoHouse hasn't been very peaceful - more so than I ever imagined!

Enjoy the TIME. It matters not so much what you DO, just that you are together.

Get some rest!

Yeah, I'm still figuring this one out. My parents are always telling me I try to do too much with the kids. They're just as happy at home tonight.

Gotta make dinner.

I just survived having my MIL visit, and I did really well.

Flashback--the SCQ is on vacation with her boyfriend, but she let me know that MIL would be in San Diego and would want to see the kids. I survived my time with them and did very well (including swimming lessons, the 4th of July block party, a trip to the Del Mar Fair, the beach, etc.).

Today my MIL called and wanted to see them today. We agreed on late afternoon. She had some stuff to do, and I took the kids to the beach. As I was getting ready, some of the hateful things to say tried to break through--some of the anger. But I was determined not to talk about that stuff.

And once she got here, we had a very pleasant visit. She talked more with me than she did the kids (she has never been all that good at interacting with the kids--FIL is much better), and we chatted about roses and FIL and the kids and stuff. It was easy.

She's the one who brought up the SCQ--how she needed some time with her to try to figure out what went wrong. I asked went wrong with what (thought maybe she meant with the marriage), and she replied "with my daughter." So we wound up talking about it. I was honest and blunt without being cruel or bitter. I told her that I think the SCQ is completely following POSOM's lead and gave the example of all the time without her kids or even calling them.

MIL didn't know that the divorce wasn't complete. I told her it's not because I've been holding it up (and that it's probably not complete because POSOM hasn't fully decided whether he wants to leave his wife or not). I told MIL that the SCQ is about to receive a big check, and that she's been more concerned about the money than the divorce. MIL knows that men in affairs lie and agrees with me that it will not end well, so she took special interest in the money part.

I told her that even now, I would still try to make it work, but since there's nothing from the other side, I have to move on. That I have been respecting my marriage vows. MIL wanted me to know that it isn't what they want, and I told her that I understood that. I told her she can call me any time, she can stay with me if she wants to avoid POSOM, she can see the kids any time. I think my MIL walked away really feeling bad for me.

I am okay, though. My neighbor is a 34-year old bachelor renting the house, and tonight his girlfriend is throwing him a birthday party. Earlier today, when MIL and I were out walking with the kids, I saw three blondes get out of a Mercedes and head into the party, and it took effort not to drool. I can hear the voices at the party now, and I'm invited--I know I would be welcome. I have the kids, though. But I'm ready to be divorced.

Hey SD,

Well, someone said something once that makes a lot of sense now - "you just need time to get to where he is." Done is what I think that they meant. After nothing, and I mean NOTHING, from the other side in going on 1 year now, I'm 95% done too. I think I just realized it in the last few weeks. My WS left town and I'm sure will never return.

So, I know where you are. It just takes longer for some of us I guess. And you have little ones, so I understand why you hung in there so long. I so admire you for that. You can continue on with absolutely no regrets. There is just nothing more that you could have done or can still do.

My bet is that as soon as your D is final, POSOM will return to his W and leave SQC high and dry. It will no longer be a conquest for him at that point. I think that sleeping with another man's wifey is what keeps this thing going for him. He'll return to her until he finds the next other man's wifey.

Will be interesting to see how it plays out....

Hang in there on the single parenting thing. Rest up for the teen aged years because you'll need every ounce of engergy you can muster then. But, your kids will look back someday and you'll be their hero. They will always remember this time.

Ok, so we need to come up with a name for all of us who are now fully baked and done. I can't think of one. I'll work on it.

Hey, thanks for stopping in, CL. Did you update your thread? Some folks were asking after you.

I didn't feel it at the time, but the weekend was more upsetting than I thought. Between talking to MIL and turning over the kids after having them for so long, the funk and angry things to tell the SCQ and shoulder tension have all been nipping at me for the past few days. Today is better.

On Doneness, as I think about it, the only thing I'm done with is this marriage. This marriage is over, and I am ready to be divorced. I still have some hope for my family, however.

I know that I do not want my kids to grow up in a broken family. I want my kids to take family vacations and celebrate family holidays the way I did. I want my kids to have the benefit of two loving parents ALL the time.

I know that the SCQ is who she is now, but this is not who she was in the past and need not be who she will be in the future. It depends what emerges if and when the affair ends.

I will not pine for this or hold out for it, but I won't close any doors either. I am Done for Now. I am not Done Forever.

Not sure whether or not that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense. You know who you're talking to around here, don't you?

BTDT. Done it quite a few times actually.

Play the hand you are dealt. You'll be lucky enough to have a couple of Aces in the future. I'm sure of it.

Fox