Larry,
I was talking with my Pastor last night and he said some things very similar to your post. He knows me pretty well and according to him I'm a "fixer." He's right. It is my nature to look at a problem, analyze the variables, and then take action to "fix" whatever is wrong. He told me that this isn't one of those things that I can just fix. He told me that when you're dealing with emotional issues, there is rarely a quick fix. He also said that because I have been so focused on doing all the right things that I probably have a lot of anger and resentment that has not been dealt with yet.

I think that's why I'm beginning to feel more frustration at this point. In the beginning, I took the problem I was presented, I did my research, I decided on a plan of action, and I've been carrying out that plan for the past 2+ months. According to everyone I've talked with, I have been doing everything right. But, even though things are drastically better than they were on d-day, there are still a lot of issues that continue to pop up from time to time.

The good news is that when I got home last night my wife didn't seem nearly as angry and was almost back to being herself. I did't push things and decided to just wait until after our individual MC sessions on Wednesday to bring this up again. I really need some help seperating what is due to our situation and what is due to pregnancy hormones. She is at that point right now where I will find her in tears and when I ask her whats wrong she jsut says "I don't know I just can't stop crying." I had almost forgotten all of the joys of pregnancy.

I also think that a lot of DD19's anger over this can be explained by saying that she is a lot like me. She also tends to be a fixer and she has really been working hard to help me and her mother resolve all of this. I think that when I did what I did last week that I threw a monkey wrench into her plans for her family to be whole again. I am going to talk to her about all of this today over lunch and remind her that this is something that her mother and I will have to work through and that this really isn;t her problem to fix.

Yes, your Pastor said it better than me. That is what I see.

Larry

RB

It would be a good idea to have a heart to heart discussion with your oldest. I had sense from reading yday that the attitude you are given from DD is that you need to get over it and move on. I could have misinterpreted.

Well - I can imagine there is going to be quite a few bumps on this road. She will need to understand that you are coming to terms of another man's baby growing inside her mother and you were not a part of the decision.

So far I think you have taken the high road but your family (everyone) needs to understand that you need a huge amt of healing yourself and they need to help you. This is not a one way street where you are carrying the heavy load in this situation.

RB,

Don't get concerned over being deposed. Lots has to happen before it ever comes to that, if it comes to that at all.

Pom

Hearing that story inevitably reminded your wife that she'd been a Class A, #1, finest kind fool over this guy. No matter how you worded the telling for her, nor what your intention was in confronting him (which I think was great, by the way), at least temporarily it rubbed your wife's nose firmly in the dirty fact that her great "romance" was with a man who was impregnating her while he was carrying on at least one more long-term affair with another woman. There may be other shoes yet to drop on that one, but if there was any hidden mental "gloss" left on her memories of that time, this pretty much wiped them away.

Why wouldn't it be easier to be angry at you? Her alternative is to burrow even deeper into the depths of her personal folly, and it's UGLY down there. She'll get over it, if she's as truly repentant as you think, and re-direct her anger appropriately. You inadvertently made her look in the mirror again, and she didn't like what she saw. Not your fault.

WONDERFUL post, T&L.

RB,

I do wonder why your DD19 is so involved in all of this like she is. It's seems an awful burden to put on a child even if she is technically an adult.

I hope you have sought professional help for all of your children to help them deal with this in a healthy, productive manner.

Just my 2 cents for whatever it's worth.

LC

LC
She is more involved than she should be. That's just her personality. but I think her mother and I need to be more aware of that and make a more concerted effort to keep her out of our issues.

DD19 and I had a good talk at lunch today. Just as I suspected, her anger seemed to be related to her getting her hopes up that everything was almost back to normal and then having the rug pulled out from under her with this latest episode. I explained to her that recovery takes a long time and that in our case it is even more complicated due to this pregnancy. She seemed to understand. I tried to make sure she understood that this is something that her mother and I need to resolve and that it’s not her responsibility to fix anything. I also assured her that I feel really confident that our marriage is going to recover and be better than before but that it will still take some time to deal with everything. I am going to talk with my wife tonight and let her know that we need to keep DD19 out of our marital issues and remember that she is still a kid even if the law considers her to be an adult.

As much as I enjoy having her at home, I really think that it will be better for her when she moves back to college in August. Hopefully that will allow her to just be a college kid and not worry constantly about all of this stuff. The other 2 kids have seen a counselor a couple of times and seem to be working through their own anger issues but doing okay given the circumstances. DD19 is the one who tends to be the worrier.

rb, I love hearing about parents investing themselves so wisely with their kids. It gives me warm fuzzies that your D, at least, will turn out better than 80% of the kids out there.

RB,

You absolutely did the RIGHT thing. How awful for the POSOM's wife if YOU had seen her POSH with another OW and NOT had the decency to tell her!!! You are a hero. To all involved.

I have learned so much about the fog. It lasts SUCH a long time ,LONG after the WS has had NC, LONG after they have realized they were idiots, LONG after it is clear that they have CHOSEN the marriage.

I have an entire list of things my FWH said within the first 9 months after D-Day. He wasn't turning back to the OW, he wasn't clicking into "affair thinking", he was just still foggy. I see that NOW. I did not see it then. It might not have made me feel better to have realized. My feelings were so raw, that any fogginess, (when I thought he should have been falling down in gratitude for giving him a second chance), left me spiraling back down to D-Day emotions.

I was not aware yet that leftover remnants of "patchy, dense fog" did not mean that my marriage was once again disintegrating.

Sometimes now, I tell my DH what he said last summer, when he was "supposedly" over the affair. He is SHOCKED to think he could have said these things. Your FWW will be too. Especially after she gives birth and watches YOU be the good dad to the baby.

To me, the clincher that she is still in fogland to some degree is that she is not feeling some pain for the POSOM's wife. She is not aware (YET!)that the most decent, humane thing you could possibly have done for that poor woman was to give her the TRUTH about her own life.

And you need to be aware that even if YOU had not sent the picture it doesn't mean that something else wouldn't have happened. Affairs are ALWAYS found out, and there are ALWAYS unforeseen consequences. "Unforeseen" being the operative word. We can NOT control what comes of our WS bad choices. And THEY can't either. Most of them really think that when they decide to commit to the marriage that NOTHING ELSE BAD will happen. Naive. Geez!!!! If your FWW had not made the choice to have an A with the OM, you might not have even noticed him sitting in the corner all cozy with the other OW.

I prefer to think that God let you be in THAT place at THAT time to do exactly what you DID. Not really to give YOU any satisfaction. But to give POSOM's wife the truth that SHE so desperately needed. You see RB, you have behaved so honorably through all this that God knew he could TRUST you to do the right thing, the hard thing, he thing that might STILL bring you some pain, in the form of anger from your foggy FWW.

Trust in God RB. You are doing EXACTLY the right thing.

Your wife will come out of the fog and KNOW what a great man she married.

Blessings,
WH2LE

RB,

Thanks for replying. I was hoping I didn't come across as being harsh, that certainly was not my intent. I was concerned perhaps your W was confiding in her. The wayward mindset is VERY immature and I had just imagined your W acting like a 19 year old herself in some ways in regard to all of this and feeling it was OK to share more than she really should be.

Our DD18 is the only of our children who knows of my A and she would rather eat nails than talk about it, that was one of the reasons I thought it was odd your DD seemed to be so involved. Our DD found evidence of my A about 3 years after I ended it and a year and a half after my confession to my DH. She ran across a book in my closet and asked me what it was all about. I told her the truth and told her anytime she had questions she could come to me. After this happened we had her talk to a professional to make sure she could deal with it properly.

I agree it would be a good idea for your DD to go back to school in the fall and remove herself from the day to day of it all.

I'm glad your other children are being guided also.

I've kept up with your situation since you came here and have shared it with my DH. Given all you have had thrown your way you are doing a remarkable job.

LC

My DS was 19 when the A was exposed and it's pretty hard to keep much information from a kid this age anyway. They've watched enough television by then to comprehend even the most dispicable adult actions regardless of whether they have their own experience with them or not. They need to know why their family is breaking apart and even if you don't tell them yourself, they will hear the rumours that go around about it. And they will know when you haven't told them something and they will feel betrayed by your omission. As for their involvement, my DS involved HIMSELF - partly for his own defenses and partly because he felt responsible. Yes even kids this age blame themselves. What got him over this was WstbxH bringing OW with him when he met DS to go to a movie and they spent the entire time smooching and making out and ignoring DS. But in the immediate aftermath, DS tried to move back home and tried to start parenting ME. It was a confusing time for a while but we did sort it out eventually. DS was an active participant this whole time - because he was a victim of the adultery as well.

Tabby,
You're right, you can't really keep secrets from a 19yo. Mine inserted herself much like your son did. Like I said earlier, she's a "fixer" like her Dad and thought she could help. Hopefully, I made it clear to her yesterday that, while I certainly appreciate her efforts, this is something that her mother and I need to work out and it's something that can't be fixed in a few weeks.

It also hasn't helped that my wife has been treating her more like a friend than a daughter. I shared this with my wife last night and told her that DD19 is still at a place in her life where she needs for us to be her parents and not her friends. I also reminded her that this is our problem and not our children's and that it would be best to limit their involvement to areas that directly impact them. She seemed to understand, but we'll se if anythign changes.

I swear, I feel like I'm trying to put together a 1000 piece puzzle with my eyes closed. But with persistence, we are still making progress. I think I got a little overconfident because we made so much progress in the first 2 months. But, although we are still making progress, it is much slower now and I am just now starting to see the enormity of recovery and that's so hard to explain to the children.

[/quote]

Does anyone else "sense" that possibly this thread just went past the point of believeability?

[/quote]



Yes ..... ITA

For crying out loud! Can we just stop doubting RB?

You are certainly welcome to your opinion. But, if that's how you feel, I would suggest you just ignore my thread and go post elsewhere. I refuse to waste my time and energy trying to justify myself to total strangers. I have enough on my plate as it is.

There are plenty of people who have be so selfless as to offer me help in my time of need and for that I am grateful. I will continue to seek their guidance for as long as they are willing to help me. The help I have already gotten here has been invaluable and I refuse to lose this great resource because of a few sceptics.

RB,

This is EXACTLY what I sensed was going on. I thought it way back when your DD was with her at her first dr appt and if I remember correctly was the first to know of the pregnancy.

Sure it's great to have a friend to confide it, but that friend should not be a DD or DS depending on the situation.

LC

Again, this could be DD19's doing as much or more than your wife. Also, this is not merely your (as in the parents) problem. It is very much your children's problem as well. It is their family that has been threatened. It is their brother or sister that is on the way. As a 19-year old, DD is attempting to be an adult by doing what she sees she can do to help. She really does need to participate in "fixing" this as much as she can. It is broken for her too and at her age, she WANTS to be an adult. Perhaps rather than asking her to stay out of it, you can provide some direction as to what she could do that would help the most? This could even involve talking with the younger daughter who she CAN be a friend to.

I was also struck by the fact that DD 19 was the first to know about pregnancy with OC. Seemed manipulative on the part of WW. Rather stacked the deck in favor of keeping OC as opposed to adoption. Also took the decision away from husband and wife and brought it up to family discussion.

Maybe I am wrong but seemed unhealthy to me.

God's Blessings,

Say

RB,



This is very similar to my experience.

In the weeks leading up to D-Day two years ago, my XWW really went overboard on her “friendship” with then DD18 and her friends. She played their games, listened to their music and went shopping with them to places where the average patron was approximately 19 years old. She was just their bestest buddy.

She even told DD that there were deep problems in the marriage and that there was a strong possibility that we would divorce some time after she left for college. She insinuated that these were joint conversations between her and me, and told DD not to talk to me about it because it could anger me. Naturally, there had been no conversations between us about the marriage and she had not once expressed a grievance to me regarding her unhappiness in 25 years.

She was simply laying the path to have a smooth relationship with DD after the ultimate discovery of the adultery and the divorce that only she was planning. It is always supremely important to a wayward to make sure everyone understands that the adultery and the state of the marriage have no bearing on one another.

Of course it all has backfired on her now she and DD20 have almost no relationship at all. They rarely see each other and only have short phone conversations every few days by phone. She did not even bother to drive 65 miles a few weeks ago to come to an emergency room where DD had checked into. She was with OM so had more important tasks at hand.

I am glad your DD is so strong.