I think it sounds like a very good evening. Don't be discouraged if his reaction isn't what you expected. I'll bet he'll appreciate it.

Just because you've been married for 13 years doesn't mean that it comes easily for her to do those things...to think of them...even if she knows that it means so much to you.



No and it shouldn't take valentine's day, fathers day or any other day either but sometimes we need those reminders to make sure we let those around us know how important they are to us.

I'm not trying to get under your skin. Besides, the night is not here yet, you don't know if she has something planned or not. I remember your fathers day post - good chance that your wife remembers how happy that made you too.


And imagine how how it would be to go shopping for those gifts if we didn't give hints at what would make us happy.

I think I also recall you posting to RB56 something about SF to reclaim your wife and erase images...maybe you can reclaim this day yourself, with your wife or as suggested by yourself. I'm all for with your wife if my 2 cents matter.

You aren't getting under my skin. I get what you're saying. Sometimes you have to ask for what you what, and sometimes you shouldn't have to.

Well, from a BH standpoint, I can tell you I'm only 3 months into it and I feel somewhat similar but it appears to be fading fast. In my case, my ego was SUPER high before the A was acknowledged. Now, I'd say my ego has been knocked down to average. My wife is doing the same thing. Throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me to save the marriage. For me, what has helped, is I got a corvette convertible right away, I also had the weight loss, but that actually helped as I'm better looking at 180 vs 200. I go to the gym and work out. I also took my wife on a trip and spun her out of control like only I can do.(And should have done more often during the early years) I put her back to the place where she can not get me out of her head. The romance, sex, etc swept her off her feet just like I did 14 years ago. Its interesting but the fear is now that I will cheat on her, because she knows I have the whrewithall. She has cried, begging me not to retaliate. Maybe I shouldn't have hinted that it crossed my mind, but what she did hurt that bad. The OM was an old loser/predator who suckered her in w/ all the BS lines, controlling personality, etc. I have no fear it would ever happen again. I have sent her away for 6 weeks, we're half way through it. Its punishment on her now, not me. She calls constantly, making sure I'm still her loving husband. I'm back in control of the situation. This is contrary to what some of the pros recommend on this board, but its working for me. I also have been approached by "some" who are quite interested if things don't work out. I did not want to go the two years, if its not gone when she gets back, I'm gone!! I will not live my life in misery. I am way too good for that, and so are you! My ego is heading back up! HAVE A GREAY DAY!!!

Write out some of the above thoughts in your card. Include any insight you have gained recently regarding your past wayward behavior. Add a full sentence about your sorrow for the pain you have caused him. Then go for that ride and that dinner and that other ride later.

Just to let you know....if it is punishment for your W (the 6 weeks away), and it sounds like it is (and that she knows it is)...your obviously gleeful attitude about punishing her is going to make your marriage suffer in the long run. She will remember this, and it will come back around to you....in spades.

I agree Intro. This post disturbed me a bit.

E.

lol...in so many ways.

I agree also.

This is NOT the advice you want to take, if you want to recover a healthy, loving marriage.

It is kind of strange (and hypocritical) that he refers to himself as the "loving husband"....but then gleefully "punishes" her and gloats about "others" that want to hook up with him if WW isn't "loving" to him.

I'm sure glad I'm not his beloved wife.

I know he shouldn't be treating his W that way, but MAN can I understand it. Extreme anger makes you do and say all sorts of things.

controlling another person is not love. Yuck.

I can understand it, but would never want that for myself. I want someone to love me whom I can love back, not a slave.

I can understand every and all feelings that he is going through...but, he shouldn't be so quick to right off advice from others who have gone through those very feelings. That si where he is failing. Making knee jerk and irational decisions is something I know a lot about (I could write a book), but he is in a forum that is about infidelity, and should use it for the very reason he came here.....for advice.

Krazy, the difference is that he is missing that internal control mechanism that stops you from doing these sorts of things, even if that is what you'd WANT to do in a perfect world-- where you wouldn't have to then deal with the consequences of THOSE actions.

Two wrongs doesn't make a right.

Either he wants to recover-- and should work towards that-- recovering both PERSONALLY and in the MARRIAGE, or he doesn't.

If he's not sure, that's fine, and that's his RIGHT after what she did.

But, you can't say "OK, we're gonna recover, but first you have to pay".

He's REACTING--- not ACTING.

And if this WHOLE DISASTER has taught me ANYTHING in life, its that I pay much more attention to my actions-- and whether they are REACTIONS or ACTIONS. There's a H-U-G-E difference, and IMHO, most "reactions" are not "right"-- they are usually the taker speaking.

We are all guilty of reacting instead of acting. I was really guilty of it beforehand. I'm Italian, what can I say-- I'm genetically programmed to fly off the handle and REACT. But I fight that now, and I'm proud of the progress I've made in being able to slow down, take a deep breath and think and ACT, not react.

Its just a little sad that this "reaction" is being carried out over SIX WEEKS! Most reactions are pretty impulsive, and then regretted shortly later by the person that did them (well, most are regretted)-- but he's carrying this out, knowingly-- for 6 weeks!

I've seen plenty of BS kick out the WS. And, yeah, thats a reaction, but one that's understandable, I think, on D-day. But usually after the BS calms down, if they have any interest in fixing the M, they realize that it was a mistake to toss out the WS. This is 6 week separation is bizarre to me...

I sure hope this air of superority didn't permeate your marriage before the A, but I suspect it did. And I suspect you haven't dug down for the T-R-U-E reasons for this, and figured out your role in fixing the marriage-- where you've failed.

Maybe I'm wrong. The whole post just seems pompous tho.

E.

Happy two year d-day anniversary! Never been in your shoes but it saddens me to think that you are doing this to yourself. Look ahead 25 years--you'll be where my H and I are age wise. I can guarantee that you will look back at this time and think, "Crap! Why did I waste my life and emotional energy on this? Move on--with or without her...just decide which it is to be and move on. Sounds like she chose YOU a second time and that you have chosen to stick it out with her. So you owe it to yourself to stop letting this baggage rent space in your head. If you cannot do it alone, get help! Life is short and the "real" golden years are always behind us. And as for that thinning spot--they always come on quickly. You will look back on 2008 as the year you still had a full head of hair.

I hear ya

Did your wife surprise you?

{{{{{{{{{{Krazy71}}}}}}}}}

To answer your question at the two year "fannyversary" we were doing pretty well. I was desperately relieved to not be living the worst possible outcome of our experiences that I was sort of content in that for a while. We had a genuinely lovely 20th anniversary trip to Madrid ( which I wrote about on the anniversaries forum if you care to look).

Another thing is K, my MIL had a lot to do with our experiences. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer just after my Squid's 40th birthday, and I found myself on a project at work that I loved with a lot of travel and hours.

Squid hurled herself into her sport in response and had her affair.
Well, MIL was made from bricks and she didn't die as soon as forecasted by medic. She lasted 18 months after d-day which made aggressive recovery somewhat complex.

So I stuffed my anger; stuffed my pain; stuffed my requirements for a new great marriage... a bit like you are, only worse. Starting into year 3 I found myself burning with indignation.

In fact I sought to resolve this by seeking out OM, ambushing him and beating the sh*t out of him. Didn't help, as his decency gave me something to admire in him ( which I hate to this day) and also misdirected my vengeance. See he owned me NOTHING, it was Squid who betrayed me. I was an anonymous handshake or two to him.

And I felt pretty grim for doing that.

Its all about paradoxes, you see Krazy.

For example : if anyone but Squid has been responsible for the wilful corruption of all the goodness in my family's life I would have not rested until I had hunted them down and killed them by my own hand. Yet it WAS Squid. The wife of my youth: the mother of my children.

Where's the guidebook to deal with that ?

When she was hurling filth at me in her affair pomp, and I prayed on my KNEES in TEARS day after day for God to make me UNlove her...I still freakin' loved her.

Want to tell me how to deal with that ?

On a scale of great spousehood, heck maybe on a scale of "nice personness" Squid mostly scores about middling most days. Always has. Yet I love her and against my WILL I still wag my tail like bloody puppy when she is nice to me.

Want to tell me how to deal with the self hatred that raises ?

Squid will criticise me occasionally. Its her way when she is stressed and I do something she doesn't approve of with the kids or similar. Yet she screwed away their security, hope and livelihoods on a WHIM back then, and I am not allowed to say anything about that because its " punishing" her ?

How am I supposed to deal with THAT ?

Now understand Krazy, Squid and I are doing better than for YEARS right now, but these indignations ( and others) seethe and writhe at my core like magma at the heart of the earth. And I am FOUR YEARS INTO this journey. I still feel how hot the bile is in your throat when I read your posts and I can taste it too in memory.

The final paradox is this I think : It is NOT what Squid does in the PRESENT that causes this grief. Its what she did in the past. because of that I do not think anything she can do now or in future will remove them from me. She cannot unF*ck OM.

MyRevelation and I had a rare agreement a few weeks ago when we were discussing this topic. we agreed that a BH better get a taste for sh*t sandwiches if we are to recover successfully. THAT is what I need to acquire now. To learn how to overlook the facts of the past that cannot be changed.

That is just ME. I know several, maybe MANY BS who are VERY recovered, and for whom the A was a distant scar. For a couple they appreciate the opportunity for marriage improvement the A gave them.

Now I am so far from that it's not even funny BUT I do recognise that such is possible. Maybe for me one day, Krazy, maybe for you too.

Until then, try to live in the day: if it is a fun day it IS a fun day, no less fun for a vile thing that happened 2 years ago. And see how that works for you.

Finally I also realise quite recently that Squid didn't do this AT me. My devastation was an unintended consequence of her "fun". It helped me to realise that.

ALl blessings mate, This is a tough gig.

Krazy,

How did it go last night? Isn't it funny how days of the year no different than any of the other 364 days can hold so much significance to a BS. I have quite a few of my own. This weekend is when LaLa's PA began 2 years ago. Followed up by my birthday on Aug 2nd, which is the day I realized she was having an A. Then, I got Aug 24th which is my YS's birthday and also the day LaLa planned to have SF with the OM. Needless to say, July and August have pretty much have sucked for me for the past 2 years. I'm at the 15 month Dday mark right now. It's still not easy, but I'm definitely better than I was 15 months ago.



Right there with you. I've gotten pretty good at doing what I need to do in my daily life. Putting on a normal exterior. On the inside though, I still find myself in complete turmoil. I have shed more tears in the past 2 years than I probably did in the 35 years prior to that. I still spend every morning having to make peace with my life over my morning coffee and smoke.


Your not alone, Krazy. Every love scene, every time some hooks up. I have to fight back tears. It's not just movies either for me. Heaven help me if I hear a ballad or love song that I related to my M. For the most part, I avoid music altogether now because I'm just one wrong song away from turning a pretty decent day into absolute misery.


Big ditto from me.


This is where I'm going to disagree. I think you are being way to hard on yourself. The circumstances of your situation where horrendous. I'll admit there is NO way I could have even attempted what you are doing. I really don't believe the 2 year recovery mark applies to you Krazy. It's just too early to be sure how you are going to feel 5, 10, 15 years from now. The one thing you must not do is give up the fight. You keep working to make things better until you are happy.

Something else I've noticed since you started posting here. Your posts have gradually become less ummmm..........."Krazy" for lack of a better word. So whether you see it or not, you are healing. Slowly, one day at a time, like all the rest of the BS's here. Keep up the good fight and hang in there..........

Want2Stay