Now that school is out, DS8 is going to the same day care as DD5. He was dead-set against doing any camps or the like, so he spends his days at our provider's house with kids who are all younger than he is. He's happy with this, and our provider does a nice job of trying to keep him engaged (lots of library books and time to read).

One of my concerns with this was that the kids are not getting any break from each other (like they would during the school year). I suggested via email that we do some split-squad nights during the week. Both kids go to day care together, but we each take one home. The kids love the split-squad time, because with me I give them individual attention and make the time be about them.

The SCQ hasn't responded to that suggestion. I fully expect it is because it would mess up her schedule with POSOM--it wouldn't be convenient for her to have one kid all week long.

I got the kids back last night and asked whether or not the SCQ had talked to them about the idea. She hadn't. They liked the idea. DD5 made it clear that she wants to come home with me. I speculated that maybe the SCQ doesn't want to do it because it would mess up her time with POSOM, and they agreed.

Then DD5 asked me why I don't like POSOM. I told her because he tells lies and because he broke up two families--that he is the reason Mommy left home. DD5 then said she didn't want to talk about it anymore because it would make her cry.

Later, out of the blue, she told me that she had a good time with the SCQ and hoped she didn't go away again but that she still likes me best. It was the first time she's been that blunt about it. DS8 understands the diplomacy part of it better and keeps his cards closer to his vest.

I think I'll suggest the split-squad stuff for her nights only so that she can keep her other nights free. Maybe I can do that without letting all my disgust show.

I've wondered a bit on how to handle DDs relationship with each other and with me, too.

DD14 gets alone time with me when DD13 is at WxH for visitation. DD13 gets almost NO alone time with me.

They very seldom have alone time - just the two of them.

They actually seem to be getting along better now that DD14 is not going to WxH's for visitation.

I worry that DD13 feels left out of our lives. I sure hope she doesn't.

I make an effort to stop at the school a couple of times a week so that DD13 and I can play a game of basketball. DD14 is with us, but doesn't care much for basketball. She'll swing or be buried in her phone texting. She'll join us for "around the world" sometimes but mostly it is just DD13 and I.

While it isn't time for ONLY DD13 - she's is my focus during that time.

DD14 is done as of today with Driver's Ed and will be staying home during the day while I am at work. DD13 sometimes goes to xMIL house if her cousins are there when I am at work. I think I am going to require they BOTH stay home at least ONE day during the week. They need to maintain their relationship no matter what happens with me or with WxH.

It's really tough to balance it all. Nurturing all the relationships with their families is very important, I think.

I was a bit worried that the court would force DD14 to go to WxH's for just this reason. They don't usually like to split siblings, I hear.

She was spared, so I will do my best to create an environment that encourages a good relationship between them.

Fox

Guy,

I dunno, maybe you are complicating things . I suppose it's nice to have quality alone time with each kid, but your children also need to learn to cooperate and share, coexist. I don't think I was ever given the chance to be separate from my sister and brother. We all shared the same space, all the time. Sis and I were in daycare together, as children; I liked it for some reasons, disliked it for others. For many, it's just the way it is. They are really no worse for the wear. I had some time, here and there, alone with my mom. I just had to make the effort to make the opportunity.

I don't remember wanting to spend oodles of time with my mom once I was a teenager, either. I was more interested in friends and boys (sorry Foxy). I think you (Foxy) are creating great opportunities with the girls. It's enough.

At this point, don't bother even speculating on how this affects SCQ and POSOM. Who gives a rats [censored]? If you would like a change, make a request and take her answer for what it is. If it's something that you REALLY want, then go two to three rounds over it.

[sarcasm] No way! [/sarcams]




True, though. I think DDs have GUILT about leaving me to go do things. We had a discussion the other day about how I LIKE when they are out having fun and being kids. It eases MY guilt about having a nice time without them, when I know they are out having fun too.

It doesn't mean I love them less or they love me less.


I hope so. We have been having some good discussions about this lately.

Since things have been decided legally, I want to be sure to address some fears and concerns - theirs and mine.


yup

Yeah, it's probably overcomplication. Part of it comes from knowing how much they enjoy the individual time, and the frustration that it's difficult to provide it as a single parent (and that it shouldn't be this way and doesn't have to be this way, but that I have to accept it anyway, because it isn't under my control).

The kids are getting more used to the situation and how it works, but I like to be able to take DS8 to the park for an hour and a half to practice baseball stuff without having to worry about DD5 getting bored or having to go to the bathroom or whatever. Or being able to play games with DD5 without DS8 around so that she can win something for a change.


Yes . . . this is very good advice.

Hey SD,

Yeah, I did an update. Nothing really, just going more and more towards fully baked. WH dragging feet on providing what marital assets he transferred to OP. Gee, imagine that. Doesn't want me to know, I'm sure. Too bad.

Hasn't it been almost two years for you? Looks like you took your signature off the bottom, so I wasn't for sure. Anyway, two years is enough for anyone and you are the poster boy for the loyal, faithful, patient, BS. Are you going for the Guiness? lol.....

Anyway, the affair will end as soon as your D is final. Someone said it on the board a while back - some affairs needs a M to survive. I think it's true....

You are doing an outstanding job my friend.

SD-
You know, I came from a family that was NOT broken up, and I NEVER had time alone with my mom or dad, unless it just happened that way. I do not think that it needs to be that way with you and your WW. Your kids know that you love them, and as they get older, they will need to realize that the world does NOT just revolve around them, and their happiness. Sometimes they need to realize that they have sisters and brothers, and this is what life is.

I find myself beating myself up because I do not spend so much 'quality' time with the kids as my ex does, but I came to realize that this is what life is: responsibilities, and when they are done, THEN fun. And it actually made my kids clean up more, listen more, help out more. I have one day a week that I have fun with the kids all day, and the other days I either work, or I take care of things at home. And they are learning. Learning that life is not just about fun, and being with each other having fun.

On that same note, I have talked to many a person that has told me the glory days of the door opening after breakfast, not coming home till lunch, then dinner, and not doing a lot WITH our parents. And I have come to realize that WE, the PARENTS, cannot always be there to entertain our kids. That is just not how it is supposed to be.

So STOP beating yourself up over that, and STOP trying to push the split time. I cannot help but think that you are pushing that to mess up her time with POSOM. That is not going to work.

Focus on you a little bit. JUST YOU. It is ok once in a while.

Jeez, I hope not. It's been long enough. Two and a half years since D-Day, and a year and a half of Plan B.

I'm just trying to do whatever seems to be the right thing at the time. Not disregarding my marriage vows. Not unloading on the SCQ. Not thinking of devious ways to accelerate the demise of the POSOM. Being the best parent that I can be. Enjoying the day, my kids, and my life as best I can. Today.

Ha. Good one, Sadmo. I had to think twice to make sure I wasn't doing it. It really is about the time with the kids--because it's something that I want to do and it's something that they enjoy. I can honestly say using it as a tool to mess with the infidels was never a motivation. On multiple occasions OMW wanted to coordinate our parenting schedules to mess with them, but I dismissed the idea.

Here's what I am guilty of, though. Because I thought the suggestion WAS messing with her infidelity schedule and that that's why she hadn't replied, I revamped my suggestion such that the split-time days occur on her weekdays (without any DJ-laced reasons why). She responded that it should be split across our days and said I should take DD5 on Tuesday (her day) and she would take DD5 on Wednesday (my day). Which made me conclude that the SCQ will just take DD5 with her to POSOM's on Wednesdays (POSOM has small girls). I don't think she would do this with DS8, so I said I wanted DS8 on Tuesday instead. She agreed for this week but said she wanted it the other way around going forward, but next week the kids and I are traveling and I'm thinking I'll let the whole thing drop after this week.

Yeah, I really don't think I'm doing too much of that. Using it as something to be angry about, maybe, but I know that I'm doing the best I can and believe that I'm doing a good job. So, no, the kids don't NEED me to be their playmate, but if I can and want to, shouldn't I? They will be older and too busy with friends for me soon enough.


I am in one of those 'something is missing' grooves. I feel the urge to do something, but I don't know what it is. A vacation? A major purchase? A house remodel? All of these are possible (and due), but I can't seem to get excited about any of them.

SD,


I understand this very well. Lots to do, lots of options, but hard sometimes to get excited about any of it. Been there. Done that. Probably will be there again.

Have a party. Just something small with close friends and a relaxing time. My girl party was just that and it seemed to really refresh ME as an individual

I had a good evening with DS8. We had enough daylight left to get in some time at the park doing some baseball drills, which we both like. Then out for dinner (IHOP) and back to watch the All-Star game on DVR, which was fun.

During dinner, DS8 told me that POSOM has a house now (as opposed to the rented condo) and that DD5 and the SCQ are spending the night there. Tomorrow it is his turn. The house is his old one now that he has bought his wife out and forced her to move.

I'm trying not to let this bother me, and for the most part it isn't. It is tempting to plant questions for him to ask, but it would be putting him in the middle of things, so it is easy to resist the temptation. Questions to POSOM like "Nice house. Where does your wife live now?"

I want to lash out at the SCQ and make her feel the pain of what she's doing, but there wouldn't be much point, so I won't.

SD,

I am sorry my friend. I KNOW how much that hurts - you know that I do. Although it's expected,,it still feels like an ax right in the heart, doesn't it.

Well, remember, the best laid plans of a WS and the OP are most often NOT the reality that they end up getting! The more normalthey try to make their lives, the more REALITY comes into play.

I know it's hard when it's your own personal sitch, but think about all of the times you've read about here when REALITY sinks in in Affairland, the R they have built on lies, pain & deceit usually crumbles much faster.

That's the attitude I took when Drac started the overnights with the Ho and the kids. I just prayed that reality would strike all the more quickly. I'm praying the same for you and the kids.

Keep fighting the temptation to ask questions or lay them out for the kids to ask. I know you knowthat, I just want to support you in that battle. I like to think that it was helpful in my sitch that I didn't ask ANY questions. I don't know if it helped the demise, but I do know that it helped ME to be darker and more at peace.

{{{{{{{{{{{{SD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((SD))))

We all know how much it hurts. We all have the T-shirts too, you know.

But, it sounds like fun huh? Spending the night in the house that your AP shared with their former spouse? That has to be appealing to the SCQ. Yep, one big happy family over there. Puke me a river.

yeah dude, that's about as lame as lame can get

throw your wife out to move in the new family, his pitch fork in he11 will have extra tines on it

I know you're not kicking a dead horse, but maybe it's about time to stop wondering if it's dead

how much longer till the divorce is final?

I second this.

We'll puke into their River of Denial.

Geez, talk about added insult to his wife. What a catch he is.

Fox

Isn't that in Egypt?

yes, I know that joke was lame

it will never happen again


NOT!!

BC,

You can tell when the vienna sausages dipped in the bayou take effect - JOKES LIKE THAT!



Fox

Thanks, guys. Insomnia last night, but it wasn't because I was laying awake stewing over the SCQ stuff. The SCQ thing just kind of drifted in and out with other things going on, so it could be worse.


I hadn't really thought of it that way yet. Thanks for bringing in the perspective.

Enough that she chooses to spend her individual time with the kids bringing them there. Example number 785 for how far gone she is.

This guy seems to be a real piece of work. After OMW found out about the affair, she filed for divorce. Then (while continuing the affair), he sweet talked her into dropping the case. Over the next several months, he successfully painted her as a nut job and then filed his own divorce case. Before that, I think she could have gotten primary custody of the kids (he had the affair, he left the home) and kept the house. As it stands now, she has only partial custody and doesn't get spousal support (and she really needs it). It doesn't make sense, but I don't want to wade into it any deeper than I already have--her helplessness just frustrates me.

Soon, I hope. Her lawyer was supposed to have been drafting the MSA last week. I asked my lawyer for an update. Maybe within a month?

good deal

I really think you need it finalized to get your personal recovery to the next level

It's a huge weight off your shoulders and it provides some closure.

It's probably a big surprise but I agree with BC 100%. It's time.