Yes, I have an Alanon sponsor. H tried one meeting, but it was one with a lot of pain expressed, and it reinforced his idea that this was focusing on negativity. I can understand that, because I may well have felt overwhelmed if that was my first meeting, too. I was fortunate to start in a group that had the hope when I needed it. That's why at Alanon they encourage you to try several groups if there are several in your area. But he has also been to other things with me, like my anniversary meeting, and a gratitude dinner, so fortunately he hasn't closed the door.

My problems with H's drinking started when DD12 was a newborn. We all have different ways to deal with stress, and this was the first time when things get tough. Juggling a newborn, both of us in new jobs where we were trying to impress, buying our first home, and my MiL getting ill, at the same time. I had the expectation that we were going to be like settlers on the frontier, circling our camp to keep it safe. Instead, I felt abandoned to resolve more alone than I thought I could handle. When one of the things I had liked about H was how he seemed to me like a fort, a lighthouse, safe harbor.

What a burden off my shoulders this year, when I was talking to a dear friend and she asked me to consider that we are our own safe harbor.

I encourage you to try Alanon. you can't resolve your H's FOO issues, but you can minimize the consequences to you and empower your son to do that, too.



You don't have conversation? Have you tried side by side talking, like in a car or on a walk, instead of face to face? Or at a neutral place, like a park or coffee shop?

I can completely relate to your comments here. I felt abandoned...I even (at one point) wanted to erase myself (not by suicide) by giving myself a nickname of "not + my name." It was a horrible place to be, but I suppose that would be considered hitting "rock bottom" and allowed me to climb to a faith so deep I didn't know it was possible. I now know that I matter and have a purpose for being here. It's given me the courage to go back to school and to succeed. I don't consider myself the safe harbor, but I do consider Christ my safe harbor.


H considers relationship talk an LB. He'd rather have his eyes poked out with a sharp stick (to put it in his words). I come here to have that need met. Rarely do we go places, much less w/o the kids. H is entrenched in "home" and his shop; he wouldn't leave the property if it were up to him. Not that being a homebody is bad, it's just who he is.

I still haven't done research on Alanon in this area. I have finals coming up in 2 weeks and will look into it then.

My spiritual awakening came shortly before I got here to MB. I still had these leftover patterns of holding up my H as my Higher Power, too, though, always trying to win his approval. Yes, I do consider God and Christ the safe harbor, too. But I needed someone down here in the physical world to have a voice for me, too, and I realized that was me.



I hear you, that you two haven't found the RC activities and converastion that he is enthusiastic about yet. Do you think it's the depression that cloaks him in less willingness to share with you what would make him enthusiastic? Resentment? A lackof brainstorming ideas? What do you think it is?

Hmmm, I think H is just comfortable with his shop for his own RC activity. I think convertation (especially relationship talk) is very uncomfortable for him...perhaps because he feels shame a lot...I came from a family where we "debate" our points quite a bit and enjoy it. We didn't fight, just pressed until we made our point...I think H feels like that's an attack...he'll say "fine, you're right, I'm wrong!" I have to try to back off my intensity during this kind of talk. I don't think he's any more depressed than normal...I think he's still "supressed" from his childhood issues (being told that he was worthless, etc). As far as RC, football season is coming up. We have two boys who will be playing, and our little girl will try cheer this year. We had a marvelous time last year when the boy had their football debut.

How about doing a Rule of 20 list, thinking of 20 options to try?

That's a great idea (as far as the list of 20), I'll work on it today. Thank you.