|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
Lets see, he got a refinance, me paying part of his car payment and he recently bought himself a laptop. I feel scammed Yup. I get it. Kimberly, give it some time and you will be able to discern what REALLY is yours to deal with and you will let go. This is going to take some time. First off, THWAP (2x4), stop answering those emails. Get an intermediary. PRONTO. This is your task. Get darker. I would suggest the books "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. This is a good place to start while in Plan B. You can begin to implement boundaries in your life. Initially, it's no easy task, but you get the hang of it.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
LIL - He is being such a big "little man" about this. He did have a rough day at camp yesterday. I hope he is not just putting on a brave front for me. You recognize it now when someone is using you. It gives me such great peace knowing you have come SO FAR!! You are going to make it and your boy is lucky to have you to protect him.
And you can count on me to say something if I see you falling back into that trap again! Somehow I don't think you are going to fall for it again.  Melody - I just wish I had figured it out sooner. I am stronger!! I am not sure if I would have pushed WH about working on the M last week if I hadn't come here first and had you guys question me about him having another A. It was in the back of my mind........ First off, THWAP (2x4), stop answering those emails. Get an intermediary. PRONTO. This is your task. Get darker. SL - I know, I know.....I'm sure even if my e-mail is not nice, it gives him some sense of satisfaction that I sent him an e-mail. I'm not sure who I would want to ask to be an Intermediary this time around. WH ran off my Intermediary before. Then I couldn't find another one. My plan is to just put any schedule changes or pertinent info in with WH's mail. And put it in the mailbox for him once a week. I don't plan on contacting him unless it involves $$ or DS. I have contacted the counselor that WH & I saw last week. Trying to work at a good time to do IC. I didn't even get myself IC the last time I had to go into Plan B. I really plan on taking care of myself. I want to live my life, not just watch it go by. I want to experience things, not just wait for good things to come my way. Oh, and thanks for the book suggestions! I do love reading.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
You sound like you have pretty good footing now, Kimberly. I suppose it's because you have been at this long enough to know that you WILL be okay.
As for your DS, he probably IS putting on a brave face. Just let him know that you are there to listen. I want to reiterate what Melody has touched on. It is so very important that your son know that what his father is doing is WRONG. Teach him this now so that you reduce the chances of DS repeating the behavior he sees in his father. This is not about BASHING your WH, this is about being honest with your son about his fathers actions and it's affect on the family. Just think about it. I'm going to leave this subject alone now. I know how hard this is.
The book by Melody Beattie is a good one. Daily affirmations on owning what is yours and letting go of the rest.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
SL -
It is hard for me -- I did ask DS today "DS tell me what you think marriage is?" "What do you think it means to get Married?"" He said he wasn't sure. I'm not sure if he just didn't want to talk about it or he really didn't know.....so, I talked to him a little bit about what it meant to get married, talked about the ceremony and the promises that you make to another person.
I took a baby step in the direction of telling him. I first wanted to know what his impression/idea of marriage was --
I'll get there......
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
Cool beans, Kimberly. I think you are doing just fine. Baby steps 
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
How do I enforce boundaries without an Intermediary? WH called last night & left a vm regarding my note to him. My note was bascially a schedule of next week and then a reminder about giving me a check b/c he hadn't given me one yet.
He wanted to know if my note regarding Thursday was for this Thursday or next Thursday. Then he said he had a check for me and had "forgotten" to give it to me. That he would come by and put it in the mailbox.
Then today he e-mailed me - to tell me he put a check in an envelope and slid it in the garage. That he came by Saturday while I was out of town to mow the lawn, but everything was locked up. and "I'll do that if you will give me access to the garage." He told me he would be going out of town next weekend for his high school reunion, wouldn't be back until late Sunday (which is his day with DS). Wanted to know if he could spend the day with him on Monday instead (he's taking the day off).
Then he asked for his phone charger and some of his clothes. He had the nerve to sign it "Love, WH"
I think he is feeling a bit guilty. I mowed 1/2 the lawn on Tuesday & guess he just wanted to "offer his help". Thanks, but no thanks.
I don't plan on responding to the e-mail. Even though I want to so I can tell him he's helped quite enough already. That surely he must be jesting when he signs off with "love". He took me for a fool once, but I'm not falling for that again.
I'll just put some clothes in the garage for him to pick up on Sunday with some other miscelleneous things. Short note to say "Next Monday is o.k. Pick DS up no later than 7:45 AM. Back by 7 PM. Don't call me as long as you are having an Affair. Normal = End your Affair."
It is sad, but I feel next to nothing for WH. He has pretty much shattered anything that was left. I grieve sometimes for what was. But am somewhat happy that he doesn't get to me like he used to.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
What you are feeling is normal, and what he is doing is by the script.
Get an intermediary. Write a Plan B letter and send it to him.
Break open your copy of Surviving an Affair. Go to page 79 and start reading up on Plan B. There is a sample letter there on page 80 that Jon wrote to Sue. Use this as a template.
Get as dark as you possibly can. I really think you need to see a lawyer, Kimberly. Get serious about this. Protect your assets and your child. Set up visitation and an intermediary ASAP. Then get dark. You have choices here.
Do not let him help you around the house. So far, so good with this one; keep it up.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
SL -
I'm not sure about sending another Plan B letter. At least not the same type that I sent the first time......
This is my first Sunday without DS. WH just picked him up.....I hate this routine. Hate it, Hate it, Hate it.
I found a suggestion from a website about how to word telling DS about his daddy having an A. Below is what I found:
"when a mom and dad decide to get married, they make a promise to love only each other. Sometimes moms and dads make mistakes and hurt each other. Dad loved another woman in a way that he should have only loved mom. That’s why mom is so sad.”
I think I will use that with DS, changing the last line to "That's why mommy could not let daddy stay here anymore." I think I will take out "Sometimes moms and dads make mistakes and hurt each other."
Had a good day with DS yesterday - the horseback riding was fun, but he was too scared to ride by himself even with the trail guide "ponying" him. So, we had to squeeze into one saddle together!!! He enjoyed himself by the end of the ride.
Well, guess I'll go shopping or something --
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514 |
Kimberly,
I have not read your whole thread but I wanted to tell you that in the last few posts that I just read you sound like a very strong woman.
I wonder alot lately what I would do if my H ever betrayed me again and I just realized after reading a few of your posts that I don't need to worry about the what if's because I can be a strong woman like you and it would not be the end of my world. I know I ramble a bit, but what I am trying to say is that you are an inspiration to me.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
Trying - Thanks for reading & for your post. Some days are much better than others. You are right, it really is not the end of the world. And more often than not, I do look at it as a new beginning. I hope I can keep inpsiring you.. There are so many people here that are stronger than they realize.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
I wanted to share this with everyone - My neighbor e-mailed it to me and it really helped me through a rough day. It is a letter from God - Kimberly,
My child, I have taken care of you. Before you were even born, I knew what every single one of your days was going to look like (Psalm 139:16). Whatever the circumstances you face in your life are not going to be a surprise to Me. I have everything you will need and I will walk you through every step of the way. I'm not going to let you go. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). When you feel helpless and worried, let that be a sign to you that you need to turn to Me. I will be your help. I promise. I am your refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). Come to Me. You don't have to strive and strain to make things happen. My plan for your life is a good one. All I've asked you to do is to trust Me, and live in the present the way I've called you to live. Walk with me through this. I'll walk with you step by step. There's nothing that we can't tackle together. I don't' promise that life will be easy, but in the hard times, when life is crashing down around you and you turn to Me, you will find Me there ready to hold you while your world shakes. I will protect you. I will carry you if you need to be carried. I will hold your hand and walk you through it all. I am He who will sustain you and I will rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). Don't worry about the "what ifs" that may or may not come in your future. If they do come, you and I will face them together. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, you God (Isaiah 43:2-3). I will give you everything you need. Though you may stumble you will not fall because I will uphold you with My hand (Psalm 37:23-24). It makes me so sad when you stress and strain and worry about things that I have promised to provide. I have got your life covered – your whole, entire life, down to the tiniest detail. You will always be provided for. Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6). I love you and I will take care of you. Please trust Me.
Love,
God
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He has your back, Kim! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
My good day ended terribly.
I hadn't prepared myself so well for the drop-off. And I now remember how hard it was for me before on Sunday evenings. Pick up and drop-off are awful. Why is it that I get so sad & depressed?
DS went with me to walk the dog after & he had just gotten off the phone w/his Grandma. Then he pretended to call his Dad - I thought he had so I walked ahead as I didn't want to hear the conversation. Even though I walked ahead I could hear him pretend to talk to him - telling him about a show he thought he might want to watch later. When DS got off the phone, he came up ahead & said "mommy, I just got off the phone w/Daddy. I told him about the show we were going to watch." I just said "o.k.". Then he said, "I'm just kidding!" For some reason, that got me. I said "DS, Daddy has really hurt mommy. Please don't tease mommy like that." I got down on my knees so I could look up at him -- and then gave him the speech I had been holding back on. I told him that when a Mommy & Daddy get married they make promises to each other. They make a promise to love only each other. And that Daddy loves another woman like he is only supposed to love mommy.
He looked at me and then said he was going back inside.
UGH. I think my timing was way off & I was hurting at the time. I didn't want to tell DS when I was already upset. I went to my backyard and just sat down & cried. I think it hurt DS. It hurt me to tell him.
Gosh, I hope I did the right thing. I don't feel like I did. I feel awful for telling him.
I feel like I have shattered his innocence and childhood.
I know what you guys are thinking. It wasn't me, it was WH. WH did all of this. Not me. But I was the one who told DS.
later, DS came out and found me. I dried my tears as quickly as I could.
I DO NOT want this to be DS's childhood memories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO NOT want DS to look back on this & think of this time when he thinks of his childhood. HOW can I make this better for him?????
While I was sitting outside, I was sooooo close to texting WH with "I hate you." WH had told me that he wished at times that I would call it quits and tell him that I hated him. He would get his wish.
I had the text ready to send. But I didn't send it.
I just can't believe that this is happening to me. Still.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,197 |
(((Kim)))
Trust me, I know how much that stunk, BTDT.
BUT...
It is better that DS knows the truth. In his little mind, he may have thought you were mad at Daddy for throwing his socks on the floor instead of the hamper. He will do better knowing that marriage is big promises and it takes something big to end a marriage.
(((Kim and DS)))
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384 |
Hello Kimberly, you do not know me and I never posted before.
I have been following your thread (not sure I'll be/ am in a similar situation).
Just wanted to tell you that I think you did the right thing about talking to your son.
I dont believe there's an easy way of telling it.
That sadness of yours would always be there.
We can't protect them from everything. He's going to be stronger now.
His child memoires will be of a good strong and supportive mother who had the courage to tell him the thruth.
Wish you the best.
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
Jean & Lost -
Thanks. I hope that you are both right.
I keep thinking that maybe I can break some cycle -- What would have happened with WH IF his MOM had told him the truth about what happened with she & his Dad. His Dad had an A. Would WH have been a different husband? Had he know how much it hurt his mom, would he have done the same thing to me?
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 86 |
Gosh, I hope I did the right thing. I don't feel like I did. I feel awful for telling him. Yes, you did the right thing. I would go even further by saying that you should have done it earlier. He's 8, not 3. I think you should have another talk with your son. But this time, calm and collected. Allow him to ask questions if he has any.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698 |
Hi Kim,
just dropping in to say hi.
Hi.
Hope things are going well for you and DS. {{{{HUGS}}}}
Lil
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,200 |
Hi Lil - thanks for stopping by!! I'm reading your thread....
SL suggested I do a Plan B letter. I believe you are right SL. But I don't know if I should do the standard since this is the second time.
WH e-mailed me today telling me he printed school supply list & asked if I had gotten anything yet.
I did not respond. He does not need to be e-mailing me. If WH wants to buy some stuff, he doesn't need to check in with me. I'm certainly not checking in with him.
Suggestions on Plan B letter? I mainly want to enforce boundaries, don't have an intermediary and am not sure if want to save the M. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
((((kimberly))))
I know how difficult that conversation was. There may be more of those in the future, but it gets easier, because the emotional side of things wanes and you are able to speak without all the hurt. My DS knows that his daddy hurt his mommy and that he broke a vow to love and protect me and our family. We still talk about this now and then, but it's less often.
I say to write the Plan B letter just as if you did want to save the marriage. It matters NOT what your WH will think; it only matters what you want--since it will be you penning the letter. It's a love letter, of sorts, and a citation of your boundary and how you will enforce it (no relationship/contact with you as long as there is OW in the picture). It's harder with young children, but not impossible.
As for me, I do not TALK to PWC, I email, mostly, and only stuff about DS. Just the logistics of raising our son. Sad, really. He's missing so much, although I'm not so sure PWC thinks he's missing anything. I do not have an intermediary this time around. I am able to deal with the minute amount of contact we do have, and PWC keeps it strictly business.
Break open SAA. Write the letter, Kimberly.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
715
guests, and
53
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
