O.k. - here's a stab at a Plan B, second try after false recovery and found out H is having another affair letter:

Dear WH,

I could tell something was not right the last several months, but I could not put my finger on it. When you first came back home after being gone for so long, we had some amazing times. I was nervous and scared, but willing to take the risk of allowing you back into my heart because I still loved you very much. Reading bedtime stories together to DS again, falling asleep with you next to me, looking forward to seeing you at the end of the day and looking into your eyes and seeing the love you had for me reflected back made me know I had made the right decision.

It was nice to have you tell me how much you missed me, how lonely you were and that you loved me. What I didn't know was that there were still secrets that you were keeping. WH, it was no wonder that you had a knot in your stomach every day. Why it was hard for me and hard for you to focus on the marriage. Our attempts at recovering and rebuilding were destined to fail because you never completely cut of contact from the OW long enough to withdraw yourself from her.

It was no wonder that I couldn't get over those feelings of betrayal.

WH, I still love you. You are family. DS, you and I are family. Your adultery is hurting me incredibly. I believe that we can have a beautiful marriage, one that does stand the test of time. But I need your true commitment and honesty.

Until you can tell me that the Affair is over and you are willing to be open and honest with me, please only correspond with me if there is an emergency (such as DS is hurt or if you are unable to pick up DS at the scheduled times).


O.K?? suggestions?? I'm tired, so will take a re-look at this in the morning.

It's a lovely letter, Kimberly, but I cannot comment much right now, as I am tired, also. I will say this....


Be specific about how he can contact you. I really do like the first paragraph above. Very honest, and loving. Maybe say "until you can prove that the affair is over"--since waywards SAY all sorts of things.

Think more on it tomorrow.

Kim,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this isn't the oringinal OW is it? For some reason I thought he met someone else before he came home?

If that is the case, I think your letter needs to address the fact that he needs to decide whether he wants to be married at all.

I'm not making sense... the first affair seems to be a anomaly, nice family guy, freaks out and has affair. OK, we've all seen that that can be worked through. But when it happens again, so soon after false recovery...I don't know.

Is this the same OW or a different one??

And maybe your letter just didn't include the specifics for privacy reasons, but did you clearly outline schedule, money and responsibility issues until something legal is done?

Cover everyting so there is no need to question the rules.

I am surprised that he hasn't contacted you more. You just said leave and he did and it seemed to pick right back up from the old PlanB, for some reason that worries me.

Do you think he thinks he can just have another round of swinging single and then some back home when he talks you into it?

In my humble opinion I think your WH will look at this letter as a confirmation that you din't really "kicked him out" and that he can do whatever he wants and come back at anytime.

Just keep being strong for you and your DS.

At this point NC with your WH is the best for both of you.

Jean & Lost -- so your opinion is that I shouldn't do another Plan B? At least not in the way I wrote the letter? I know I need to work on it some before I give it to him. Jean, WH told me it was someone different than the original OW. But I have no idea if he was telling the truth!! HAHAHAHAHAH. A wayward telling the truth????

I guess the real questions is: Do I want to try once more? Am I an idiot for even thinking that?

Are you saying to me "Give it up, Kim. This is the guy's second affair. It's over. Just get a D & be on with your life."

I got another e-mail from WH today. So I really need to do something quickly.

When I kicked him out, I told him NOT to contact me.

His e-mail today asked if I could give him a check for my portion of the car payment. He also asked for another box of his checks. Then he offered me use of the car for vacation next week as I would have AC and better gas mileage.

My first thought is to not respond to the car offer. BUT, I am paying for a portion of the payment. Why, should I not get to use it? I am paying about 1/3 of the car payment. I have thought about not giving him a check. But that would make me a person who goes back on my word.

Help, help with Plan B letter.

willow said:
I screwed up on allowing him to come home without meeting my requirements. IF I let him come home again it won't be the same. So, I don't think he will see it as "I can come back home anytime I want". I also would consider a post-nuptial agreement before he comes home again.

First time in this thread, and don't really know the whole situation...but, from what I just read in your last post, it seems you want to do another plan B...but you say that you "need to do something quickly" in regards to your WH's email? If "doing something quickly" means deciding whether to reply to his email, and you are going plan B...then why even plan B? Just a question from an outsider's POV...FWIW.

Hi Introvert -

"doing something quickly" meant getting my Plan B letter to him. I am tired of him e-mailing me (twice this week) and he left a message on my phone last week. So, I'd like to get the Plan B letter to him (not respond to his e-mail).

Oh okay...sorry, just thought that's what you meant.

No problem!

thanks for reading!!

Kim, are you going to let him come back to do this all over again to you? He has no interest whatsoever in being married. This is not about an AFFAIR, but about an attitude whose foundation is a lack of committment, lack of care, lack of respect. This is a man who wants to be single. That is the problem. The affair is just a SYMPTOM of his chosen lifestyle and worldview. He is a single man whose goal in life is to have FUN.

He is committed to a SINGLE, PLAYERS lifestyle that is incompatible with marriage.

So, he can end that affair and nothing will change. He will just come back for awhile again until he gets bored and then go play some more until you throw him out again.

No, it would not. It would mean you are a person who makes NECESSARY CHANGES based on CHANGING CONDITIONS. The conditions changed and it would not be in you or your son's best interest to continue to paying for his car. If you had known he was not serious about your marriage, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER AGREED TO THIS.

Did he tell you before you agreed that he was cheating on you? Did he tell you he was not committed to the marriage and would put you in a position to have to separate from him again before you agreed to pay his car payment?

You and your son need that money much more than he does.

Kim,

I am not likely to say "give up on the marriage", hell, I am a year and a half divorced and I still hold on to something (I don't know what but I am hanging on to something).

BUT...

Like Melody said, I don't think your problem is his infidelity. If his genitals rotted off, he would still find some way to avoid home, family, responsibility. Your plan B sounds more like a parents tough love for a wild teen. That is appropriate in one vein since that is how he is acting.

BUT...

It is not appropriate for a grown man who has a wife and child. I wouldn't planB him, I would file for divorce and let him know how close you are to done. Maybe I am wrong, but I do believe that you don't have to be in a hurry to get divorced, just start playing grown-up with him.

He has no respect for your planB.

If you want to write about a path home, I would make a clear and non-negotiable list, see tst and sexymommabear(maybe wrong name) for a list of what a MAN does.

This is not a "time-out", he is not being "grounded", you are a grown woman who needs a grown man to help her lead her family.

You need to move the line in the sand, he pi$$ed all over it last time. Let him know that your BS meter has been recalibrated and you won't fall for the same song and dance.

JMO

O.k. so you really believe there is NO HOPE whatsoever.

Back to the car payment. He paid for my car completely. Even when I kicked him out the first time, he finished paying for it.

let's say I tell him that I am not giving him any money for the car. I tell him that I cannot give him any money because I feel like it is supporting his affair.

In turn, he stops giving me money. So, we are back to filing for a D to protect myself financially.

Jean - I actually hate the thought of having to spend thousands of dollars divorcing this man. The money could be well spent elsewhere. It angers me that I have to part with money this way.

I'll have to think more on what you and Mel have said.

I do want him to stop e-mailing me.

Kim,

I am not saying there is no hope. I am saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

IMO, I think you should at least talk to a lawyer, minimal if any $$, and find out what you would be likely to be awarded in a divorce. That will give you some more info.

I hate to get into the car payment thing, but, I hear you wanting to be fair. Admirable, but given the circumstances, that money might be better spent elsewhere.

I am actually cringing as I write this, I am sorry you are going through this again. I really want to hear about rainbows, WS becoming FWS and unicorns. I love that stuff.

I have wasted alot of time and effort trying to keep from ruffling my exH's feathers-trust me, it doesn't get you anywhere.

How about this:

STOP EMAILING ME!! Unless it is an emergency, I would appreciate it if you didn't email me.

KIM

That is much more appropriate than a misleading plan B letter that completely misses the point. This is much much more than an affair, Kim.

Expecting the worst.....the worst has already happened.

I'll plan to see a lawyer when I get back from vacation. That will be in 2 weeks. I'd like to just go have a good time & not have to think about any of this.

Car payment issue ..... I did have it sitting out in the garage. WH asked me to put out a box of checks. He didn't pick his stuff up - I guess b/c it was storming & he didn't want to get out of the car. Anyway, I went down & got the check off the stack of stuff for him.

I wish my story would have turned out differently too.....We all do, that's why we are here to begin with.

I'd like to add: "Why in the world do you think I should continue helping to pay for your car?"

"STOP E-MAILING ME!! Unless it is an emergency or has to do with an unexpected or unavoidable change in schedule regarding DS, I would apprecaite it if you didn't email me.

Kim"

Still thinking about the car payment.....For now I am going to hold onto the check.

I hope you do follow thru and speak to an attorney, Kimberly. At this point, it's protect the family first, and Kimberly's personal recovery (you've been bleeding out long enough). You will continue to think about the marriage, there is no stopping that. It's natural when you lose something to try and 'figure it out'. Try not to obsess. Find things to do with your downtime, fill your days up.

If you can set up an LSA, get the ball rolling on this. Secure your finances, separate your assets and settle as much custody/CS as you possibly can. If you cannot do this, consider filing for D.

If you want to write an email to express your desire to have not extraneous contact, then go right ahead. You don't have to call it a "Plan B" letter, so you don't confuse anyone around here. Call it your "Plan separation" letter, or whatever.

I did not write a letter this time round. I simply requested that there be no contact other than that regarding DS's activities/school/emergencies. I was specific about drop off/pickup (my son is old enough to walk out to the car and get in the house on his own). I recently got the house key back and have asked him to stay away completely (in accordance with our LSA). So far, it's been relatively quiet.

My first post to you on this thread 2 weeks ago. It rings more true now. Keep him out of your life.