Thanks, B. I don't always give myself enough credit. I just want things to be better for them.

I was chatting with a yoga instructor tonight about tightness I'm carrying around in my back and explained some of the things I'm carrying around. She urged me to look at what I'm gaining rather than what I'm losing.

Maybe when I can do that my shoulders and back won't be so tight.

At the moment, I'm resenting the SCQ for being so small and useless.

SD,

Hey Guy! I am with ya - - tight back & all! Mine, however, is more from mowing the grass yesterday.

Your yoda instructor is right,,,you do need to be looking for more of the UP side of things - Yet I understand how hard that can be sometimes. Try to find just one tiny thing at a time and build on that.

The 'play date' story you told is quite sweet. Stop beating yourself up and just plan to do more in the future. MY Ladybug didn't have playdates much until we moved. We were too far out in the country for it to be feasible with our work schedules. Now that we are in a real neighborhood, things have changed a lot.

I have kids running in and out of the house anytime the kids are here. It's great! It doesn't have to be a 'formal' playdate. Just open your door and let them come in! I grew up in the country, too, so that wasn't the way at my house - - my mom had to transport us back & forth. Lucky for us, she was a SAHM.

Anyway,,,,just make more of an 'open door' policy at the house and the kids will make their own way. Start by being outside yourself and just giving them the chance to interact more, the rest will take care of itself.

About the 'slip', don't beat yourself up too badly. It happens. Just be more self aware in the future.

You ARE an outstanding father!! Don't forget that!

((SD))

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”

"Go you must let."

"Downward facing must the dog be."

But thanks for the vote of confidence, Bugsy.

Tomorrow the kids and I are off to Colorado to visit my best friends from where I grew up. They have just relocated to the Boulder area, so we fully intend to hook up with Chrisner and DD20 while we're there.

I'm hearing that it's hot in Colorado. It was in the upper 70s this afternoon, which is kind of warm for me. Guess the kids and I are in for a shock to the system.

Young Padawan. OMG, this typo is one of my favorites. I can see your green instructor now, in his robes, working the cane into every move...


Oh, I'm jealous. Hope you have a blast. Laugh lots, okay. Smiling is my favorite.


Seriously, Guy? Hot? Seriously?

Well, I only said kind of warm.

My shoulders are tense. Part of it is travel anxiety (I always get a bit anxious the night before traveling), plus some triggering email exchange. Here's part of the exchange:

(June 23) SCQ: Will there be loan docs for me to sign from you refinancing the house this week? There will be paperwork associated with the loan to get the house transferred to just you.

(June 23) SDG: No, there will be no paperwork to sign this week.

(June 27) SCQ: Is there a problem with the preliminary write up for the settlement? Will you have the loan started so that there will be things for me to sign the week of 7/7?

(June 27) SDG: No problem. I don't know when there will be anything for you to sign, but I will let you know.

(June 27) SCQ: Ok. But why don't you know when? Is there a problem getting the loan?

(July 5 visit by MIL. MIL finds out that our divorce is not complete--MIL did not know this. Agrees that the SCQ is committing adultery)

(July 6) SCQ: I didn't see a response to this. Did I miss it? Have you started to refinance? I need to know that you have started this by 3pm tomorrow, Monday 7/7. Otherwise I will be contacting the lawyer to start paperwork to get a court date to have the judge decide when you get this done or maybe the judge decides to force the sale of the house. I would rather we just settle this ourselves. If I have to do this I will also be asking for all attorney fees since from my perspective you are stalling this and forcing me to have attorneys involved when really we do not need to have them involved so much.

(July 6) SDG: I'm not stalling anything. The way I think it's supposed to work is that the agreement gets finalized and then you get the money.

I started the loan refinance. Your lawyer is supposed to be drawing up the MSA.

(July 7) SCQ: Thank you. Guess it is them that is not communicating. Sorry for jumping at you about it. I'll talk to them tomorrow.

(July 7) SCQ: The way it works is sort of up to you. I'm sure someone explained the options to you. The money can come to me directly (check, direct deposit, or wire probably) or you can involve the lawyers and put it in an escrow account and then when things are done I guess then it will come to me. I don't know if lawyers charge for escrow accounts so you can decide how you want it to go. At some point in the refinance I will need to sign something to have the house transferred to you. A notery may just visit me with the paperwork to get that done.

My lawyer is writing up the MSA this week.

(July 12) SCQ: What progress was made on the refinance this week?

(July 12) SDG: The house was appraised again. Please don't pester me any more about the loan. It makes me angry.

(July 13) SCQ: I won't pester if you let me know what is going on. You could send simple updates so that I don't have to ask.

(Today) SCQ: It has been over a week since you last gave an update on the loan. I said I wouldn't ask if you would give an update. I think that a week is long enough between updates. Please send one before you leave for CO and then again before the end of the day on Fridays until this is done. Since the appraisal was redone this shouldn't take much longer.

(Today) SDG: Why are you so concerned about the loan rather than the divorce?

Here's the update: yesterday I received a loan approval/commitment letter. The status of the loan is "processing." The approval is subject to the condition of me providing evidence of the liability of "alimony and/or child support" with respect to my "payment terms, unpaid balance, and the amount of payment."

Where is your lawyer with the MSA? That's what I need as evidence of the above.

Here's the fortune I got in my Chinese last night:

Your path is arduous but will be amply rewarding.

Hi SD,

Just read the last few pages of your thread, SD. You seem to be in a lot of contact with WW, and wondered if this was so from the beginning, or since decision to go ahead with Plan D.

I recall reading the fact that you consult with Jennifer, and just wondered about what is the general plan you are now on.

Being in contact with a WS can be quite demanding...emotionally! Glad to hear you are going away for a break from it all.

Hi, Luna

My Plan B has never been textbook darkness, but it is completely Jennifer-sanctioned.

The contact has been almost exclusively email or TM and businesslike, and generally about kid logistics. Jennifer wasn't crazy about me negotiating a divorce settlement directly with the SCQ (the SCQ filed, I didn't), but when I explained that it's saving me thousands if not tens of thousands of dollars, she agreed that it was a no-brainer.

Jennifer maintains that it really doesn't matter what I do--if the SCQ comes home it won't be because of anything I do. It will be because the affair finally implodes. This really reduces it to a waiting game, and thus plan B is really trying to preserve one's willingness to reconcile. At a year and half in, I'm still willing to reconcile, so I think it has done its job. I think yours worked, too.

My divorce has inched along because no one has been pushing it. Early on, I told my lawyer don't do anything to progress it. The SCQ hasn't really pushed it, either, so it must be coming up on 20 months soon. Lately, the SCQ hasn't said anything about completing the divorce--just getting her share of the equity from the house.

My most recent Plan B goal was to make it to the divorce not having done anything to accelerate it and still be actively opposed to it. At this point, I can say with honesty "I don't want to be divorced. I think this is all a terrible mistake. However, since you insist on this, let's get it over with." I'm ready to be finished with this part of it.


Yes. . . you are absolutely right about that. It's a big part of why my shoulders keep creeping up the back of my neck. I wouldn't recommend my path to anyone; at the same time, I don't think I've done any permanent damage to myself, either.

I can identify so much with this Guy.. While I agree on not recommending this path, I can say with absolute certainty that I would have a difficult time looking myself in the mirror, or my children in the eyes any other way.

Be proud of who you are.. it's an epic struggle you've waged, but yet you carry yourself with humility and honor. Nobody can take these things away from you, and it makes you a better person every day to boot.. not to mention the hero you are to your kids.

Enjoy your vacation bro.. and tip one back with Chris for me.

I'd just like to kick the SCQ [censored]. Maybe her head will fall out.

I wouldn't engage in these type of back and forths (well...I probably WOULD but shouldn't). She is demanding information and lifting your shoulders to your neck at the same time. You don't HAVE to update her and especially not when she tells you too.

You can provide any new information that comes along as you wish, but you don't have to update her when there is nothing. Geez, this stuff takes time.

Let her get the lawyers involved to get her information. She filed, they aren't going to grant her lawyers fees.

She'd rather badger you anyway.

Tell her to call someone who cares. Then give her my number.

Fox

ETA: Say "hi" to chris and DD20. Please do not pee off any mountains - it's bad for the environment.

Oy, with that kind of email exchange, I can see why your ears are eager to meet up with your shoulders.

It's been a long time since I had that type of interaction. I suppose I should prepare myself for the inevitable emails after PWC is served. I'll just tell him to talk to my lawyer (even though i really wanna say 'talk to the hand')

couldn't you do the same? tell SCQ to talk to the lawyer?

Tell her to talk to the TV again. That seemed to work for her.

Weather should be good out here. It has cooled a little from the past couple weeks and should be in the mid-90's through your visit. Overnight lows around 62 degrees. We will probably start seeing a little more afternoon thunderstorm possibilities. It is that time of year.

Perfect drinking weather!!

Ah, well, the mid 90's IS hot. The mid 70's is NOT.

Isn't all weather good drinking weather. Oh, crap, it's raining outside--that's good sitting on the couch watching a movie glass of wine weather. OY, it's a scorcher outside--that's good floating in the pool (or dipping your toes in the blowup baby pool) sipping on a Margarita weather. Then you've got the snowy days--that's good sitting inside next to the fire, playing board games--having a hot toddy weather.

I mean, DUH!

I think he was talking about the "horrible" weather in San Diego.

So once again let's hear from Triumph

It's all about the money. Something really smells about this, especially with the delay of the MSA. Almost sounds like they are wanting BADLY for the refinance to be done BEFORE the MSA is signed.

Why are you letting her set deadlines for what YOU do? Un-uh. That ain't the way it works. She wanted out, she got what she wanted. I'd still let the house refinance move along at a snail's pace. Too bad for her.

You paying her attorney's fees? I don't think that's going to happen.

SCQ has been about this for a loooooong time. Wayzilla did the same thing. She pushed hard for the refinance prior to the actual final decree. I simply told her no.

I agree, FWIW.



Fox

Is it permissible to say "Go suck an egg" to her in regards to the refinance order? That's not out of bounds, is it?

Seriously, do you HAVE to have the refi done prior to the divorce decree?

Boy, oh Boy!

I have waited all day since reading you post with the back and forth with her because if I had posted right away, I would have been tossed off the Board for foul language!



Just WHO does she think she is??

I'd love to tell her something a bit stronger than Suck an Egg, but I need you all too much to get thrown off the Board! UGH!!

I can only say DITTO to everything you have already been told.

You do NOT have to do ANYTHING according to HER schedule. For her to immediately throw out there the THREAT to have a judge force you to do this or to do that tells me that she is VERY AFRAID of something.

She's pushing this for a reason that scares her.

SO WHAT? That's not YOUR problem.

You don't have to do anything prior to a set decree. LEAST of which is providing HER with ANY type of updates about the refi. Refer her to your attorney if necessary.

Who cares if it costs her more money to have the Attorneys involved more? SHE asked for this, not you. Drac tried layiing that whole pile of steaming craplo on me, too. Didn't work.

Quit letting her push your buttons. Delete the email before you read them or have someone screen them for you. Switch all communication about this stuff to your attorneys. It is worth every dime to avoid this kind of abuse from her.

You gotta get those shoulders down from your ears and you aren't going to be able to do that by engaging with her like this.

Please, my friend, start protecting yourself. Tell her to "**^&^*%%^&^(&^$$".

This is exactly why I asked, because what I want to say will NOT be permissible.

Guy, take a lesson from "West Side Story "

Just play it cool boy, real cool