In being all that I can be, I need to talk to his/our friends to clear the air and make things right because I do cherish those friendships but I don't know if I could hang on to them if WH and I can't turn things around. I know it will not go over well with WH that I talked to these people but they are my friends too!

I emailed WH's friend's girlfriend to tell her what was going on because I didn't want her to be in an awkward place since we've been trying to set up a girl's night out...wanted to leave her the decision to continue speaking to me or not. The last thing I want to do is to make her uncomfortable because she's such a nice woman.

I text messaged another friend of ours because I was hurt that he met OW in early June and didn't tell me! WH put him in the middle of something he didn't want to be a part of and I expressed my hurt over that to our friend. He is quite angry with WH. I told him what's done is done and I'm not mad just hurt and that no matter what, WH is his buddy.

See, WH thinks by talking to friends that I'm trying to spin stories and get them in my corner. I'm not - that's not even like me to do that. Oh well...I better hang on cause this is going to be a bumpy ride!!

Thanks cat.

Well, now isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? I'm proud of you Spins!

TBP, the weekend before my niece and nephew picked out a necklace for me while they were down the shore...it was the celtic symbol for strength. I found more strength in driving all that way than I have in my entire 30 years of life! I always knew I was strong but was never tested like this.

OW's H seemed to be an ally...but I'm not so sure...maybe it's because of WH's gaslighting...he is making me so I don't know who to trust...ya know? OW's H said he was going to expose to his in-laws because he has a great relationship with them, but as of last night, he didn't say he had told them.

OW's H is feeling hopeless even though I told him about the MB principles and that it can be stopped. So, we'll see...

I have read some of Pep's carrot/stick thread...I have to re-read, study, commit to memory, and execute! Thank you all.

Seriously...he is allowed to move on with his life without me, but if I wanted to do the same I can't?! I'd say he's being a cake eater but he is not really getting anything from me.

Thanks fiori...couldn't have found that strength and courage without the help of you and the other people here

I only wish that I offered you strength and the outcome would have been different. Keep the faith and stay strong. You should be proud of how well you handles this and with such grace! We NJ'ers need to keep up our strength. North or South?

I'm in North NJ. How about you?

Sadly, I'm in PA now and my three boys refuse to leave! But, I grew up in Hamilton...more like central. But, NJ runs through my veins and no matter how long I've been here it's still not home. My kids get annoyed when people ask where I'm from and I still say NJ. They get a little insulted, as PA is their only home.

lol, that's funny. For work, I am in contact with a woman that was formerly from NJ but now lives in FL. She and I always tease that you can take the girl out of Jersey but you can never take Jersey out of the girl!!

Well, I'm glad to see there are things in your life you are still able to laugh about.

By the way...what's your plan now? What happens tonight? Do you have a friend who can be with you? Are you ok?

Laughter truly is the best medicine and I love to laugh and smile so it helps me through a lot of difficulty

WH is coming to the house to gather more things after work. I have no one to stay with me, but I am ok. Maybe I will suggest that my sister bring the kids up Friday night and we can have a movie night/sleep over! Otherwise, it does get lonely...

My plan: I am going to continue to read up and engrain Plan A into my noggin The fog is soooo frustrating! But I will do my best to take these lemons and make lemonade. Thank you for your concern.

So, the girlfriend of one of WH's atv racing buddies contacted me about going to another racers b-day party tonight. She didn't know that anything was wrong with me and WH's marriage but I didn't know she didn't know. I said something to her about it and she was floored! SO, I inadvertantly exposed to her (lol).

Anyway, we had a nice conversation where she assured me that she was my friend and there for me if I needed anything. She also invited me to the race on Sunday to keep her company and hang out while the race was going on. I'm pretty sure WH will be at the race and possibly be there with OW (since she races too). I do not want to toss aside MY friendships because WH chose to have an A! At the same time, I do not want to start a problem in front of our friends (although I'm sure I'd be the bigger person and walk away from any confrontation).

Any advice and/or opinions on whether or not I should go? Thanks!

Go, and continue to have a life.

Agreed with Cat. He wouldn't stay home because he thought you should be there. His loss...go and try to have fun.

Thanks for the assurance that I should go. Turns out I couldnt because it was too long of a day for my dogs to be left alone and my dad couldn't take care of them. Bummer. I emailed WH last night to see how the race was. I'm posting his response for some help on how I should respond to him...I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing and since we have practically no contact right now I want every exchange to be positive! Here's his e-mail (edited a bit to take out identifiying stuff):

"Didnt go to the race. Spent the weekend cleaning, running to the dump for recyclables, and cleaning the yard. Dryer is going, stove is going, fridge is going, but I got a new washing machine in on thursday night. Fridge pisses me off cause its relatively new, but the dryer and stove I can understand.

I'll be [at the house] tonight to grab stuff, probably get there about 6ish.. We can chat a bit, but I definately got some more crap to finish (toilet needs to be fixed and cable will hopefully be turned on).. Oh well, more for me to finish I guess, and I gotta research containers tonight so I can get a dumpster there. NEED to get rid of a TON of garbage..

Thanks for askin bout the race though, but as I said, I didnt make it, I gotta make the house live-able and that means skipping some races for sure :("

My first reaction is to respond and say that you have a live-able house with me and you could come home! And we can fix up his dad's vacant house together. I don't want to say things to sound too needy though...any suggestions?

UPDATE: I decided to just not respond to the email since I wasn't sure what I should say and because WH has a habit of taking things I say in emails the wrong way.

WH came to the house tonight to pick up a few more of his belongings. He tried to get me to argue. First it was a discussion about the relationship which I told him I didn't want to talk about right now. He pushed, so I indulged a little bit. Then he got angry and started to push buttons to get me angry - I refused which angered him more. I walked away, situation diffused... We played with the dogs a little and then he was on his way. I was going to give him a hug goodbye but wasn't sure how he would take it...well, before I could move to him, he held out his arms to welcome a hug. We held each other for a few minutes and he expressed as much remorse as a wayward can (I'm not doing this to hurt you. This is hard on me too. I don't want this either. etc.)...then he left. Tomorrow, he is coming back...I will suggest we grab a quick bite to eat since I want to make the most of what little time together we have.

Today, in the mail, I received a Separation and Property Settlement Agreement and in a few weeks I will be served with a complaint for divorce. I knew that these things were coming down the pike, but it still threw me for a loop.

WH has almost completely moved out of the house. Whenever we speak/e-mail he tries to argue and I shut him down - I refuse to engage him in arguments. I keep all conversations light and even joke around - I've even got him to smile and laugh! Tuesday he came by and we had pizza together. Each time he leaves the house after picking up more of his things, he hugs me goodbye. I try to do as good of a plan A as I can with the limited contact. Unfortunately, WH refuses no contact with OW so it doesn't matter how well I do plan A!

i think I'm nearing the end of my rope...I don't even know anymore. I want to make this marriage work but am getting no help from him (i.e., NC with OW!!). I don't want to cheat myself out of moving on with my life because I will regret it. There are a few men that are interested in me but it feels weird to move on when I am plan A'ing. How can I move on yet still want to recover my marriage? It's a total conflict! I do believe that my marriage ended when WH chose to cheat, so why should I feel guilty about moving on with my life? WH doesn't!

Spins....
I ache for you. But, other than what you are doing, it appears to be out of your hands. Keep being sweet, keep shutting down his attempts to argue. Be a bigger man, so to speak. Show him that you KNOW your worth is far greater than he's giving you credit for. Now it's time to take care of you. I wish I could smack him for you. So, if that helps, I'm mentally beating him up!!!

I agree, take care of yourself. The happier you are with yourself, the more likely he is to smack himself on the forehead eventually.

fwiw, IMO, his continually trying to argue with you means he is desperate to have you accept that he's not a bad guy. To prove he's not so wrong, kwim? Sounds like he's still in there.

Even if you separate - heck, even if you divorce - you may always get back together down the road.

(((Spins))) Sorry to hear this.

It sounds like you did the very best Plan A you could have under the circumstances...have you read that Plan A only works a small percentage of the time? Have you started to prepare yourself for Plan B? Why not let OW try to meet all of your WH's ENs...

It does help, fiori - thank you! I am being the bigger person and will continue to be sweet and "tame the wild beast" when he tries to argue. It comes naturally to me because I enjoy doing for others and am generally non-confrontational anyway. I walk around with such a confidence when he is at the house gathering his things - he has to be picking up on it!

lol, I wish I could smack him - like in Moonstruck - "Snap out of it!"

I agree with you on the arguing. He is trying to justify his actions - he's not a bad guy...he doesn't want to have to do this...he's not trying to hurt me...it's hard for him too - these are all things he's said to me in the past few weeks as he's been moving his stuff out.

The fact that each time before he leaves he reaches out to me to hug me makes me feel like he's still in there. He is too proud of a man to admit a mistake and ask for forgiveness - so his pride may cause him to move forward even if his heart aches to do so. Of course there is also the "grass is greener" mentality since everything is new and in the infatuation stage with OW.