SD,

Sorry to say, but I don't think I like the SCQ much at all....

No argument, CL. The SCQ is a very bad person.

So, just to follow up, SB, I think your analysis is pretty accurate. I don't think Jennifer would be very proud of me--the MB part of it is really half-hearted, and it lets lots of anger and DJ come through. I knew this as I constructed it. I think it included as much of a Plan FU as I was going to allow myself.

And I just don't care what she thinks anymore.

So that's my one quibble with your analysis. I don't see myself as chasing her approval anymore. I'm tired of wondering what kind of crap is going to be waiting for me in my email in-box. The line about parental decisions was fair warning to her that if she annoys me that way again I'm going to unload on her, or revoke her email priveledges, or re-insert an intermediary, or do something else that she won't like.

When I went out to the street to receive the kids, my friend's wife was there waiting for him, and I started chatting with her as the SCQ drove up. The SCQ has never liked this woman, but the kids do. I greeted the kids warmly, and they transitioned from talking to me to talking to my friend's wife easily. The SCQ handed over the kids' things and drove away without a word. If she told them goodbye, I didn't hear it.

Yeah, I guess I'm still a bit angry.

Wow.. I think we've hit a nerve..

I dunno SD.. she seems to be going out of her way here to be nasty to you.

My gut check reaction is that none of this exchange is in any way benefiting the children.. and that's really all you have in common with this woman anymore.

I agree with the others, that if you even want to hang on to the 'open to reconcilliation' bit of this.. which I've come to believe is basically a tenuous grasp until the D is over.. so that I can have the comfort of looking myself in the mirror or my children in the eye and saying 'I did all I could, and kept the door open until the very end..'

Darkness is the answer.. pitch black

It's for your sanity too bro.. I think if you give yourself some distance from this, you'll look back and see that it was only temporary relief.. from the time you sent it until the time she gave her response.. she's ALWAYS going to want to get the last word and the best dig in.. her resorting to threats against your time with the children show her desperation and scream in big bold letters to me: STOP IT... and I don't think it's entirely about POSOM.. I think she wants desperately for you to stop being the better person here and is throwing out this kind of language to bait you..

Either way.. she wins this round as you either cut off communication at this point (the best response), or you engage her in what GreyCloud refers to as my snake feeding sessions... either way, you lose... how much you lose depends on you, and I think you're headed in the right direction.

It's a $hit deal from beginning to end.. and I wouldn't expect her to help matters any until POSOM is ultimately out of the picture.. we believe it will happen eventually.. but I think the ones here that are closest to you.. particularly Chrisner can see pretty clearly that by then, you'll have moved on and up.

It's not a totally unseaworthy boat to be in, and in kind of a sad way, I'm glad to have some company on this ship.

Wow, Schoolbus.

Guy Smiley, not much to add. The others have covered it.

It is interesting to ready SB's analysis and literally see our conflicting emotions that change from moment to moment, sentence to sentence.

It's the head and heart getting in sync. Sometimes, like a clock, we get bumped and our pendulum is knocked out of rhythm.

Fox

Good post James. You really nailed it here. She does seem to be going out of her way to be nasty and also to get the last word and 1-up him. I think it's the sign of a person who knows that they have made a huge mistake and will go to any length to try and defend/justify it. I see the Karma bus coming, and is it ever a big one. This one is really a tractor trailer.

SD, I agree - pitch black. I can see that this has just about drained you totally to the point where you are going to become forever bitter if you don't remove yourself from this vile game of hers. You ARE the better person here, and she will see it at some point.

(((SD))))

The key word here is "Agreement" as in Marital Separation "Agreement" and the mediation document (which was derived by "agreement" between the parties.) She's blowing smoke. The only way she could "enforce" anything is if she went all out and filed a motion with the Court to enforce your alleged breech of the "agreement(s)" in place. That cost $$ and I don't think she's willing to take it that far.

I agree with everyone else. Ignore her smoke and go dark. No response will probably be more effective than trying to talk "REASON" to the "UNREASONABLE".

SD,

I think it is interesting that you chose the specific word "quibble" when you wanted to disagree about chasing your WW's approval. That means you agree somewhat......hmmmm....I kind of see that as something you should probably look closer at within yourself.

And then your post regarding how your WW watched you talking with the other lady, how your WW disapproves of the other lady...think about it.

I'm just saying.


I agree that your wife is not going to change her mind. Her emails show that her mind is made up. I don't see a movement away from her current position, which is that she is in this for herself (I want to be happy, I have MY life, I have my activities, nobody has a right to know), in it for the money (when are you getting the loan, is the money coming directly to ME, is it going to escrow first, how long is this going to take), and desperately defending the poor choice (which she certainly KNOWS is a poor choice, because she is trying to hide something that has recently occurred with OM's W).

So, what's your next move? That seems to be the question of the day.

I see that so far, you have not used a true Plan B.

And "it's not working for you".

I wouldn't have called your email a Plan FU. Too cushy.

SB

All day I kept thinking that I would post after the kids went to bed. Now the kids are asleep, and it was all I could do not to fall asleep with them. I'm too tired to write a good post acknowledging everyone's advice.

James had an excellent post. It was very well stated and spot-on. SB with more good stuff to think about (SB, BrambleRose called you brilliant in a side email to me)--once again I feel priviledged to have you posting to me. CL and Fox and Chrisner telling me to go dark, which I'm going to do. And PM with solid advice about the SCQ's empty threats.

I agree that her threats are empty, which made it that much easier to dismiss her response. I let her have the last word and ignored it (this time), and went on to have a pretty good day. Work was productive and busy.

More thoughts tomorrow, I think. Must sleep now.

SD,

Hope you had some good rest last night. Interactions with SCQ like this are very draining and it's not suprising if it takes a toll on you for a few days.

Take some extra care of yourself the next few days.

{{{SD}}}

What up, sdguy?


Fox (can you tell I have teenagers?)

I'm good, Fox. Thanks for asking.

Tired again today, and yes, Bugs, these things are draining, but I still feel very good.

Yesterday the kids asked me to take them to the swimming lesson, so I did. As we were on the way home, whom should we pull up next to but the SCQ (mercifully, she was alone in the car). The kids saw her and waved, the kids got excited about seeing her, and then were excited when she was following us, and wanted to give her a hug if she followed us all the way, which of course she didn't. DD5 started to cry as she put it all together (again)--that the SCQ doesn't want to live with us and that things are not the way she wants them. Sigh.


Yeah. Some introspection there. I still want to be a family; I want to be in love with my kids' mother, and I want their mother to be in love with me. This is still what I want. I don't know how to not want this or that I would change it if I could. Thus, there are still things that I want from the SCQ regardless of me knowing it's not going to happen.

On a deep level, I would desperately love for her to apologize. I want her to admit that I am right. I don't push these things or expect them or agonize over them, but I can admit that, on some level, I want them. Given our fifteen years together and the magnitude of the hurt she has caused, this is to be expected, I think.

I understand that she is an alien, however, and that there's no point in trying to get her approval, hence my taking exception to the chasing comment. I know that nothing I do will penetrate her reality until the affair has ended. I don't think I am doing this anymore.


It may not have been as black as night, but it was Jennifer-guided and approved, and it served its purpose. After 19 (count 'em) 19 months, I'm still open to reconciliation. I think it's safe to say that no one, but no one, wants to see me keep going with this.

Within a month, I should be divorced. At that point, I am going to look around and see what else is out there. If that results in me not being available if and when the SCQ pulls her head out of her [censored], so be it. I can live with that.

I don't think I said anything in The Email that precludes her returning--anything I might want to unsay someday, and too much of what was in it needed to be said. There is no one else to say it to her. I know it's not the MB way.

Anyway. Tonight my neighbor is having her 40th birthday party at the Del Mar race track, which should be great. Lots of people, and I'm sure most of the women will be betting based on what color scheme the horse/jockey is wearing. How lame. Everyone knows it's the name of the horse that makes all the difference. After the day's races, there's a band playing, so I'm looking forward to that.

It's the SCQ's long weekend, and I have nothing planned but rest and relaxation.

Wishing everyone (SB, SL, Fox, Bugsy, Chrisner, BC, LG, PM, James, Queenie, CL, lurking BR) a great weekend!

I totally agree on the horse's name. I bet on Risen Star in the Preakness Stakes when I was, oooooh, 14. I WON, or rather, Risen Star won ($11.43). BUUUUUUT, I have to say the Jockey's colors were pretty kewl.


I have nothing planned but lotsa work

Thanks SD, you have a wonderful weekend too. After 19 months of pure manure, you certainly deserve it. Take care of you.

Hopefully, you mean a SHOWER, by "you certainly deserve it". That's a lot of manure. WHEWEEEEEE!!! (waving hand about in large sweeping motions)

Well, I actually meant that he deserved a nice weekend, but a shower probably would be nice too. Heck, if I were where he is, I would skinny dip in the ocean. I live near a yucky river, so none of that here.....

Hey guy,

I've been busy the last few days, just wanted to stop in an let you know I'm keepin up, just not posting much.

The end is near, hang in there, you're doing really well despite the SCQ's best efforts.

You're gonna be alright amigo.

Have a good weekend

Thanks, BC. Update:

I had a pretty good weekend. All the time to myself, and I was never bored, but I didn't exactly do much. And I felt a bit off all weekend. Like I was recovering. I couldn't quite bring myself to read the boards.

Friday night at the races was fun. I finished up $3.10 and had fun with the betting, so that was good. The music didn't really do anything for me, but it was fun watching people. I didn't stay out late, leaving with some of the other non-wild parents.

Saturday I saw the Dark Knight. Most excellent.

Sunday I went to the beach in the afternoon. The water is warm enough to get in without a wetsuit, so I played in the surf for a while. Watched people, too.

Tonight my parents get here for an extended visit, which should be good. Kids come back on Wednesday.

Yoga in a few. I need something, but I'm not sure what it is.

SD,


Not at all surprising. I think it was exactly as you said,,,recovering. So often I do not realize the impact the emotional turmoil has on every part of me. In fact, my mom was just pointing it out to me this morning (apparently she & my sister's discussed this about me last week).

I'm glad your parents are coming in. You will enjoy the time, and perhaps have a bit of a break of being 24/7 full time dad when the kiddos are around. Not that you can't do it very well, but I think it's good to have times with the kiddos around AND that you get to relax a bit at the same time. KWIM?

I love that you do yoga! I'm thinking of taking some sort of exercise class this fall when Ladybug does her dance class,,,,perhpas there will be a yoga class available?!

Take care of you!

I really enjoy the yoga. It has made me much more aware of my body (and how much I abuse it by carrying around all this stress) and provides a nice mental break. A spot where everything else is left behind (except, perhaps, the cute girl stretching on the other side of the glass). I always feel better afterward.

Regarding abuse, every now and then health club brings in someone to do chair massage, so I signed up the other day. She had her hands on me for ten or fifteen seconds before saying "You're wearing your shoulders as earrings." I laughed. Her specialty is deep tissue work, so she proceeded to work over my shoulders (like, with her elbows) trying to loosen up the "boulders." I think if she had had access to a jackhammer, she would have used it on me.

Anyway. It's been a blissful period of no communication with the SCQ, but it's coming to an end. I signed all the papers for the loan yesterday, which wasn't especially triggering.

More relevant is that the kids are starting school. There is a school open house on the Friday before school starts. The SCQ has always gone to this, but it falls on my day with the kids this year. The first day of school falls on her day. DD5 starts kindergarden. This is a big deal for me--one of those things I don't want to miss.

The school called yesterday about the registration papers for DD5. The SCQ had the papers but needed info from me to be able to turn them in, so my mom did some intermediary discussion, which led to this email exchange:

SCQ: Your mother has the registration papers for DD5. You need to bring her birth certificate and proof of residence with you.

Your mom mentioned stuff about milk/lunch payment. That can probably be taken care of when the Friday before school stuff happens (and yes I will be going). DS8 doesn't need milk this year he should have enough to carry over. Lunch I don't have his carry over number unless they sent it to you. They will have it on the Friday to decide if he needs more or not. DD5 will need milk card half year at most and some lunch, half year or less.

SDG: If you want to take the kids to the open house on the 22nd, you can so long as you let me have them Sunday the 24th. I'm not going to miss both the open house and DD5's first day of kindergarden.


SCQ: I'll let you know. Who said you had to miss anything. You may choose to miss it but you don't have to.

And she's right. I'm the one choosing not to be around her. It once again makes me question whether it's worth it anymore putting effort into NOT being around her. Maybe I should just go to the friendly co-parent thing.

Or I could respond "Oh, so I can be at your apartment when she wakes up? To get her breakfast and help her with her backpack and calm her nerves as she's getting ready?"

DD5 has been talking about it more lately. Two nights ago, as we were going to sleep, she told me the next time I drop them off at the SCQ's I should ask her to come back home. I told her that I have and that the SCQ doesn't want to come home. The SCQ has apparently been telling her that the two of us "can't get along" and that she doesn't live at home because she is no longer my wife. I make these wooden puzzles, and I've been working on one for us (as opposed to giving it away), and DD5 says "You should make another one of these to give to Mommy."

Last night she told me that one of POSOM's daughters got a time-out for sticking her tongue out at the SCQ. Things must be going great.

I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. Which is not to say that I don't feel pretty good. I do feel pretty good.

I guess I'll just keep trying to do whatever the next right thing is.

I would go. You won't need to interact with SCQ. Bring a good camera. I took a picture of DD standing in the front yard on her first day of school and recreated the pic on her last day of high school.

You don't want to miss this.


The kid is a good judge of character. Give her another year or so and she will probably be flippin SCQ the bird. Then they will put her on double secret probation!