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aeri, you can help your H become LESS DEFENSIVE about your complaints if you train him to believe that complaints will actually HELP your marriage. I told my H that I WELCOMED his complaints because that way it gave me an opportunity to stop doing something that makes him unhappy. That makes him much less defensive about recieving complaints since he knows the point is to protect love. I taught him that UNSPOKEN complaints are a big threat to marriage, because they have the potential of eroding love when the spouse does not have a chance to correct it.

In the past, I've asked my H to be radically honest about me as a Wife. I believe that he should tell me what's bothering him so I can change any annoying habits. Well, he says that he doesn't have any complaints, but he's very good about telling me what he dislikes as he goes along. For instance--he wants the bed made before he comes upstairs in the morning so that he can get dressed...fine--the bed is always made. I have taken a page from his rulebook and just casually mentioned that dissing my Mom wasn't cool....but, to no avail...it's like he didn't hear it.



Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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You know what, I wonder if there are not more serious problems here if she has told him several times to stop and he won't stop? That reaches a level of very purposeful DISRESPECT that needs to be addressed in a more serious manner, IMO. If he is that disrespectful about THIS, he surely is about other things. That is the kind of behavior that quickly erodes love.

aeri, he is normally disrespectful to you?

MelodyLane--thanks for your help....

Normally disrespectful? No...normally, he treats me very well. He's a good Husband...

I told him to stop this behaviour at Christmas, but it only got worse....

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He is Scandanavian...I think. She can correct me if I am wrong.)

I realize that bad manners shouldn't have cultural borders, but I cannot help but wonder if it could.

edit: He is what my family would call "petted". When he was young, he almost lost his life (not sure of the particulars) and his family doted on him during that time..and continued to do so after he survived. When he subjects her to the silent treatment, I see a child holding his breath til he turns blue, because someone hasn't been "nice to him". I think he has carried on this type of 'spoiled rotten' to his marriage.

Aeri..hope you don't mind that I added some info from previous posts. If it's inaccurate...let me know.


Hi again, Committed...I don't mind you adding some facts...all are correct except he's not Scandanavian--he's Dutch.

Hey JosieJones--I remember you when you were weaver!

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Aeri, do you think your husband might have a little abusive streak?

Why are you trying to figure out ways to make you husband feel love for you again. All you tried to do was tell him that it hurts you and your family the way he treats your mom, and even then you worried about how to say, even beginning with "I love you" so he wouldn't get angry.

Do you think he could possibly losing respect for you, not love.

It is pretty mean to tell someone they have no friends. I think that is a very hurtful thing to say to your wife.

I think regaining his respect by not putting up with his immature meaness, and sulleness may go along way.

If my husband treated my mother that way, well it would only have happened once. Me, I gotta big mouth, so I probably would have said "don't you ever badmouth my mother or treat her poorly again" end of story. Nothing to discuss. Your family is way kinder than mine to come to you and ask you to speak to him. My siblings would have stopped him immediately. Mel, (who is more diplomatic than me) appreciated her husband telling her nicely, yours didn't. Big difference.

How he handles other peoples reactions to his very poor and hurtful behavior is his problem. That's part of growing up.

edited to add: a tad bit abusive is probably not the right word. maybe immature is a better word.

I don't know if it's abusiveness or immaturity. Others have suggested that he's controlling. Sometimes I question why he can be so cold to me...for instance--he promised that I could have a cat when we moved into our house. I waited 2 years and when we finally bought the house, he flat out refused to allow a cat into the house....no reason except that he doesn't want a cat. I've negotiated every way I know how (even suggested one of those ultra-ugly hairless cats) to no avail.

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don't think you should get in the habit of allowing him to stonewall you either. Stonewalling is very cruel (refusing to speak to you, withholding affection, etc).

I get in fights with my husband, and I won't let him stonewall me. That hurts me more than anything.

Me, I'd be right there in his face until he talked to me about it.

How do I stop him from stonewalling me? I've tried pursuing it, not allowing him to walk away and it doesn't work. If I stand in front of him, he'll move me. If I keep talking he'll watch TV and completely tune me out...AND, the longer I keep it up, the longer he'll stonewall me in the end. It's a never-ending circle....




Last edited by *^aeri^*; 07/31/08 02:54 PM.

Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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Hi again, Committed...I don't mind you adding some facts...all are correct except he's not Scandanavian--he's Dutch.

Oops..my bad. I kept seeing the upper left part of Europe when picturing him.

committed

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I am serious about not powerstruggling the disrespectful behavior with him about your mother...

you can't change him...

so don't try...

instead change yourself...

tell him once and for all..

I understand that you may entertain thoughts about my mom but I do not want to hear them ever at all...

period...

tell your family members that you expect them to speak up and say that they do not want to hear anything negative about their mother (in law)/in law to be....and they have free reign to say what they will...tell them though if THEY choose not to say anything to him...do NOT come to you with it....

DO NOT invite or take your husband to your mothers EVER again
period....

go alone over and over and over again...
and be done with discussing this behavior ever again...

NEXT about the cave thing...

meet him in YOUR cave...

don't follow him around when he is ignoring
don't invite him in to doing/planning things but make sure you inform him.....
I am going to the book store
want to come
he will ignore..
say no

but you go alone...


don't bring him food ,drinks..but say I made blah blah it's in the kitchen....
help yourself if you like....


ignore him right back
AND
make a life without him...

the first times you do this...
mark my words carefully he will push you and escalate this...
he will try to hold out but don't YOU give in...

do not engage, talk, approach...on any type of intimate level..but

do not ignore...
make sure you say goodmorning
hello
goodnight
be bright
kind
but not in his face...and act like you don't care what or where he is or is doing...
etc...
do not expect answers to
hello
goodmorning
goodnight
etc

expect the first time you do this he will turn it on you..
he will accuse you of ingnoring him
deny and say...
no I'm not..
I talk to you
I cook for you
I invite you places
I haven't done anything to you....
except give you what you want....

and then walk away...

the first times plan for this to be a long long time...

but do not give in

I have experienced this in relationships...

it made me nuts
it made me escalate
it made me irrational

then I got it...

and I quit engaging him at all when in the cave..
and went on my merry way...

and guess what eventually he realize that his cave is a pretty damn lonely place....

and life is going on all around....

this is conflict avoidance at its best
this is passive aggressive...turn all issues back on to you..
play the poor innocent one who only wants peace...
play the poor hard bread winner who has to go out and face the world and then be bombarded with an emotional wife...who went give him peace...

give him exactly what he thinks he want...

cavedom or bust...
and let him bust first...

it's hard...
lots of tongue biting...lots of good workouts in the gym
lots of screaming if you get a minute alone..
but don't you break first....

this is not game playing...
this is taking yourself out of the comfortable role that YOU usually engage in when he does this...
he clams up...
and you escalate...even to the point the negative attention is better than none....

and when he comes to you you tell him that you are growing very weary of living with someone who can ignore your very existance...and tell him that each time he retreats this way it slowly convinces you that he doesn't want to be with you in good times and bad......and that you are giving that some serious thought these days when he does it...

ARK

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"he wants the bed made before he comes upstairs in the morning so that he can get dressed"

Let him make his own bed. What are you, his personal slave???

Last edited by Stellakat; 07/31/08 04:47 PM.
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That's very good advice Ark has given. I hope you do this Aeri, I know for me, I am going to try like the devil. I know I handle things in the worst possible way because I will engage in a fight before I am ignored, but that is all wrong.


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Thanks for all the advice...

I didn't abandon the thread, I just didn't get time to come online during the weekend.

As it turns out, I did make some changes during the weekend and I also spend lots of time with my family and this morning, my H was back to his normal self...no more silent treatment.....

I have to learn how to deal and I'm getting there, one step at a time...wish me luck!


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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